This situation is far from new to me.
People love to think they're special, that they have something particular to offer. Some people are addicted to feeling valued. In some cases their self-worth is fully contingent on it.
Often, I find people wanting to mean something particular to me. I find people trying to almost own some place in my mind or heart. It feels at times I have been seen for what I'm not, and it was out of admiration that they acted in such ways. Regardless, even with the best intentions, anyone who tries to help me in ways I don't ask will hurt. Period. It's not that complicated. If I need help, I need to be the one to get it, I don't need to be coddled at this point in my life. I need to learn to stand on my own. If someone were to offer support, rather than to 'help' or 'fix' me, it'd be different. Support doesn't come with the anticipation of the person in question being used like some object for my own sense of fulfillment, and if a person cannot accept that about me, then they simply will never find a place they belong in my life, because there isn't one. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, so it is said. I'm sick of being secondary to the assumed merit of good intentions. Thinking about him, it's like he thinks he's so far above me, that he is there out of pity, but denies it, because it wouldn't be 'helping'. But I never needed his help, I hadn't wanted his help, I didn't intend for him to be a part of my life, I didn't expect him to care. No, I didn't approach him because I wanted to engage in more than superficial conversation regarding topics of interest rather than of his personhood. I wanted answers for my own sake, plain and simple. He happened to reveal his vulnerabilities during the conversation as often happens, and I felt obligated to reciprocate. While I admit I found his thinking creative, I never cared beyond learning the reason for why it was that way. I didn't intend for him to be in my life for a prolonged duration at all. There is literally nothing I would have seen of benefit from that. What would he say if he knew that? How would he react to knowing he meant so little to me, when so quickly he attributed value to me simply because of how we patronized? Social niceties have a toll, and evidently a tax. Do I want him in my life, being totally honest with myself, for all that has happened? Probably. But not for any logical reasons. When people experience the same thing over and over, it's usually for a reason, yet so many deny the common factor... themself.
Though of course to them, it's always my fault. And after me, it will be the next person's fault. Just like it was mine. And those who came before me.
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