d soul can win.

~~~~
this was an old text on mah phone o.o kbai

unresolved conflicts I'd cast into boundless wind, as the world subsequently inhereted my heavy burdens. The race to escape the inevitable that no triale

wly consuming the vitality with a wall of stone. Nothing enters or escapes. If I were to pray, what could I say? Please help me get past this day, and gu

urn to in my time of grievance, so in the light of my darkness, I wish to repent.. For all my sins, those subtle lies I've kept buried within, and those

ide me, as not to be lead astray? Give my life direction.. Point me in the right way so I can try throw down the best effort I may? I know not where to t

finetly remains the same. People ignore it like I wish I could when I recall my own reflection. The burning gaze is etched into my soul;an infection, slo

n. Vein, that I wish I had the will to drain. My appearance has changed, and in some ways I have, too. But the look in my eyes that I cannot hide most de

slip over the edge forever... I wish I could caln down but there's such a profound restlessness bustling in the air that I know it's not but a cry in vai

sane yet. If you could see me, you would just know. No need for am exchange of words....
Decisions... Too many.. I need to get my footing back before I

e a long night. Why must I go through such a rigorous hell? My own mind is relentless. Was it because of my anti-depressant..? Well, I'm not really quite

~~~~~~~~
I'm doing so badly right now. I don't know how much blood I lost.. But it was enough to make me sick and feel like crap. It's going to b

e meet again
at the circles end~

ation.

I'm merging into night..
Sleep brings peace.
No pressure of thought among stars.
Only observations.
I'll be watching.
Until the beginning
when w

arko is the best movie ever. Just throwing it out there. There's so much raw truth to it. Everyone should see. The underlying theme becomes my new realiz

t to hurt you......
My baby..................
Huh? Tears? ..why?

oh god....too many reasons...

"Anna Begins"- Counting Crows

...

wow......

Donnie D

ct him like.. I wish someone would have protected me. He's sheltered from that. Oh, my little one. I'm glad you're happy.. It makes me happy. I don't wan

s me when he had trusted no one before. He'd been hurt alot, like me. Now my love is all he'll need. I've never given him reason to not trust me. I prote

ove equally, if not more. To him, I'm his mom. And he IS my baby. Cats are simple. They live for pleasure of touch and food. Of simply living. Paws trust

ying next to me purring. I love him.. He never leaves and never hurts me.. Ever. He only loves, and cries, and I comfort him and reassure him that he's l

. What the difference is between who I am, and who I wish to become. Ew.. Regurgitated enchiladas ~"~;... Bleh. Vomit. Aww..
my little baby kitty is la

endency to cause pain, and it comes to my awareness eventually. It leaves me in a confused aura of mind boggling paradox contemplating what is "my truth"

allows me to recall too much of the past and who I used to be begins to surface enough for me to notice, not to mention be concerned. I still have the t

matter, so yeah. Guilty secret: I type to that account sometimes. I say all the thing I wish I could tell him, but know are better left unsaid. Cause he

l......
there's so much left unsaid.
Would anybody miss me? If I died soon.. I think I wouldn't mind if people saw my entries on here. It wouldn't really

I'm slightly worried that I could die. Just a little. Took way too much aspirin....
Okay, I'm more concerned than I let on.
I said my good-byes, yet stil

Wow, this sucks.

I'm really depressed and would just LOVE to bleed to death right now. Seriously. I think I will.

"The mirror is shattes", I wrote in a period of incoherency. Most of the memories of yesterday are gone, and for whatever I can recollect, I'm not sure if they're real or not. Put together all the things I wrote, and I wonder if my intention had been to write some abstract poetry oo; I completely disassociated from myself. Luckily I'm not an idiot, even when I'm not at home inside my head. It's still a little strange to hear myself talk.. But what in the world was I thinking?
I don't want to take a risk like that ever again... Or maybe I do.. But the result was more than what I had expected. I should tell my parents I had 5 dollars left. That way I can have fun again....... But it's best of I have a trip sitter next time x3 Coulda been waaay dangerous. My stomach is kinda bleeeeh. But after 80mg of addy, and the other stuff..yeah, it should. Welp, I got my trip and I'm happy. For science~!

Someone said the only way they could scratch their head was by reaching they're arm around and over. Wanted to bring chris a souvenir for his birthday.phone started vibrating for no reason. Stared blankly into space and did not want dinner. Thought i saw peopl when i didn't. Kept glancing around, in and out of conciousness. Here random static and high pitched buzzing. Heard low pitched the first day. Into the sunset. Jimmy *bam* scoffing. Digga digga dut, dut digga digga. Half the trees aren't real. Reflection is mirror of the soul. Window=eyes. Come on... Let's go to the indy car drive ride guys. How could we not use ! Broccoli pave the road.. Veins are snakes. There's too many giggles over here. Shillings, she's not listening, tch. *tut* voices cryyyyy... Tell me, tell me the truth about my youth.. Weave in out in out... Plastic bad rustles "madonna". Ringing = echolocation of treasure ches. Space travel. For pizza, TAKE A BATH. Cemetary. Real log homes.. Logic? Insect repellants, tree split down the center. Shampoo is our talentshow. Giant toothpicks snapped broken pencils. World is collapsing. Genesis. Concave explosions. Threatening menaces, entities, those trees.... All of them are tilted torwards me. Crowded race track. So if you buy two vegetable credits osh potch.

It feels weird, cause I'm disconnected, and we see a dead guy lying on the front~~
of me. I'll make a souvenirs

I've been losing my rationality and logic

It'sgetting harder to be in control now. Slower, like before

Mingusunderdog@gmail.com

Wow.. i'm really up in the middle of nowhere... Nobody has noticed much, except for maybe my roomate. I took about 12 motion sickness pills. And like Around 14 pills of dmx. It is cool

The gateway to the soul..

Eyes; They say you can tell many things about a person just by looking at them. It's true. Microexpressions, and things like that, but in my case my eyes sold me out today. I was in the middle of writing a poem as my friend sat next to me, and though I was almost fully absorbed in writing it, I couldn't help but notice the way she was watching my facial expression. I paused for a second, and asked "What does my facial expression look like right now?" ..I knew how I felt, but what did she see?
"You look empty.."
"Like I have a hole?"
"Kinda, but it's a sad type of empty, like the look on your face was blank but you were deeply hurt.."

I was pretty surprised my eyes could say so much. It's true, I felt empty. The equivalent to the loss of a loved one. And here is how the poem read:

Sound is shifting all around me

so many thoughts shape my surroundings

and my soul passes the edge of change

as intentions and feelings rearrange

I watch you study the look on my face

but the sight of this sent my mind into space

because my artistic depiction of who you were

has left this world as an unsettling blur

your eyes decieve your sly innocence;

to you, my ambiguities less than makes sense

from me, a mix of expression pours out

still, their true stems I fearfully doubt

Those following monthes my fears were depleted

and my old insecurities were torn to pieces

the way you lead me across stark nightmares..

new peace caught my heart; unaware,shocked,unprepared.

Slowly, we eased out of their expectations

and carved our hand-made portrait

with tools of love, and passion made to last

eager dreams singing how these days would never pass

Again now I'm sitting, just alone with memories

A hidden admirer, found way too forgiving

after those words caused the clock to start ticking;

each stolen glance settled on what the future was bringing

New uneasyness distorted our perception of fate

seperating our bond, once built through mere faith

we played the cards we were given

but only ended up as their victim

Now, though I wish I could reclaim the day,

we're too well aware that things can't be the same

I study your eyes, which you don't see

You're lost to me here, but we'll meet again in dreams.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

My status on 4/1 and 4/2..

Well, I'll write this entry I found in my journal, logged on the first. It caught my attention, and I think it's interesting:
4/1

My speech was odd, though I dismissed.
Dismally, I don't need this.
So why? Why now; why today?
Why must I reside in this state?
There's so much to gain, with more to lose.
I have some forks, my path I must choose.
A tuning fork with two prongs,
success or much less.
Regardless I can make one sound,
then lost faith must be found.
Security in each mordern day obscurity;
I guess that's the style in which I walk,
and the strength I lack in the way I talk.
Not quite a shock.
I'll reach in my mind and remove it's block.
It's hindering me now;
I need to know how to escape this place,
emitting and aura of grace before it's too late
and I ran the race, and lost in my own due pace.
~~~~~

It wasn't my intention to write a poem. It just kinda came out that way.
4/2:

"I can't stop thinking about it. Those times; my dream. Him. I'm so hurt. So sad inside.. There's an unresolved conflict that has settled in my chest. Nobody knows or suspects a thing. But I'm falling. Again! With no one on my side except my heart's lost desires."

Today is a day for standardized testing. I finished mine what seems like forever ago. So yeah, I'm blogging in school. It saves paper, and presently there's nothing better to do. Maybe I'll have to reorganize the entries later, but w/e. I'm pleasantly surprised that I'm not having any ptsd type symptoms.. Oh HELLZ YEAH! Time to play speed~

Thinking about this last summer and the beginning of the year. It all seems like it was so recent, yet distant.. As if those times were followed by a gap in the space-time continuum. I can barely remember *him* being a part of my life at all then, though it's a perculiar feeling because I know he truly had been. And at the time it was still a major part, at that. I was pretty much a different person, but the change came somewhere between then and now; that part I can't distinctly recall. And I know that it's probably something best left in my buried memories. Surely they are laced in pain, as the stitches would unravel by the mere recollection. Now that he's out of my life, I have been much more successful in my many endeavors.. He had just been a hindering force, and a poison to my mind. Isn't this type of drama what we were cautioned of through t.v.? Where have we gone wrong, repeat past mistakes for the sole purpose of allowing them to be viewed with our own eyes as misfortunes unfold..

Silently, I've been shaken. Loudly, I've been disturbed..

God... I can't stop. Matters are stretching past my arms reach as all my faith in myself now lays in tatters. I'm a disappointment even to myself as my life ebbs and flows out of a new wound. I guess there is never an end to my pain, and I don't want to stop... I can't. Nothing was learned, and all this was a waste. This was my solemn lost lesson.

~~~~~~~~
I'm doing so badly right now. I don't know how much blood I lost..

But it was enough to make me sick and feel like crap. It's going to be a long night. Why must I go through such a rigorous hell? My own mind is relentless. Was it because of my anti-depressant..?

Well, I'm not really quite sane yet. If you could see me, you would just know. No need for an exchange of words....

Decisions... Too many.. I need to get my footing back before I slip over the edge forever...

I wish I could calm down, but there's such a profound restlessness bustling in the air that I know it's not but a cry in vain. Vein, that I wish I had the will to drain. My appearance has changed, and in some ways I have, too. But the look in my eyes that I cannot hide most definetly remains the same. People ignore it, like I wish I could when I recall my own reflection. The burning gaze is etched into my soul; an infection, slowly consuming the vitality with a wall of stone. Nothing enters or escapes. If I were to pray, what could I say? Please help me get past this day, and guide me, as not to be lead astray? Give my life direction.. Point me in the right way so I can try throw down the best effort I may? I know not where to turn to in my time of grievance, so in the light of my darkness, I wish to repent.. For all my sins, those subtle lies I've kept buried within, and those unresolved conflicts I'd cast into boundless wind, as the world subsequently inhereted my heavy burdens. The race to escape the inevitable that no trialed soul can win.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think I maybe.. should start praying. Or put my faith in a greater force. I try to handle too much on my own.. When things occur for reasons outside my understanding. If I recognize something that is above me, such as god, then I am acknowledging the existence of the unknown. That makes me less ignorant, and makes it so I can't blame myself for every little thing that goes wrong in my life. And it gives me an answer to those things I couldn't possibly explain. There.. just are some things that are above myself. And things happen because everything in the world occured percisely as it did to make it. The workings of the world that is out of the reach of my influence still can effect my life. And I take whatever situation that is given to me, and I respond in whatever way I choose. Life is not good or bad, or fair, but it's what I decide to define any of those things. And whatever I choose to make it, I can try to keep it that way or change the situations around me into how I would like them to be. The latter and the former both give me purpose in my life, but each path will bring unique benefits and consequences. I can't remain static, because my surroundings evolve around me constantly. So I need to choose my path, and feel no remorse.

I understand now..

I have been conflicted over the contradicting aspects of my personality, but the choice is mine. I need to choose now what part will control and shape who I am, and who I will become. And whichever way I choose, I need to accept the positive parts, as well as shortcomings. Maybe this is why the question,"Who are you?", struck such a chord. I can be more than one thing, and I CAN continue to be this way, but it will only bring me unhappiness in the future. I need to prioritize. Deja vu.. I think this was a part of my dream:

I was in a war zone in medieval times, where there were giants, bugs that we smaller than giants, then humans. It was like a hierachy.. Me and the others were scurrying away like the ants that were chasing us. Then it switches to the fox and the hound... I was the fox, trying to find shelter in the winter. There was a porcupine and a hedgehog, and the porcupine shared the tree hole. For some reason there were soda cans in the hole, as well. Then it shifts to a jungle. Me and a group of people are lost. Somehow I am the tour guide, but am also being lead on a tour. Kinda like how the subconcious works, methinks. Anyways, then I pull out my cellphone and try to use a gps. Then it turned into a computer and me and another were using the internet to learn about the plants. Then we all started eating random plants. We eventually pass a bunch of vines and see a shining light which signified a doorway. We pass through the doorway and I am 5, and my grandmother is standing next to me. We are in a field of flowers, including many dandelions (in the seed pod form). The rest of the tour people are leaving, and for some reason it seems like I am on a school field trip. My grandmother urges me to come along, but I run over to look at a specific flower. It lies on a ledge, but I get distracted by a brook. The brook has very clear water and I look up and see a waterfall pouring into it. I quickly dip into the water after seeing my reflection, then hurry along to catch up to my grandmother. We exit through another doorway into a mixture of a train station and boating dock. My grandma has to board the ferry/frieght train, and I start crying because I'm not going with her. I'm supposed to exit out the door on my left, on my own. But my grandma would be leaving forever, and I knew this. In real life, she was died when I was 5. It was a sad dream.. We said our goodbyes, and I woke up with a distinct sense of melancholy... It is said that dreams are deeply rooted in our subconcious thoughts and desires.. As I looked up the symbolism on www.dreammoods.com, I found the symbolism was remarkably similar to my previous writings, yesterday and today, regarding mental unrest; specifally the reasoning and logic behind it.

Anyways, I'm done for the night. I hurt myself, and need to heal.

Please, excuse me as I take the time to contradict myself...

Motivational push? Ah ha ha.. ha. That lasted like a day. Guess what? I'm already hurtin' again. Not that it matters to anyone or the world but I just want to SCREAM my thoughts onto this page. I've been down and again, with breakdown-
a pause, and another breakdown.
I've spent the time trying to forget certain parts of my past but they won't leave me. I keep deluding myself, thinking I'm okay when my hearts knows the only thing that's going on is the suppression of my emotions. The numbing of my soul. I can't take this feeling much longer. I know I'll change. But I know I'll change again after that. I know it's a cycle; a circle. Just like everything else. I just want that cycle to stop? Is that too much to ask..? 'Cause if it is, I can always make it happen myself. The good is barely worth the wait. And that thought, it's all I have right now. The wait, and the struggle. Should I keep on now, for the possibility of tomorrow? So I laugh through words. Doesn't seem like they could know the difference between my petty sarcasm muffled through raw emotion and a simple light-hearted chuckle. They know not what I have, and all it is that I lack. Though through this print I don't care to filter. Emotion drips from my fingertips, in a way I hope won't short-circuit my means of communication;the only ounce of honesty I have left with myself. And I don't care.. I don't...
What consequence any of my actions I take now might have.. I don't care.
I can't care, because I can't see. Can't see anything past this day.
And I want to fly, and soar past this pain.
But I know the future lies so far away...
I don't want to believe this is my fate,
nor do I want to succumb to hate
that I tend to feel towards myself
that can only deplete what's left of my health
Please, somebody grab my hand
and save me from this place.
I'm drowning, leaking tears of scattered grace.
This feeling.. what can I do to prove
it's all for the better with so much to lose.
As I'm left with no one to share
all these burdens I ineffectively bear.
So I don't know where to turn
to explain how no lesson has truly been learned
~~~~~~~~

People change quickly, along with their surroundings. I am living evidence of this fact. Here I am, a little over an hour later, with a new mentality that was brought with a wave of relief. The tension within me, in part, had been released. And it was certainly something I did need.
I've been withholding truth from myself for too long, and so the expected occured. Yes, it was expected, though not necessarily by myself in that time frame. So yes, I am back. Established, and redundant; it is so. And when I say those words I may mean something other than the obvious, because I really believe you can return mentally, emotionally, and physically, at different times altogether. And emotionally I may have previously been lead astray.
My abstract perception of my reality makes for a crude fuel of alienation. The portal to solitary confinement. But who, at those times, are the distorted entities?\/\/\/\/
~~~~~~
What's happening to me..? Another instance of my chemical sanity diffusing before my eyes? This can't be me. I'm losing myself too frequently now.. And maybe it's all me, but... I'm so confused in the ways that I change so drastically. I remain even a mystery to myself. Vision keeps shifting in and out.. what is this all about? Well, I know. Reopened wounds show no mercy; Granted leeway to move torwards the closest absolute. To all else, these thoughts may be rendered incoherent, and the effort to escape the pattern is to much.~~~~
I can't let people see me being so pessimistic, with such a lack of control. Just when I thought everything was beginning to thread together, it all starts to spin apart.. Or it probably already was, I just couldn't take the time to notice, but it's something I've feared. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to scream for help, and the other part laughs, with the remark "Who?"..
I'm not sure if I'm losing time, or if time just lost me. Or even if the tracks are in the process of derailing, ironically, with that thought being the most sensible. Maybe it'll just stop. Part of me has to complicate things for the pleasure of a challenge, and the other part screams in frustration because it just gave it's all to clean up the last mess that was made. I don't want to level out, and I don't want to be inclined in one way. I don't want anything at all. But even that's wanting something. And I don't want something, and I'm so frustrated with life. With myself! Why can't I just be happy with what I have, and calm down instead of being pressed over the edge with such force. I just want to fall over. Fall over, or for it to stop. Not in between, goddd... It's the worst thing anyone could imagine. Torture! I'm being tortured! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh.............
I want to just break my head open or something at times like this where.. Pain can only help.

Whoa, Damn.

That was quite scary yesterday. Obviously I'm alive.. but... or am I? Lol, anyways. That was pretty much.. hell all over again. Eh, I don't even want to talk about it. Er, type about it. Ah, but you know those near death experiences. They always end up giving you a motivational push.

Oh God..

I think.. I could die. From a liver failure.. I took way too much hydrocodone-5mg ones. Like 7 or something. I didn't realize how little it would take to cause a liver failure.. Fuck. I think I could die. I really could. Well.. I guess I'm just going to do the same thing I've always done at times like these. Sit it out and pray. I'm stupid. Really, a fucking dumb ass. Ignorance. It very well may be the death of me. Also stubbornness.. unwillingness to ask for the help I need for the sake of pride. Forgive me everyone.. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do this.... There's so much I need to do. I'm afraid to sleep.. With the fear of never again waking up. My god, I'm so sorry. I wish I could tell them how sorry I am. Everybody.. All the people I've hurt in the past. J.R., my family, my friends. Everyone. Everyone I could hurt through my death. I don't want to die.. Oh.. The way I've been thinking about it.. I should have taken it more seriously. I should have known it was more than mere thoughts.. They were.. preceding something. Like they always had. Will this all have been for nothing? Please.. don't let it be. I've been so blind. Just in case.. the combination for lock of the suitcase is 38-14-0. Just in case. Even if it means nothing to anyone.. it's there.



It.. can't end. I.. really have too much to live for. So much I could do. So much to say..... Oh........

What can I do?

Take my adhd medication and stay awake as long as possible.

I think that's what I'll do. Now I have a reason to fear sleep.

I don't know if it will effect me worse.

I remember being in this place mentally.. not fun.

Thinking I'm going to die.. reliving all those mistakes you wish you could take back, but know you can't.

It's an awful place to be.

Trapped in suspended space.



But I feel fine right now. I feel no fear. I don't think I will die. It can't be so. And even if it was, I can never know what effect it may have on those around me. It could be something really astounding; the way everyone realizes how short life is and how we should appreciate those moments of bliss. Seize everymoment and learn to live because every moment of fleeting conciousness is a gift.

No- I will be okay. I can feel it in my bones, and the very essence of my soul. I will return~!