I'm sorry I had forgotten to tell my friends how much I love them all and appreciate them having come into my life :/ I have had this feeling of impending doom for unknown reasons.. Perhaps one contributing factor,however,was my health being very... Unreliable,to understate the degree of it. Despite the sadness of it, I will know that in my past actions, I brought whatever occurs next upon myself. I made the same mistakes too many times,and didn't learn because I rushed forward seizing any thing I could see as "the obvious answer". I tried to disregard anything outside of my inner world of what I think is logical,and dismiss my own feelings with the justification that "I shouldn't feel this way. It is wrong and unexceptable." ..now I know it was cheap denail. It was pointless.. Pushing things under only let them resurface in time as something much worse. It's too bad.. So many things in this life do accumulate and manifest,it's remarkable. I wonder if all these patterns could be combined into one thing..

Isn't the introduction to anything really the climax? I guess that's why they say it's the beginning of the end..

I'm thinking so much right now about this period of time that's quickly approaching. Senior year, how graduation is practically a mass death in the sense that I will most likely never see the majority of the people I've come to know again,afterwards. And also how this is my last opportunity to make some sort of impact/influence whatever course their lives may take. I have so much I would like to say to so many people. Like how Lilly was feeling a bit lost to herself; how I used to feel that way as well, but the key to knowing yourself is to focus on those actions you have taken,and if you disapprove,taking charge of your future actions and using that to determine the truth of yourself.. Actions and intentions considered,and equally weighted. Hmm.. I should do more,and work to say what I think properly :/

I know the only way to help them is to first find a way to connect, build trust,establish that way in we all openly acknowledge we relate. I will save them! I know I can do it,and I know this is my purpose;this is my fate. As for myself.. Again, I'll sweep it under the carpet so long as I can afford to,so to speak.. As I have. Unfortunately, I am at risk.. And to a higher extent than anybody here could guess because I choose to not let them see me so vulnerable, if I can avoid it. So maybe nobody can see anything other than the one that is.. Shallow as well. They don't realize that there is something other than the obvious beyond my eyes.

le who redicule others for being true... I feel so bad. I feel like it's my purpose to help them understand the ways they affect others..

ic... I try to let people accept me,or not, and people may or may not like it,but I am the way I am. I'm consistant in my inconsistancies. But those peop

just not who I truly am. Everybody here wears this sort of facade..and it is almost disgusting. The one thing I can say about myself is that I'm authent

fect me in a way that's rather undesirable :( In a way it triggers this kind of apathy to the many different kinds of drama occuring around me,and that's

the meantime, I guess I can only wait to see what happens next.
Anything could happen,really......

8-8
People at this camp are really starting to ef

too serious.. Hell,maybe I am. But I hopefully will have been the wiser person in the end to avoid this apocalyptic mess(at least it seems that way). In

y cause more trouble and drama >_<; I just want to go back home a bit.. I mean at least then I wouldn't have to worry about this crap. They may think I'm

h more cruel than you would assume.. Sociopathic,even. Scary world... Scary world :/
I don't want to tell anyone I like him,either.. Because it would onl

' true colors... I try to remain a passive spectator.. Though it is extremely difficult not to become involved,even indirectly. Some,I've learned,are muc

I can feel that;and in this camp surrounded by people my own age, I feel as if I'm dematuring... The gossip circulates,and I gain insight to my "friend"s

doubt he likes me. He at one point liked Lilly,and Lilly liked him,and this girl named Emily likes him..and she... She's somebody sinister. If anything

admit to myself, because..
..well,there are so many types of drama revolving around him,and that is a dangerous place to choose to tread water.. Plus, I

son I was able to get over *him* was because of Aaron. I was never with him,but I did secretly learn to like him,and this is something I'm scared to even

friends both here and "there",and my concern about those things yet to unfold. Even about my own true feelings..
Last year, I remember that the only rea

8-3(?)

So I'm at camp, and I have no paper; yet my mind is strewn with thoughts regarding so many things..

Thoughts about last year, thoughts about my

I think.. Well,no, I must be getting worse again.I stopped meditating and tried to kill myself after a period of time. I need to stay on top of this.. I need to stay consistent in my habit,and make sure I stay balanced out. There's a number of reasons I'm less stable these days;primarily involving the old source of my past instability... A.k.a. him. But still, I've gotten much better. And still, I have the power to prevent myself from going overboard. This time I have the knowledge of the past as a tool to help me avoid making those same mistakes. Let's see how things play out now that a little older and,hopefully,wiser.

Tomorrow I leave for camp. Last year this break from him is the only thing that helped me truly become more independent. It was hell for that reason,but a necessary hell. I hope that this year,that isolation can again aide my maturing process. I need all the insight from above I can get.. I'll make a habit of hiking to the waterfall in the morning alone, on a daily basis, to meditate. Maybe then I will find some answers,and if nothing else,become more fit.
Now,however,I must sleep. A long day is ahead of me tomorrow.