We almost had another housefire,guys.. Well,we did. But luckily we caught the perpatrator. A couple dry potatoes and a microwave set for 20 minutes. Lmao

Some people are so concerned with doing what's best for their own needs,others for what would make people like or resect them to be secure within themselves,and others for the sake of self-righteousness. In the end,they're all selfish,but the later is best at bullshitting the reasons for their doing things and trying to make it appear it is for "the greater good";whatever the hell that is. I'm in the last classification. Like when my friends hassle each other to conform and ask for me to join in the peer pressure band wagon,I refuse because I don't like pressuring people into doing things that contradict their beliefs,even if they're "wrong". There's something to be learned from everybody,there.. Still,I think it's best I mask my emotions for the sake of not biasing others unduly. I step in only when there is a problem.. Sometimes this has its pitfalls,though.. For example,when I feel a certain way about something or someone,but I can't admit why because otherwise... It would bias somebody's decision making process because of their tendency to prevent another's anguish. I end up getting hurt for not saying anything,and miss out on opportunities,but oh well. That's the sacrifice I signed for. Maybe one day they'll understand. Maybe not. Either way,there's satisfaction within my own heart that this pain is with purpose. I am a slowly dying martyr,only for the sake of promoting love and understanding while subduing hatred. I'm willing to suffer for that for a lifetime,easily.

Wow,I have *got* to try to stay more positive. If I let things get to me so easily,there is no way I'm going to survive this world..
...I haven't even gotten to the difficult part yet. Heaven forbid.....

Sometimes I wish people could truly understand what it's like to feel the things I do,but then I know that in order to do that,they would have to actually have to feel it themselves,and I really wouldn't wish that on anyone. Some people have trouble believing that I honestly have a neuro-chemical imbalance that could affect me to this extent,but to those people: if you don't believe this is something beyond a human's control,and you doubt chemicals can manipulate your mood and the way you think,or even that anti-depressants are for people who complain to much.. Go take a bunch of Ecstasy or Amphetamines,then tell me mood is something you control through pure willpower. Better yet,talk to me on the comedown. I'm sure that then we may be able to see things a little more eye-to-eye.

hell am I still alive,and why am I not doing something about it now?

pain,and the visions of abandonment." my thoughts... A small amount. Enough for any given second of seclusion :( I've almost died soo many times. Why the

eless to everyone,and if everybody isn't disgusted with you like you are,they will be,and leave. Then,when you die,all you will have are the memories of

when really,that answer is just what you needed..? You know what you need is something you will never truly get,life won't treat you any fairer,you're us

Why live in a world where when people ask 'How are you?',they hear what they want to,or don't know how to respond to the truth they never wanted to hear,

ld you bother to live when this suffering never really was just your problem,and you can't even look people in the eye anymore when you say you're okay?

y. Why would you live when you're only bound to let them down because they can't pick you back up off the ground as they believe friends should? Why shou

uccessfully,then leaves you in omnipresent despair. "Why should you bother living,"you wonder,"when by doing so,you cause people inconvience everpresentl

and the only reasonable thing to do is die. All the while you live,your mind argues with every semi-hoperidden thought that is brave enough to be heard,s

e;your perception constantly shifts with such frequency that everything becomes obscure and abstract. During depression,optimism is a farfetched concept,

guarantee with each high is that you will fall lower and harder than you ever had before... Life is an illusion in the sense that it never stays concret

"You say these things,they go away;but they never do."

Very few people can truly understand the complexity of something like bipolar disorder.. The only

that in the end,it will all be worth it. As of yet, I still have faith~

f you're not the one to go back on your word,and I accept this now with that fact in mind. There are risks,but this is a necessary sacrifice.. Let's pray

rung of social ladder.. One I know better than to trigger. Now that I have been validated, I can't back out. Commitments are harder,and may bring pain i

have I saved,and how many would fall into shambles if I submitted to the allure of hypocrisy? It's a very unfortunate chain of events to remove only one

,I know I have responsibilities and a commitment to the people in this world whose lives would have long ago collapsed without my support. How many lives

se to everybody if I was no longer there?
..It's actually not that hard to understand,taking into consideration what facts I chose to ignore. Now,though

series of events,I made it. Anybody who knows in full what things I had been through would understand just how lucky I am to be alive. I was selfish,in

retrospect,but selfless in not so obvious ways that were very apparent at the time,yet..How could I have thought that ultimately,I would have been more u

all through. Life is like that;I suppose I need to just roll with the punches again :/
Two years ago I was certain I would be dead today, and by a lucky

do without them? T.T Doesn't make sense to realise now that I've become so stable,the carpet will soon be pulled from under my feet and the floor will f

h,and how my past had been. I really,truly,love these people <3 I'm so grateful they're in my lives.. No clue what I'd do without them. Ow. What *will* I

t.. Like the people I surround myself with now,who except me as is :)
I have friends who enable me to laugh and feel so normally despite what I go throug

o do,but still..

It may be because of the workout I get through band,and additional serotonin being released as a result,but I think it's more than tha

It's kind of strange how I've been so happy lately.. Odd.. Usually I'm all over the place;or maybe I'm just forgetting the periods of sadness as I tend t

things that is a bit funny to me is how these thoughts constantly circle and swirl throughout my head, and in this strangely posed answer,there was neve

spent our energy on different phases,though perhaps at different times,places,and paces..
Isn't that strange?
I,too,am strange.. And aren't we all?

The

lose to death. I have dabbled my toes into murky waters,and to many this would remain unknown,and thus,something I may need to show them...Because for so

ce;that word would go hand-in-hand with ignorance,as in being one,you may very well be the other,because we are all uninformed one in the same as we have

that I am merely a fool in a foolish world. There is no lesson to be learned,and ultimately my endeavours will be fruitless.. Yet,before I have come so c

me,the lessons stretch beyond you and I,and I can't hope to change that as we will find significance in what we do.

Intelligence,intelligence,intelligen

arner.. All the while I bother to learn to give it up.. The greatest argument to philosophy:"Don't we all give it up?"

There is this persistent feeling

t of humanities debt,so I wonder why I try besides to lessen that burden..

And still,I sit here alone,ponder what worth my achievements would merrit. Wo

ost,the lesson learned for that sole cost would carry beyond the value of words. I'm so eager to throw my life away to be the lesson as opposed to the le

uld the results bring about a source of merriment? When the picture is finally painted,will I see beauty in my creation,or will it inevitably be a souce

of disgust;the very root of my own mistrust.

Still the love within me is like that of the martyr,the albatross,and while a solitary life may have been l

s I have been blessed with, that others had died to enable me to partake in. The sacrafices I have made.. I can't expect them to counterbalance the weigh

ells,but it is wasted on have-nots and faults the void would whisper. What about the things I have...?

..like my amazing friends.. Like the opportunitie

Sometimes I sit here alone at night when I'm not quite ready to sleep,and the silence becomes my apparent companion. Inside my heart,this wave of love sw

r a question,but a purely conditional assumption. This is the flaw of our limited perception.

..the words you can only watch me speak;falling deaf ears

things that is a bit funny to me is how these thoughts constantly circle and swirl throughout my head, and in this strangely posed answer,there was neve

spent our energy on different phases,though perhaps at different times,places,and paces..
Isn't that strange?
I,too,am strange.. And aren't we all?

The

ce;that word would go hand-in-hand with ignorance,as in being one,you may very well be the other,because we are all uninformed one in the same as we have

me,the lessons stretch beyond you and I,and I can't hope to change that as we will find significance in what we do.

Intelligence,intelligence,intelligen

lose to death. I have dabbled my toes into murky waters,and to many this would remain unknown,and thus,something I may need to show them...Because for so

that I am merely a fool in a foolish world. There is no lesson to be learned,and ultimately my endeavours will be fruitless.. Yet,before I have come so c

arner.. All the while I bother to learn to give it up.. The greatest argument to philosophy:"Don't we all give it up?"

There is this persistent feeling

ost,the lesson learned for that sole cost would carry beyond the value of words. I'm so eager to throw my life away to be the lesson as opposed to the le

of disgust;the very root of my own mistrust.

Still the love within me is like that of the martyr,the albatross,and while a solitary life may have been l

uld the results bring about a source of merriment? When the picture is finally painted,will I see beauty in my creation,or will it inevitably be a souce

t of humanities debt,so I wonder why I try besides to lessen that burden..

And still,I sit here alone,ponder what worth my achievements would merrit. Wo

s I have been blessed with, that others had died to enable me to partake in. The sacrafices I have made.. I can't expect them to counterbalance the weigh

ells,but it is wasted on have-nots and faults the void would whisper. What about the things I have...?

..like my amazing friends.. Like the opportunitie

Sometimes I sit here alone at night when I'm not quite ready to sleep,and the silence becomes my apparent companion. Inside my heart,this wave of love sw

Second...we lost...by one-half of a point......! Grr.

I went to therapy for the first time in my life today. It was quite interesting,actually..

My therapist and I were discussing various things,but what I really hadn't anticipated was being hit by such a wall of emotions at this early of a point. In that room, I felt as if everything I had been holding in was on the verge of spillin out anyway,despite the effort I had made to maintain my composure,but what we hit a particular topic..... Him.....

I should've know at that point it would be over,and whatever impression I had tried to give of being a strongminded individual would disappate with my pride. I cried tonight,more than I had cried in a long time,and there will be no hiding, from this point out, the way my emotions toward that situation still do have their hold on me. But we agreed to figure out a way to work through those painful things,and for once,I believe that perhaps the outlook will not be so bleak.

I.. For once am at a loss for words... I'm.. So mixed up inside. My friends need me more than ever,and everybody is depending on me,too,yet.. Nobody could know the type of things I'm dealing with in my mind and heart every night;every single moment when I am left alone,I feel my spirit breaking all over again.. But I can't utter one single word for these empty feelings. I have not the strength to validate -no,reinforce what is true. I look at my friend so sad,and I try to help her,but what can I do when I cannot look her in the eyes when I say everything is going to be okay? What can I do to help her when I am never sure what I can do to help myself..? I'm a bloody hypocritic,damned either way. I don't even know if I'm going to be okay this time,either.. By a stroke of luck I've managed somehow,thusfar.. And every second those same old thoughts persist in gaining some hold of me,so it's a constant war. My war in solitary confinement. I'm screaming out silently with the wish someone could hear my thoughts.. But no one ever will. Can you imagine the frustration? The frustration with not only the situation,but especially with myself.. Who would guess? Even if they could,who would care? Who could really afford to?

I wonder if it's because my dopamine levels are down because of yesterday,but I do feel particularly suicidal today >_>... Dunno why,barely care more than wanting this feeling to stop. At other times like these, I have taken action,and who knows what will happen today.

God, I won't venture to say you've forsaken me,but it hurts so bad... To live. My head hurts because of my thoughts,and I feel so lonely and lost..... Please let my suffering be worth it. That's all I ask. I'll take it upon myself as long as need be,but please somehow continue to guide me along so I can know I have a purpose.... Please let me hear the thoughts by which I am being swayed..
Amen.

You never know when your life is going to end,or when your heart may simply stop.. I have to do the things I would if I knew I were going to die soon. For all I know,we all have the same terminal illness
-it's called "humanity".

Where's my head?
Not to make it so that everything I say is pessimistic,but lately I feel more and more like I'm directly in the line of losing it completely. Before I was fine,but I have no idea what to think now. Everything around me is changing at such a rate, I must have been a fool to hope to remain the same. How in the world am I going to survive without my friends??
.;':..(.*~__~)