Here we go again...

It seems like the only reason I write or blog lately is to vent negativity... Well, whatever. I do what I have to, I guess....

I hate this feeling. I care a lot about people, but I'm just an extra... I pour my heart into being there for them, and they tell me that they care, but then when other people talk to them, maybe more interesting people, when they don't need me, they forget about me completely.

why
why do I smile
when I feel like dying?
that song by Keane captured the question so perfectly
I don't understand... I still don't
why I could be thinking about suicide, then smile and laugh, and even convince myself for a little while that I'm happy
but then when I'm alone
there's no distraction
there's no means of denying it
there's just me and the truth

I doubt anything anyone could say could make me feel less lonely

High-risk

I'm going to be undergoing a project that may be high-risk... I got involved with my new boyfriend without really knowing him that well, but with the intention of wanting to get to know him better, and I'm starting to realize that may have been a stupid move. As he communicates me, I can sense a dangerous energy, and anger churning beneath the surface, and it seems on the edge of being unleashed... He is angry when I don't talk to him all through the night after I tell him I'm sick, and I'm tired. He claims to care about me more than he does himself, but he contradicts himself:
12:46amI trust you not to do anything too reckless

12:46amwhat do you mean too reckless?

12:46ambecause
I know you care about me, and you wouldn't want to hurt me,
and if you did something to seriously hurt yourself, you
know you would hurt me
like something that would really, relaly hurt you
*really

12:47ambut "I" dont matter to me. You Matter to

me12:47amdoes what matters to me matter to you?

12:50amrepeat
that....through text though. im about to sign off and play
cod...... DONT TAKE ANY COUGH MEDICINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
did you get that?12:50amyes12:51amok i had to sign out then
sign back on
you matter more to me than i matter to me... does that make
sense?

12:51ambut
if what matters to me matters to you, and you matter to me,
you should matter to you
I am kind of out of it, admittedly. I couldn't sleep last
night...

12:53amgrrrr.... just text me then.....
~~~
I text him, "I was just thinking.. Your anger seems to be causing a lot of your troubles.. Would you like to learn to control it better?"

He says, "Look, I was just kidding about the grr thing."

I say, "I don't mean about that.. I mean about why you're going to court..."

"You sound like my therapist."

"... Do you think your anger is even really an issue?"

"Stop."

"Sorry :( i didn't mean to hurt you"

"You didnt. Just chill out. You're getting too personal. I just smoked a bowl and discussing all that would definitely kill it."

Maybe a sane person would get out now.
~~~
...
I also know he has a tendency to lie. He was dishonest to me about the fact he was going to court, he was dishonest to me about why he was sick(later telling me the truth, prolly for me to put more trust in him), and there are probably a lot more things he is dishonest with me about. He is very controlling, and he is scared that I may leave him, and that is what I fear may be the greatest risk. He may eventually resort to whatever means he can manage to posess me. He tells me what he thinks I want to hear, revealing some personal truths along the way, growing more attached to me with every truth he divulges, and subsequently feeling a greater need to control me to make sure I, his source of comfort, do not leave him. He is afraid if I know how he really is, I won't want to be involved with him... Somehow I need to communicate to him that it isn't true, but that he needs to respect my boundaries. This will be a challenge and instigate a necessary personal growth in myself that I've been needing for awhile... to become more assertive. If I don't start to stand up for myself, things will end badly and I know it. Luckily I am at least aided with my wit an intuition... and I do believe I can heal him, but I can definitely feel how great of a challenge this will be...

First thing's first, I need to discover if he actually has the desire to change. His anger was what got him into trouble, and if he feels remorse about it, he should want to change. If he feels no remorse, he will say he is content with how he is and that it isn't an issue, and if that is the case, I need to tread even more carefully, because there is a distinct possibility he has a personality disorder. If not borderline, anti-social. If he realizes how much I actually know, that may also cause him to feel a greater need to control me to regain the upperhand, so I have to play dumb to a certain extent to throw off his suspicions and anxieties... But because I care about him, I will take a risk and try to put an end to his self-defeating behaviors through helping him understand what his behavior implies. I know he's smarter than he seems. I know he realizes I'm smart. I know he doesn't realize how smart I am. I'm not so sure myself how smart he is, but I am very wary now.

As for me, is this compulsion to help people because I'm codependent and I have a need to be needed? Not exactly. I am not selfless. I also help people to distract myself from my own pain that I have limited control over, and even because it makes me happy to see others happy because I empathize with them. I'm not a saint, I'm not a hero, I'm nothing close. I'm a regular humanbeing just the same as any of you out there, but I realize the ways I have a power to make a difference, I know the ways I can do it, and I know which difference would best benefit the other based upon their preferences, and therefore maximize my own benefit, because rarely do I feel my own happiness when I'm in the middle of depression. I have to take an alternative approach if I want to be proactive. I'm also trying different things to directly address my problem, but until I find a permanent fix, I'll work with the resources I have to make my life a little more bearable.


I've heard love is accepting a person as they are without feeling compelled to change them, so maybe what I feel for him isn't love. How could I love somebody who claims to care about me, but whose actions reflect solely with their own self-interest? I need to figure out whether he is being deliberately deceptive, or if he truly doesn't realize what it means to care about somebody...

http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-a-sociopath.htm

............ This may be a problem.


............................................................................

http://www.suite101.com/content/warning-signs-of-a-sociopath-a204533


****

I'm trying my hardest.. maybe that won't be enough again, but I pray it will be for once. Even though every time in the past it wasn't, I'm still foolish enough to think things could turn out differently... to have hope. I don't want to let her down :(

To be honest...

The fact that my conceptual understanding is usually alligned with truth scares the HELL out of me. Because I have this awareness that nothing remains... so I fear growing attached... be it to people, to ideas, to this state of consciosness, to the moment.. though the moment is probably the closest we could come to a constant... the never ending, always changing moment... I dunno. It makes me feel so alone sometimes.. so alone. But we're truly, in essence, all the same.. I can't let myself forget that. When consciousness fades, we will once again become one.. only to reawaken to our collective ignorance that we may neither will, nor observe.... The truth doesn't necessary have reason.. and some things we can't understand... yet it saddens me we always believe the argument that makes the most sense, I mean.... sometimes the truth really doesn't make sense. Consciously I know there's nothing to fear... but my ego won't permit that. Damn ego. Why won't you conform to my understanding? Oh yeah, because it's not beneficial to your existence and truth is a menace to you.... Oh well.

s ce;that word would go hand-in-hand with ignorance,as in being one,you may very well be the other,because we are all uninformed one in the same as we have

s
lose to death. I have dabbled my toes into murky waters,and to many this would remain unknown,and thus,something I may need to show them...Because for so

s ost,the lesson learned for that sole cost would carry beyond the value of words. I'm so eager to throw my life away to be the lesson as opposed to the le

s of disgust;the very root of my own mistrust.

Still the love within me is like that of the martyr,the albatross,and while a solitary life may have been l

s t of humanities debt,so I wonder why I try besides to lessen that burden..

And still,I sit here alone,ponder what worth my achievements would merrit. Wo

s s I have been blessed with, that others had died to enable me to partake in. The sacrafices I have made.. I can't expect them to counterbalance the weigh

s ells,but it is wasted on have-nots and faults the void would whisper. What about the things I have...?

..like my amazing friends.. Like the opportunitie

s Sometimes I sit here alone at night when I'm not quite ready to sleep,and the silence becomes my apparent companion. Inside my heart,this wave of love sw

qt part of me does... Meh, I am not easily led.

q he is under my scrutiny now.. and nothing will escape my eyes now that I am so close to bridging the past and present into one landmark. It's almost ins

q orgive it. But if he's smarter than me, I become the pawn he toys with, playing around with it to more clearly investigate its attributes, to assimilate

q he's so smart, shouldn't he know better than to be doing what he is doing? If I'm smarter than him(if he's telling the truth, I doubt it), then I coulf f

q ns may be, and most probably are.. if not certainly are. If it's true, then I'm not the only one bound to be hurt.. And even if I'm not, she will be. If

q g Pandora's box? I don't trust him.. at all, no matter how much part of me wants things to fall into place so simply. I can sense what his truer intentio

q Ugh, I feel ridiculously off about this. I am getting very bad vibes from him. Very bad... Why do I submit myself to it, still? Is this, too, like openin

A wreck

I've kind of been a state of turmoil lately. Well no, not kind of, I have been. I feel so overwhelmed lately, and the I just freeze.. I can't even move. All momentum just halts. I can't really open up to anybody about this fully, and when I'm frozen, I come to fully appreciate the damage I've been doing myself with my typical negligence.. I can't even let out so much as a whimper. So how could I possibly fix this when my mind, too, is stagnant? It's like I'm being struck over and over again.. and I have no clue.. what to do. I can't even confide in my best friend about it. I feel like absolute crap, and my depression has been returning for weeks.. Suicidal thoughts again, but what can I do? The best choice is to pray and try to ignore it.. I think. Ugh. But what has happened when I didn't ask for help before? I'm not as strong as I like to convey myself as being... but what could anybody else possibly do to help? Won't I feel worse for saying anything, because I'd just be contributing negative to the environment? Am I even wanted or appreciated? Does it even matter what happens to me, or am I just another body?

...would it even matter if I died?
Would it matter if my struggle finally ended?
Is there even any point to it?

Have faith there's an answer you're just choosing not to see at the timebeing.

Truth is, I have one need; without it, I would cease to exist.. and that is to need. It's not really all that natural to me :(

When you start to fear dying, you've started to fear living.

n tting go of the future, you have nothing you will never see. We know the past never did last, so why should we expect differently?

n ything any more than another, have faith in the things that have never changed, because even if it's true we only truly knew nothing; if it is inevitable

n the pain you may in one instance learn, the present is forever evolving. "Memories tell us that it has not ALWAYS been."
If you are to have faith in an

n at all we could know is knowing, and choose not to cause unnecessary pain to yourself by pursuing the impossible.. Rest easy in the understanding that in

n ully die, if you want to find peace in this lifetime, you must embrace the process. For it is all we could ever know in a state of being. Daesin. Know th

n If you live to die, what is the point of continuing to push through the enduring moment's pain? If you want to successfully live, if you want to successf

Well..

Now I remember why I had become your friend.. I saw you walking down a path that would hurt both yourself and the people around you much more than you wanted. I didn't know you very well then, but I understood why you were where you were. What I didn't count on was you pulling me in with you, but I suppose it's necessary.. just please, don't take me too far under. I can only hold my breath for so long...

I love my friends... Sorry D;

I've been thinking about it a lot lately.. How I've undergone a constant cycle of self-denail.. Becoming just attached enough to this illusion so that I don't just.. die. Am I truly so scared to lose attachments after I establish them? Is that it?

I keep trying to limit myself in ways I'm not truly limited.. I do that to more firmly establish my sense of identity, but is it because it's too overwhelming for me if I wasn't just "myself"? How could I make decisions that way, I guess.. and that could cause anxiety.

It's actually not as hard as I would like to believe it is to completely revert back into another form, but I think that's the problem.. I'm way too adaptable.. to the point that I can't tell which way feels best to me personally.

Tonight I will do some soul searching,regardless of the potential risks.

waratte ita boku no yowa wo abaita

I know I will always care about you, even if everybody else drops of the end of the planet.
Remember how I asked you what you thought would happen if you spoke softly?
When you responded that the ones who truly cared would listen, and I proceded to ask why you continue to speak loudly, if you understood that?

I know it's the understanding that few would hear you, and fewer would care what you have to say.
I know it's because you're scared that people care a lot less about you than you need.
I know it's because you're afraid people don't need you, maybe that they won't be there for you.
I know what it means to fear being worthless..

"Please, it doesn't grieve.
Even if the world doesn't permit you, I permit you.

Please, it doesn't grieve.
Even if you do not permit the world, I permit you.

Therefore, please teach.
When you do very, could you permit me?"

No matter what, even if you hate me, even if there was nobody, please at least have faith in me that I will always be here to listen, and even though I have trouble trusting people, even though it scares the crap out of me to allow myself to need somebody, I'm allowing myself to trust you, and that means I'll never not care again..

The main reason I care about you so much is because you're like me in ways I haven't even found a way to explain yet. I identify with you.

It's hard to describe the pain I feel when I know what it's like to have nobody respond when you do finally take the risk of speaking softly. For many years, I received no response. I found again and again the people who mattered most to me didn't care about me at all.. and so I grew wary of people. I told myself I didn't need people, and decided to try my best to become independent, and self-reliant,because people were inconsistent, and they couldn't be trusted to not destroy me if I put my faith in them. All love meant to me was pain, because I had no understanding that there was a better definition to be learned, so I mistrusted that, as well.

I didn't think I was hurt, either.. being hurt was to need, and if I admitted I had needs, then I would have to admit.. that the pain was mine, and that was unbearable.

..and you know, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm SO wrong, and maybe we don't have much in common, and maybe.. I'm just defective. Maybe I'm in denail. Maybe I am alone in this, and maybe you truly don't need me in any respect, making me nothing more than a burden to you. Maybe all I ever was is a burden, but this burden still cares about you more than it could ever describe and if you ever needed me, I would still be here. If you didn't need me, I'll still be here.. and if you don't want to talk to me, I'm still here. Even if I didn't need you, I would care about you, and it would kill me slowly to put you through the exact same things I went through, so because I am learning to not fear being weak, I choose to need you.

Even if nobody else cared about you, I would care about you.
Even if you had nobody else, you would have me.
Even if you have none, I will have needs.
And even if it kills me, I will still love you.

My biggest fear right now is that I'm not enough.
(a secret part of me is dying)

Love is chemical.

It really makes me wonder..what we must be thinking. How similar are we? Some men many would consider wise had said there is nothing to fear but fear itself, but will our fear of needs lead to mutual denail? Tell me, if you also want to output some positive into this grand equation, that you fear taking from me as much as I fear taking from you, but then realize that we both serve a purpose. For two people trying to convince themselves that they don't need anyone or anything, we sure do make successful friends..
But what binds us?

Perhaps the truth is we need each other more than we realize, but the secret is that if we believe the words from our mouths, our relationship will unravel..

There are four words you could say to me, yet I could not say back:
"I don't need you."
..even if it may be true. If you knew that.. wouldn't you break? Isn't that your fear? But I can't let that happen, dear, because I care about you, and I need to not be in pain,the deterrent, which means I need to not hurt the ones I identify with. I may sound cold and systematic, and that's because I am. I'm nowhere near selfless because I am human, but I at least know better than pretending to be. What kind of denail do we keep throwing ourselves into?

~Heart of Fire -Innerpartysystem~
"Do you remember me from a better time?
Infatuation with each other can summarize
All this is tied to the love,
the love you had assumed would never die

I can't remember what I had said
something reminiscent of a relationship
it was easier to lack the truth
than tell you how I feel

But I will surround your heart with lies until the end

I remember you from a better time
conversations saturated with telling lies
all this comes back to the love,
the love the spoke with honest and pure eyes

Now I remember what I had done
something meaningful to get you to fall in love
it was easier to tell you everything you wanted to hear
but I will surround your heart with lies and it's a heavy burden on me,baby
a heavy burden I have never felt before.

Sit back,relax,recover.
A fine time for me to mention you
Get down,regret,and wonder
who ever really tells the truth?"

"What hurt you?" is my secret way of asking what I could prevent causing you pain..

Uh, yeah..

There's a very distinct reason I don't go back and read this crap. That is all.

\ at aware I am making mistakes in the first place. There'a a much wise underastanding being bridged across.. It's a good thing I was born this way..

\ I'm wanting to speak through writing,but it's hard to cumunmicate. Especally because of types. But continually checking spelling errors means I an somewh

... The pain is great. Far greater than I let on.
.....
almost died last night. I'm only alive 'cause I chose to live,to take the pain and its glory with my sickening hero complex. Martyr complex, more like >_< 'cept my sacrifice is living, I know..

I'm still fading in and out,but shhhhhh... ;o
That'll be our little secret.

Things won't remain this way forever.. Sometimes you just have to live in loving the moment for what it is,painting a pretty little picture in your memories,so when things do change..the past won't be lost,and hope will exist.

It's been a long time since I've felt that hurt.. A long time since I've cried that much.. A long time since I'd first felt lonely.. And a long time since I'd become so weak. Things need to change.. now.

For no obvious reason I am going through some really odd perceptual distortions right now.. A little too aware of how scattered my focus is and,well.. Focused.

Why is the sky so big while I'm so small? Why must it always mock me so?

And the worst part is I think part of him knows his relationship with her is what's killing the poor onlooker. Oh,inside I cryyyy... That onlooker's heart is mine,and we are all but the same. I could so easily view him with the same contempt as he,and I could so easily share in his devastation as he deviates from communication.. Poor heart,out of my reach while suffering so I can lend it no rest,while accepting my grip extended would seem most fit.. But they would turn their heads and shield their ears to my solemn warning.. His aura hints more than deprivation,and as such,I am lost in contemplation,taken far from contentment.. Far,far away,because my soul was never just mine,and once this is known to the mind,it cannot be unlearned. Truth is the burden I chose to bear,and the consequences are those I choose to share.

God,spare us..

I love,I love,I love.. But it hurts,oh it hurts.. But it's necessary,so necessary. Yet it's mine,will be mine.. forevermore.

to this moment feels awkward,my eyes burn,my head hurts,and I gradually regained the ability to move..

Why is this happening to me?

And eventually my dad walked in and forced me awake somehow and I was disoriented but somehow managed to turn my head.. I was coughing,that organ still

my death,and I couldn't take it personally.. I was in too much pain,dying,I could barely hear her,and I'd blur in and out of reality.. It was the same..

ttons and..speak(I was breathing less,too,and could no longer move the rest of my limbs)... My mom hung up the phone and started yelling at me for faking

ll 911(I've never called 911,even in the worst situations I've ever been in,nor did I ever ask anyone to),and after struggling my hardest to punch the bu

less of an ability to do with each passing moment,I was so tired.. In the dream,the ringing also began and my heart raced,and I cried out for help,to ca

uld shock.. Mehhh..the pain was real...and I couldn't breathe there,too.. The only way to breathe there was to raise me head and shock myself which I had

ck felt like it was stabbed.. There was an electrical shock-like feeling on my lower lefthand size,and every time I tried to rise up off the ground,it wo

ing and my heart started stuterring.. Kinda started seizing up,cause my muscles we tensing on their own and lying face-down,I couldn't breathe as my face

pressed into my pillow. My head and organs,particularly my right size hurt,and everything became a dream. In the dream I was walking and suddenly my ba

Just almost died.. I didn't try to,but I was falling into sleep after suddenly becoming so tired I needed to lay down,and I started hearing the same ring

I *will* become a better friend,otherwise I will not let myself be close enough to people to hurt them anymore. It comes down to this. I will not allow myself to unconsciously manipulate. I will deal with my own baggage and not put strain on others for it. I won't use trust as a cop-out. I will empower myself.

."

gs creaved by my blade.
And all that we slay shall be cast out from this world for all eternity."
King:"Well done. A splendid accomplishment indeed,Albel

bel:"Damn... What was that voice?"
Sword:"You may take me in hand,warrior of strong heart.
I shall bend to your will.
Together we shall destroy all bein

elf for the death of my father,
brought by my own incompotence!"
???:"This,then,is your answer?"
Albel:"Yes! I hate nothing more than myself!"
*flash*
Al

re that prevents me from cooperating with others!

I hate myself for the jealous nature that makes me envious of those superior to me.

And...
I hate mys

at makes me look down on those weaker than I!

I hate myself for my suspicion-filled heart that distrusts the King!

I hate myself for my rebellious natu

rience that makes me a failure in battle.

I hate myself for the selfishness that will not allow me to accept others!

I hate myself for the arrogance th

...
Do you have hatred for that moster who drove your father to his death?
Albel:"Enough! Enough, I said!!!
I hate myself!

I hate myself for the inexpe

e hatred for that arrogant dragon knight who always looks down on you?

Do you have hatred for one who is better than you and is loved by the masses?

Or

ardly commoner who is not willing to fight to the death?

Do you have hatred for the king who stands above you,handing down selfish commands?

Do you hav

monsters that seek to harm you?

Do you have hatred for worthless subordinates who do not live up to your expectations?

Do you have hatred for the cow

at utter nonsense! I've no time for stupid questions. What is it you wish to say!?"
???: There is no conflict without hate.

Do you have hatred for those

is it you hate?"
Albel:"Hate?
What do you mean?!"
???:Hate is the root of power. Those who go against one's will must be compelled by force."
Albel:"Wh

Albel:"O Sword of the Crimson Scourge. I command you recognize me as your master. And I command you to grant me your power!"
???:"Seeker of power...
What

Wow,seriously,I can't believe I did that. I don't think I've opened up to anyone like this before besides *him*,but she's definitely different than he was. She's genuine,sincere.. Fearless,too. I admire that,and.. Just wow.

I love this type of friendship more than anything; the type where each person can grow from the other and there's just this kindling appreciation and caring.. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the whole wide world <3 because you know what? That's love. There's nothing greater.. Nothing. I am indebted. I'll fight every single demon that comes my way, trumph ever obstacle that causes me pain, prove her trust was just,be brave, and walk to the ends of the world,protecting the smile that illuminates her face and.. She's taking a risk in being my friend just the same as I'm taking a chance in trusting her.. She can depend on me. I'll never betray her,ever. I'll defend the space she's claimed in my heart with all the spirit I've got. Refortified by her kindness, I have the strength to carry on.

I've been better,but..

..then again,I haven't truly. I wish that her friendship was actually helping me.. That people outside of myself actually could make a difference,but.. it never really seems to end.

I'm not depressed necessarily,but I'm gonna venture to say I'm heading there. I don't want to make a habit of writing here only when I'm depressed,but at the same time.. I prolly need to.

I'm so scared.. that she doesn't really like me as a friend or a person, that she's getting tired of me.. that I'm wearing her down through my tendency to confess things.. that I should be able to just take upon myself,but unfortunately.. I can't. I seriously can't. I've tried,but it's a choice between somehow setting those things free or shutting myself away for eternity.. But I love her as a person,and I don't want to hurt her by saying those things.. the truth.. because they're things she shouldn't have to worry about. It should be my burden to bear.. I should be the silent martyr.. I wish I was stronger :(
Heh, the song "Hey Jude".. something told me to listen to that song,though I didn't really remember the lyrics.

Bawww... horrible.. this song is horrible because it makes me feel so much right now D;

It's so taxing to put my faith in people when it feels like there's so much to potentially lose.. I.. am risking so much.. she doesn't even realize how much my general faith in people has been shaped by her optimism and obvious innocence.. something that would only become apparent through being her friend. That connection is helping me come back to life.. yeah,for a long time I was dead. I couldn't afford to live.. not truly.. I was limited by my own fears,but.. I feel people like her are worth living for. People like her show me that love still exists in a world so cold. Without realizing it,she taught me that somehow,God is still watching over me,and that I'm not in this alone.

Graduating at the end of this year is going to hurt me so badly _<;
I'm overly pessimistic and anxious.
I'm super critical of myself.
I worry way the hell too much.
I relate too many things to myself.
I don't focus on other peoples' needs enough.
I spend too much time focusing on my own thoughts.
I don't listen with a clear mind enough.
I can't let things go as much as I should..
I'm too neurotic.
I'm probably too paranoid.
I'm too perfectionistic.
I'm too melodramatic.
I'm too prideful.
I'm too conceded.
I'm too sensitive.
I'm too over-analytical.
I'm too hypocritical in ways I probably don't even know enough of.
I'm too cowardly.
I'm too self-sabotaging.
I'm too self-righteous.
I'm too impressing with my values.
I'm too fixated on things that don't matter to people.
I'm too oblivious.
I'm too scared to make mistakes.
I'm too blinded by my hopes and aspirations.
I'm too absorbed in anything outside of the moment.
I'm too prideful to ask for help.
I'm too prideful to admit I really don't ask for help because I'm scared to death.
I'm too passive, in ways.
I'm too vulnerable.
I'm too redundant.
I'm too expecting.
I'm too assumptuous.
I blame too much.
I'm too much in denail.
I exaggerate way too much.
I'm too horrible..
I'm too stupid.. I can't even allow myself to be human when I try to promote it in other people.
I'm too oblivious.
I'm too inconsiderate.
I'm too pompous,if I think I can even judge anybody for being what they're born.
I'm too selfish,as I sit her absorbed in my faults when I could be helping the world or at least be making positive change somehow.
I'm too self-contradictory.
I'm too weak.
I'm too frustrating to myself.
I'm too much of a burden to others.
I'm too insecure.
I'm too aggrevating to myself.

Even god can't forgive myself for me. I'm condemning myself.. I want to forgive myself,but it doesn't change the feeling. How can I blame myself for this? I didn't choose this.. to feel this way.. please stop thinking T.T Please stop. Please.

Quotes

"This story was mine as much as I could feel the words in my hearts,saw the memory searing in my mind.."

"when someone blames another,they essentially say 'I have this feeling,but it's not really mine. You gave it to me,now take it back!'"

"Of course there's nowhere to go,and my heart feels a bit too heavy,while my thoughts think a little too dettachedly. I keep getting lost in them still,but I can't hear them."

"I've managed to keep my composure so far.. Gotta keep the facade up long enough so they don't ever have to see how hurt and broken up I am inside."

"Too many words have such little meaning.."

"All this time I was writing,but it probably could have only meant something to me."

"It's not people involved. Alot of terminology,but it doesn't evoke the feeling."

"One group dehumanizes the other group so they can be treated differently.. It was no big deal to kill them.. they were less than human. By changing language,they changed what has happened,and when they did that,they changed reality.. changing language changed the way they thought.."

"They make things vague so it all is what you decide it is."

"Hypothesize about this or that or not; maybe the thought crossed a mind for a moment,but it wouldn't linger longer than any other thing.."

"So close I've come so many times, I felt the hot tears stinging,burning my eyes red like I want people to see truth there at this point."

"Hate and love are too similar, but one is shown in self-defense.. defense of self against attack by self.

"Life is the object open to interpretation."

"People hurt other people,and that fear of pain feigns apathy."

"It's never good enough, it will never be good enough, because it will never be perfect.. not in our own eyes..."

"I know my love because my love loves me."

"Faith doesn't need a religion, though I guess religion helps people find it when they couldn't identify it within themselves.."

"I belong to nobody,or to all, to all I give myself in my clean thoughts and feelings." -not my quote.

"You think you do things you don't choose to do guys? Then-
-You talk you miss,guys.
Tell me,when was the last time you did something you chose not to do?"

"Some will tell you it doesn't matter. That is a lie. Everything,every single thing matters. And nothing good happens fast."- not mine

"they ask me to remember
but they want me to remember
their memories
and i keep on remembering
mine."-not mine



"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world."-not mine

"God is never absolutely whole in his own right and for him to exist,we must,too."

Sometimes..

Sometimes I feel my body,like I'm alive, like I can control it... Like I'm real. Sometimes I don't. During those times that I don't,I wonder if I was ever real,or if any of this was ever real,and not just a figment of my imagination.. a daydream kidnapping me from another dimension and perpetually trapping me in a state of oblivion..

Sometimes I feel the only way to wake up is to end the dream.

Sometimes I feel like a puppet.. dangling from the stings of a twisted,sadistic marionette's tool.. and I feel like I am intentionally tricked into believing there's an inkling of a chance I could grasp the scissors that are always there,right out of reach.

But I know..
I know I'm getting tired of this sick little game. I know I cannot physically or spiritually tolerate it much longer. I know if I live in the afterlife and am allowed to reflect back on all of this,it couldn't possibly lead me to an insanity beyond what I already am experiencing,because there's nothing new I would learn.. no possibility that I could consider that could make me fear change... in this moment,even hell seems like a pleasant escape. No, even now I wouldn't make a deal with the devil, but I've been gradually losing control.. But I'll continue fighting to my death.

I know he cares..

..he shows it through his actions... though I may not have recognized it if I hadn't known him for as long as I have. Knowing it doesn't make me less depressed,though I can think thoughts someone outside of my body may consider happy.. they mean nothing to me;they are just words,lies.. After I beat that game,I knew I should die.. I should die...
Maybe my mind makes no sense,and frankly I'd rather feel so I knew exactly what I'm having to deal with...

WGHAOWGHWOEFOJGWOAJGWGVOFJOASODFJGWD:GJSgpWPGH"AWPgawhgawpfj[s
d

Things have been too much for me lately.. Writing for hours cannot even begin to relieve the anxiety from my pressured thoughts. Everything becomes valuable to know,everything means nothing..to me...

I'm so frustrated I don't feel like trying to communicate anymore.. I can't force myself to, I'm ready to just turn inwards and cut myself away completely. I can't live without meaning when it's so much easier to die to seek it.






~~~~~~~~~~~`



this post was actually from the 10th of March.. I just never pressed the publish button

tired and FINE

I'll say I'm tired,and I'm fucked up,irrational,neurotic,and excessive :D I woke up this morning feeling suicidal,by 2nd period I loved the world, by lunch I was ??? by after school I was coming down again, by 7pm I was suicidal. w00. I sincerely hope she's okay,because frankly,if she's dead, my world is going to completely fall apart.. I've been on the edge for awhile,anyways.. C'mon. Be that one thing. I dare you >_>

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Too close..

Sara came WAY too close.. too fawking close,man. She almost caused me to fall apart :\ Dang her and her lies of friendship.. total lies.. the look of "sincerity" did not convince me,not for a moment,and I wouldn't give in to that to save my own life, she couldn't understand. Nobody could understand. Nobody WILL understand,because I won't give them the tools to,because I can't trust them.. because I don't trust myself... to not tear apart their hopes and aspirations,all on a whim :( I'm a menace.. and they don't even know the kinds of secrets I have. The kinds of things I am going through,that I didn't choose,but happen anyways.. nor could they understand how critical this situation is with me right now. These next few months,if not few weeks,if not few days,will be the most dangerous of my life. It's funny how I can say I'm FINE and get away with it because they have no clue what it really means. Fucked IN extreme. lolol. Apparently saying "I'm fine." is the #1 lie. >_> oh well. Can't quite bring myself to care.. If you could hear inside my head right now, it wouldn't be very pleasant. Suicidal obsessions yet again.. *sigh*

But how alive could I be in that single moment of irony?

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

obsessive thoughts,obsessive thoughts;
they will not leave me alone!
I think and I think and I know that I think,
but I know what I think I can't know.

Reflecting on times long past..

It's surprising. I always have this tendency to assume I was so different in the way I thought a year ago, but who I am hasn't really undergone so much of a transformation. In many ways, I believe I was more creative and more intensely driven by my aspirations, but now.. I don't know. I really don't know.

Every day that passes is a reminder that time is running out and I'm beginning to feel a little cornered. I've been dealing with some pretty horrible depression lately, if it wasn't apparent. Suicidal thoughts continually run through my head;I'm trying my best to ignore them,but in times of weakness.. I want to regress. Regress back into my most pitiful state of being... I want to die, I want to live, I want to not know, I want to know,I want time to stop,but to not be wherever "here" is.
I never would have imagined I could relate so well to others with these thoughts.. Not truly. Not in the way that I can. Not in the way that I am. Everybody needs somebody sometimes. I am not above it. I don't want a relationship.. I really could care less, but what I need is a friend. I need somebody to whom I am not a faceless entity.. and I think I've discovered somebody like that. Somebody who.. I'd much rather listen to and talk with and I really.. They're just amazing. I've had this nagging suspicion about this person for years..

..I should talk less. I could sympathize more.

I'm not gonna lie,it's hurts to try but I have to learn to depend on myself if I ever want to make it outside off hell's cell.

Balance

Is an interesting thing to strive to achieve. When you think about it,it's a sense of imbalance that gives our lives any meaning. I had a philosophical debate about it with Pat about it,actually,and in the end she lost an answer and I gained nothing. Oh well. Back to square one yet again..

It's really quite a shame I go completely dellusional from time to time.. Some of my ideas might have been brilliant if I knew I was being dellusional and could figure out just how I was doing it.. but my trains of thoughts are too faulty at times, I can't trust my judgement. What I lack is a sense of continuity of self.



"Selective-Encoding Insight- Involving one to distinguish what is important in a problem and what is irrelevant. (i.e. filter)
Selective-Comparison Insight- Identifying information by finding a connection between acquired knowledge and experience.
Selective-Combination Insight- Identifying a problem through understanding the different components and putting everything together."



The first one is mainly my problem.. It leads to pointless obsessions and overstimulation.






hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.........

How can I be at such a loss of words?

I'm the person who can write page after page about nothing,yet here I am,speechless and torn. Everything about this is all too familiar. I can only do what I can,anything beyond that is.. not in my control. Not something I would deny thinking about,but it's not my responsibility. I know where my heart is and I guess ultimately that's what matters,but.. I wish it didn't hurt this bad to give up control of my words;to know that nothing I could say would allow them to come across in a specific way.. the way I actually intend them to be recieved. Is it truly so hard to understand that there can exist something between extremes? Meh.. it did use to be for.. It was a long journey for me back then;one I'm still trailing through,and I'm not afraid of whatever the future may bring. Yet..


"I hope you're happy in the end...
I hope you're happy,my..friend...."

It is really starting to seem like life is a prolonged hyprasy. Everything occurs in circles and cycles,ultimately leading us back to base one. "If pain leads me from reason,then what force am I left with? No longer would it be an act of treason to find the answers the one way I could."I had said before,but perhaps the treason lies in the illusion of reason,or I see that there is reason in treason,both ideas being equally true,still leaving me with no proclaimed direction,but I don't control the fact that I move. Meh.

Sometimes I stop and ask myself "What the fuck are you doing?! Are you INSANE???" and then I realize I'm following my heart,acknowledging my emotions as being a part of me. This is my true self.. I'd gain nothing in denying it but an emptiness..one I'd come to know well in the past. It's so weird to think I would have screwed myself over at a time,but then it makes perfect sense logically.. If not doing so would have resulted in me remaining the same,I would never have moved past my skewed reality. It's been a long,weary roading.. Maybe I shouldn't feel proud,because to be myself considering how the fact that I had orchestrated my own demise before makes me doubley a perpetrator,but I do. I guess somebody else will have to codemn me :( This doesn't change the fact that I have peace knowing I did the best I could,and whatever happens in my life is beyond me. I'm ready for the next lesson,or possible consequence.

eality exists than the one I experience and I will learn to appreciate things how they are without making a comparison to another point in time.

love and truly submit to the idea that I know nothing(and that knowing nothing,I still know as much as anybody else).. I will not believe that a better r

y more correct or true than another and that real "truth" is whatever I choose to make it. I will not confuse the love of external reassurance as actual

mine are really a matter of opinion,and accepting that opinion is mine,regardless of how others may judge it. I will remember no judgement is technicall

t make sense to me,but I will seek to understand from where they originated. I will try not to impose my opinions on others,acknowledging what beliefs of

t and not my head,and to live for my heart with my heart as my head guides me in doing so. I will not devalue emotions or thoughts just because they don'

regardless of others' reactions,I will feel fulfilled within myself knowing I can only do my best at any given time. I promise to love myself for my hear

my past and present motivations,and ready to reform. I will learn to feel while I think and be in the moment simultaneously. I will learn to act so that,

nsight to know it was necessary to uncondition myself and draw the distinction between one thing or another,opinion or fact. Here I am now,very aware of

an awful price,yet I was too young to distinguish between pride,self-gratification,and self-love..even self-acceptance. The connection was made with no i

dencies and bouts of self-denail;the idea that if I wasn't one way,I would no longer be a valuable person. Commiting the sin of being prideful came with

g. If you brag,you will end up with no friends,because nobody likes braggers." ..I think it might have been what triggered alot of my perfectionistic ten

covering up the true problem:the underlying cause. I remember perfectly the moment in my life when I was younger that my mother had warned me,"Don't bra

formation,without those extremes,I would not be so unstable mentally right now. Helping people is my anti-drug,but it works just the same. Either way,I'm

The most significant thing I have to say in regards to everything is that extremes are evil. <_> Even if everything that occurs is a product of reaction

an contrasting characteristics. That simple truth is one too many people disregard.

ome. I've studied all types of philosophy so that I could be able to identify in each foreign concept. Afterall,we will always share more similarities th

hey exist contrary to my plane.. They're not any less true or any less real;just different,and difference is something of an illusion which we must overc

t that other people do not understand things the same way as I do without looking down on them,but I can see wisdom in their differing outlooks,even if t

hing more or less than it,so I find no reason to deny it. My heart is what leads me to resolve outdated beliefs,not a drive of perfectionism. I can accep

make me human. For a long time,I used to be afraid of being human,too;I've come to find it's the happiest and most honest way to live. I'll never be anyt

used to be much more prideful,yet pain taught humility.. Something I had needed to learn for a long time. I'm not afraid of my flaws,though I know they

ways I've changed.. I'm pretty happy with the person I have become through all of this. It took time,but the important lessons typically do to sink in. I

sure I've changed in a great many ways. I realize that I change more than I would realize,anyways,so it really is saying alot to consciously be aware of

r gone since I first attempted and at the moment,I don't even feel suicidal ;D it's quite a feat. Even though in many ways my life is much worse than it

had been then,I seem to be generally happier.. I can't believe it's been over 2 years oO.. Even the last year just seemed to fly by :D Despite that,I am

I've been thinking about it and I figure I should congratulate myself. It's been over 6 monthes since my last suicide attempt. That's longer than I'd eve

Sooooo...yeah... Woke up at 4am this morning and right now I'm over at Sunnyside High School.

ny sense,but I still cry.. I have no idea.. None.. I have nothing..
..i am nothing... Maybe in sleep I'll drift far away,and never revisit this place..

n reality while in dreams I wake up and all I can know is right now which I can't tolerate not ending.. I can't know if it will,or if any of this makes a

end up like her D; but there's nothing to cry for..I am so confused. So many times it hasn't made sense the next day,how do I know I'm not dreaming now i

o badly T~T my head...
GHRAW,away.. There is a tear streaming down my cheek.. One never-ending tear. I wish I knew how to help myself.. I don't want to

e confines of my mind,bound,gagged,and drowning,all at the same time... I couldn't care;in my dreams I knew,but they were apart from me...
it hurts soooo

o awareness.. Nobody could even understand how I could be so dead while living.. There was no control,no will for it... I was trapped somewhere beyond th

than a spectator... I was less than a puppet,totally seperate from thought and emotion,I resided in the moment proceeding.. There was no consciousness,n

OmgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgGET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD
nmdjlrfbfmtbybmfcnflxkmbfjgjhfhjmngbm.hjxfhjbc?dghilbcghjilbhjj?vbm bnmvyuicvbcnmcbnmxchjzxfbnmchnmhjikhjgjghkhvctyukj

IT WON'T STOP
nights on end
and it gets worse
with each passing
period of unrest
the divider between
my world and
theirs is starting
to dissolve back
into the nothingness
where my head
would rather be
reality,and I was no longer me. Nothing had value or purpose,and there was nothing to live for,nothing mattered. Everything was there,and I was even less
I keep remembering when I completely seperated fromthan a spectator... I was less than a puppet,totally seperate from thought and emotion,I resided in the moment proceeding.. There was no consciousness,n

thout being aware while we're doing it. We can't know which times we weren't aware,so ultimately, we depend on the truth we see. One that always changes.

We make true what we believe,and objectity doesn't matter unless we involve another perspective. Even then,we pick and choose.. And we even may do so wi

is more true?" Then I realize the pointlessness of the question because the answer was already obvious before I asked it. Everything and nothing is true.

logic has been faulty before and unwillingly/unknowingly limited,and your emotions have no known rational basis at times,which is more dependable? Which

fluctuation in my routine and label it the source. Heh.. It all would be ration,but just as much untrue. Sometimes I think this way..sometimes.... But em

otions exist.. I can't pretend they don't. I can't pretend that they don't sometimes get the best of me,either... Then I question "What is real? If your

larness could be explained away,even if I still find no other option than to call it a neurochemical discrepansy.. I can backtrack to find the slightest

to be an authentic,unbiased,logical connection. I feel to fall back on viewing emotions as a work of magic would be cheating myself. Even most of my bipo

t regardless of my will to leave it be,part of me still seeks to give it meaning. Somehow,that same part of me never fails to establish what truly seems

self that a feeling can exist without having to rationalize it first, and that,like Pascal philosophized,"The heart has reasons which man cannot know",bu

fortunately,there is no emotional compensation for my gained understanding, and outside of logic,life seems to lack depth and meaning :/ I try to tell my

in more insight about through what means it came to be. It doesn't hinder what you believed would be an astounding sense of intuition;it amplifies it! Un

I tend to experience an emotion,dettach from it,then analyze it for any intuitive value. Au contraire,Pat. By existing outside of the emotion itself,I ga

I have a tendency to disassociate from the moment and my sense of self as I think.. I guess it would explain why it's hard fo my to form my own opinion.

A couple of issues were brought to my awareness today in therapy..
Apparently it's an issue that I can't easily think and feel at the same time and that

being the model of a concave circle? Maybe tomorrow I can dare to see the sky as being boundless again,instead of an obscure extension of these 4 walls.

state of implosion and the window is so tempting again,but what would be more unsettling;a being crushed into the shape of an indefinitely small cube,or

moment exists the past,present,and future,with the concept of them being seperate nothing more than an illusion.. My white walls seem to be in a constant

had set,enough to keep me warm. I think,therefore I am.. I think,therefore I am.. All I can know is the moment;through it,we are all connected. In this

ving in the moment. These questions have weaved their way into the fabrication of my complete perception, with neither that knowledge,nor the two fires I

age of three. Even still,they are just as much an obsession to me now as they has ever been,and they don't cease to preoccupy me even in the midst of li

believe I was insane.. I've recycled these same questions though my mind since I was first aware of the outside world and the concept of death:the young

interesting thing to be trapped this way in the confines of your mind :/ Interesting,but it's something I am far to familiar with,and.. I always used to

so long plagued me. I try to fight fire with fire with the hope that one will burn out the other instead of somehow feeding off each other. It's such an

ty that is brought in such a fashion that it would fully sink in.. There appears to be no way to lastingly satuate this thirst for understanding that has

would not so easily return to the reigns. Part of me seems to linger and in the meantime,I feel completely incomplete. To my dismay, I can find no validi

:when did that dream end and when did reality begin? "I think,therefore I am..", I'd chant redundantly in my mind,like some sort of mantra;yet awareness

ery time I awake from such a phase,whole again,but with such gaps in my recollection that it all appeared to be a prolonged dream. The problem is,however

mind,all sensibility following my gaze out the window. Irrationality has payed me a visit time and time again,but it was disguised as revelation..and ev

There are songs rolling through my head,fragmented lyrics looping over and over like an obsession awaiting my next compulsion.. For nights I have lost my

Slowly I see myself becoming more like him..

I remember way back when.. I was far from being in his shoes. I had this illusion of understanding that would only later dissolve into what it really was;nothing,ignorance,misunderstands for which I was to blame. "You always make assumptions",and I couldn't understand what he meant by that then,though I was sure I did. I was always so sure that I understood him better than he understood himself.

But now, here I am. I see myself then through his eyes, and I see from where his irritation stemmed.. what fatal errors he made along the way,and the obstacles I must overcome as I try not to retrace his footsteps. Being so passive,as was he, I'm going to have to approach the situation on a whole different level, and I've known that. Every outlash would be a strike at myself.. I felt that way with Maria,too. Walking on eggshells... When people are so fragile, we have no idea what little thing could cause them to break,even if it's not our fault they're made of porcelain. I don't want people to say they understand this,because they don't. I am always ambiguous for a reason;so people DON'T try to relate. I was hoping they'd realize I'm being so unspecific that they can't. This is the way I show my annoyance. This is how I understand why he eventually stopped talking.. People are so selfish. They pretend to care about what you have to say only if it benefits them.. and so many people want me to listen, to tell them "It's okay, you're not the bad guy.. It will be okay,don't worry about it. I'll be your martyr." and I do. I am. But if came the day they no longer needed me, I would be disposed of, and I'm well aware of this. This is why they don't truly care what I have to say. They are only so much the victims as they are the criminals. I need space! I can't be expected to give up all my health and sanity to other people just because it would be most comfortable them.. I need to stop catering to their every whimper. My problem is I feel responsible if other people say I hurt them.. and another flashback reminds me of how he had been.

"It's not my fault you were hurt because I stepped on your foot."

..but to WHAT EXTENT do I cause people pain,or is it only in their perspective? To what point do action and intention balance out? JHEAOJHGPJRETGPWAJRHBPSEWARHB{JES{RgkoEAHRBEKDf[HGJEA{rkgh[JGRH{FhRP{KHEA{

ationalize what's happening at times like these. Less willing to analyze,maybe. I'm the same person,I'm just so tired :(

when my energy level changes. What a fool I would be to think I'm better or worse off than anybody else.. As opposed to realizing I'm just less able to r

sis to hold onto what should matter,like life. I guess others still find value in my optimism,so I'm not completely useless yet,even if I am a hypocrite

ight now,but I don't want to appear so weak. I've been having thoughts of suicide/self-harm for weeks,nonstop.. I'm just doing my best on a day-to-day ba

t year,anyway..

..I'm too scatter-minded right now. I find it hard to listen to my innervoice. It keeps telling me how scarey life seems to be for me r

hey found out it was something really bad. I wouldn't really care that much,either.. I've been trying to live to the best of my ability everyday this pas

lso looked up to her,and that's something I can't say I do to most people.. We were on the verge of discovering something important,then I woke up. Dang

:/

..I have a couple tests/operations upcoming this month to hopefully discover the reason for my health's decline.. I really wouldn't be surprised if t

bos,and watched passing cars,staring up into the remarkably starry sky and contemplating existence.. This girl was amazing..
..I slightly envied her. I a

ediately. She had extremely mellow outlook about life and we snuck out of my window,into the night. We ended lying on the grass with some other people/ho

I mean by that,but a hug would be the best thing ever ~_~

I had a dream last night of a girl I had never met before.. We were best friends almost imm

I kinda need a hug or something right now;partially because I'm freezing to death,partially because it would feel sooooo right. I can't even explain what