And the worst part is I think part of him knows his relationship with her is what's killing the poor onlooker. Oh,inside I cryyyy... That onlooker's heart is mine,and we are all but the same. I could so easily view him with the same contempt as he,and I could so easily share in his devastation as he deviates from communication.. Poor heart,out of my reach while suffering so I can lend it no rest,while accepting my grip extended would seem most fit.. But they would turn their heads and shield their ears to my solemn warning.. His aura hints more than deprivation,and as such,I am lost in contemplation,taken far from contentment.. Far,far away,because my soul was never just mine,and once this is known to the mind,it cannot be unlearned. Truth is the burden I chose to bear,and the consequences are those I choose to share.

God,spare us..

I love,I love,I love.. But it hurts,oh it hurts.. But it's necessary,so necessary. Yet it's mine,will be mine.. forevermore.

to this moment feels awkward,my eyes burn,my head hurts,and I gradually regained the ability to move..

Why is this happening to me?

And eventually my dad walked in and forced me awake somehow and I was disoriented but somehow managed to turn my head.. I was coughing,that organ still

my death,and I couldn't take it personally.. I was in too much pain,dying,I could barely hear her,and I'd blur in and out of reality.. It was the same..

ttons and..speak(I was breathing less,too,and could no longer move the rest of my limbs)... My mom hung up the phone and started yelling at me for faking

ll 911(I've never called 911,even in the worst situations I've ever been in,nor did I ever ask anyone to),and after struggling my hardest to punch the bu

less of an ability to do with each passing moment,I was so tired.. In the dream,the ringing also began and my heart raced,and I cried out for help,to ca

uld shock.. Mehhh..the pain was real...and I couldn't breathe there,too.. The only way to breathe there was to raise me head and shock myself which I had

ck felt like it was stabbed.. There was an electrical shock-like feeling on my lower lefthand size,and every time I tried to rise up off the ground,it wo

ing and my heart started stuterring.. Kinda started seizing up,cause my muscles we tensing on their own and lying face-down,I couldn't breathe as my face

pressed into my pillow. My head and organs,particularly my right size hurt,and everything became a dream. In the dream I was walking and suddenly my ba

Just almost died.. I didn't try to,but I was falling into sleep after suddenly becoming so tired I needed to lay down,and I started hearing the same ring

I *will* become a better friend,otherwise I will not let myself be close enough to people to hurt them anymore. It comes down to this. I will not allow myself to unconsciously manipulate. I will deal with my own baggage and not put strain on others for it. I won't use trust as a cop-out. I will empower myself.

."

gs creaved by my blade.
And all that we slay shall be cast out from this world for all eternity."
King:"Well done. A splendid accomplishment indeed,Albel

bel:"Damn... What was that voice?"
Sword:"You may take me in hand,warrior of strong heart.
I shall bend to your will.
Together we shall destroy all bein

elf for the death of my father,
brought by my own incompotence!"
???:"This,then,is your answer?"
Albel:"Yes! I hate nothing more than myself!"
*flash*
Al

re that prevents me from cooperating with others!

I hate myself for the jealous nature that makes me envious of those superior to me.

And...
I hate mys

at makes me look down on those weaker than I!

I hate myself for my suspicion-filled heart that distrusts the King!

I hate myself for my rebellious natu

rience that makes me a failure in battle.

I hate myself for the selfishness that will not allow me to accept others!

I hate myself for the arrogance th

...
Do you have hatred for that moster who drove your father to his death?
Albel:"Enough! Enough, I said!!!
I hate myself!

I hate myself for the inexpe

e hatred for that arrogant dragon knight who always looks down on you?

Do you have hatred for one who is better than you and is loved by the masses?

Or

ardly commoner who is not willing to fight to the death?

Do you have hatred for the king who stands above you,handing down selfish commands?

Do you hav

monsters that seek to harm you?

Do you have hatred for worthless subordinates who do not live up to your expectations?

Do you have hatred for the cow

at utter nonsense! I've no time for stupid questions. What is it you wish to say!?"
???: There is no conflict without hate.

Do you have hatred for those

is it you hate?"
Albel:"Hate?
What do you mean?!"
???:Hate is the root of power. Those who go against one's will must be compelled by force."
Albel:"Wh

Albel:"O Sword of the Crimson Scourge. I command you recognize me as your master. And I command you to grant me your power!"
???:"Seeker of power...
What

Wow,seriously,I can't believe I did that. I don't think I've opened up to anyone like this before besides *him*,but she's definitely different than he was. She's genuine,sincere.. Fearless,too. I admire that,and.. Just wow.

I love this type of friendship more than anything; the type where each person can grow from the other and there's just this kindling appreciation and caring.. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the whole wide world <3 because you know what? That's love. There's nothing greater.. Nothing. I am indebted. I'll fight every single demon that comes my way, trumph ever obstacle that causes me pain, prove her trust was just,be brave, and walk to the ends of the world,protecting the smile that illuminates her face and.. She's taking a risk in being my friend just the same as I'm taking a chance in trusting her.. She can depend on me. I'll never betray her,ever. I'll defend the space she's claimed in my heart with all the spirit I've got. Refortified by her kindness, I have the strength to carry on.

I've been better,but..

..then again,I haven't truly. I wish that her friendship was actually helping me.. That people outside of myself actually could make a difference,but.. it never really seems to end.

I'm not depressed necessarily,but I'm gonna venture to say I'm heading there. I don't want to make a habit of writing here only when I'm depressed,but at the same time.. I prolly need to.

I'm so scared.. that she doesn't really like me as a friend or a person, that she's getting tired of me.. that I'm wearing her down through my tendency to confess things.. that I should be able to just take upon myself,but unfortunately.. I can't. I seriously can't. I've tried,but it's a choice between somehow setting those things free or shutting myself away for eternity.. But I love her as a person,and I don't want to hurt her by saying those things.. the truth.. because they're things she shouldn't have to worry about. It should be my burden to bear.. I should be the silent martyr.. I wish I was stronger :(
Heh, the song "Hey Jude".. something told me to listen to that song,though I didn't really remember the lyrics.

Bawww... horrible.. this song is horrible because it makes me feel so much right now D;

It's so taxing to put my faith in people when it feels like there's so much to potentially lose.. I.. am risking so much.. she doesn't even realize how much my general faith in people has been shaped by her optimism and obvious innocence.. something that would only become apparent through being her friend. That connection is helping me come back to life.. yeah,for a long time I was dead. I couldn't afford to live.. not truly.. I was limited by my own fears,but.. I feel people like her are worth living for. People like her show me that love still exists in a world so cold. Without realizing it,she taught me that somehow,God is still watching over me,and that I'm not in this alone.

Graduating at the end of this year is going to hurt me so badly _<;
I'm overly pessimistic and anxious.
I'm super critical of myself.
I worry way the hell too much.
I relate too many things to myself.
I don't focus on other peoples' needs enough.
I spend too much time focusing on my own thoughts.
I don't listen with a clear mind enough.
I can't let things go as much as I should..
I'm too neurotic.
I'm probably too paranoid.
I'm too perfectionistic.
I'm too melodramatic.
I'm too prideful.
I'm too conceded.
I'm too sensitive.
I'm too over-analytical.
I'm too hypocritical in ways I probably don't even know enough of.
I'm too cowardly.
I'm too self-sabotaging.
I'm too self-righteous.
I'm too impressing with my values.
I'm too fixated on things that don't matter to people.
I'm too oblivious.
I'm too scared to make mistakes.
I'm too blinded by my hopes and aspirations.
I'm too absorbed in anything outside of the moment.
I'm too prideful to ask for help.
I'm too prideful to admit I really don't ask for help because I'm scared to death.
I'm too passive, in ways.
I'm too vulnerable.
I'm too redundant.
I'm too expecting.
I'm too assumptuous.
I blame too much.
I'm too much in denail.
I exaggerate way too much.
I'm too horrible..
I'm too stupid.. I can't even allow myself to be human when I try to promote it in other people.
I'm too oblivious.
I'm too inconsiderate.
I'm too pompous,if I think I can even judge anybody for being what they're born.
I'm too selfish,as I sit her absorbed in my faults when I could be helping the world or at least be making positive change somehow.
I'm too self-contradictory.
I'm too weak.
I'm too frustrating to myself.
I'm too much of a burden to others.
I'm too insecure.
I'm too aggrevating to myself.

Even god can't forgive myself for me. I'm condemning myself.. I want to forgive myself,but it doesn't change the feeling. How can I blame myself for this? I didn't choose this.. to feel this way.. please stop thinking T.T Please stop. Please.

Quotes

"This story was mine as much as I could feel the words in my hearts,saw the memory searing in my mind.."

"when someone blames another,they essentially say 'I have this feeling,but it's not really mine. You gave it to me,now take it back!'"

"Of course there's nowhere to go,and my heart feels a bit too heavy,while my thoughts think a little too dettachedly. I keep getting lost in them still,but I can't hear them."

"I've managed to keep my composure so far.. Gotta keep the facade up long enough so they don't ever have to see how hurt and broken up I am inside."

"Too many words have such little meaning.."

"All this time I was writing,but it probably could have only meant something to me."

"It's not people involved. Alot of terminology,but it doesn't evoke the feeling."

"One group dehumanizes the other group so they can be treated differently.. It was no big deal to kill them.. they were less than human. By changing language,they changed what has happened,and when they did that,they changed reality.. changing language changed the way they thought.."

"They make things vague so it all is what you decide it is."

"Hypothesize about this or that or not; maybe the thought crossed a mind for a moment,but it wouldn't linger longer than any other thing.."

"So close I've come so many times, I felt the hot tears stinging,burning my eyes red like I want people to see truth there at this point."

"Hate and love are too similar, but one is shown in self-defense.. defense of self against attack by self.

"Life is the object open to interpretation."

"People hurt other people,and that fear of pain feigns apathy."

"It's never good enough, it will never be good enough, because it will never be perfect.. not in our own eyes..."

"I know my love because my love loves me."

"Faith doesn't need a religion, though I guess religion helps people find it when they couldn't identify it within themselves.."

"I belong to nobody,or to all, to all I give myself in my clean thoughts and feelings." -not my quote.

"You think you do things you don't choose to do guys? Then-
-You talk you miss,guys.
Tell me,when was the last time you did something you chose not to do?"

"Some will tell you it doesn't matter. That is a lie. Everything,every single thing matters. And nothing good happens fast."- not mine

"they ask me to remember
but they want me to remember
their memories
and i keep on remembering
mine."-not mine



"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world."-not mine

"God is never absolutely whole in his own right and for him to exist,we must,too."