qt part of me does... Meh, I am not easily led.

q he is under my scrutiny now.. and nothing will escape my eyes now that I am so close to bridging the past and present into one landmark. It's almost ins

q orgive it. But if he's smarter than me, I become the pawn he toys with, playing around with it to more clearly investigate its attributes, to assimilate

q he's so smart, shouldn't he know better than to be doing what he is doing? If I'm smarter than him(if he's telling the truth, I doubt it), then I coulf f

q ns may be, and most probably are.. if not certainly are. If it's true, then I'm not the only one bound to be hurt.. And even if I'm not, she will be. If

q g Pandora's box? I don't trust him.. at all, no matter how much part of me wants things to fall into place so simply. I can sense what his truer intentio

q Ugh, I feel ridiculously off about this. I am getting very bad vibes from him. Very bad... Why do I submit myself to it, still? Is this, too, like openin

A wreck

I've kind of been a state of turmoil lately. Well no, not kind of, I have been. I feel so overwhelmed lately, and the I just freeze.. I can't even move. All momentum just halts. I can't really open up to anybody about this fully, and when I'm frozen, I come to fully appreciate the damage I've been doing myself with my typical negligence.. I can't even let out so much as a whimper. So how could I possibly fix this when my mind, too, is stagnant? It's like I'm being struck over and over again.. and I have no clue.. what to do. I can't even confide in my best friend about it. I feel like absolute crap, and my depression has been returning for weeks.. Suicidal thoughts again, but what can I do? The best choice is to pray and try to ignore it.. I think. Ugh. But what has happened when I didn't ask for help before? I'm not as strong as I like to convey myself as being... but what could anybody else possibly do to help? Won't I feel worse for saying anything, because I'd just be contributing negative to the environment? Am I even wanted or appreciated? Does it even matter what happens to me, or am I just another body?

...would it even matter if I died?
Would it matter if my struggle finally ended?
Is there even any point to it?

Have faith there's an answer you're just choosing not to see at the timebeing.

Truth is, I have one need; without it, I would cease to exist.. and that is to need. It's not really all that natural to me :(

When you start to fear dying, you've started to fear living.

n tting go of the future, you have nothing you will never see. We know the past never did last, so why should we expect differently?

n ything any more than another, have faith in the things that have never changed, because even if it's true we only truly knew nothing; if it is inevitable

n the pain you may in one instance learn, the present is forever evolving. "Memories tell us that it has not ALWAYS been."
If you are to have faith in an

n at all we could know is knowing, and choose not to cause unnecessary pain to yourself by pursuing the impossible.. Rest easy in the understanding that in

n ully die, if you want to find peace in this lifetime, you must embrace the process. For it is all we could ever know in a state of being. Daesin. Know th

n If you live to die, what is the point of continuing to push through the enduring moment's pain? If you want to successfully live, if you want to successf

Well..

Now I remember why I had become your friend.. I saw you walking down a path that would hurt both yourself and the people around you much more than you wanted. I didn't know you very well then, but I understood why you were where you were. What I didn't count on was you pulling me in with you, but I suppose it's necessary.. just please, don't take me too far under. I can only hold my breath for so long...

I love my friends... Sorry D;

I've been thinking about it a lot lately.. How I've undergone a constant cycle of self-denail.. Becoming just attached enough to this illusion so that I don't just.. die. Am I truly so scared to lose attachments after I establish them? Is that it?

I keep trying to limit myself in ways I'm not truly limited.. I do that to more firmly establish my sense of identity, but is it because it's too overwhelming for me if I wasn't just "myself"? How could I make decisions that way, I guess.. and that could cause anxiety.

It's actually not as hard as I would like to believe it is to completely revert back into another form, but I think that's the problem.. I'm way too adaptable.. to the point that I can't tell which way feels best to me personally.

Tonight I will do some soul searching,regardless of the potential risks.

waratte ita boku no yowa wo abaita

I know I will always care about you, even if everybody else drops of the end of the planet.
Remember how I asked you what you thought would happen if you spoke softly?
When you responded that the ones who truly cared would listen, and I proceded to ask why you continue to speak loudly, if you understood that?

I know it's the understanding that few would hear you, and fewer would care what you have to say.
I know it's because you're scared that people care a lot less about you than you need.
I know it's because you're afraid people don't need you, maybe that they won't be there for you.
I know what it means to fear being worthless..

"Please, it doesn't grieve.
Even if the world doesn't permit you, I permit you.

Please, it doesn't grieve.
Even if you do not permit the world, I permit you.

Therefore, please teach.
When you do very, could you permit me?"

No matter what, even if you hate me, even if there was nobody, please at least have faith in me that I will always be here to listen, and even though I have trouble trusting people, even though it scares the crap out of me to allow myself to need somebody, I'm allowing myself to trust you, and that means I'll never not care again..

The main reason I care about you so much is because you're like me in ways I haven't even found a way to explain yet. I identify with you.

It's hard to describe the pain I feel when I know what it's like to have nobody respond when you do finally take the risk of speaking softly. For many years, I received no response. I found again and again the people who mattered most to me didn't care about me at all.. and so I grew wary of people. I told myself I didn't need people, and decided to try my best to become independent, and self-reliant,because people were inconsistent, and they couldn't be trusted to not destroy me if I put my faith in them. All love meant to me was pain, because I had no understanding that there was a better definition to be learned, so I mistrusted that, as well.

I didn't think I was hurt, either.. being hurt was to need, and if I admitted I had needs, then I would have to admit.. that the pain was mine, and that was unbearable.

..and you know, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm SO wrong, and maybe we don't have much in common, and maybe.. I'm just defective. Maybe I'm in denail. Maybe I am alone in this, and maybe you truly don't need me in any respect, making me nothing more than a burden to you. Maybe all I ever was is a burden, but this burden still cares about you more than it could ever describe and if you ever needed me, I would still be here. If you didn't need me, I'll still be here.. and if you don't want to talk to me, I'm still here. Even if I didn't need you, I would care about you, and it would kill me slowly to put you through the exact same things I went through, so because I am learning to not fear being weak, I choose to need you.

Even if nobody else cared about you, I would care about you.
Even if you had nobody else, you would have me.
Even if you have none, I will have needs.
And even if it kills me, I will still love you.

My biggest fear right now is that I'm not enough.
(a secret part of me is dying)