Nobody would guess the lens through which I view this world. Nobody could see when I am so far down the ground looks like heaven.. But this is my fault. It is my own incompetence that leaves me mute.

Noir

I feel so chill right now.. I can look at the wonder and wonder.. why must everything be made so complicated with hate and love, and the pitiful intricacies.. I just would lie here and feel..

It's nice. This is why I had a conversation with somebody who was high and could relate. Except I'm not on chemicals when I feel this way.... I just am high off of the happiness life has to offer me so naturally. I love love love love love love...

I am confused and frustrated.. I'm confused about who I should be frustrated with and why I am.. I'm confused about the emotions I feel towards certain people and what reasons I try to give to explain them within my mind. I'm soooo confused,but at least I'm not confused about who I am.

When a "sorry" sounds so empty..

dered a sin. It's a double-edge.. You betray others and yourself.

nce directed towards those I percieve to be in greater need of life,liberty,happiness,and salvation. This,I have come to understand,is why pride is consi

d to help those less fortunate than me. I'll try to remember that maintenance of my own health and sanity isn't the equivalent to selfishness and neglige

under strain.. But.. They're human. I'M human. I keep forgetting that I need to care for myself,too. If I don't and I die as a result,then I am disallowe

idn't value my body and health,physically. It's so weird to be limited and restrained by such a cage, I disregarded it because I didn't care if it broke

em to the same standards I hold myself.. I was seriously injured,not to mention I could have died or something,because of my stupid decisions.. But.. I d

t even breathe.. My intent behind these things was to lead by example and gain respect,but it appears that the message was misunderstood. I don't hold th

se they were so directly a result of my pride..
Passing out then immediately marching, marching after I was sick from dehydration,marching when I couldn'

ed a lower score compared to having to witness him during a heart attack tomorrow midshow..
I think that in the past,my decisions I made we idiotic becau

t the parade,and I told him today that nobody would be upset if he didn't march at the competition. It's much more important that he rested and we reciev

ot a good combo if you ask me >_<;)... Was not fairing so well after the partial run-through of our fieldshow during half-time. The same thing happened a

The sad thing about tonight is that one of my friends who has high blood pressure with a simultaneously comorbid inclination towards low blood-sugar.. (n

the many shades of gray are more intriguing than all else. Bright colors,though visually attractive,are mainstream. I'll look beyond.Beauty in subtlety

. They relate as they discourage and despise any veering towards acceptance of an opposite but equally valid idea. Real life is not extreme.. And I think

quiring nature for the sake of preserving this quota of "purity" as imposed by higher ups and different religious leaders;dictatorship,tyranny,hypocracy.

y ways,but I give myself the power to choose a preference. I'm not a spectator who is materialistic and corrupt in the sense that I would sacrafice my in

he best. I believe mine is more gratifying because in the search for truth,I learn the ways that I was mislead and naive. I learn to see the world in man

immature and haven't discovered that their way is,in the end,the best method."..and you know what? I still haven't come to believe their perspective is t

best lesson they learned was not to live life without complicating it through attempting to interpret.. Maybe nothing has any meaning. Maybe you're just

,"People say you are gifted,and that you are so far beyond them intellectually,but.. They've spent the same amount of time here.. So how do you know the

ach this illusory "end"? Why do I want to know? Sometimes I feel like.. I'm the laughingstock of the world. When I was younger,I often used to ask myself

will have nothing left to learn..
With this thought,I wonder..
if there would be nothing to learn inevitably,than for what reason do I press myself to re

Not when I feel this way. I want to remain untouched,though time will move us along as it never ceases,except within our perception. When time stops,we

fort and peace in the midst of chaos.. That's so completely a blessing that in this moment,I couldn't think of a single addition I would make to my life.

be grateful for,like my life as it is,and even though the sickness may be multiplying and we're all destined to die at some point, I am able to have com

than when I am surrounded by friends. That is something my household cannot offer..

My ears are ringing and I'm thinking about all the things I should

Home turf.. Literally. The game is over,and while the scoreboard marked us as being "away",never do I feel a higher sense of belonging and purposefulness

And I'm a bit more level again compared to yesterday,though I have no idea how long this mirage of normalcy will be endured. I can't really complain,can I? I still know that pain is better than feeling nothing,because when you feel nothing you're practically dead. This pain is a gentle reminder that it's not quite over yet.. That's how I know this isn't a dream. That's how I know to keep on... Sometimes.
Heh. It's not surprising so many writers,artists,musicians,actors,and geniuses are bipolar,is it? With such an epic battle just below the surface,we learn as much as possible with the hope of using that knowledge in order to somehow facillitate it. No such luck in half of the contendors,it seems.
Statistics,statistics.. People wonder why I am so sceptical and reluctant to rely upon them.. Well if I did,then I would have no hope. They are not at all in my favor. Considering everything,it appears they never were. Perhaps I'm just your ordinary fool;an idiot fighting fate. Or.. Maybe I was put in this position with a greater purpose.. With the assumption that I would surpass these obstacles and use the tales of my tribulations to enlighten others with the truths I had gained throughout my journey. I cannot deny what lies before me. I can't deny what is. I think,therefore I am. And you know what this fool has always said: we will make a connection when none exists simply to have peace of mind. I won't fight the beliefs I have,but I will reform them if I notice a flaw in my doctrine.

God,I'll pray yet again today and wonder out loud why you have placed me in a hole again and punished me for following my heart;the very thing you held so high as being your creation and advocated by example as being the thing I should follow? I love so much but ultimately I end up getting hurt so much worse than those who surround me. While it's a potent tool that I couldn't live without,its effectiveness I do sometimes doubt and it leaves me powerless when it climbs to my throat,leaving me in a state of weakness so that I can't even begin to shout as I feel the stabbing pains.. I don't even know from where the originate,but I promised you I'd do whatever you'd need,and become who you wanted me to be.. So here I am,left suffering and alone,always dying for you with no promise that any of this was true besides memories in which I once resided, yet can't presently be applied to the here now in which I'm left drowning.
Can there even be peace without war?

Just another day in paradise...

My... Head... f***. And depression strikes again. Too many things are happening.. Too much. Everything is too much for me right now... I just want to curl up and die. It's not normal depression,no.. It's a mixed episode because I simultaneously want to run out the window and jump in front of a train.. If I am depressed at school,what the hell can I do? With Andrew walking with me after 1st,if I take off suddenly that'd be weird,if I say nothing,that'd be really obvious,and there's no way I could just say I'm fine. Not even. As for saying the truth.. What could he even say? What could ANYBODY say?
*insert awkward silence here* "oh.... I hope you feel bett...
awkward silence here* "oh.... I hope you feel better........."
.......................................does not want. I want to get the hell out of my to somebody put me out of my misery already??? I've...
only been asking for years.... And in a way,I am a veteran of this internal war that is all too real,yet truly I only survived the battle. Though the wa...
et truly I only survived the battle. Though the war has yet to claim me.. I've tried to kill myself so many times that I'm probably dead,anyways.. This is all probably fake. This pain feels so real,though <\3

Ughhhhhh

I want to die,I want to die,I want to be dead,I want to be shot in the head...
shot in the f***ing head right now. The memories keep echoing and..no more. I don't want this anymore... It hurts so bad... Surely death should seem more sound.
this,writing isn't helping.
echo my thoughts,echo my soul,repetitive misery,a redundant hole.
let me out of this cage
that seems to be symbolic
of your supressed rage
for which I'm held accountable
the pain fuels my uselessness
I will never get used to this
and I doubt when I die
would I truly be missed
and the scars that some
would have on the wrists
faded from your eyes
yet they don't cease to exist
.UPS .AnD. _downs_I want to be in one place
not wasting my time
occupying multiple spaces
defying the laws of physics
but my mind won't let me
sleep like another,so soundly
and whatever words I cry
are so empty,no purpose to try
I might as well die..
if this pain take from me reason
then what force am I left with?
no longer would it be an act of treason
to aim to find the answer the one way I could
nobody would know the words
that I refuse to speak
you may think it's utterly absurd
but I'm glad...

..you don't know.

The teardrops... Sting my face.. I want to collapse inward..to be anywhere else but here. To be dead.....

We almost had another housefire,guys.. Well,we did. But luckily we caught the perpatrator. A couple dry potatoes and a microwave set for 20 minutes. Lmao

Some people are so concerned with doing what's best for their own needs,others for what would make people like or resect them to be secure within themselves,and others for the sake of self-righteousness. In the end,they're all selfish,but the later is best at bullshitting the reasons for their doing things and trying to make it appear it is for "the greater good";whatever the hell that is. I'm in the last classification. Like when my friends hassle each other to conform and ask for me to join in the peer pressure band wagon,I refuse because I don't like pressuring people into doing things that contradict their beliefs,even if they're "wrong". There's something to be learned from everybody,there.. Still,I think it's best I mask my emotions for the sake of not biasing others unduly. I step in only when there is a problem.. Sometimes this has its pitfalls,though.. For example,when I feel a certain way about something or someone,but I can't admit why because otherwise... It would bias somebody's decision making process because of their tendency to prevent another's anguish. I end up getting hurt for not saying anything,and miss out on opportunities,but oh well. That's the sacrifice I signed for. Maybe one day they'll understand. Maybe not. Either way,there's satisfaction within my own heart that this pain is with purpose. I am a slowly dying martyr,only for the sake of promoting love and understanding while subduing hatred. I'm willing to suffer for that for a lifetime,easily.

Wow,I have *got* to try to stay more positive. If I let things get to me so easily,there is no way I'm going to survive this world..
...I haven't even gotten to the difficult part yet. Heaven forbid.....

Sometimes I wish people could truly understand what it's like to feel the things I do,but then I know that in order to do that,they would have to actually have to feel it themselves,and I really wouldn't wish that on anyone. Some people have trouble believing that I honestly have a neuro-chemical imbalance that could affect me to this extent,but to those people: if you don't believe this is something beyond a human's control,and you doubt chemicals can manipulate your mood and the way you think,or even that anti-depressants are for people who complain to much.. Go take a bunch of Ecstasy or Amphetamines,then tell me mood is something you control through pure willpower. Better yet,talk to me on the comedown. I'm sure that then we may be able to see things a little more eye-to-eye.

hell am I still alive,and why am I not doing something about it now?

pain,and the visions of abandonment." my thoughts... A small amount. Enough for any given second of seclusion :( I've almost died soo many times. Why the

eless to everyone,and if everybody isn't disgusted with you like you are,they will be,and leave. Then,when you die,all you will have are the memories of

when really,that answer is just what you needed..? You know what you need is something you will never truly get,life won't treat you any fairer,you're us

Why live in a world where when people ask 'How are you?',they hear what they want to,or don't know how to respond to the truth they never wanted to hear,

ld you bother to live when this suffering never really was just your problem,and you can't even look people in the eye anymore when you say you're okay?

y. Why would you live when you're only bound to let them down because they can't pick you back up off the ground as they believe friends should? Why shou

uccessfully,then leaves you in omnipresent despair. "Why should you bother living,"you wonder,"when by doing so,you cause people inconvience everpresentl

and the only reasonable thing to do is die. All the while you live,your mind argues with every semi-hoperidden thought that is brave enough to be heard,s

e;your perception constantly shifts with such frequency that everything becomes obscure and abstract. During depression,optimism is a farfetched concept,

guarantee with each high is that you will fall lower and harder than you ever had before... Life is an illusion in the sense that it never stays concret

"You say these things,they go away;but they never do."

Very few people can truly understand the complexity of something like bipolar disorder.. The only

that in the end,it will all be worth it. As of yet, I still have faith~

f you're not the one to go back on your word,and I accept this now with that fact in mind. There are risks,but this is a necessary sacrifice.. Let's pray

rung of social ladder.. One I know better than to trigger. Now that I have been validated, I can't back out. Commitments are harder,and may bring pain i

have I saved,and how many would fall into shambles if I submitted to the allure of hypocrisy? It's a very unfortunate chain of events to remove only one

,I know I have responsibilities and a commitment to the people in this world whose lives would have long ago collapsed without my support. How many lives

se to everybody if I was no longer there?
..It's actually not that hard to understand,taking into consideration what facts I chose to ignore. Now,though

series of events,I made it. Anybody who knows in full what things I had been through would understand just how lucky I am to be alive. I was selfish,in

retrospect,but selfless in not so obvious ways that were very apparent at the time,yet..How could I have thought that ultimately,I would have been more u

all through. Life is like that;I suppose I need to just roll with the punches again :/
Two years ago I was certain I would be dead today, and by a lucky

do without them? T.T Doesn't make sense to realise now that I've become so stable,the carpet will soon be pulled from under my feet and the floor will f

h,and how my past had been. I really,truly,love these people <3 I'm so grateful they're in my lives.. No clue what I'd do without them. Ow. What *will* I

t.. Like the people I surround myself with now,who except me as is :)
I have friends who enable me to laugh and feel so normally despite what I go throug

o do,but still..

It may be because of the workout I get through band,and additional serotonin being released as a result,but I think it's more than tha

It's kind of strange how I've been so happy lately.. Odd.. Usually I'm all over the place;or maybe I'm just forgetting the periods of sadness as I tend t

things that is a bit funny to me is how these thoughts constantly circle and swirl throughout my head, and in this strangely posed answer,there was neve

spent our energy on different phases,though perhaps at different times,places,and paces..
Isn't that strange?
I,too,am strange.. And aren't we all?

The

lose to death. I have dabbled my toes into murky waters,and to many this would remain unknown,and thus,something I may need to show them...Because for so

ce;that word would go hand-in-hand with ignorance,as in being one,you may very well be the other,because we are all uninformed one in the same as we have

that I am merely a fool in a foolish world. There is no lesson to be learned,and ultimately my endeavours will be fruitless.. Yet,before I have come so c

me,the lessons stretch beyond you and I,and I can't hope to change that as we will find significance in what we do.

Intelligence,intelligence,intelligen

arner.. All the while I bother to learn to give it up.. The greatest argument to philosophy:"Don't we all give it up?"

There is this persistent feeling

t of humanities debt,so I wonder why I try besides to lessen that burden..

And still,I sit here alone,ponder what worth my achievements would merrit. Wo

ost,the lesson learned for that sole cost would carry beyond the value of words. I'm so eager to throw my life away to be the lesson as opposed to the le

uld the results bring about a source of merriment? When the picture is finally painted,will I see beauty in my creation,or will it inevitably be a souce

of disgust;the very root of my own mistrust.

Still the love within me is like that of the martyr,the albatross,and while a solitary life may have been l

s I have been blessed with, that others had died to enable me to partake in. The sacrafices I have made.. I can't expect them to counterbalance the weigh

ells,but it is wasted on have-nots and faults the void would whisper. What about the things I have...?

..like my amazing friends.. Like the opportunitie

Sometimes I sit here alone at night when I'm not quite ready to sleep,and the silence becomes my apparent companion. Inside my heart,this wave of love sw

r a question,but a purely conditional assumption. This is the flaw of our limited perception.

..the words you can only watch me speak;falling deaf ears

things that is a bit funny to me is how these thoughts constantly circle and swirl throughout my head, and in this strangely posed answer,there was neve

spent our energy on different phases,though perhaps at different times,places,and paces..
Isn't that strange?
I,too,am strange.. And aren't we all?

The

ce;that word would go hand-in-hand with ignorance,as in being one,you may very well be the other,because we are all uninformed one in the same as we have

me,the lessons stretch beyond you and I,and I can't hope to change that as we will find significance in what we do.

Intelligence,intelligence,intelligen

lose to death. I have dabbled my toes into murky waters,and to many this would remain unknown,and thus,something I may need to show them...Because for so

that I am merely a fool in a foolish world. There is no lesson to be learned,and ultimately my endeavours will be fruitless.. Yet,before I have come so c

arner.. All the while I bother to learn to give it up.. The greatest argument to philosophy:"Don't we all give it up?"

There is this persistent feeling

ost,the lesson learned for that sole cost would carry beyond the value of words. I'm so eager to throw my life away to be the lesson as opposed to the le

of disgust;the very root of my own mistrust.

Still the love within me is like that of the martyr,the albatross,and while a solitary life may have been l

uld the results bring about a source of merriment? When the picture is finally painted,will I see beauty in my creation,or will it inevitably be a souce

t of humanities debt,so I wonder why I try besides to lessen that burden..

And still,I sit here alone,ponder what worth my achievements would merrit. Wo

s I have been blessed with, that others had died to enable me to partake in. The sacrafices I have made.. I can't expect them to counterbalance the weigh

ells,but it is wasted on have-nots and faults the void would whisper. What about the things I have...?

..like my amazing friends.. Like the opportunitie

Sometimes I sit here alone at night when I'm not quite ready to sleep,and the silence becomes my apparent companion. Inside my heart,this wave of love sw

Second...we lost...by one-half of a point......! Grr.

I went to therapy for the first time in my life today. It was quite interesting,actually..

My therapist and I were discussing various things,but what I really hadn't anticipated was being hit by such a wall of emotions at this early of a point. In that room, I felt as if everything I had been holding in was on the verge of spillin out anyway,despite the effort I had made to maintain my composure,but what we hit a particular topic..... Him.....

I should've know at that point it would be over,and whatever impression I had tried to give of being a strongminded individual would disappate with my pride. I cried tonight,more than I had cried in a long time,and there will be no hiding, from this point out, the way my emotions toward that situation still do have their hold on me. But we agreed to figure out a way to work through those painful things,and for once,I believe that perhaps the outlook will not be so bleak.

I.. For once am at a loss for words... I'm.. So mixed up inside. My friends need me more than ever,and everybody is depending on me,too,yet.. Nobody could know the type of things I'm dealing with in my mind and heart every night;every single moment when I am left alone,I feel my spirit breaking all over again.. But I can't utter one single word for these empty feelings. I have not the strength to validate -no,reinforce what is true. I look at my friend so sad,and I try to help her,but what can I do when I cannot look her in the eyes when I say everything is going to be okay? What can I do to help her when I am never sure what I can do to help myself..? I'm a bloody hypocritic,damned either way. I don't even know if I'm going to be okay this time,either.. By a stroke of luck I've managed somehow,thusfar.. And every second those same old thoughts persist in gaining some hold of me,so it's a constant war. My war in solitary confinement. I'm screaming out silently with the wish someone could hear my thoughts.. But no one ever will. Can you imagine the frustration? The frustration with not only the situation,but especially with myself.. Who would guess? Even if they could,who would care? Who could really afford to?

I wonder if it's because my dopamine levels are down because of yesterday,but I do feel particularly suicidal today >_>... Dunno why,barely care more than wanting this feeling to stop. At other times like these, I have taken action,and who knows what will happen today.

God, I won't venture to say you've forsaken me,but it hurts so bad... To live. My head hurts because of my thoughts,and I feel so lonely and lost..... Please let my suffering be worth it. That's all I ask. I'll take it upon myself as long as need be,but please somehow continue to guide me along so I can know I have a purpose.... Please let me hear the thoughts by which I am being swayed..
Amen.

You never know when your life is going to end,or when your heart may simply stop.. I have to do the things I would if I knew I were going to die soon. For all I know,we all have the same terminal illness
-it's called "humanity".

Where's my head?
Not to make it so that everything I say is pessimistic,but lately I feel more and more like I'm directly in the line of losing it completely. Before I was fine,but I have no idea what to think now. Everything around me is changing at such a rate, I must have been a fool to hope to remain the same. How in the world am I going to survive without my friends??
.;':..(.*~__~)