I couldn't find my pencil, so I'm just writing to my blog. It's sad how people don't realize that there aren't that many things that make us that different from each other. We can all look and see pieces of ourselves in other individuals, and there are more similarities between us than differences. I can look at all the people on this video in psychology, and it's easy to identify. I.. don't know if I need medications or not, but I look at all the things have happened in the past when I was excersizing sobriety.. The risk is not worth it. But then what am I risking by gaining dependency on an external chemical substance. I can understand frustration caused by the feeling that people aren't listening.. You know what you're trying to tell them, and it's important. Ew, on the video, the parents institutionalized their child. That's horrible. There's such a stigma attached to that.. I wonder if I excercise this stigma to myself. I assume.. That I probably do.

It's the weirdest thing ever how when I first started composing a piece of music it was requiem for a dream.. Reincarnation of the original composer or something? No joke, it was oddd.. And strangely cool when I found out.

I lied to her. My mom. "I can't handle it if you're doing that!" she pleaded. I denied the truth, out of courtousy. In honesty, I have been self harming again, but I couldn't bar telling her. With a line like what she had given me, what was I supposed to say? "Um, hate to break it to you but.." ..yeah, right. As if I can just say it. As if I could admit it to her before admitting to myself that I'm totally screwed over. I need help, but I can't ask. I feel like I've completely lost it all. My mind, my truth, my control.. Everything. I don't know what's going to happen. If I want to live, I should turn myself in now.. But I don't know what I want, so nothing will happen, and fate will take its course. I'm so fucked. Hahaha... Everything is changing inside me and all around and I'm unsteady, obviously. In a flurried frenzy, pain would be nothing. I wouldn't know what hit me, even if I struck the blow upon myself. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
I really have nobody right now. No one knows me and it's dangerous. I'm just waiting for the universe to spontaneously implode now. Gar. Live hard, die fast;this was my choice. Or was it? Have I ever really chosen anything? Bring on the next break in reality.

I am so out of it today. I woke up several times last night to various nightmares, crying, with suicidal ideas whispering in my ear. If I don't regain control by tonight, I may be found staggering erratically to the nearest set of train tracks, and lay down a final time to end my nightmares and daydreaming that has never ceased to be, it seems. I need to repent for the source of all my agony and remorse.. Him. I'm sorrier than he may ever know, and sadly, he may barely afford to muster any empathy. That's only my loss though.. Only mine. My memories of the past flood my mind today and push me towards an end. All of it is unbearable, and my tolerance has subsequently dwindled down, leaving me with a tasteless version of reality, devoid of hope and passion. My woe, to the rest, shall remain unknown, as I conceal any hints my heart tries to utter.

op, and we remain unaware. Too distant a concept to grasp, it stays. We are the children;a product of a twisted play. We cry for the control we never had

rceded by the underlying facts we have thusfar headed. We don't want to hear how tomorrow inevitably brings death and despair. So today is replayed on lo

ing, because each accomplishment is granted with some degree of regret. Uncertanty gives us hope of tommorow. We are all fools.
We are doomed to be supe

ks. What we do know is quite enough. Silly are those of us who dare to question "Why?", instead of accepting the indefinite; The unknown! I wish for noth

eaves us distraught. Ignorance leaves us yearning for the void of things we don't know we're learning. New extremes meet us every day,but we turn our bac

lost now. We are only a product of perception. Truth lies beyond the surface. Opinions and fallacy escape from the cracks of the grand scheme. Insight l

an evokes equillibrium. Mean produces the present awareness. We always contemplate something which, in the end, amounts to absolutely nothing. I, we, are

e too many sudden drops, and I plunge into instabilty among stability. The unexpected becomes expected, and when it does not occur, all hell arises. Medi

m not but a victim of fate. I care not where I walk, but I walk aimlessly and then find my purpose. I fear all but constancy and continuity. But there ar

l but gray. Shadows loom on the boundaries and are clawing at my ankles, while light beams aim to let me evaporate. Both paths lead me somewhere, and I a

ty. I lie in the place between a new dawn and an eclipse of the sun. Twilight plexus visited far too frequently. Middle land, and there is nothing to fee

ne left to blame. Barren wastelands cleared by disease of the soul that molds the mind. Nowhere but emptiness to turn to.. Dissapating. Manifested toxidi

of me wanting to spill my blood and end all unrest for everything and everyone. Everything glows blue in the midst of a hurricane's turmoil. There's no o

ld. There are too many things to do, and I don't know where to begin. God, help me, I've lost all sense of direction. Everything condenses into the form

I need to just get my thoughts down. Everything is jumbled and mixed up in my head, and my dam of emotion is damn well overdue to break and flood the wor

(yesterday)
I'm at Great America, and frankly, I feel kinda down. I'm tired, but at least I don't feel sick right now. Waiting in line takes forever, and I find myself not caring about anything. Meh. Wondering still if I'm going to die today.