I just realized..

I've always known how to meditate.

I think it must be strange, considering so many people have to practice for a long time just to clear their mind. I remember staring out the window and enjoying the blankness of my mind, and the way everything felt in the moment not wanting it to change for anything. I was just staring. Not thinking, not moving; just staring. I was staring without seeing. I tuned out everything else. I remember that one of the specific times in my memory I was seven. I focused on a plastic piece of food, and nothing could break the concentration of my intent focus on doing nothing but letting my mind remain blank and at the same time absorbing the situation.. Somebody would swipe their hand across my face, yet it didn't matter. The very idea of object permance was gone, along with the rest of my thoughts. There was only me and the object of my focus. That was my world for those moments that stretched on for an eternity. When I meditate, I lose all sense of time. My soul is suspended in a seperate dimension. Most people, I believe, have never been there. Most, I believe, never will. I am a natural, and this leads me to reckon I must have an inclination of some sort. I do have an obsession with altered states of conciousness, and paying visit to different and distinct realities. I've always had an obsession with the prospect of religion and philosophy. Maybe one day it will lead me somewhere special. It is my hope, and it is my dream(literally). I worry, though, that because of I have been placed in a state of genetic predisposition, I may not be able to accept the authenticity of any given experience at face value. Not truly..
Despite this, I'll keep trying. I'll keep practicing. Maybe I'll finally lose the world, and my biased sense of what this reality is.

Man, James; I will never take that boy for granted <3 I love him alot. And I know he loves me too. That's the best part. He'll always be near, even if he is physically far. He'll always be in my heart and memories. Love isn't a term to be thrown around loosely, either. Not in my opinion. He cares indefinitely;altruisticly. There's no ulterior motif. I trust him,and he does the same to me, so why does Maria.. Why does she have to show up and try to stir up trouble? What is this, charma? She's the old me, so what should I do? I can't help but worry, and James knows this,too. A "friend,"she calls herself,but she leaves us mentally weary. I guess we'll have to wait and learn how things will turn out.

It's all surreal..

The ways things happen.. they really leave me in a state of wonder. And I guess that it's pretty much the best way to describe it through my eyes. I sit in my room as the sun sets.. I ponder everything that it took to get me here. It must have been alot. Alot for me to not just crumble today, as I would have before. Haha, imagery of a gingerbread cookie. Inside, that was the equivalent of my consistancy.But now I can just say "Oh well." and leave it at that, perfectly content. And for me to say that, it really did take alot. I feel inspired by the air around me today.. I can't take credit for the thoughts.. it seems like they were merely given to me by something above myself, beyond my understanding. I'm so happy now. I'm so happy..

I trust life to lead me along.

She finds it fun. This i know. She is a bruja, I am a curandera. i am a guerrero, combatting la loccura arising from the prospect of battle itself.

I don't know why it seems like time is the answer to everything. A moment ago it wasn't, and in the next moment, I know it won't be either. So why,right now, does it seem true? I guess time will tell.
..or not.

"Sad Little Bit of Irony"

I feel like I'm drowning
muffled screams do nothing
only a few fingers are left above the surface
once they go under,what once had been hope is gone forever
even while being weighted down by guilt,
and I swear I'm still trying to stay afloat,
others point,not for someone to save me
but to discuss how the situation was all my fault.

can somebody please explain to me exactly
what seeing this should make me think?
I start to believe that perhaps,actually,
it's funny for them to watch me sink.

in a strange way, I find it comforting
that they don't care if my life is lost..
yet if this is my final impression for the whole of humanity..
another statistic is gained to them,but I can only wonder at what cost.
The lack of oxygen may be catching me
but the saddest thing about this picture
is that even I,the victim,still know of empathy
and even in death, I am,for them,feeling pity

The saddest thing is.. even knowing those answers.. You can't always stop it, and once it hits you.....
that's it.
It hit me.

What they see,however, is different. They see a future that is doomed to worsen in ways yet to be concieved,and they couldn't dare to imagine...
Meh.
On another note, I believe many people write because they don't have faith that their actions will speak for themselves with the words they originally wished they would convey...... They try their hardest not to be misunderstood as being malicious and completely selfish with their writings by showing the reader many details in an attempt to assure themselves(the authors) that they weren't truly that way. Insecure; I admit that I am one of those writers. I always had done it on a subconcious level for that reason.. But I guess.. I failed in my purpose.

they can to avoid it,not even realizing that they were not only already in its wake, but at the climax,where things could only get better.

approaching again and succumb to the thought that its arrival is inevitable unless we find a way out of that set path, and some panic. They do whatever

during these periods of emotional akwardness, many have been seen to have committed suicide.. Especially among the bipolar population. We see depression

re,and it's easy to misunderstand as we each have given that word our own meaning depending on our own past. Then again, it could be considered a vice,as

y transitional periods between depression and being.. Not depressed.I won't exactly call it normal,since I'm not really sure what that means for me anymo

at the time.. It's really too much to ask. We're already tired,and it's like asking a beggar to spare some change. I guess I am lucky in the sense that m

nsity of thoughts influenced by darkness. Of course during depression off the top of our minds would we just dismiss any ideas going against our beliefs

s... It's simply rejected,not eternalized on any level. Maybe it's pushed into the subconcious,but even there it is overwhelmed by the magnitude and inte

y logic at the time.. And when something contradicts what we believe, unless we find reason within ourselves by the majority of our "concientious" belief

ea is still there,regardless. It's not that I don't want to be helped or told something,much less accept it so easily as it is told, but it contradicts m

ognition in that they can identify with it. Yeah, it's childish,but I don't believe it is at all an exaggeration. I may be doing it passively, but the id

d when they answer, I start again. But that explanation is all obviously in a figurative sense, and I'm sure the analogy can grant anybody a sense of rec