Too close..

Sara came WAY too close.. too fawking close,man. She almost caused me to fall apart :\ Dang her and her lies of friendship.. total lies.. the look of "sincerity" did not convince me,not for a moment,and I wouldn't give in to that to save my own life, she couldn't understand. Nobody could understand. Nobody WILL understand,because I won't give them the tools to,because I can't trust them.. because I don't trust myself... to not tear apart their hopes and aspirations,all on a whim :( I'm a menace.. and they don't even know the kinds of secrets I have. The kinds of things I am going through,that I didn't choose,but happen anyways.. nor could they understand how critical this situation is with me right now. These next few months,if not few weeks,if not few days,will be the most dangerous of my life. It's funny how I can say I'm FINE and get away with it because they have no clue what it really means. Fucked IN extreme. lolol. Apparently saying "I'm fine." is the #1 lie. >_> oh well. Can't quite bring myself to care.. If you could hear inside my head right now, it wouldn't be very pleasant. Suicidal obsessions yet again.. *sigh*

But how alive could I be in that single moment of irony?

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

obsessive thoughts,obsessive thoughts;
they will not leave me alone!
I think and I think and I know that I think,
but I know what I think I can't know.

Reflecting on times long past..

It's surprising. I always have this tendency to assume I was so different in the way I thought a year ago, but who I am hasn't really undergone so much of a transformation. In many ways, I believe I was more creative and more intensely driven by my aspirations, but now.. I don't know. I really don't know.

Every day that passes is a reminder that time is running out and I'm beginning to feel a little cornered. I've been dealing with some pretty horrible depression lately, if it wasn't apparent. Suicidal thoughts continually run through my head;I'm trying my best to ignore them,but in times of weakness.. I want to regress. Regress back into my most pitiful state of being... I want to die, I want to live, I want to not know, I want to know,I want time to stop,but to not be wherever "here" is.
I never would have imagined I could relate so well to others with these thoughts.. Not truly. Not in the way that I can. Not in the way that I am. Everybody needs somebody sometimes. I am not above it. I don't want a relationship.. I really could care less, but what I need is a friend. I need somebody to whom I am not a faceless entity.. and I think I've discovered somebody like that. Somebody who.. I'd much rather listen to and talk with and I really.. They're just amazing. I've had this nagging suspicion about this person for years..

..I should talk less. I could sympathize more.

I'm not gonna lie,it's hurts to try but I have to learn to depend on myself if I ever want to make it outside off hell's cell.

Balance

Is an interesting thing to strive to achieve. When you think about it,it's a sense of imbalance that gives our lives any meaning. I had a philosophical debate about it with Pat about it,actually,and in the end she lost an answer and I gained nothing. Oh well. Back to square one yet again..

It's really quite a shame I go completely dellusional from time to time.. Some of my ideas might have been brilliant if I knew I was being dellusional and could figure out just how I was doing it.. but my trains of thoughts are too faulty at times, I can't trust my judgement. What I lack is a sense of continuity of self.



"Selective-Encoding Insight- Involving one to distinguish what is important in a problem and what is irrelevant. (i.e. filter)
Selective-Comparison Insight- Identifying information by finding a connection between acquired knowledge and experience.
Selective-Combination Insight- Identifying a problem through understanding the different components and putting everything together."



The first one is mainly my problem.. It leads to pointless obsessions and overstimulation.






hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.........

How can I be at such a loss of words?

I'm the person who can write page after page about nothing,yet here I am,speechless and torn. Everything about this is all too familiar. I can only do what I can,anything beyond that is.. not in my control. Not something I would deny thinking about,but it's not my responsibility. I know where my heart is and I guess ultimately that's what matters,but.. I wish it didn't hurt this bad to give up control of my words;to know that nothing I could say would allow them to come across in a specific way.. the way I actually intend them to be recieved. Is it truly so hard to understand that there can exist something between extremes? Meh.. it did use to be for.. It was a long journey for me back then;one I'm still trailing through,and I'm not afraid of whatever the future may bring. Yet..


"I hope you're happy in the end...
I hope you're happy,my..friend...."

It is really starting to seem like life is a prolonged hyprasy. Everything occurs in circles and cycles,ultimately leading us back to base one. "If pain leads me from reason,then what force am I left with? No longer would it be an act of treason to find the answers the one way I could."I had said before,but perhaps the treason lies in the illusion of reason,or I see that there is reason in treason,both ideas being equally true,still leaving me with no proclaimed direction,but I don't control the fact that I move. Meh.

Sometimes I stop and ask myself "What the fuck are you doing?! Are you INSANE???" and then I realize I'm following my heart,acknowledging my emotions as being a part of me. This is my true self.. I'd gain nothing in denying it but an emptiness..one I'd come to know well in the past. It's so weird to think I would have screwed myself over at a time,but then it makes perfect sense logically.. If not doing so would have resulted in me remaining the same,I would never have moved past my skewed reality. It's been a long,weary roading.. Maybe I shouldn't feel proud,because to be myself considering how the fact that I had orchestrated my own demise before makes me doubley a perpetrator,but I do. I guess somebody else will have to codemn me :( This doesn't change the fact that I have peace knowing I did the best I could,and whatever happens in my life is beyond me. I'm ready for the next lesson,or possible consequence.

eality exists than the one I experience and I will learn to appreciate things how they are without making a comparison to another point in time.

love and truly submit to the idea that I know nothing(and that knowing nothing,I still know as much as anybody else).. I will not believe that a better r

y more correct or true than another and that real "truth" is whatever I choose to make it. I will not confuse the love of external reassurance as actual

mine are really a matter of opinion,and accepting that opinion is mine,regardless of how others may judge it. I will remember no judgement is technicall

t make sense to me,but I will seek to understand from where they originated. I will try not to impose my opinions on others,acknowledging what beliefs of

t and not my head,and to live for my heart with my heart as my head guides me in doing so. I will not devalue emotions or thoughts just because they don'

regardless of others' reactions,I will feel fulfilled within myself knowing I can only do my best at any given time. I promise to love myself for my hear

my past and present motivations,and ready to reform. I will learn to feel while I think and be in the moment simultaneously. I will learn to act so that,

nsight to know it was necessary to uncondition myself and draw the distinction between one thing or another,opinion or fact. Here I am now,very aware of

an awful price,yet I was too young to distinguish between pride,self-gratification,and self-love..even self-acceptance. The connection was made with no i

dencies and bouts of self-denail;the idea that if I wasn't one way,I would no longer be a valuable person. Commiting the sin of being prideful came with