I.. think I..

..may like him. It's probably too soon to tell, but there's a person in one of my classes who.. well, he was in such pain. His girlfriend broke up with him today and he was so depressed.. It hurt my heart as well. I knew what he was going through emotionally, and how he felt, and I guess that's probably what hurt the most. To know that one of my friends had to go through that.. so I wrote a letter. It was intended to be inspirational and touch his soul, and at LEAST to break through to him and let him know that he's cared for an deserves better, but I don't know how he's going to take it. All through class, I found myself staring at him. Thinking about him, how is was, how he is, and how I feel. How he made me feel, and why I feel this way after not feeling an emotion of another so strongly since.. him. He was wounded. They both were. I, also wounded, could see them. If I'm to be stuck like this, I'll at least try to make sure others aren't in the same dilemna. But he's polite. Polite, and in some ways mature. And I'm envious of his charisma and optimism. I guess I'll see what happens tomorrow..

On perspective..

It's interesting; the rate at which these thoughts are whirling through my head. My main frustration being that there is no way I can communicate them at the equivalent rate that they are being conjured. I know the research I'm doing- the thoughts I'm having, are well beyond my years. I look around and see people walking around with no apparent burdens, and others who catch my attention. I can read into their.. I guess what some would call auras.. and tell usually when something is bothering them, if they have a complex, and things like that. Many people find it easy to talk to me, and have told me so. I know now why I would become so frustrated and depressed. People would never see me the way that I can see them. They couldn't tell when something was wrong or if I was acting differently. I thought they were ignoring me. But.. now I know it's just because they genuinely couldn't tell.

~~~MY YOUTUBE COMMENTS~~~
"Just because I don't call myself "religious" doesn't mean I don't share some of the same values as you do. But I differ in opinion on some topics. Besides, your standards are what you make them. Who is to say one set of values are better than any other? No, I do not steal, do drugs, or anything like that. I don't lie, and I don't take pleasure in hurting people, but that does not make me religious. And not being religious does not, in turn, make me a bad person. Please try to understand this :\ "

"is this.. what you think any person who isn't religious is? There are so many people like me who lead happy, fullfilling lives and reach a state of complete harmony and equilibrium with their persona and environment without believing in god. I'm speaking as an agnostic. I am not cold; I am warmed through the love and caring I bring others and they return to me. I am not lonely, for my friends stand stongly by my side, accepting me for who I am. I am not unhappy; as I happily live with purpose "

"And I, finally, am not hopeless, as I look to the future with eager eyes, wide open and in detered in my pursuit of personal fulfillment. I look forward to the truth, with the hope that it will one day be known to me. Still a child, I am able to continue grasping the concept the my potential yields no limits. Nothing in the present is fixed, and I know I will always have the passion to burn on. There will always be more than judgement. So much more.."

"There is a quote: "Did God create man, or did man create God?" which refers to this idea. Not literal, of course. It's all about what we, personally, choose to believe. Everyone needs to just sit back and take the time to understand that there is really no "right or wrong", here. No "Good and Evil". In the eyes of an evil-doer, their deeds are good and the deeds of a good-doer are evil. So don't you see? Nobody, and EVERYBODY is wrong. it's all the same. Believe what you believe. peace, J.G."
~~~

Those are my opinions anyway. Why is it so hard to find people these days who care about these things and are in my age range..? Or even who are older. Generally, it's just hard to find people who care about the topic at all. It's sad. Is it because they think there is no answer, and just have accepted it? Or is it not a priority to them?

My parents were discussing how it's wrong that I don't dislike anybody, and it's a matter of immaturity.. But really? Does my incapacity for hatred make me immature, or does it make me pure? I realize people are the way they are for a reason, and I try to think that everything has purpose in my life. That is why I can't hate. If someone does something that hurts me, in the end it makes me a stronger, more mature individual. And for this, I thank them. All the annoying people in the world are also placed in my life with purpose, which is to test my self-control and patience. My life is a grand pursuit of knowledge. I search out the things most people wish not to know. I fear know truth, and believe nothing is better left unsaid, and I hold nothing against anybody. This may sound insensitive, but if I lost the most significant person in my life, I would call it a blessing. Not because I want to lose somebody, but because of the way it would effect me. If I lost EVERYTHING, I wouldn't be sad. There is a benifit from every thing that ever happens in your life. All these other things.. money, belongings, they're all superficial. There's more to life.. So long as I have my mind, I can't be broken. Nobody can take this from me.

Why is it that intelligence so often walks hand-in-hand with insanity? Maybe it's because some people are better at hiding their true self, and recognizing just what it is that crosses the line between sanity and becoming eccentric. Some people just are not ready or mature enough to understand different perspectives, and some never will. I have defied the odds set against me, and will continue to previal in my quest of purpose. I know I need to step up and make a difference now, and take advantage of my youth and ability. One can never know when things will change. And maybe I am not special at all, but what sets me apart from others is my willingness to take the initiative to utilize my potential. Maybe I should start a seperate blog with the sole purpose of noting any discoveries or ideas I have chanced upon in my mind. I've always had this sense that I am meant for something big.. something great. Call it grandiose thinking. Maybe it is, but it is irrelevant. I will become accomplished. I will reach self-actualization! Even if it means surpassing the limits perscribed to me.

My main problem is that I have no idea where to begin. I have the answers, but a lack of questions. So much information but.. no obvious use... hmm.. okay, let's try the topic of Nature Vs. Nuture

Nature Vs. Nuture

I believe these both have a significant influence on the developement of personality. Nature determines our physical make-up, while environment sets a sense of drive. If people in the surrounding environent are less motivated, then the person, unless exposed to some outside ideology, is more inclined to take on that type of attribute. People are all quite individualistic, for the most part; however, it is much easier to follow a preset way of acting and etc. as we take on a sense of security in groups. It makes many people uncomfortable to stand on the opposing side of a majority. And because of this, there is a fear of non-conformity, even because of societies stress on the importance of material values. But at the same time, we each have the ability to step up and disagree with something if we feel a strong enough dissonance in our way of living. We, as humans, generally don't like to be wrong or be disproved, so we like to assume we are wrong when contradicted by a majority. The way nature plays into this is because people discriminate or treat people differently, stereotyping based on genetic dispositions and reputations. For example, the black population may be given different expectations from the eyes of society based on racial discrimination or generalization, and after being told they are less likely to suceed, may feel less confident in their abilities and accept the stereotype instead of fighting against it. Yet other disagree so strongly with the stereotype that they do everything in their power to overcome it, and try to help others understand that it's something they shouldn't accept. I am an adopted caucasian child into a racially mixed family. Each member is of a different race. I know if I was not born white, I would be presented with a different environment and be treated differently by peers, and even fit in to a different social clique, holding true to different values and standards. But at the same time, if I wasn't a part of my family, I would also have a different group of friends, and be a completely different person. Even though I disagree with my family on many issues, it was in that environment I learned to disagree. I learned at young age that people are different, maybe because of our different biological features. I discovered that much in the way our skin was different, our minds we different as well. Even if we grew up in the same home, the way we each responded to different situations was unique. Because of what we experienced in our mind, and in our environment, we made different decisions. As long as I have been able to, I have tried to look at as many different perspectives as possible. Though some of them had similarities, there are none that are exactly the same. No two people are the same and can agree with each other on every single topic. It's just the way we are.
~~~
I felt I should interject here to mention I am not conciously thinking anymore. If I'm being repetitive or unlogical, I apologize. The point of this now is to realize where my altered state of conciousness carries me. Everything I type is more of a matter of impulse and intuition. This happens sometimes, and afterwards, I fear to read just what it is I have written as I often think my writings are profound, only to discover that they are completely nonsensical. I am in an altered state of conciousness, but I am not under the influence.
~~

Maybe our biological conditions of disorders like depression and bipolar and etc. arise from the emotional stimulus. In otherwords, maybe a low level of serotonin is not the cause of depression, but depression is the cause of low serotonin, and depression is caused by our thoughts. And our train of thoughts is in turn influenced by the initial thought and where we choose to let it lead us. So maybe all a low level or serotonin indicates is the inclination to continue following a train of thought, or shows the path of thought we have chosen. Biological insight may just show what is going on in our mind, not determine what will happen in our mental processes.. Did anyone ever look into this? So maybe when people are experiencing mania, the brain does not first show symptoms, but we first walk down the road and begin to experience the symptoms, only for the brain to then reflect what it is we are currently experiencing. We don't vomit before we start to feel ill, we feel ill then we vomit. We have a sense that we are going to experience something and then it happens. Intuition. The placebo effect. We know before it happens. The thought arises, then the symptom. Because of our beliefs, how much we expect something to occur, it either does or doesn't. Think it will happen, and it very likely will. Think it happened, and it did. Doubt it happened, then it might have. Doubt give leeway to rationality. Without assuming, we leave room for possibilities, and the chance to rule out the least rational choice. But insanity is an extreme lack of doubt. Beliefs that are so fixed that no outside force can change them. And overbundance of confidence. This is why they say the first sign of insanity is denial, but then insanity isn't really insanity. It's just a mental rigidness.. It's not the inability to see another perspective, it's the choice to believe the one they do see. If I want to believe I was god, nobody but myself can disprove this idea. They can use any logic they want to disprove me, but I don't have to listen to them or even believe logic is real. I could believe this is all a dream, and people could preach it's not a dream every day for the rest of my life and I could ignore them and die thinking it was all a dream and no one could prove me wrong until after I'm "dead".
~~~
Right now I am treading a thin line. I recognize my thoughts are not using controlled logic, and very well could be(and probably are) blasphemy. But my willingness to doubt myself as opposed to simply running with a train of ideas, accepting them all as what must be truth is wearing thin. It's hard to keep two seperate senses of concious running simultaneously without one overshadowing the other. Or without losing yourself to the prevailing sense. It's exceedingly difficult... my lack of communicating my ideas is begining to wear me down. I don't even know why it's so taxing.......
~~~

It's been a nice day.

Despite an incredibly stressful weekend, I've had a great day today. I didn't get badgered in band (luckily) and was able to absorb the tranquil atmosphere. The first faces I encountered all wore solemn expressions and were surrounded by a downtrodden aura.. Seeing this in the mood I was in engaged my sympathy. Most reasoned that they were in that state due to sleep deprivation. In my mind I was left to think,"Yeah, I didn't sleep last night either....", but quickly corrected my train of thought to add in the factor that I'm bi-polar. Admittedly, I'm not completely sure if the reason I couldn't sleep last night was due to my medication or simply a state of mental agitation. Regardless, I was in the same boat in that sense.





Anyways, I got a sense that I was being overly enthusiastic in the eyes of some people, and quickly shied away from what I was saying. A energetic mood isn't always appreciated at 8am, 1st period. Both me and my friend A.E. exchanged shifty glances as we continued to observe the way personalities can be twisted because of a lack of sleep. I find myself growing more and more irritated towards those two particular people as their meagerly hidden double edged blade grows sharper and more pristine. I'm sure he has noticed this too; and by that I mean their changes. I could say I don't care, but it would be a lie. At times like this I have to step aside and just think about the general situation. Try to gain some sense of understanding and attempt to find some explanation as to why they have began acting this way. It's my speculation that, in much the same way as they have began to irritate me, some aspect to my behavior has irritated them.





On the opposite spectrum from difficulties in friendship..





I find myself growing closer to another one of my friends. I've found that we have more in common than we initially knew. I have long suspected that there was something about this person that set her apart from others.. and as for what that may be, I've yet to discover. I suppose there is this sense of mystery about her that evokes my curiosity. So then arises the question, "Why?". What is it, I wonder, that I am looking to learn? I want to know what that key is that gives her the feel. What is it that commonly draws me towards that type of person. I know she has problems. I know she has secrets.. And with this knowledge, I have a burning passion to uncover them. The mystery lies in people. The mind, and the sequence of patterns that are correlated with unexplainable occurrences.. There's a greater truth behind it all. There is a greater truth behind me, as well.





~~
J.G. says:
he refuses to do his hw, so my dad said no tv till it's done'
J.G. says:
and he says "I don't know how"
J.G.says:
and so they summon me
J.G. says:
so I am there and willing to help
J.G. says:
and he just say
J.G. says:
"She'll just argue"
J.G. says:
and him and my parents start to argue and I'm just sitting there.

J.G. says:
he just refuses to do it no matter what my parents tell him
J.G. says:
until he was punished for it, then he starts yelling. My mom starts reciting, "Don, I can't take this. I'm going to have to go in the other room, this is too much."
~~

This is what's happening now. I've become so accustomed to it that it doesn't even phase me anymore. So I just ignore it and continue to recluse into my room, hacking away at my keyboard. My sanctuary. Left alone with my print, in my hand the power to direct my flow of thought. To delete- baaaccckkkkssppppaaaaacceeeeee. To eliminate my mistakes, just like that. And to communicate the words as was always intended. It's like cheating, really. But it's so impersonal, it doesn't even matter. I've read two quotes that contradict each other. One stating that writers are erratic thinkers, while the other states writing is a form of organized thinking. I say that it must then be safe to assume it is dependent on the person writing and the state of mind. I don't conciously try to watch what I say usually, though I do when I'm in a perfectionist's mood. Mainly when I'm at risk of being judged. I feel only a little of such a pressure here. Still, there's that subconscious motive.. a small, unspoken fear. It's irrational and harasses and impedes my flow, telling me that they'll lable me a failure. Again. Will I ever be able to let that go?



As for other things..



Relationships-

Don't want one right now. I just don't. I don't like anyone that much, I don't want the physical aspect. I don't. I'm certain A.F.(not A.E.) likes me. I know S.H. likes me. C.T. prolly still likes me. I don't even CARE if anyone else likes me. I don't want to know.. I don't want to be with any of them. I just want to be left alone. My life is great how it is, I don't want change.Oh, can't forget J.S. He's got the most potential out of any of them right now, honestly. He's one person I know truly cares about me; probably more than anyone I've ever known. I just like being in relationships where I know the other will remain committed. After my dad.. the way he acts, and the things he did... yeah. I know how guys can be. Horrible. Sometimes I just want to be left alone.. So here I am. Alone and perfectly satisfied.



I find myself repeating that "It's okay, I'm used to it. I don't mind. etc.", but is it really? I can't know yet, but in the past when I questioned it I was left in a pit of depression. I will just accept the I feel okay, and that it doesn't bother me, and that I don't need to understand why in this case. It just is. No use for rationalizing.. I've been doing fine.



I wonder if my parents are as stupid as I think they are. Everybody has knowledge, but each individual choses how to put it to use. I don't doubt that they have been exposed to more things than I, especially since they've been around for at least 40 years longer. So how do they underestimate me so..? Why do they think the ways they do, and how much of their actions are based around denail? And how much do they truly know about who I am, my multiple masks, facades, and cherades? Do they pretend to be less intelligent and not utilize their true knowledge? If they knew..
~~
Wow. I totally just made a profound connection.

"Until two years ago, our world was primarily a 3D based reality.� It had three dimensions to it�time, space and form.� That gave us a world of polarity, duality, opposites�good or bad, black or white.� But recently, our world has opened up, adding new dimensions to our living reality.� Generally, we�ve moved from polarity into paradox�a space where all truths are true, where two apparent opposites can co-exist as exactly right and true at the same time.� As we learn to play in these new frequency ranges, we discover that every single thing that happens to us has multiple interpretations. �And every one of these interpretations is very likely true. �How could that be?�, we initially wonder.� But as we play with it, we discover the freedom to be, to expand and to connect with the potential of every situation rather than be in reaction to it."�


J.G. says:
that we each, after being exposed to the concept of multiple perspectives, are faced at forks in defining our opinions, and to make what we want out of any situation as it is neither good, nor bad, but both.
J.G. says:
both and neither
J.G. says:
are the same, not opposites oo

~~~~~~
Then follows a biiiiigggg long heated argument about the purpose of life. With S.H. of course. His mentality leads to depression, claiming the purpose of life is to reproduce, though I am having sucess in diffusing that "fact", as he put it.