It's been a nice day.

Despite an incredibly stressful weekend, I've had a great day today. I didn't get badgered in band (luckily) and was able to absorb the tranquil atmosphere. The first faces I encountered all wore solemn expressions and were surrounded by a downtrodden aura.. Seeing this in the mood I was in engaged my sympathy. Most reasoned that they were in that state due to sleep deprivation. In my mind I was left to think,"Yeah, I didn't sleep last night either....", but quickly corrected my train of thought to add in the factor that I'm bi-polar. Admittedly, I'm not completely sure if the reason I couldn't sleep last night was due to my medication or simply a state of mental agitation. Regardless, I was in the same boat in that sense.





Anyways, I got a sense that I was being overly enthusiastic in the eyes of some people, and quickly shied away from what I was saying. A energetic mood isn't always appreciated at 8am, 1st period. Both me and my friend A.E. exchanged shifty glances as we continued to observe the way personalities can be twisted because of a lack of sleep. I find myself growing more and more irritated towards those two particular people as their meagerly hidden double edged blade grows sharper and more pristine. I'm sure he has noticed this too; and by that I mean their changes. I could say I don't care, but it would be a lie. At times like this I have to step aside and just think about the general situation. Try to gain some sense of understanding and attempt to find some explanation as to why they have began acting this way. It's my speculation that, in much the same way as they have began to irritate me, some aspect to my behavior has irritated them.





On the opposite spectrum from difficulties in friendship..





I find myself growing closer to another one of my friends. I've found that we have more in common than we initially knew. I have long suspected that there was something about this person that set her apart from others.. and as for what that may be, I've yet to discover. I suppose there is this sense of mystery about her that evokes my curiosity. So then arises the question, "Why?". What is it, I wonder, that I am looking to learn? I want to know what that key is that gives her the feel. What is it that commonly draws me towards that type of person. I know she has problems. I know she has secrets.. And with this knowledge, I have a burning passion to uncover them. The mystery lies in people. The mind, and the sequence of patterns that are correlated with unexplainable occurrences.. There's a greater truth behind it all. There is a greater truth behind me, as well.





~~
J.G. says:
he refuses to do his hw, so my dad said no tv till it's done'
J.G. says:
and he says "I don't know how"
J.G.says:
and so they summon me
J.G. says:
so I am there and willing to help
J.G. says:
and he just say
J.G. says:
"She'll just argue"
J.G. says:
and him and my parents start to argue and I'm just sitting there.

J.G. says:
he just refuses to do it no matter what my parents tell him
J.G. says:
until he was punished for it, then he starts yelling. My mom starts reciting, "Don, I can't take this. I'm going to have to go in the other room, this is too much."
~~

This is what's happening now. I've become so accustomed to it that it doesn't even phase me anymore. So I just ignore it and continue to recluse into my room, hacking away at my keyboard. My sanctuary. Left alone with my print, in my hand the power to direct my flow of thought. To delete- baaaccckkkkssppppaaaaacceeeeee. To eliminate my mistakes, just like that. And to communicate the words as was always intended. It's like cheating, really. But it's so impersonal, it doesn't even matter. I've read two quotes that contradict each other. One stating that writers are erratic thinkers, while the other states writing is a form of organized thinking. I say that it must then be safe to assume it is dependent on the person writing and the state of mind. I don't conciously try to watch what I say usually, though I do when I'm in a perfectionist's mood. Mainly when I'm at risk of being judged. I feel only a little of such a pressure here. Still, there's that subconscious motive.. a small, unspoken fear. It's irrational and harasses and impedes my flow, telling me that they'll lable me a failure. Again. Will I ever be able to let that go?



As for other things..



Relationships-

Don't want one right now. I just don't. I don't like anyone that much, I don't want the physical aspect. I don't. I'm certain A.F.(not A.E.) likes me. I know S.H. likes me. C.T. prolly still likes me. I don't even CARE if anyone else likes me. I don't want to know.. I don't want to be with any of them. I just want to be left alone. My life is great how it is, I don't want change.Oh, can't forget J.S. He's got the most potential out of any of them right now, honestly. He's one person I know truly cares about me; probably more than anyone I've ever known. I just like being in relationships where I know the other will remain committed. After my dad.. the way he acts, and the things he did... yeah. I know how guys can be. Horrible. Sometimes I just want to be left alone.. So here I am. Alone and perfectly satisfied.



I find myself repeating that "It's okay, I'm used to it. I don't mind. etc.", but is it really? I can't know yet, but in the past when I questioned it I was left in a pit of depression. I will just accept the I feel okay, and that it doesn't bother me, and that I don't need to understand why in this case. It just is. No use for rationalizing.. I've been doing fine.



I wonder if my parents are as stupid as I think they are. Everybody has knowledge, but each individual choses how to put it to use. I don't doubt that they have been exposed to more things than I, especially since they've been around for at least 40 years longer. So how do they underestimate me so..? Why do they think the ways they do, and how much of their actions are based around denail? And how much do they truly know about who I am, my multiple masks, facades, and cherades? Do they pretend to be less intelligent and not utilize their true knowledge? If they knew..
~~
Wow. I totally just made a profound connection.

"Until two years ago, our world was primarily a 3D based reality.� It had three dimensions to it�time, space and form.� That gave us a world of polarity, duality, opposites�good or bad, black or white.� But recently, our world has opened up, adding new dimensions to our living reality.� Generally, we�ve moved from polarity into paradox�a space where all truths are true, where two apparent opposites can co-exist as exactly right and true at the same time.� As we learn to play in these new frequency ranges, we discover that every single thing that happens to us has multiple interpretations. �And every one of these interpretations is very likely true. �How could that be?�, we initially wonder.� But as we play with it, we discover the freedom to be, to expand and to connect with the potential of every situation rather than be in reaction to it."�


J.G. says:
that we each, after being exposed to the concept of multiple perspectives, are faced at forks in defining our opinions, and to make what we want out of any situation as it is neither good, nor bad, but both.
J.G. says:
both and neither
J.G. says:
are the same, not opposites oo

~~~~~~
Then follows a biiiiigggg long heated argument about the purpose of life. With S.H. of course. His mentality leads to depression, claiming the purpose of life is to reproduce, though I am having sucess in diffusing that "fact", as he put it.