Holy shit. Reading this book "speak", or rather glancing through it, remind me of that time when I was molested. It was..last year.. Last school year. Omg. i.. It must've been supressed or something. Omg. I was so scared at the time I couldn't yell.. Couldn't do anthing. i was paralyzed.. And I still wonder whetherr it was me fault. I mean, *he* said it msut have been for not saying anything, but he also didn't want to believe it because the person who did it was his friend..... But it was the goddamn truth. That... THAT was the final thing that pushed me over instability land. THAT was the true trigger. Shit..

I'm practically going out of my mind with stress!

It's horrible. I can't even think straight. I don't know what the heck to do. Everything is spinning too quickly, and I wonder what will happen when it finally becomes too much. When I hear everything at once, how will I break? What will my reaction be? Just not hearing anything? Because I'm getting pretty close to that point with everything coming at me all at once. God damn.. I hate this all so much. It's a flurried frenzy! Is there any way to finally get back on track? Have I derailed?

I just wish there could be somebody who would love me unconditionally. No matter what kind of horrible person I can be a times, or the bad I may do. Someone who wouldn't leave me or reject me, or eventually hurt me in the best way they could. I do my best. I really do... Can't anybody just appreciate that and accept me in all of my imperfection. Right now all I have is myself to keep me going. I know I have a greater purpose than this, and I can't give up. I'm doing something that goes beyond me;I don't care how selfish my parents say I am. And somewhere, someone needs me and godammit I will be there for them.. Someday, I promise.

I would be nothing like the person I am now. I would want nothing besides this

hing. I look at my reflection and marvel at the abundance of flaws. Flaws that create the perfect me. Without all the horrible things I HAVE experienced,

n myself used to disturb me to no end. But look at me now! All it takes is time, really. I've come so far, I know this can't all amount to absolutely not

t way? I've made so much progress in developing the person I have always truly been in a way that I can express myself outwardly. The inability to explai

I gotta keep fighting this feeling. I just have to keep going, pushing,trudging, whatever it takes. It shouldn't be that hard, so why am I making it tha

the concious effort to relate on the same level, so you're not above or below anybody in the percision of being human. And everything is what we make it.

.. I'm making too much of a big deal out of this. Today I understood what it means to become on with the world. It's all about understanding, and making

identity. Does she know I can directly see her mind as much as she can see mine? We're equally exposed, but I had always taken precationary measures. Eh

s so filled with dark irony that it is confusing me. Intuition is rendered useless, and I'm forced to watch things play out. At least I didn't expose his

don't care. I don't feel any regret or remorse. Not for that.
And I shouldn't. I more than half-wish I could just tell her the whole truth...everything i

Oh wow. I wish I had know that I was basically putting my personal thoughts over a loud speaker. Now I realize who sits in the audience, and strangely I

What's been captured in thismoment appears so strange.
A fragment of a spectacle brilliantly colored being rearranged.

Indescribable as it may truly be, it's so great an ordeal that its significance can't be relievd

this secret that I clutch, hidden in the flesh of my palm
is the single thing that can be proved neither right nor wrong.

there's a mangled mix of frosty hatred and burning love that can only decribed with no intensity residing above

so what is this truth that we hide from ourselves? This thing we try so hard to convey with closed mouths?

feelings are what we acknowledge inside, and the means of which motivation provide.

it works meticulously to shape our perspective,
remaining ambiguous, so much as objective.

it's simple, the feelings that we believe we hold
are the essential foundations of the clay pictures we mold

trust thing was all me. That any efforts I made to resolve my past mistakes were, and alwas would be, totally useless. There is more to life though...

I've done within the past year and a half.. One decision.. Ends it."
No going back it seems. I remember how I thought it was all my fault before. How the

portrayed as some reincarnation of the devil. God damn. There are worst things she could do. Matt's so afraid of being hurt...
"It sucks that after all

ply not true. Holly needs someone who understands her better and sympathizes. She's not a bad person because of one action, and shouldn't be condemned or

because of one simple action. I side with her on this. Completely. Matt is too fixated and assumes everything will end on one or two ways. No. That's sim

s attitude of Matt's would anger anybody. Holly's not wrong. She did the right thing. She's a good person with a good heart, and Matt's dehumanizing her

ted to drugs, like lost someone personally. Which leads me to wonder if *he* and Matt broke up for similar, or the same reasons. I can understand why thi

It doesn't matter. I should be the one upset for the stupid mistake."
God, sounds like how I had been. He must have had bad experiences with people addic

o where does that leave us?
..No! You're the one who says you're hurt because can't trust me. It took alot for me to tell you this. And it seems like..

after finding out he abused drugs... He waa disgusted. Is Matt ignorant or paranoid or all that and more.
"So you can't trust me not to do that again. S

rother?"
Ok. It's about drugs. Trust issues because he's afraid she'll do it again. Wow. Matt seems.. I think of how he belittled Armando behind his back

with what you're saying about my brother because he does that like 5 times a day. It's a big thing. He's a big part of my life. Do you think less of my b

d have been so much easier to say nothing."
Yeah, this is definetly about Holly doing something that Matt doesn't agree with.
"It's hard for me to agree

something that's hard to gain, and it sucks that I lost it but.. You're not being fair because you should gain some trust because I told you when it woul

She keeps repeating how she regrets it.
"Just because I do something once doesn't mean I have to do it again. I don't ever wamt to do it again. Trust is

hould stay away with my brother? Why would I tell my mom. I've been talking to Colleen about it. She said it was stupid, and I shouldn't have done it.."

l she disobeyed him because she did that? Or aomething more? Is he afraid she was cheating? So many questions left in the air.
"Are you trying to say I s

that around him. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean too..."
It's all piecing together now.
"So what do you want to do?"
Is it because of drugs? Does he fee

tell you about it, I wouldn't regret it. I know I didn't tell you about it and I know it's a mistake.. I'm sorry. Why Micheal? He's never asked me to do

of the room.
"So that's it? This is it then?"
Oh....
"I really can't do that right now cause there's other people here. I feel really guilty. If I didn't

ce did me. I know how.. Confusing it can be. What could be so hard to forgive...
And now things are quiet. The silence is akward, and looms in the aura

good, I mean she is trying so hard to apologize, but he's just not accepting that. And he's not letting it go, and it's frustrating her.. Just like it on

probably at fault. I can tell she's trying to work through it, and Matt is extremely agitated. What the heck happened between them..? It's not sounding

the past. I feel bad for Holly because it appears that she's in exactly the same position I was in for a loonnggg time. It hurts so badly.. And no one is

tators. Drama was also added when Ed professed an unrequited love of another to me. So now I find myself keeping secrets again and becoming caught up in

n we care to share with one another. Mm.. She just answered the phone. She's talking to him again.. This could get ugly and painful very quickly for spec

o care.. Gawd. It's funny, and a little sad that deep down I'm still pretty innocent despite everything. And Holly and I have alot more common ground tha

ong.
.....
I can't help what I feel but I can control how I react. I remember a dream where I was in the hospital and wished nothing more than for him t

eople told the same thing about that certain person who made my life hell. I wonder if I'll ever see him again... I miss h.. What am I saying? This is wr

Holy shit. They are fighting. Big time. It really shouldn't surprise me,but Matt seems like.. Well, I should just shut up now. I remember all the times p

What.. The.. Okay, I found out from Holly that she and Matt had been fighting. She said "I'm scared to check this phone for wha may be on there"(regarding texts). Is this the end of the relationship between Matt and Holly..? What does it all mean? T.T
I liked Matt for a long time..
for the two years I knew him, virtually. And the feelings I had never really died, but were covered up. But Holly said that he was being a jerk to her, just like his father is. I had heard Matt's father is an ass, but what does it mean? Why did he break up with *him*?
Was is *his* fault, or was it really because of Matt? I just remember that he was heartbroken.

I went to the Boardwalk and embarked on a new adventure, but my heart rate is extrememly sped up.
It's a tad anxiety provoking.
But that's okay I suppose.
It's an interesting position to be in when you feel like yyour heart is going to beat put of your chest. I see an opaque mosiac of a white dove as the sub alluminates the scenery of a bustling civil scene. Meh... And as the radiation penetrates our skin, I realize how short life is;only diminishing with each passing second.

Yesterday was weird. That's just about the only word I can use to describe it. I mean at the beginning of the day I was perfectly fine, but as the day progessed, so did the level of my instability. It was for no apparent reason, and that's what worries me the most. I am so tired. I just want to fall asleep on this super comfy couch. I wish I had lower inhibitions. I feel too.. Controlled in the way I act.

you do if you knew you had only one night to live" appeared to be a grim foreshadowing of what was yet to come. So bring it on. I just wanna say "sorry"

d. I'm only as evil as the pain I endure, because somehow I bring it upon myself. I'm ready for my heart to collapse in any second, the words "What would

rld is bound to be cast upon me, and it's my job to bear it. What is being learned that hasn't already been discovered by another? Maybe I'll be condemne

en head overheals in an undertow of debt. To whom, I still implore, awaiting an answer. But the answer is to everybody, for everybody. The pain of the wo

ys that others never could afford to, but..
what is worth it? This is just the price I've come to realize I have to pay, because since my birth I have be

uldn't take much to be completely torn apart; no, not much at all...
I know if I make it through this that I can change the world. I can see things in wa

ght in the middle of being torn apart on the battlefield of dellusions and grandeur. Now I just want to crash. Unraveling at the seams for so long, it wo

t. One song, "Cable Car".. I cried for so many reasons. For everybody and everything, and sang out of my heart. I was fucking interrupted. Interrupted ri

o.... I can't be that. I can't let people see what I'm going through. Some secrets I'd more readily take to the grave(lol). So I cried, I screamed, I hur

e exposed for all that I am. A weak, stupid, depressed, foolish little child who was to proud to ask for the help that she more than obviously needed. No

ed on one lie after the next. The one where I hide the whole of who I really am from every person on this planet. These are my greatest fears;that I'll b

'm not sure.. The one involving my facade, most probably. The one where I tried to hide the fact from my awareness that all my sense of morality is found

ing tracks right now and permanently scramble my brain, because in one moment it felt like my whole world was about to come crashing down. Which world? I

it probably isn't. The truth is, they make me hate myself. The hate I excercise towards myself makes me want to die. It makes me want to run to the fuck

I hate my parents. Funny, I remember when I was younger I would write in my diary "my parents are mean". Here I am again. Maybe it's not true hatred, and

I couldn't find my pencil, so I'm just writing to my blog. It's sad how people don't realize that there aren't that many things that make us that different from each other. We can all look and see pieces of ourselves in other individuals, and there are more similarities between us than differences. I can look at all the people on this video in psychology, and it's easy to identify. I.. don't know if I need medications or not, but I look at all the things have happened in the past when I was excersizing sobriety.. The risk is not worth it. But then what am I risking by gaining dependency on an external chemical substance. I can understand frustration caused by the feeling that people aren't listening.. You know what you're trying to tell them, and it's important. Ew, on the video, the parents institutionalized their child. That's horrible. There's such a stigma attached to that.. I wonder if I excercise this stigma to myself. I assume.. That I probably do.

It's the weirdest thing ever how when I first started composing a piece of music it was requiem for a dream.. Reincarnation of the original composer or something? No joke, it was oddd.. And strangely cool when I found out.

I lied to her. My mom. "I can't handle it if you're doing that!" she pleaded. I denied the truth, out of courtousy. In honesty, I have been self harming again, but I couldn't bar telling her. With a line like what she had given me, what was I supposed to say? "Um, hate to break it to you but.." ..yeah, right. As if I can just say it. As if I could admit it to her before admitting to myself that I'm totally screwed over. I need help, but I can't ask. I feel like I've completely lost it all. My mind, my truth, my control.. Everything. I don't know what's going to happen. If I want to live, I should turn myself in now.. But I don't know what I want, so nothing will happen, and fate will take its course. I'm so fucked. Hahaha... Everything is changing inside me and all around and I'm unsteady, obviously. In a flurried frenzy, pain would be nothing. I wouldn't know what hit me, even if I struck the blow upon myself. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
I really have nobody right now. No one knows me and it's dangerous. I'm just waiting for the universe to spontaneously implode now. Gar. Live hard, die fast;this was my choice. Or was it? Have I ever really chosen anything? Bring on the next break in reality.

I am so out of it today. I woke up several times last night to various nightmares, crying, with suicidal ideas whispering in my ear. If I don't regain control by tonight, I may be found staggering erratically to the nearest set of train tracks, and lay down a final time to end my nightmares and daydreaming that has never ceased to be, it seems. I need to repent for the source of all my agony and remorse.. Him. I'm sorrier than he may ever know, and sadly, he may barely afford to muster any empathy. That's only my loss though.. Only mine. My memories of the past flood my mind today and push me towards an end. All of it is unbearable, and my tolerance has subsequently dwindled down, leaving me with a tasteless version of reality, devoid of hope and passion. My woe, to the rest, shall remain unknown, as I conceal any hints my heart tries to utter.

op, and we remain unaware. Too distant a concept to grasp, it stays. We are the children;a product of a twisted play. We cry for the control we never had

rceded by the underlying facts we have thusfar headed. We don't want to hear how tomorrow inevitably brings death and despair. So today is replayed on lo

ing, because each accomplishment is granted with some degree of regret. Uncertanty gives us hope of tommorow. We are all fools.
We are doomed to be supe

ks. What we do know is quite enough. Silly are those of us who dare to question "Why?", instead of accepting the indefinite; The unknown! I wish for noth

eaves us distraught. Ignorance leaves us yearning for the void of things we don't know we're learning. New extremes meet us every day,but we turn our bac

lost now. We are only a product of perception. Truth lies beyond the surface. Opinions and fallacy escape from the cracks of the grand scheme. Insight l

an evokes equillibrium. Mean produces the present awareness. We always contemplate something which, in the end, amounts to absolutely nothing. I, we, are

e too many sudden drops, and I plunge into instabilty among stability. The unexpected becomes expected, and when it does not occur, all hell arises. Medi

m not but a victim of fate. I care not where I walk, but I walk aimlessly and then find my purpose. I fear all but constancy and continuity. But there ar

l but gray. Shadows loom on the boundaries and are clawing at my ankles, while light beams aim to let me evaporate. Both paths lead me somewhere, and I a

ty. I lie in the place between a new dawn and an eclipse of the sun. Twilight plexus visited far too frequently. Middle land, and there is nothing to fee

ne left to blame. Barren wastelands cleared by disease of the soul that molds the mind. Nowhere but emptiness to turn to.. Dissapating. Manifested toxidi

of me wanting to spill my blood and end all unrest for everything and everyone. Everything glows blue in the midst of a hurricane's turmoil. There's no o

ld. There are too many things to do, and I don't know where to begin. God, help me, I've lost all sense of direction. Everything condenses into the form

I need to just get my thoughts down. Everything is jumbled and mixed up in my head, and my dam of emotion is damn well overdue to break and flood the wor

(yesterday)
I'm at Great America, and frankly, I feel kinda down. I'm tired, but at least I don't feel sick right now. Waiting in line takes forever, and I find myself not caring about anything. Meh. Wondering still if I'm going to die today.