I just realized..

I've always known how to meditate.

I think it must be strange, considering so many people have to practice for a long time just to clear their mind. I remember staring out the window and enjoying the blankness of my mind, and the way everything felt in the moment not wanting it to change for anything. I was just staring. Not thinking, not moving; just staring. I was staring without seeing. I tuned out everything else. I remember that one of the specific times in my memory I was seven. I focused on a plastic piece of food, and nothing could break the concentration of my intent focus on doing nothing but letting my mind remain blank and at the same time absorbing the situation.. Somebody would swipe their hand across my face, yet it didn't matter. The very idea of object permance was gone, along with the rest of my thoughts. There was only me and the object of my focus. That was my world for those moments that stretched on for an eternity. When I meditate, I lose all sense of time. My soul is suspended in a seperate dimension. Most people, I believe, have never been there. Most, I believe, never will. I am a natural, and this leads me to reckon I must have an inclination of some sort. I do have an obsession with altered states of conciousness, and paying visit to different and distinct realities. I've always had an obsession with the prospect of religion and philosophy. Maybe one day it will lead me somewhere special. It is my hope, and it is my dream(literally). I worry, though, that because of I have been placed in a state of genetic predisposition, I may not be able to accept the authenticity of any given experience at face value. Not truly..
Despite this, I'll keep trying. I'll keep practicing. Maybe I'll finally lose the world, and my biased sense of what this reality is.

Man, James; I will never take that boy for granted <3 I love him alot. And I know he loves me too. That's the best part. He'll always be near, even if he is physically far. He'll always be in my heart and memories. Love isn't a term to be thrown around loosely, either. Not in my opinion. He cares indefinitely;altruisticly. There's no ulterior motif. I trust him,and he does the same to me, so why does Maria.. Why does she have to show up and try to stir up trouble? What is this, charma? She's the old me, so what should I do? I can't help but worry, and James knows this,too. A "friend,"she calls herself,but she leaves us mentally weary. I guess we'll have to wait and learn how things will turn out.

It's all surreal..

The ways things happen.. they really leave me in a state of wonder. And I guess that it's pretty much the best way to describe it through my eyes. I sit in my room as the sun sets.. I ponder everything that it took to get me here. It must have been alot. Alot for me to not just crumble today, as I would have before. Haha, imagery of a gingerbread cookie. Inside, that was the equivalent of my consistancy.But now I can just say "Oh well." and leave it at that, perfectly content. And for me to say that, it really did take alot. I feel inspired by the air around me today.. I can't take credit for the thoughts.. it seems like they were merely given to me by something above myself, beyond my understanding. I'm so happy now. I'm so happy..

I trust life to lead me along.

She finds it fun. This i know. She is a bruja, I am a curandera. i am a guerrero, combatting la loccura arising from the prospect of battle itself.

I don't know why it seems like time is the answer to everything. A moment ago it wasn't, and in the next moment, I know it won't be either. So why,right now, does it seem true? I guess time will tell.
..or not.

"Sad Little Bit of Irony"

I feel like I'm drowning
muffled screams do nothing
only a few fingers are left above the surface
once they go under,what once had been hope is gone forever
even while being weighted down by guilt,
and I swear I'm still trying to stay afloat,
others point,not for someone to save me
but to discuss how the situation was all my fault.

can somebody please explain to me exactly
what seeing this should make me think?
I start to believe that perhaps,actually,
it's funny for them to watch me sink.

in a strange way, I find it comforting
that they don't care if my life is lost..
yet if this is my final impression for the whole of humanity..
another statistic is gained to them,but I can only wonder at what cost.
The lack of oxygen may be catching me
but the saddest thing about this picture
is that even I,the victim,still know of empathy
and even in death, I am,for them,feeling pity

The saddest thing is.. even knowing those answers.. You can't always stop it, and once it hits you.....
that's it.
It hit me.

What they see,however, is different. They see a future that is doomed to worsen in ways yet to be concieved,and they couldn't dare to imagine...
Meh.
On another note, I believe many people write because they don't have faith that their actions will speak for themselves with the words they originally wished they would convey...... They try their hardest not to be misunderstood as being malicious and completely selfish with their writings by showing the reader many details in an attempt to assure themselves(the authors) that they weren't truly that way. Insecure; I admit that I am one of those writers. I always had done it on a subconcious level for that reason.. But I guess.. I failed in my purpose.

they can to avoid it,not even realizing that they were not only already in its wake, but at the climax,where things could only get better.

approaching again and succumb to the thought that its arrival is inevitable unless we find a way out of that set path, and some panic. They do whatever

during these periods of emotional akwardness, many have been seen to have committed suicide.. Especially among the bipolar population. We see depression

re,and it's easy to misunderstand as we each have given that word our own meaning depending on our own past. Then again, it could be considered a vice,as

y transitional periods between depression and being.. Not depressed.I won't exactly call it normal,since I'm not really sure what that means for me anymo

at the time.. It's really too much to ask. We're already tired,and it's like asking a beggar to spare some change. I guess I am lucky in the sense that m

nsity of thoughts influenced by darkness. Of course during depression off the top of our minds would we just dismiss any ideas going against our beliefs

s... It's simply rejected,not eternalized on any level. Maybe it's pushed into the subconcious,but even there it is overwhelmed by the magnitude and inte

y logic at the time.. And when something contradicts what we believe, unless we find reason within ourselves by the majority of our "concientious" belief

ea is still there,regardless. It's not that I don't want to be helped or told something,much less accept it so easily as it is told, but it contradicts m

ognition in that they can identify with it. Yeah, it's childish,but I don't believe it is at all an exaggeration. I may be doing it passively, but the id

d when they answer, I start again. But that explanation is all obviously in a figurative sense, and I'm sure the analogy can grant anybody a sense of rec

e logic and describe how my train of thought is being biased my my own method of mental self-sabotage, I pretty much go "LALALALALAICANTHEARYOUWUT?!?" an

completely shut down.. I can't be bothered to listen to any explanations and sort things out. I think "How I feel is absolute." so while people try to us

*sigh*
It's at least a good thing that I can still recognize that there *is* another side to the argument right now. Usually when I become depressed, I

.. That is alot of ground covered). So does this mean I've internally accepted this role and fallen victim to the self-fulfilling prophecy?

feeling we have come to accept as within the threshold of our generalized personal baseline, and believing I'm bipolar and having experienced what I have

ling me now because I do not understand them. We all have this built in tendency to dislike change while we are in equillibrium and homeostasis(rather a

ion of somebody's intention. Plus so many other questions arise if I accept the idea that some things are beyond my control, and those things are control

to mention solid argument, that this physical feeling of being drained may,indeed,be without reason;Without purpose,cause,and above all, by the implicat

ust of control, it must inevitably be my own fault somehow.
Yes, it takes much more energy to try to translate into a personally coherent explanation,not

t's the easiest thing to believe. No effort has to be made to think that in times of hardship, there is an absolute reason, and that with my internal loc

I'm focusing on a partial truth, so why do I not acknowledge the rest?
..it must be because in times of such little energy, when I'm drained of will, i

t detracts from the true beauty of the impact I have made through my eyes.. Understandably, I become displeased, even suicidal....

Part of me knows that

n.. Reflecting then, I see some selfish,apathetic entity.. Who then also becomes my enemy.. Thinking becomes polarized,leaving out all all subtleties..
I

light... Maybe like a blackhole,even,that sucks the true meaning(including many truths) and genuity of my intentions from all of my previous recollectio

ally wish they never had discovered that part of who I am..
On nights like this I find myself illogically trying to rationalize everything in a negative

hat I even truly become depressed to this extent, or that I probably am bipolar, or anything of the like.
Some do, and for those that know, at times I re

though did I bite off more than I can chew?
..it's an understatement to say I don't like this part of being myself. Most people in my life have no idea t

Oww.. Despair can be so overwhelming.. It's more than I bargained for but nothing that should have been unexpected(given past experiences,especially..),

Wow, I hate not being able to sleep. I hope 5 grams of Xanax will put me out.. X.x
insomnia sucks.

Summertime wishes of increased awareness

..hmm..
Because of the fact that it's Summer, I will have more time to work towards developing my spiritual insight and whatnot. In a container, I have means by which I can achieve this goal. My first attempt failed but.. oh, I should mention that lately, I have become more sensitive to those extremely high frequency pitches that.. draw our attention to our shifting conciousness. I do not know if this is the result of daily meditation, some of my stupidest decisions, or other, but regardless, it is notable. I definitely believe that it's a good skill, as it signaled the onset of a seizure(grand mal), and I can use that knowledge to prepare myself for what may happen if I hear that same tone. It also will give hint to the onset of mania. I hear a pitch right now, though it sounds fuzzy, and I wonder what it represents. In any case, my self-experimentation will continue, and so will my research. After all that I have already experienced, I am prepared for almost anything that these tests may have to offer; positive and negative. I know I am not the only one who puts so much emphasis on my idea of a religious plight of self-discovery. Authority figures, bring it on!

Yesterday was quite an interesting day... For the worse, I'd say. Probably came close to uh.. Dying or something :/ no joke,and it was not intentional, either. Oh well.

I'm worried something may happen to me,so just in case.. Thank you to everybody who has been there for me through everything.. It meant more than anything else ever did.. ..and I'm sorry for not learning lessons quick enough and putting what I did learn to use better,I..
wish it didn't end this way but my heart took to drastic a blow..and I should've said something sooner but I always had dismissed physical,as it was nothing compared to the threshhold of emotional anguish I had trodden upon. Now the people in my life..always meant so much to me. In a girl so insecure about my flaws,rejections or being accepted would make or break me. The way I truly am is not so complex,though I'd always work my hardest to excercise altruism because it gave me a sense of honest fulfillment,and.. I found my plans would go arye more often than not -the pain my mistakes caused I would much rather take upon myself..but the past is unmovable..and the future mocks. So what is there to say,really? I'm sorry. Sooo sorry I couldn't be.. Enough. Indefinitely enough of fill in the blank..
..but please remember me as someone who tried :( 'cause I did.....
and I loved,though I only wished others may dare to understand..
¡hasta todavìa in sus corazònes y piensas!

It made me realize..
That things have changed,that we were once different people.. That the feelings attached to those memories are no longer valid for this very reason. My fears aren't justified anymore, and that.. I am not the only one,surely,who realizes this. Like a river, the effect the flow of time takes on us is gradual; it shapes us,and only upon reflecting can we realize the amount to which it has. The things I believe to be true are biased by the past and my individual perception,and I can take intiative to obstruct,ebb or curve the natural flow of this river so that in the future, the changes I wish may occur in the landscape of my life,and my unique current will be set on the course of a path I wish to trial.

I'm trying to help this girl James introduced me to over YIM,but the conversation is so triggering
~~~~~
dude,she made me cry tears of happy! She's my long lost freakin' sister or something @.@ <3

Huh... Nobody is really completely aware of the war going on inside of me lately.. Which is w/e. I try my hardest not to dwell on it..
..but there are times at night I cry,times that I can't no matter how hard I try, and times I wish I could stop breathing and die,which some of those times I actually tried...
alas, I'm still here,to battle another day. Irritating as it all may be, I have to keep on. Anything could happen on any day, and lately, I am anxious because I feel as if I am always waiting for something bad to happen. It's all surreal,like a never ending dream and I'm a puppet,compelled by the strings of fate. Maybe I'll turn into myself like before

It's been awhile since I've blogged at all.. And now it's almost the end of the school year.. It's not that I didn't have anything to say,but I just bring myself to blog it all. And it was quite alot. So many things occur at such an alarming rate that my head is always swirling with a whirlwind of thoughts. This time of year holds so many memories for me,and I catch myself remembering things virtually everyday that I had otherwise forgotten. It would take a year after I stopped talking to him for all of the painful recollections to end,hopefully. I've become more overwhelmed as the end of the school draws closer.. So many things to do,say,convey.. And it's another conclusion and reincarnation. It never completely ends, and... I don't know what to feel about all of this, or what it really does make me feel. Mixed up inside, I suppose :/ ..so let's just say I'm dizzy.