Virtually nobody...

...really realizes what I do on a daily basis. How many people have I helped today? I helped one person who was mourning the impending death of a loved one, another who was mourning the loss of a relationship, listened to somebody speaking about their frustration about their living situation, another about the release of the worry of their friend and their self, another person about their depression and suicidal thoughts, another person about their father's illness, dealing with the aftermath of an article I've published and responsibility I've taken on, sometimes I just want to shut everything out. Even right now, I'm being spoken to by a friend. Do people think I give them my full attention, that they're the only thing that I could possibly have to think about? That they're my whole reality?

Oh yeah, then there's my friend moving back to Fresno and telling me about her classes. At least we'll be the same class together. Honestly, though, why do I do this to myself? It's so funny, because from another person's perspective, they think... oh god, and that reminds me of the other girl that was complaining because she said I was ignoring her =_=

WHY?

I'm already dealing with illness... At the same time, I realize it isn't all about me. I beyond know that, but I have to watch out for myself, I know...

...well, at least his self-esteem is back again. I lower myself to raise them up so frequently. School is quickly approaching...

This is becoming such a fast-paced existence... Is that what I want? I seem to be handling it okay, despite the fact that I'm virtually physically dying, roflmao. 30lbs in a month... from not being able to eat. It's such a weird gap between intention and inability. I know I SHOULD be able to do something, I get so frustrated I can't just do it through sheer willpower, yet I can't... like with my social anxiety and OCD. This time, it's anorexia. Not Anorexia Nervosa... I am pretty secure about my weight, generally speaking. I came to the conclusion health outweighs weight a long time ago, and I'm pretty damn fit... at least I was until this past year. Marching band is coming up in a month, but in this condition...

I can't sustain myself... at this rate, I won't even be able to survive, let alone do anything else. I can only lose so much body mass between things start going south VERY quickly... pfft, as if they haven't already been. Disassociation is a blessing and a curse, I suppose. I would be in a remarkable amount of pain right now if I could feel it, I imagine. Well, several people have the same intuitive conclusion of what it is I'm dealing with based upon my symptoms... something I was pretty much expecting for anyways.
It's the one bad thing I haven't had happen yet: cancer.

The doctor didn't even really have to inquire much further past the standard questions, considering I answered each one with "yeah" and she didn't even bother saying why she was doing a blood draw past the full blood panel my psychiatrist recommended I get immediately... like a month ago. Thanks parents. Hahaha...
Several for the lymph nodes. I am positive I have all of the symptoms of lymphoma, excluding one, which I may or may not have (I don't have a thermometer).
I'm certain she knows that, too. She probably realized I'm predisposed. She did have my history on record, after all...

Anyways, not that losing that much weight is a bad thing, I just hope it's fat, lol... I kind know it's not, though. What worries me a bit is that I don't know where a tumor would be. Most likely it's lymphoma, considering I've had almost all of the predisposing illnesses... or almost all of them, and have all of the symptoms specific to that cancer, but my lymph nodes aren't swollen like before... My lung and sinus infection is clearing up as the rash is spreading and I continue to lose weight, becoming further malnourished, but... shit, does it have a specific place, or is it the leukemia type? Because that would suck. Horribly. I'm not too fond of the idea of radiation of any type, period. I'm hyper-sensitive to shit like that. ._. I'm not really worried about dying despite my body pretty much expressing the signs, because my intuition is saying it's going to be okay, I just have to wait for things to proceed, but still, that's kind of annoying. Assuming my intuition is right, and assuming I lose my hair, I'm totally drawing on my head >:D I'll have an excuse to. It will be so badass, but this weight loss thing... it has to end. It has to end soon. It's progressing far to rapidly. I have faith it will end, but I guess I'm just kind of impatient. I want to know the "how" about things... I already know the "why?" at this point. It's funny how I still even want to deny that much. It's not even a bad thing...

My fate is to experience these bad things for the sake of the consequence, and I have long resigned myself to it. There's nothing else I'd want. I gave up my free-will long ago... I guess that allowed me to see past the illusion of it sooner, and I suppose the consequence of that was peace, once I knew how to see it. Pistis Sophia and the Philosopher's Stone... The endless cycle, transcending the peak and resolve, and synthesizing... bridging... 

It's shocking to think people would want to know me, but then it's not... I knew this was my fate. I knew it since I could know anything... I think some do realize what my reality entails... how it relates to their own, and what's coming.

Still, I've got to remember the short-term, too... that's where I'm deficient. Though just as real as what I know is coming, I have to sustain myself... unless this is the critical point approaching. I don't feel it yet, though... and now again I'm reminded that the beauty is the willingly unknown. That's what I chose. That's why they exist. I'll always know love is the why... for better or for worse. It's been a long metamorphosis.

It seems like a tangent, but is it really? Only to everybody else, I guess... but I wonder how far they can see without bridging into what only I've known this whole time. Maybe I don't give enough credit to other people. In some ways, I must not...

Krista tried to talk to me tonight... it's the second time today I've had to turn down the invitation to converse. I really am exhausted. I don't feel like talking to anyone... I barely feel like talking to myself, but at least this gets the thoughts out of my head, even if it physically hurts. The physical pain never seems to outweigh the emotional. Goddamn arthritis. 

I still wonder if being honest about my concerns is the right thing to do or not. I used to think it was selfish, but now I'm realizing that being honest about it allows me to show others it is possible, while I'm living, to be strong throughout my struggles. I've faced so many things alone that other people aren't aware of... they don't even understand my process of coping. It's not surprising I feel alone so often.

...and yet ANOTHER person tries to start a conversation.
....................

Well, there's an example of my introverted characteristics. >_>
So many things locked inside, I need to get them out somehow... self-injury comes to mind, but no. I can't return down that path. I slipped up not all that long ago, and now I have a new scar hidden away from the eyes of the world. I wonder how many of those I have at this point... Way more figuratively than physically, but the physical amount, I'm sure, is astounding... yet I don't count these things. Too many times have I fallen, bumped, scratched, bruised, bled where nobody can see. If I were to cry every time, would I have time to do anything else? It's necessary to retain some level of distance from that pain. I'll save my tears for the very end or take them to the grave. They're a waste of time. 

One thing I can happily say is I haven't been suicidal lately. There's a lot of irony in that statement, because of all times, you'd think this would be the worst in terms of my mood... Nope. Bi-polar disorder, you're such a troll. I'm bound to crash, I just hope it isn't soon. These things I can't really know, either, but there's also no point in dwelling on things I couldn't possibly know. I guess these questions just come and go... and that's okay. Everything is okay.

I remember when I was little... I used to be scared that if I closed my eyes, people would think I was dead, but more significantly, that I wouldn't wake up. Trapped in a perpetual nightmare... I don't fear that anymore. The irony is that there's not much left to fear, because I've been through virtually all of it. Even death, itself. Whatever life brings, the truth remains. Whatever I believe, I am the truth, even if that truth doesn't exist. Semantics don't matter... these utterances are lulling me to sleep. The sound of my thoughts echoing, more meaning lost with each phrase the essence is limited by... yet more falsity is created. Giving is taking, receiving is being gifted.

Now is a time for sleep. To my subconscious cocoon I return.
Home.