Truly and sincerely

I wish my depression wasn't returning. This is really a horrible, horrible time... but that's probably the reason it IS returning. I'm under a super-massive amount of stress... Honestly, nobody knows at all. That's... not something I have the ability to communicate. Suicidal thoughts again though... really... I just feel my shoulders slump thinking about it... if nothing else a release of tension, only to unconsciously return once I'm aware of... ._.

Meaning is something I struggle with, even still; a reason to push through the pain of the experiences... a constant battle inside of me. Some people I know are aware of that, but nobody realizes how close to the edge I frequently am. I fantasize about being beheaded, I close my eyes, lay back, and imagine being decapitated and how lovely it would feel in relativity to my current state of existence... I could just leave. I know death doesn't hurt... A large part of the issue is that I don't fear death... is that an issue? I stay for egocentric reasons, anyways... personal happiness, yeah I'm human... entitled to happiness? Entitled to suffering in equal measure... but do I want that? I'm weary of change, constantly on the run and ultimately aimless. I'm just wandering here and waiting for what I already know is going to happen.

It's funny because as I listen to "The Road To Hell Is Paved With Good Intentions" by In Fear and Faith... I listening to the lyrics talking about the funeral; I feel like half-laughing, but I hold a grimace. The only reason that'd be funny is because I don't imagine it like that at all. "Familiar faces, worn out places" as Gary Jules sang... and the future isn't even a terrifying prospect for that reason. For years this thought has lingered in my mind,

"A lifetime of this, a lifetime of this, a lifetime of this... is this what you want? A lifetime of this..."

Rarely does the looping end... it's always there in some form or another... it's so relentless, yet I have to be ever more listful, compelled forward until then end.

God, I am so tired. 

The only hope I have left, the only reason I have is my friends, depression takes everything from me, even them... It takes everything out of me, all hope, my energy, my mind... I've made damn sure that if I ever do go, people will see it coming and know there was nothing that they could have done; it's the truth.

Augh, thoughts of self-injury again... why does this keep happening lately? Is it just the stress?

...

Mental association, that one connection I had strong that was so strong... is that it? Similar qualities, post-traumatic stress, old patterns of thought brought to mind that I had been conditioned into and promoted towards? Why... does he have to come into my mind. I just don't want to think of him. I don't want him there. Is it shame? Is it fear? Why does it stick? I tried my best, I... didn't know, I ... still have trouble believing those things weren't my fault, but I can't afford to think about it anymore. Despite that, it keeps dogging me down... I don't want a brain right now... at all.

Is it true caring? Why does it have to be so terrifying? I'm trying to work past the "It's not worth bothering phase" and I knew it wouldn't be easy... I have so much trauma to work through... I suppose this could be considered normal. Even still, this is so dangerous... what I've been putting myself through without anybody being aware of it, with the aim of recovery. It's the only way. I have to do it. I have to be strong enough; it's that or death. Still, I didn't choose any of this... I'm not a victim, I still have the power to just throw up the white flag and give, and as long as I'm still living, I guess I haven't done that... regardless, I need change... quickly. Even though I'm tired, I need it so desperately, and other things I dare not confess to other people. Sanctuary? Backmasked as always, how else could I hope to be honest without such intense anxiety? A greater possibility that I will remain unseen, even though being seen is exactly what I need. I need a hand to help me out of this place, I am blind. I don't even seen the light, I need guidance... I can't pretend if I want to live. I have to get past this somehow... It's easier to give up. Just the few good things vs. all of the weight pulling me down, I could just sink. But those good things, those people...

Synchronicity again..... "I Need You Now (How Many Times?)"... a song I never heard, by chance I just saw, listening, okay... not even unusual anymore. Music always coincides, whether I have the song at the time or not... it always comes to me. I've been the hero too long...  Submerged, would I die from suffocation or hypothermia more quickly? I can picture both, the imagery of translucency... that chilling to the bones. Is it because I'm already there? Is that why, despite its quality being so opaque, the vision is so clear?

What am I supposed to do? What could I do? Should... shouldn't enter the picture, oh so ironically, but it does... shouldn't but does? Play it off, shrug... no... stop. Frozen. Am I that deep now? An airpocket, or is time, itself, freezing?

...help, please, help.....



































..............but who possible could? How could I ask, expect for there to be a possibility, hope? No more... I can't. Not now.