A friend in pain : co-morbidity

6:29am

if you let me

I'll stay with you, too

in your heart as well

I had a dream about Kenny being alive, trying to convince him not to kill himself, I wake up only to start think about suicide, I decide to listen to music, listen to song about suicide, look up 30 day song list, put your favorite blues song? "Is Elliott Smith's music considered blues? Oh well, I know 'Gloomy Sunday' is..." /Googles to be sure, oh wow. They banned this song all the way until 2002 in the BBC? I mean, yeah, it's the Hungarian suicide song, but still. "Vége a világnak" Thoughts of suicide plague me...suicide everywhere in my mind and these songs. This is an urban legend for I have listened to this song and not died many, despite having initially heard it years ago, and so I went on to describe to my friend what I had known then, too. I kept to myself the thought that perhaps the reason I am not superstitious is the byproduct of my blatant lack of self-value, as much as that transitions with the way I choose to frame my mind to adapt in order to bring about a given change. > There is a recurring urban legend that claims that many people committed suicide with this song playing.[3] But as I said: It's nice today outside, it's a pleasant kind of warm The sun may burn; it stings my eyes and blinds me, but the warmth is pleasant But I'm not going to let myself kill myself The part of me that loves, it's the part that fights the delusion and thoughts, That's the ray of light; I can't quite cling to it, but through suffering I can try my best not to lose sight of it As my vision obscures with everything left in me, and instead I cling to hope, The faith that it will bring me back in time, that there is a way out from that place, that I can surpass it. And have I absolute faith, that despite the darkness, there is something more. So long as I live, it's that which compels me forward, because it is not natural to move through pain, but because of love, there is motion. Because of motion, there is difference. Because of difference, there is potential, and because of potential, there is possibility. Possibility permits choice. So I choose to love... Though I do not control what I will experience, so long as any part of me exists, I can choose how I react. I may be a candle in a maelstrom, but my flame is a persistent motherfucker. Maybe like the sun, I can provide warmth, but unlike the sun, I can resolve the blinding, stinging sensations. This is my resolve. I hope to be that warmth, to comfort my friend in pain. She doesn't need to say it, because I know she wouldn't dare admit it. In times of such pain, I know she tries to shut people out, I know she tries to isolate, and most of all do I know what such isolation would entail at times such as mourning and loss. So long as I can help it, she will not be alone through that; not like I always have been.