hould stay away with my brother? Why would I tell my mom. I've been talking to Colleen about it. She said it was stupid, and I shouldn't have done it.."

l she disobeyed him because she did that? Or aomething more? Is he afraid she was cheating? So many questions left in the air.
"Are you trying to say I s

that around him. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean too..."
It's all piecing together now.
"So what do you want to do?"
Is it because of drugs? Does he fee

tell you about it, I wouldn't regret it. I know I didn't tell you about it and I know it's a mistake.. I'm sorry. Why Micheal? He's never asked me to do

of the room.
"So that's it? This is it then?"
Oh....
"I really can't do that right now cause there's other people here. I feel really guilty. If I didn't

ce did me. I know how.. Confusing it can be. What could be so hard to forgive...
And now things are quiet. The silence is akward, and looms in the aura

good, I mean she is trying so hard to apologize, but he's just not accepting that. And he's not letting it go, and it's frustrating her.. Just like it on

probably at fault. I can tell she's trying to work through it, and Matt is extremely agitated. What the heck happened between them..? It's not sounding

the past. I feel bad for Holly because it appears that she's in exactly the same position I was in for a loonnggg time. It hurts so badly.. And no one is

tators. Drama was also added when Ed professed an unrequited love of another to me. So now I find myself keeping secrets again and becoming caught up in

n we care to share with one another. Mm.. She just answered the phone. She's talking to him again.. This could get ugly and painful very quickly for spec

o care.. Gawd. It's funny, and a little sad that deep down I'm still pretty innocent despite everything. And Holly and I have alot more common ground tha

ong.
.....
I can't help what I feel but I can control how I react. I remember a dream where I was in the hospital and wished nothing more than for him t

eople told the same thing about that certain person who made my life hell. I wonder if I'll ever see him again... I miss h.. What am I saying? This is wr

Holy shit. They are fighting. Big time. It really shouldn't surprise me,but Matt seems like.. Well, I should just shut up now. I remember all the times p

What.. The.. Okay, I found out from Holly that she and Matt had been fighting. She said "I'm scared to check this phone for wha may be on there"(regarding texts). Is this the end of the relationship between Matt and Holly..? What does it all mean? T.T
I liked Matt for a long time..
for the two years I knew him, virtually. And the feelings I had never really died, but were covered up. But Holly said that he was being a jerk to her, just like his father is. I had heard Matt's father is an ass, but what does it mean? Why did he break up with *him*?
Was is *his* fault, or was it really because of Matt? I just remember that he was heartbroken.

I went to the Boardwalk and embarked on a new adventure, but my heart rate is extrememly sped up.
It's a tad anxiety provoking.
But that's okay I suppose.
It's an interesting position to be in when you feel like yyour heart is going to beat put of your chest. I see an opaque mosiac of a white dove as the sub alluminates the scenery of a bustling civil scene. Meh... And as the radiation penetrates our skin, I realize how short life is;only diminishing with each passing second.

Yesterday was weird. That's just about the only word I can use to describe it. I mean at the beginning of the day I was perfectly fine, but as the day progessed, so did the level of my instability. It was for no apparent reason, and that's what worries me the most. I am so tired. I just want to fall asleep on this super comfy couch. I wish I had lower inhibitions. I feel too.. Controlled in the way I act.

you do if you knew you had only one night to live" appeared to be a grim foreshadowing of what was yet to come. So bring it on. I just wanna say "sorry"

d. I'm only as evil as the pain I endure, because somehow I bring it upon myself. I'm ready for my heart to collapse in any second, the words "What would

rld is bound to be cast upon me, and it's my job to bear it. What is being learned that hasn't already been discovered by another? Maybe I'll be condemne

en head overheals in an undertow of debt. To whom, I still implore, awaiting an answer. But the answer is to everybody, for everybody. The pain of the wo

ys that others never could afford to, but..
what is worth it? This is just the price I've come to realize I have to pay, because since my birth I have be

uldn't take much to be completely torn apart; no, not much at all...
I know if I make it through this that I can change the world. I can see things in wa

ght in the middle of being torn apart on the battlefield of dellusions and grandeur. Now I just want to crash. Unraveling at the seams for so long, it wo

t. One song, "Cable Car".. I cried for so many reasons. For everybody and everything, and sang out of my heart. I was fucking interrupted. Interrupted ri

o.... I can't be that. I can't let people see what I'm going through. Some secrets I'd more readily take to the grave(lol). So I cried, I screamed, I hur

e exposed for all that I am. A weak, stupid, depressed, foolish little child who was to proud to ask for the help that she more than obviously needed. No

ed on one lie after the next. The one where I hide the whole of who I really am from every person on this planet. These are my greatest fears;that I'll b

'm not sure.. The one involving my facade, most probably. The one where I tried to hide the fact from my awareness that all my sense of morality is found

ing tracks right now and permanently scramble my brain, because in one moment it felt like my whole world was about to come crashing down. Which world? I

it probably isn't. The truth is, they make me hate myself. The hate I excercise towards myself makes me want to die. It makes me want to run to the fuck

I hate my parents. Funny, I remember when I was younger I would write in my diary "my parents are mean". Here I am again. Maybe it's not true hatred, and

I couldn't find my pencil, so I'm just writing to my blog. It's sad how people don't realize that there aren't that many things that make us that different from each other. We can all look and see pieces of ourselves in other individuals, and there are more similarities between us than differences. I can look at all the people on this video in psychology, and it's easy to identify. I.. don't know if I need medications or not, but I look at all the things have happened in the past when I was excersizing sobriety.. The risk is not worth it. But then what am I risking by gaining dependency on an external chemical substance. I can understand frustration caused by the feeling that people aren't listening.. You know what you're trying to tell them, and it's important. Ew, on the video, the parents institutionalized their child. That's horrible. There's such a stigma attached to that.. I wonder if I excercise this stigma to myself. I assume.. That I probably do.

It's the weirdest thing ever how when I first started composing a piece of music it was requiem for a dream.. Reincarnation of the original composer or something? No joke, it was oddd.. And strangely cool when I found out.

I lied to her. My mom. "I can't handle it if you're doing that!" she pleaded. I denied the truth, out of courtousy. In honesty, I have been self harming again, but I couldn't bar telling her. With a line like what she had given me, what was I supposed to say? "Um, hate to break it to you but.." ..yeah, right. As if I can just say it. As if I could admit it to her before admitting to myself that I'm totally screwed over. I need help, but I can't ask. I feel like I've completely lost it all. My mind, my truth, my control.. Everything. I don't know what's going to happen. If I want to live, I should turn myself in now.. But I don't know what I want, so nothing will happen, and fate will take its course. I'm so fucked. Hahaha... Everything is changing inside me and all around and I'm unsteady, obviously. In a flurried frenzy, pain would be nothing. I wouldn't know what hit me, even if I struck the blow upon myself. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
I really have nobody right now. No one knows me and it's dangerous. I'm just waiting for the universe to spontaneously implode now. Gar. Live hard, die fast;this was my choice. Or was it? Have I ever really chosen anything? Bring on the next break in reality.

I am so out of it today. I woke up several times last night to various nightmares, crying, with suicidal ideas whispering in my ear. If I don't regain control by tonight, I may be found staggering erratically to the nearest set of train tracks, and lay down a final time to end my nightmares and daydreaming that has never ceased to be, it seems. I need to repent for the source of all my agony and remorse.. Him. I'm sorrier than he may ever know, and sadly, he may barely afford to muster any empathy. That's only my loss though.. Only mine. My memories of the past flood my mind today and push me towards an end. All of it is unbearable, and my tolerance has subsequently dwindled down, leaving me with a tasteless version of reality, devoid of hope and passion. My woe, to the rest, shall remain unknown, as I conceal any hints my heart tries to utter.

op, and we remain unaware. Too distant a concept to grasp, it stays. We are the children;a product of a twisted play. We cry for the control we never had

rceded by the underlying facts we have thusfar headed. We don't want to hear how tomorrow inevitably brings death and despair. So today is replayed on lo

ing, because each accomplishment is granted with some degree of regret. Uncertanty gives us hope of tommorow. We are all fools.
We are doomed to be supe

ks. What we do know is quite enough. Silly are those of us who dare to question "Why?", instead of accepting the indefinite; The unknown! I wish for noth

eaves us distraught. Ignorance leaves us yearning for the void of things we don't know we're learning. New extremes meet us every day,but we turn our bac

lost now. We are only a product of perception. Truth lies beyond the surface. Opinions and fallacy escape from the cracks of the grand scheme. Insight l

an evokes equillibrium. Mean produces the present awareness. We always contemplate something which, in the end, amounts to absolutely nothing. I, we, are

e too many sudden drops, and I plunge into instabilty among stability. The unexpected becomes expected, and when it does not occur, all hell arises. Medi

m not but a victim of fate. I care not where I walk, but I walk aimlessly and then find my purpose. I fear all but constancy and continuity. But there ar

l but gray. Shadows loom on the boundaries and are clawing at my ankles, while light beams aim to let me evaporate. Both paths lead me somewhere, and I a

ty. I lie in the place between a new dawn and an eclipse of the sun. Twilight plexus visited far too frequently. Middle land, and there is nothing to fee

ne left to blame. Barren wastelands cleared by disease of the soul that molds the mind. Nowhere but emptiness to turn to.. Dissapating. Manifested toxidi

of me wanting to spill my blood and end all unrest for everything and everyone. Everything glows blue in the midst of a hurricane's turmoil. There's no o

ld. There are too many things to do, and I don't know where to begin. God, help me, I've lost all sense of direction. Everything condenses into the form

I need to just get my thoughts down. Everything is jumbled and mixed up in my head, and my dam of emotion is damn well overdue to break and flood the wor

(yesterday)
I'm at Great America, and frankly, I feel kinda down. I'm tired, but at least I don't feel sick right now. Waiting in line takes forever, and I find myself not caring about anything. Meh. Wondering still if I'm going to die today.

d soul can win.

~~~~
this was an old text on mah phone o.o kbai

unresolved conflicts I'd cast into boundless wind, as the world subsequently inhereted my heavy burdens. The race to escape the inevitable that no triale

wly consuming the vitality with a wall of stone. Nothing enters or escapes. If I were to pray, what could I say? Please help me get past this day, and gu

urn to in my time of grievance, so in the light of my darkness, I wish to repent.. For all my sins, those subtle lies I've kept buried within, and those

ide me, as not to be lead astray? Give my life direction.. Point me in the right way so I can try throw down the best effort I may? I know not where to t

finetly remains the same. People ignore it like I wish I could when I recall my own reflection. The burning gaze is etched into my soul;an infection, slo

n. Vein, that I wish I had the will to drain. My appearance has changed, and in some ways I have, too. But the look in my eyes that I cannot hide most de

slip over the edge forever... I wish I could caln down but there's such a profound restlessness bustling in the air that I know it's not but a cry in vai

sane yet. If you could see me, you would just know. No need for am exchange of words....
Decisions... Too many.. I need to get my footing back before I

e a long night. Why must I go through such a rigorous hell? My own mind is relentless. Was it because of my anti-depressant..? Well, I'm not really quite

~~~~~~~~
I'm doing so badly right now. I don't know how much blood I lost.. But it was enough to make me sick and feel like crap. It's going to b

e meet again
at the circles end~

ation.

I'm merging into night..
Sleep brings peace.
No pressure of thought among stars.
Only observations.
I'll be watching.
Until the beginning
when w

arko is the best movie ever. Just throwing it out there. There's so much raw truth to it. Everyone should see. The underlying theme becomes my new realiz

t to hurt you......
My baby..................
Huh? Tears? ..why?

oh god....too many reasons...

"Anna Begins"- Counting Crows

...

wow......

Donnie D

ct him like.. I wish someone would have protected me. He's sheltered from that. Oh, my little one. I'm glad you're happy.. It makes me happy. I don't wan

s me when he had trusted no one before. He'd been hurt alot, like me. Now my love is all he'll need. I've never given him reason to not trust me. I prote

ove equally, if not more. To him, I'm his mom. And he IS my baby. Cats are simple. They live for pleasure of touch and food. Of simply living. Paws trust

ying next to me purring. I love him.. He never leaves and never hurts me.. Ever. He only loves, and cries, and I comfort him and reassure him that he's l

. What the difference is between who I am, and who I wish to become. Ew.. Regurgitated enchiladas ~"~;... Bleh. Vomit. Aww..
my little baby kitty is la

endency to cause pain, and it comes to my awareness eventually. It leaves me in a confused aura of mind boggling paradox contemplating what is "my truth"

allows me to recall too much of the past and who I used to be begins to surface enough for me to notice, not to mention be concerned. I still have the t

matter, so yeah. Guilty secret: I type to that account sometimes. I say all the thing I wish I could tell him, but know are better left unsaid. Cause he

l......
there's so much left unsaid.
Would anybody miss me? If I died soon.. I think I wouldn't mind if people saw my entries on here. It wouldn't really

I'm slightly worried that I could die. Just a little. Took way too much aspirin....
Okay, I'm more concerned than I let on.
I said my good-byes, yet stil

Wow, this sucks.

I'm really depressed and would just LOVE to bleed to death right now. Seriously. I think I will.

"The mirror is shattes", I wrote in a period of incoherency. Most of the memories of yesterday are gone, and for whatever I can recollect, I'm not sure if they're real or not. Put together all the things I wrote, and I wonder if my intention had been to write some abstract poetry oo; I completely disassociated from myself. Luckily I'm not an idiot, even when I'm not at home inside my head. It's still a little strange to hear myself talk.. But what in the world was I thinking?
I don't want to take a risk like that ever again... Or maybe I do.. But the result was more than what I had expected. I should tell my parents I had 5 dollars left. That way I can have fun again....... But it's best of I have a trip sitter next time x3 Coulda been waaay dangerous. My stomach is kinda bleeeeh. But after 80mg of addy, and the other stuff..yeah, it should. Welp, I got my trip and I'm happy. For science~!

Someone said the only way they could scratch their head was by reaching they're arm around and over. Wanted to bring chris a souvenir for his birthday.phone started vibrating for no reason. Stared blankly into space and did not want dinner. Thought i saw peopl when i didn't. Kept glancing around, in and out of conciousness. Here random static and high pitched buzzing. Heard low pitched the first day. Into the sunset. Jimmy *bam* scoffing. Digga digga dut, dut digga digga. Half the trees aren't real. Reflection is mirror of the soul. Window=eyes. Come on... Let's go to the indy car drive ride guys. How could we not use ! Broccoli pave the road.. Veins are snakes. There's too many giggles over here. Shillings, she's not listening, tch. *tut* voices cryyyyy... Tell me, tell me the truth about my youth.. Weave in out in out... Plastic bad rustles "madonna". Ringing = echolocation of treasure ches. Space travel. For pizza, TAKE A BATH. Cemetary. Real log homes.. Logic? Insect repellants, tree split down the center. Shampoo is our talentshow. Giant toothpicks snapped broken pencils. World is collapsing. Genesis. Concave explosions. Threatening menaces, entities, those trees.... All of them are tilted torwards me. Crowded race track. So if you buy two vegetable credits osh potch.

It feels weird, cause I'm disconnected, and we see a dead guy lying on the front~~
of me. I'll make a souvenirs

I've been losing my rationality and logic

It'sgetting harder to be in control now. Slower, like before

Mingusunderdog@gmail.com

Wow.. i'm really up in the middle of nowhere... Nobody has noticed much, except for maybe my roomate. I took about 12 motion sickness pills. And like Around 14 pills of dmx. It is cool

The gateway to the soul..

Eyes; They say you can tell many things about a person just by looking at them. It's true. Microexpressions, and things like that, but in my case my eyes sold me out today. I was in the middle of writing a poem as my friend sat next to me, and though I was almost fully absorbed in writing it, I couldn't help but notice the way she was watching my facial expression. I paused for a second, and asked "What does my facial expression look like right now?" ..I knew how I felt, but what did she see?
"You look empty.."
"Like I have a hole?"
"Kinda, but it's a sad type of empty, like the look on your face was blank but you were deeply hurt.."

I was pretty surprised my eyes could say so much. It's true, I felt empty. The equivalent to the loss of a loved one. And here is how the poem read:

Sound is shifting all around me

so many thoughts shape my surroundings

and my soul passes the edge of change

as intentions and feelings rearrange

I watch you study the look on my face

but the sight of this sent my mind into space

because my artistic depiction of who you were

has left this world as an unsettling blur

your eyes decieve your sly innocence;

to you, my ambiguities less than makes sense

from me, a mix of expression pours out

still, their true stems I fearfully doubt

Those following monthes my fears were depleted

and my old insecurities were torn to pieces

the way you lead me across stark nightmares..

new peace caught my heart; unaware,shocked,unprepared.

Slowly, we eased out of their expectations

and carved our hand-made portrait

with tools of love, and passion made to last

eager dreams singing how these days would never pass

Again now I'm sitting, just alone with memories

A hidden admirer, found way too forgiving

after those words caused the clock to start ticking;

each stolen glance settled on what the future was bringing

New uneasyness distorted our perception of fate

seperating our bond, once built through mere faith

we played the cards we were given

but only ended up as their victim

Now, though I wish I could reclaim the day,

we're too well aware that things can't be the same

I study your eyes, which you don't see

You're lost to me here, but we'll meet again in dreams.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

My status on 4/1 and 4/2..

Well, I'll write this entry I found in my journal, logged on the first. It caught my attention, and I think it's interesting:
4/1

My speech was odd, though I dismissed.
Dismally, I don't need this.
So why? Why now; why today?
Why must I reside in this state?
There's so much to gain, with more to lose.
I have some forks, my path I must choose.
A tuning fork with two prongs,
success or much less.
Regardless I can make one sound,
then lost faith must be found.
Security in each mordern day obscurity;
I guess that's the style in which I walk,
and the strength I lack in the way I talk.
Not quite a shock.
I'll reach in my mind and remove it's block.
It's hindering me now;
I need to know how to escape this place,
emitting and aura of grace before it's too late
and I ran the race, and lost in my own due pace.
~~~~~

It wasn't my intention to write a poem. It just kinda came out that way.
4/2:

"I can't stop thinking about it. Those times; my dream. Him. I'm so hurt. So sad inside.. There's an unresolved conflict that has settled in my chest. Nobody knows or suspects a thing. But I'm falling. Again! With no one on my side except my heart's lost desires."

Today is a day for standardized testing. I finished mine what seems like forever ago. So yeah, I'm blogging in school. It saves paper, and presently there's nothing better to do. Maybe I'll have to reorganize the entries later, but w/e. I'm pleasantly surprised that I'm not having any ptsd type symptoms.. Oh HELLZ YEAH! Time to play speed~

Thinking about this last summer and the beginning of the year. It all seems like it was so recent, yet distant.. As if those times were followed by a gap in the space-time continuum. I can barely remember *him* being a part of my life at all then, though it's a perculiar feeling because I know he truly had been. And at the time it was still a major part, at that. I was pretty much a different person, but the change came somewhere between then and now; that part I can't distinctly recall. And I know that it's probably something best left in my buried memories. Surely they are laced in pain, as the stitches would unravel by the mere recollection. Now that he's out of my life, I have been much more successful in my many endeavors.. He had just been a hindering force, and a poison to my mind. Isn't this type of drama what we were cautioned of through t.v.? Where have we gone wrong, repeat past mistakes for the sole purpose of allowing them to be viewed with our own eyes as misfortunes unfold..

Silently, I've been shaken. Loudly, I've been disturbed..

God... I can't stop. Matters are stretching past my arms reach as all my faith in myself now lays in tatters. I'm a disappointment even to myself as my life ebbs and flows out of a new wound. I guess there is never an end to my pain, and I don't want to stop... I can't. Nothing was learned, and all this was a waste. This was my solemn lost lesson.

~~~~~~~~
I'm doing so badly right now. I don't know how much blood I lost..

But it was enough to make me sick and feel like crap. It's going to be a long night. Why must I go through such a rigorous hell? My own mind is relentless. Was it because of my anti-depressant..?

Well, I'm not really quite sane yet. If you could see me, you would just know. No need for an exchange of words....

Decisions... Too many.. I need to get my footing back before I slip over the edge forever...

I wish I could calm down, but there's such a profound restlessness bustling in the air that I know it's not but a cry in vain. Vein, that I wish I had the will to drain. My appearance has changed, and in some ways I have, too. But the look in my eyes that I cannot hide most definetly remains the same. People ignore it, like I wish I could when I recall my own reflection. The burning gaze is etched into my soul; an infection, slowly consuming the vitality with a wall of stone. Nothing enters or escapes. If I were to pray, what could I say? Please help me get past this day, and guide me, as not to be lead astray? Give my life direction.. Point me in the right way so I can try throw down the best effort I may? I know not where to turn to in my time of grievance, so in the light of my darkness, I wish to repent.. For all my sins, those subtle lies I've kept buried within, and those unresolved conflicts I'd cast into boundless wind, as the world subsequently inhereted my heavy burdens. The race to escape the inevitable that no trialed soul can win.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think I maybe.. should start praying. Or put my faith in a greater force. I try to handle too much on my own.. When things occur for reasons outside my understanding. If I recognize something that is above me, such as god, then I am acknowledging the existence of the unknown. That makes me less ignorant, and makes it so I can't blame myself for every little thing that goes wrong in my life. And it gives me an answer to those things I couldn't possibly explain. There.. just are some things that are above myself. And things happen because everything in the world occured percisely as it did to make it. The workings of the world that is out of the reach of my influence still can effect my life. And I take whatever situation that is given to me, and I respond in whatever way I choose. Life is not good or bad, or fair, but it's what I decide to define any of those things. And whatever I choose to make it, I can try to keep it that way or change the situations around me into how I would like them to be. The latter and the former both give me purpose in my life, but each path will bring unique benefits and consequences. I can't remain static, because my surroundings evolve around me constantly. So I need to choose my path, and feel no remorse.

I understand now..

I have been conflicted over the contradicting aspects of my personality, but the choice is mine. I need to choose now what part will control and shape who I am, and who I will become. And whichever way I choose, I need to accept the positive parts, as well as shortcomings. Maybe this is why the question,"Who are you?", struck such a chord. I can be more than one thing, and I CAN continue to be this way, but it will only bring me unhappiness in the future. I need to prioritize. Deja vu.. I think this was a part of my dream:

I was in a war zone in medieval times, where there were giants, bugs that we smaller than giants, then humans. It was like a hierachy.. Me and the others were scurrying away like the ants that were chasing us. Then it switches to the fox and the hound... I was the fox, trying to find shelter in the winter. There was a porcupine and a hedgehog, and the porcupine shared the tree hole. For some reason there were soda cans in the hole, as well. Then it shifts to a jungle. Me and a group of people are lost. Somehow I am the tour guide, but am also being lead on a tour. Kinda like how the subconcious works, methinks. Anyways, then I pull out my cellphone and try to use a gps. Then it turned into a computer and me and another were using the internet to learn about the plants. Then we all started eating random plants. We eventually pass a bunch of vines and see a shining light which signified a doorway. We pass through the doorway and I am 5, and my grandmother is standing next to me. We are in a field of flowers, including many dandelions (in the seed pod form). The rest of the tour people are leaving, and for some reason it seems like I am on a school field trip. My grandmother urges me to come along, but I run over to look at a specific flower. It lies on a ledge, but I get distracted by a brook. The brook has very clear water and I look up and see a waterfall pouring into it. I quickly dip into the water after seeing my reflection, then hurry along to catch up to my grandmother. We exit through another doorway into a mixture of a train station and boating dock. My grandma has to board the ferry/frieght train, and I start crying because I'm not going with her. I'm supposed to exit out the door on my left, on my own. But my grandma would be leaving forever, and I knew this. In real life, she was died when I was 5. It was a sad dream.. We said our goodbyes, and I woke up with a distinct sense of melancholy... It is said that dreams are deeply rooted in our subconcious thoughts and desires.. As I looked up the symbolism on www.dreammoods.com, I found the symbolism was remarkably similar to my previous writings, yesterday and today, regarding mental unrest; specifally the reasoning and logic behind it.

Anyways, I'm done for the night. I hurt myself, and need to heal.

Please, excuse me as I take the time to contradict myself...

Motivational push? Ah ha ha.. ha. That lasted like a day. Guess what? I'm already hurtin' again. Not that it matters to anyone or the world but I just want to SCREAM my thoughts onto this page. I've been down and again, with breakdown-
a pause, and another breakdown.
I've spent the time trying to forget certain parts of my past but they won't leave me. I keep deluding myself, thinking I'm okay when my hearts knows the only thing that's going on is the suppression of my emotions. The numbing of my soul. I can't take this feeling much longer. I know I'll change. But I know I'll change again after that. I know it's a cycle; a circle. Just like everything else. I just want that cycle to stop? Is that too much to ask..? 'Cause if it is, I can always make it happen myself. The good is barely worth the wait. And that thought, it's all I have right now. The wait, and the struggle. Should I keep on now, for the possibility of tomorrow? So I laugh through words. Doesn't seem like they could know the difference between my petty sarcasm muffled through raw emotion and a simple light-hearted chuckle. They know not what I have, and all it is that I lack. Though through this print I don't care to filter. Emotion drips from my fingertips, in a way I hope won't short-circuit my means of communication;the only ounce of honesty I have left with myself. And I don't care.. I don't...
What consequence any of my actions I take now might have.. I don't care.
I can't care, because I can't see. Can't see anything past this day.
And I want to fly, and soar past this pain.
But I know the future lies so far away...
I don't want to believe this is my fate,
nor do I want to succumb to hate
that I tend to feel towards myself
that can only deplete what's left of my health
Please, somebody grab my hand
and save me from this place.
I'm drowning, leaking tears of scattered grace.
This feeling.. what can I do to prove
it's all for the better with so much to lose.
As I'm left with no one to share
all these burdens I ineffectively bear.
So I don't know where to turn
to explain how no lesson has truly been learned
~~~~~~~~

People change quickly, along with their surroundings. I am living evidence of this fact. Here I am, a little over an hour later, with a new mentality that was brought with a wave of relief. The tension within me, in part, had been released. And it was certainly something I did need.
I've been withholding truth from myself for too long, and so the expected occured. Yes, it was expected, though not necessarily by myself in that time frame. So yes, I am back. Established, and redundant; it is so. And when I say those words I may mean something other than the obvious, because I really believe you can return mentally, emotionally, and physically, at different times altogether. And emotionally I may have previously been lead astray.
My abstract perception of my reality makes for a crude fuel of alienation. The portal to solitary confinement. But who, at those times, are the distorted entities?\/\/\/\/
~~~~~~
What's happening to me..? Another instance of my chemical sanity diffusing before my eyes? This can't be me. I'm losing myself too frequently now.. And maybe it's all me, but... I'm so confused in the ways that I change so drastically. I remain even a mystery to myself. Vision keeps shifting in and out.. what is this all about? Well, I know. Reopened wounds show no mercy; Granted leeway to move torwards the closest absolute. To all else, these thoughts may be rendered incoherent, and the effort to escape the pattern is to much.~~~~
I can't let people see me being so pessimistic, with such a lack of control. Just when I thought everything was beginning to thread together, it all starts to spin apart.. Or it probably already was, I just couldn't take the time to notice, but it's something I've feared. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to scream for help, and the other part laughs, with the remark "Who?"..
I'm not sure if I'm losing time, or if time just lost me. Or even if the tracks are in the process of derailing, ironically, with that thought being the most sensible. Maybe it'll just stop. Part of me has to complicate things for the pleasure of a challenge, and the other part screams in frustration because it just gave it's all to clean up the last mess that was made. I don't want to level out, and I don't want to be inclined in one way. I don't want anything at all. But even that's wanting something. And I don't want something, and I'm so frustrated with life. With myself! Why can't I just be happy with what I have, and calm down instead of being pressed over the edge with such force. I just want to fall over. Fall over, or for it to stop. Not in between, goddd... It's the worst thing anyone could imagine. Torture! I'm being tortured! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh.............
I want to just break my head open or something at times like this where.. Pain can only help.

Whoa, Damn.

That was quite scary yesterday. Obviously I'm alive.. but... or am I? Lol, anyways. That was pretty much.. hell all over again. Eh, I don't even want to talk about it. Er, type about it. Ah, but you know those near death experiences. They always end up giving you a motivational push.

Oh God..

I think.. I could die. From a liver failure.. I took way too much hydrocodone-5mg ones. Like 7 or something. I didn't realize how little it would take to cause a liver failure.. Fuck. I think I could die. I really could. Well.. I guess I'm just going to do the same thing I've always done at times like these. Sit it out and pray. I'm stupid. Really, a fucking dumb ass. Ignorance. It very well may be the death of me. Also stubbornness.. unwillingness to ask for the help I need for the sake of pride. Forgive me everyone.. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do this.... There's so much I need to do. I'm afraid to sleep.. With the fear of never again waking up. My god, I'm so sorry. I wish I could tell them how sorry I am. Everybody.. All the people I've hurt in the past. J.R., my family, my friends. Everyone. Everyone I could hurt through my death. I don't want to die.. Oh.. The way I've been thinking about it.. I should have taken it more seriously. I should have known it was more than mere thoughts.. They were.. preceding something. Like they always had. Will this all have been for nothing? Please.. don't let it be. I've been so blind. Just in case.. the combination for lock of the suitcase is 38-14-0. Just in case. Even if it means nothing to anyone.. it's there.



It.. can't end. I.. really have too much to live for. So much I could do. So much to say..... Oh........

What can I do?

Take my adhd medication and stay awake as long as possible.

I think that's what I'll do. Now I have a reason to fear sleep.

I don't know if it will effect me worse.

I remember being in this place mentally.. not fun.

Thinking I'm going to die.. reliving all those mistakes you wish you could take back, but know you can't.

It's an awful place to be.

Trapped in suspended space.



But I feel fine right now. I feel no fear. I don't think I will die. It can't be so. And even if it was, I can never know what effect it may have on those around me. It could be something really astounding; the way everyone realizes how short life is and how we should appreciate those moments of bliss. Seize everymoment and learn to live because every moment of fleeting conciousness is a gift.

No- I will be okay. I can feel it in my bones, and the very essence of my soul. I will return~!

I.. think I..

..may like him. It's probably too soon to tell, but there's a person in one of my classes who.. well, he was in such pain. His girlfriend broke up with him today and he was so depressed.. It hurt my heart as well. I knew what he was going through emotionally, and how he felt, and I guess that's probably what hurt the most. To know that one of my friends had to go through that.. so I wrote a letter. It was intended to be inspirational and touch his soul, and at LEAST to break through to him and let him know that he's cared for an deserves better, but I don't know how he's going to take it. All through class, I found myself staring at him. Thinking about him, how is was, how he is, and how I feel. How he made me feel, and why I feel this way after not feeling an emotion of another so strongly since.. him. He was wounded. They both were. I, also wounded, could see them. If I'm to be stuck like this, I'll at least try to make sure others aren't in the same dilemna. But he's polite. Polite, and in some ways mature. And I'm envious of his charisma and optimism. I guess I'll see what happens tomorrow..

On perspective..

It's interesting; the rate at which these thoughts are whirling through my head. My main frustration being that there is no way I can communicate them at the equivalent rate that they are being conjured. I know the research I'm doing- the thoughts I'm having, are well beyond my years. I look around and see people walking around with no apparent burdens, and others who catch my attention. I can read into their.. I guess what some would call auras.. and tell usually when something is bothering them, if they have a complex, and things like that. Many people find it easy to talk to me, and have told me so. I know now why I would become so frustrated and depressed. People would never see me the way that I can see them. They couldn't tell when something was wrong or if I was acting differently. I thought they were ignoring me. But.. now I know it's just because they genuinely couldn't tell.

~~~MY YOUTUBE COMMENTS~~~
"Just because I don't call myself "religious" doesn't mean I don't share some of the same values as you do. But I differ in opinion on some topics. Besides, your standards are what you make them. Who is to say one set of values are better than any other? No, I do not steal, do drugs, or anything like that. I don't lie, and I don't take pleasure in hurting people, but that does not make me religious. And not being religious does not, in turn, make me a bad person. Please try to understand this :\ "

"is this.. what you think any person who isn't religious is? There are so many people like me who lead happy, fullfilling lives and reach a state of complete harmony and equilibrium with their persona and environment without believing in god. I'm speaking as an agnostic. I am not cold; I am warmed through the love and caring I bring others and they return to me. I am not lonely, for my friends stand stongly by my side, accepting me for who I am. I am not unhappy; as I happily live with purpose "

"And I, finally, am not hopeless, as I look to the future with eager eyes, wide open and in detered in my pursuit of personal fulfillment. I look forward to the truth, with the hope that it will one day be known to me. Still a child, I am able to continue grasping the concept the my potential yields no limits. Nothing in the present is fixed, and I know I will always have the passion to burn on. There will always be more than judgement. So much more.."

"There is a quote: "Did God create man, or did man create God?" which refers to this idea. Not literal, of course. It's all about what we, personally, choose to believe. Everyone needs to just sit back and take the time to understand that there is really no "right or wrong", here. No "Good and Evil". In the eyes of an evil-doer, their deeds are good and the deeds of a good-doer are evil. So don't you see? Nobody, and EVERYBODY is wrong. it's all the same. Believe what you believe. peace, J.G."
~~~

Those are my opinions anyway. Why is it so hard to find people these days who care about these things and are in my age range..? Or even who are older. Generally, it's just hard to find people who care about the topic at all. It's sad. Is it because they think there is no answer, and just have accepted it? Or is it not a priority to them?

My parents were discussing how it's wrong that I don't dislike anybody, and it's a matter of immaturity.. But really? Does my incapacity for hatred make me immature, or does it make me pure? I realize people are the way they are for a reason, and I try to think that everything has purpose in my life. That is why I can't hate. If someone does something that hurts me, in the end it makes me a stronger, more mature individual. And for this, I thank them. All the annoying people in the world are also placed in my life with purpose, which is to test my self-control and patience. My life is a grand pursuit of knowledge. I search out the things most people wish not to know. I fear know truth, and believe nothing is better left unsaid, and I hold nothing against anybody. This may sound insensitive, but if I lost the most significant person in my life, I would call it a blessing. Not because I want to lose somebody, but because of the way it would effect me. If I lost EVERYTHING, I wouldn't be sad. There is a benifit from every thing that ever happens in your life. All these other things.. money, belongings, they're all superficial. There's more to life.. So long as I have my mind, I can't be broken. Nobody can take this from me.

Why is it that intelligence so often walks hand-in-hand with insanity? Maybe it's because some people are better at hiding their true self, and recognizing just what it is that crosses the line between sanity and becoming eccentric. Some people just are not ready or mature enough to understand different perspectives, and some never will. I have defied the odds set against me, and will continue to previal in my quest of purpose. I know I need to step up and make a difference now, and take advantage of my youth and ability. One can never know when things will change. And maybe I am not special at all, but what sets me apart from others is my willingness to take the initiative to utilize my potential. Maybe I should start a seperate blog with the sole purpose of noting any discoveries or ideas I have chanced upon in my mind. I've always had this sense that I am meant for something big.. something great. Call it grandiose thinking. Maybe it is, but it is irrelevant. I will become accomplished. I will reach self-actualization! Even if it means surpassing the limits perscribed to me.

My main problem is that I have no idea where to begin. I have the answers, but a lack of questions. So much information but.. no obvious use... hmm.. okay, let's try the topic of Nature Vs. Nuture

Nature Vs. Nuture

I believe these both have a significant influence on the developement of personality. Nature determines our physical make-up, while environment sets a sense of drive. If people in the surrounding environent are less motivated, then the person, unless exposed to some outside ideology, is more inclined to take on that type of attribute. People are all quite individualistic, for the most part; however, it is much easier to follow a preset way of acting and etc. as we take on a sense of security in groups. It makes many people uncomfortable to stand on the opposing side of a majority. And because of this, there is a fear of non-conformity, even because of societies stress on the importance of material values. But at the same time, we each have the ability to step up and disagree with something if we feel a strong enough dissonance in our way of living. We, as humans, generally don't like to be wrong or be disproved, so we like to assume we are wrong when contradicted by a majority. The way nature plays into this is because people discriminate or treat people differently, stereotyping based on genetic dispositions and reputations. For example, the black population may be given different expectations from the eyes of society based on racial discrimination or generalization, and after being told they are less likely to suceed, may feel less confident in their abilities and accept the stereotype instead of fighting against it. Yet other disagree so strongly with the stereotype that they do everything in their power to overcome it, and try to help others understand that it's something they shouldn't accept. I am an adopted caucasian child into a racially mixed family. Each member is of a different race. I know if I was not born white, I would be presented with a different environment and be treated differently by peers, and even fit in to a different social clique, holding true to different values and standards. But at the same time, if I wasn't a part of my family, I would also have a different group of friends, and be a completely different person. Even though I disagree with my family on many issues, it was in that environment I learned to disagree. I learned at young age that people are different, maybe because of our different biological features. I discovered that much in the way our skin was different, our minds we different as well. Even if we grew up in the same home, the way we each responded to different situations was unique. Because of what we experienced in our mind, and in our environment, we made different decisions. As long as I have been able to, I have tried to look at as many different perspectives as possible. Though some of them had similarities, there are none that are exactly the same. No two people are the same and can agree with each other on every single topic. It's just the way we are.
~~~
I felt I should interject here to mention I am not conciously thinking anymore. If I'm being repetitive or unlogical, I apologize. The point of this now is to realize where my altered state of conciousness carries me. Everything I type is more of a matter of impulse and intuition. This happens sometimes, and afterwards, I fear to read just what it is I have written as I often think my writings are profound, only to discover that they are completely nonsensical. I am in an altered state of conciousness, but I am not under the influence.
~~

Maybe our biological conditions of disorders like depression and bipolar and etc. arise from the emotional stimulus. In otherwords, maybe a low level of serotonin is not the cause of depression, but depression is the cause of low serotonin, and depression is caused by our thoughts. And our train of thoughts is in turn influenced by the initial thought and where we choose to let it lead us. So maybe all a low level or serotonin indicates is the inclination to continue following a train of thought, or shows the path of thought we have chosen. Biological insight may just show what is going on in our mind, not determine what will happen in our mental processes.. Did anyone ever look into this? So maybe when people are experiencing mania, the brain does not first show symptoms, but we first walk down the road and begin to experience the symptoms, only for the brain to then reflect what it is we are currently experiencing. We don't vomit before we start to feel ill, we feel ill then we vomit. We have a sense that we are going to experience something and then it happens. Intuition. The placebo effect. We know before it happens. The thought arises, then the symptom. Because of our beliefs, how much we expect something to occur, it either does or doesn't. Think it will happen, and it very likely will. Think it happened, and it did. Doubt it happened, then it might have. Doubt give leeway to rationality. Without assuming, we leave room for possibilities, and the chance to rule out the least rational choice. But insanity is an extreme lack of doubt. Beliefs that are so fixed that no outside force can change them. And overbundance of confidence. This is why they say the first sign of insanity is denial, but then insanity isn't really insanity. It's just a mental rigidness.. It's not the inability to see another perspective, it's the choice to believe the one they do see. If I want to believe I was god, nobody but myself can disprove this idea. They can use any logic they want to disprove me, but I don't have to listen to them or even believe logic is real. I could believe this is all a dream, and people could preach it's not a dream every day for the rest of my life and I could ignore them and die thinking it was all a dream and no one could prove me wrong until after I'm "dead".
~~~
Right now I am treading a thin line. I recognize my thoughts are not using controlled logic, and very well could be(and probably are) blasphemy. But my willingness to doubt myself as opposed to simply running with a train of ideas, accepting them all as what must be truth is wearing thin. It's hard to keep two seperate senses of concious running simultaneously without one overshadowing the other. Or without losing yourself to the prevailing sense. It's exceedingly difficult... my lack of communicating my ideas is begining to wear me down. I don't even know why it's so taxing.......
~~~

It's been a nice day.

Despite an incredibly stressful weekend, I've had a great day today. I didn't get badgered in band (luckily) and was able to absorb the tranquil atmosphere. The first faces I encountered all wore solemn expressions and were surrounded by a downtrodden aura.. Seeing this in the mood I was in engaged my sympathy. Most reasoned that they were in that state due to sleep deprivation. In my mind I was left to think,"Yeah, I didn't sleep last night either....", but quickly corrected my train of thought to add in the factor that I'm bi-polar. Admittedly, I'm not completely sure if the reason I couldn't sleep last night was due to my medication or simply a state of mental agitation. Regardless, I was in the same boat in that sense.





Anyways, I got a sense that I was being overly enthusiastic in the eyes of some people, and quickly shied away from what I was saying. A energetic mood isn't always appreciated at 8am, 1st period. Both me and my friend A.E. exchanged shifty glances as we continued to observe the way personalities can be twisted because of a lack of sleep. I find myself growing more and more irritated towards those two particular people as their meagerly hidden double edged blade grows sharper and more pristine. I'm sure he has noticed this too; and by that I mean their changes. I could say I don't care, but it would be a lie. At times like this I have to step aside and just think about the general situation. Try to gain some sense of understanding and attempt to find some explanation as to why they have began acting this way. It's my speculation that, in much the same way as they have began to irritate me, some aspect to my behavior has irritated them.





On the opposite spectrum from difficulties in friendship..





I find myself growing closer to another one of my friends. I've found that we have more in common than we initially knew. I have long suspected that there was something about this person that set her apart from others.. and as for what that may be, I've yet to discover. I suppose there is this sense of mystery about her that evokes my curiosity. So then arises the question, "Why?". What is it, I wonder, that I am looking to learn? I want to know what that key is that gives her the feel. What is it that commonly draws me towards that type of person. I know she has problems. I know she has secrets.. And with this knowledge, I have a burning passion to uncover them. The mystery lies in people. The mind, and the sequence of patterns that are correlated with unexplainable occurrences.. There's a greater truth behind it all. There is a greater truth behind me, as well.





~~
J.G. says:
he refuses to do his hw, so my dad said no tv till it's done'
J.G. says:
and he says "I don't know how"
J.G.says:
and so they summon me
J.G. says:
so I am there and willing to help
J.G. says:
and he just say
J.G. says:
"She'll just argue"
J.G. says:
and him and my parents start to argue and I'm just sitting there.

J.G. says:
he just refuses to do it no matter what my parents tell him
J.G. says:
until he was punished for it, then he starts yelling. My mom starts reciting, "Don, I can't take this. I'm going to have to go in the other room, this is too much."
~~

This is what's happening now. I've become so accustomed to it that it doesn't even phase me anymore. So I just ignore it and continue to recluse into my room, hacking away at my keyboard. My sanctuary. Left alone with my print, in my hand the power to direct my flow of thought. To delete- baaaccckkkkssppppaaaaacceeeeee. To eliminate my mistakes, just like that. And to communicate the words as was always intended. It's like cheating, really. But it's so impersonal, it doesn't even matter. I've read two quotes that contradict each other. One stating that writers are erratic thinkers, while the other states writing is a form of organized thinking. I say that it must then be safe to assume it is dependent on the person writing and the state of mind. I don't conciously try to watch what I say usually, though I do when I'm in a perfectionist's mood. Mainly when I'm at risk of being judged. I feel only a little of such a pressure here. Still, there's that subconscious motive.. a small, unspoken fear. It's irrational and harasses and impedes my flow, telling me that they'll lable me a failure. Again. Will I ever be able to let that go?



As for other things..



Relationships-

Don't want one right now. I just don't. I don't like anyone that much, I don't want the physical aspect. I don't. I'm certain A.F.(not A.E.) likes me. I know S.H. likes me. C.T. prolly still likes me. I don't even CARE if anyone else likes me. I don't want to know.. I don't want to be with any of them. I just want to be left alone. My life is great how it is, I don't want change.Oh, can't forget J.S. He's got the most potential out of any of them right now, honestly. He's one person I know truly cares about me; probably more than anyone I've ever known. I just like being in relationships where I know the other will remain committed. After my dad.. the way he acts, and the things he did... yeah. I know how guys can be. Horrible. Sometimes I just want to be left alone.. So here I am. Alone and perfectly satisfied.



I find myself repeating that "It's okay, I'm used to it. I don't mind. etc.", but is it really? I can't know yet, but in the past when I questioned it I was left in a pit of depression. I will just accept the I feel okay, and that it doesn't bother me, and that I don't need to understand why in this case. It just is. No use for rationalizing.. I've been doing fine.



I wonder if my parents are as stupid as I think they are. Everybody has knowledge, but each individual choses how to put it to use. I don't doubt that they have been exposed to more things than I, especially since they've been around for at least 40 years longer. So how do they underestimate me so..? Why do they think the ways they do, and how much of their actions are based around denail? And how much do they truly know about who I am, my multiple masks, facades, and cherades? Do they pretend to be less intelligent and not utilize their true knowledge? If they knew..
~~
Wow. I totally just made a profound connection.

"Until two years ago, our world was primarily a 3D based reality.� It had three dimensions to it�time, space and form.� That gave us a world of polarity, duality, opposites�good or bad, black or white.� But recently, our world has opened up, adding new dimensions to our living reality.� Generally, we�ve moved from polarity into paradox�a space where all truths are true, where two apparent opposites can co-exist as exactly right and true at the same time.� As we learn to play in these new frequency ranges, we discover that every single thing that happens to us has multiple interpretations. �And every one of these interpretations is very likely true. �How could that be?�, we initially wonder.� But as we play with it, we discover the freedom to be, to expand and to connect with the potential of every situation rather than be in reaction to it."�


J.G. says:
that we each, after being exposed to the concept of multiple perspectives, are faced at forks in defining our opinions, and to make what we want out of any situation as it is neither good, nor bad, but both.
J.G. says:
both and neither
J.G. says:
are the same, not opposites oo

~~~~~~
Then follows a biiiiigggg long heated argument about the purpose of life. With S.H. of course. His mentality leads to depression, claiming the purpose of life is to reproduce, though I am having sucess in diffusing that "fact", as he put it.

Ash-coated forehead contrasting a pale illuminance

Today was Ash Wednesday, a significant day in the Christian perspective. In all honesty, I'm and not an actively religious person; yet today was an exception as I entered the church as admired the stained glass' resplendency as the light filtered through and showered the pews. I couldn't help but be struck in a state of awe at the scene and the aura surrounding the place. It was captivating and absolutely beautiful. Despite the fact I'm not very religious, I felt inclined to pay more effortful attention to the lesson wanting to be taught to me. I was curious just what all these people were buying into that made christianity so believable, though I had some theories. The teaching for the day was not to make a big scene about religious obligations or duties such as praying, and I THINK they were trying to encourage altruism, but they were going about it all wrong.. The preacher would say things such as,"Do not scream your prayers at a corner, but instead pray alone in your room. God will reward you for those acts in which only he is aware." Reward..? Bad. Wrong. This is why I don't agree with these religions. The idea of acting a certain way for a reward (heaven) completely conflicts my beliefs. In my opinion, people should act on what they KNOW to be right in their hearts and not because of some outer reinforcement. There shouldn't have to be an award for that besides the feeling. If people are going to pray, I agree with how they said about doing it in a secluded area though. Why make a scene? If there is a god, the communication should be directed torwards him alone in my opinion. Otherwise it just seems like everybody is trying to earn the praise of observers instead of trying to make a genuinely heartfelt connection >.> Well.. secretly I pray alone.. If there's a god out there... I want him to know I'm thankful. If things hadn't happened in my life exactly as they did then I am certain I would not be the same person. This may seem strange, but more than anything I thank him for the pain and difficult times. It's those parts of my life that have had the most influence on me, and it was those events that educated me and let me piece together all I know today. So from time to time, even if I'm not 100% certain God exists, I project my heart into the air. I would let the world know I appreciate life. But this all leads me to wonder..
How is god? If he's everywhere, then doesn't that mean he knows our intentions? If he hears our prayers directed torwards him from our thoughts, he must know why we do the things we do as well. I sometimes do things that contradict both society's and Biblical standards, but it's always with purpose. I do what I know I need to, and usually what feels right in my heart. And I wonder what would happen if somebody accidentally murdered someone. Would they be condemned to hell? Should a relative of the deceased be given the choice, they would more than likely give them damnation. Just the same as people would give the death sentence :\ But.. if God knows it wasn't at all premeditated.. shouldn't he forgive? Well, pressuming the person who commited the crime asks for forgiveness and recognizes that they did something wrong. But hey, even if they didn't, is it really THEIR fault? Maybe it just indicates they have a different perspective or are ignorant. Maybe they just haven't reached a given developemental stage, or maybe they didn't possess the ability to feel remorse. If there's a reason for everything, why would anybody be sent to hell? If everybody becomes who they are through what they experience then I think that it pertains more to fate. But that's a pretty scary concept to juggle.. because would that mean I have no control of my life? Does that mean I'm not unique? Is the act of making choices and image of "self" all an illusion? I believe everybody is given choices, but the problem is we have no idea where those choices are necessarily going to lead. But then again, some people take risks knowing possible consequences may result. Still, nobody expects consequences to occur necessarily. >.<; What a mental trap! Well, I'll continue to believe nobody is really right or wrong.. But I won't deny that stubbornly ignorant people who refuse to see any other point of view annoy me. And this is why there will always be war. Some people absolutely refuse to change, and sometimes those people clash in ideals. I really hope those people hurry up and kill each other ;D >.> lol. Okay, that was kinda cruel but I'm just so sick of arguing. Does it really matter? But I loathe even more the people who try to force their opinion on others.. gawd. They must be so.. I don't even know. I shouldn't really say anything since I hold a pretty strong conviction on what should be right and wrong myself. I may as well just tell myself "Let it go and be the more mature person." But on the contrary, I doubt I'm very mature. I just try to act it..

I'm really in a bind. I've been reconsidering just how I should react to certain things and my ideas on what is true. Maybe I tried to mature too quickly? Or maybe I'm just doubting that I'm strong enough to stand by what values I represent through my actions. Hmm.. I'll just keep trying my hardest I suppose. Anyways, yay for rambling~!

Hidden Feelings..(2/2/09)

Honestly, I keep having thoughts of suicide and acting on impulses that I know would not be good for my health. I've had reccurent thoughts for awhile, but a lot less frequently than they use to occur. Who can I talk to about this? I can't talk to my friends about it.. Not my parents or really anyone. Should I just write about those thoughts and try to keep it to myself? I don't see many options. This kinda of depression is different, if it can be considered depression. In comparison to my previous form of depression, with this kind, I always feel on edge. I feel like I could fall over in any moment and shatter completely; permanently. I will overcome this somehow. I refuse to just give up.. I've come too far. I have too much potential. I can't let things bring me down to the floor and past.I just gotta keep treading.. forever..? I imagine that during times like this, people are far more likely to kill themselves; after a implied recovery. I wish the relapse rate for Bipolar people wasn't so damn high. But I HAVE to stick around. I can do so much good. So it hurts. So it sucks. So I have no energy. So what? I've been through worse. I can handle the thoughts now, no matter how unrelenting they may be. I won't just tuck tale and flee from my problems.
~~~
I should really stop taking additional meds to help me sleep. It fucks with my breathing and heartbeat pretty badly. I swear, if I keep this up I'm going to kill myself eventually. I need to stop.Yeah, I will. I need to. Do I have a problem and I'm just in denail? Well, I'll stop intentionally and see if I relapse or not. Holy shit, my veins are huge. My lungs feel heavy. ..POSSIBLE CONGESTIVE HEART FAILURE?! FUCK. I need to stop today. Get the hell off those meds and stay off.



~~~

Damn, I honestly am stressed about the possibility of having cancer. If I do have it, I know I deserve it though. It's my fault for not valuing my life more... This was the one place I could be honest.. without fear of criticism. I didn't have to lie to myself here, but can I even do that anymore? I can't help but wonder if it will have all amounted to nothing in the end. All this pain, this struggling, and pushing.. it can't have all been for nothing! Right in this moment I hate being human. Frail and vulnerable.. susceptable to death;any sudden seizure of a flaming spirit as it is choked in darkness. I remember before what it felt like when I was certain I would never wake up again. So many times I could have died indeed. Am I sitting here wasting my life? Will anyone miss me when it is eventually my time to part? I hope I will have impacted the world for the better. But I don't want to die.. I don't. Just the idea of this all ending at some point... no...

There's a hidden sensitivity within me. No one would expect it. Anything could happen in any second. I know that 10 seconds from now I could die. I will not assume that I won't....

I don't know why I feel like I'm about to die. I don't know D: My heart hurts because of my emotion..

What the fuck?!

I don't know what's up with my head today but I'm being a bitch with what I write. I wrote things that sounded so arrogant that I began to doubt my stability. I'll write things like the following paragraph and completely disregard(until I shift back) that I had really thought any other way. This type of mentality is pretty rare for me.. well, lately it's been more occasional, but generally speaking, it is not the prominent shard of my personality. It's rather shameful, and it leaves me feeling like crap after I realize the things I said, or the way I had become. Unfortunately, it's usually after the point, and it's not like I'm truly so apathetic that I would feel this way 100% but sometimes.. I don't know. I don't know why I become this way. I just know the dominant part of who I am is not this. It has gained control before though.. seized me, but now I have the power. I know this personality shift is all I lie. I DO feel. It's undenailable.. but maybe I don't then. Is this.. DID or something? A split? I just don't like it, but I can't deny it's a part of me....

Earlier today:

I just find guys soo amusing x3

My opinion has been this way since god-knows-when, but the way they act or react to any given situation is HILARIOUS. Not that I'm that different, besides being a girl. My gender identity is pretty evenly distributed between male and female characteristics, making me more tomboy-ish than most girls, I guess. But that's something I wouldn't ever consider changing;not for any person in this god forsaken world! With my actions, intelligence, and the fact that I'm a girl, most fall right into my power. I had explained that I look at life as a game, and I guess I kinda do. It makes me want to scream with laughter when I notice somebody is attracted to me... I don't know why exactly. So many people "like" me, but they don't even know me. Still, it makes me euphoric. I'll admit, I can be manipulative and sometimes play guys' emotions like chess. I can always act ways that I know will make them like me, and yeah, I may want them to like me..but I usually don't. I often don't even like them after they like me, but the fun is in the strategy. Relationships can be sooooo boring. I don't care too much for going out, or long akward silences. I care less for making-out for the sake of avoiding akwardness. Sexual desires. Everybody has them, but the difference between me and others is that I don't let them CONTROL me. I've become attracted to people, yeah, but I only act on it if I WANT to. After I'm in a relationship, of course.. And I guess it's really the only reason I take part in relationships now, anyways. I'm not really too attracted to anyone right now, but it's funny.. after I leave I relationship, I soon start to feel the desire to take part in a new one. I've been in 5 relationships so far. I've never been broken up with. Any emotional empathy I have torwards people I become attracted to has always faded as their quirks began to knaw away at my tolerance. Of course I don't let them know that, either. I'm horrible with communication. Alot of times I'll use some excuse to break up with them, so I don't come across as the complete bitch I am, or incase I ever decide I want to get with them again. It can be painful though. It has been.. I wish I could help them understand that sometimes I just DON'T want to be in a relationship. I really hate it when the attraction fades, and I become attracted to someone else while I'm still in the relationship. It makes me feel like crap. I guess it may always end up like that, no matter who I'm with... It's almost like the only people I become more attracted to are the ones who don't fall for me. The challenge of the game increases, or something along those lines. That must be it, right? It's just that much more fun, chasing what you can't have. You can never get hurt.. well, I take that back. You can at least know that they not just using you. In relationships.. all the relationships I've been in, there's only one I can say that for. Still.. I don't know about that guy.

"I want someone provocative and talkative, but it's so hard when you're as shallow as a shower."



He's shallow in another way. They're all so shallow >.> When will I actually find somebody who doesn't have ulterior motives? They all do. Physical, personal, whatever. I mean that he was using me for the sake of reaffirming his fragile self-esteem and ego. Fishing. Does he know? JP wanted me to break his heart.. Sorry hon, I don't work well in the way of direct aggression of ANY type. I'm more passive. So I said nothing. I just watch; keep to myself. He must think I buy into his little act. Now here's the thing:



..People assume I'M shallow, and that I don't realize all those little acts they put on, just because I don't grant that part of them recognition. They think I'm so oblivious that I can't tell when they're attracted, though I may just be ignoring it, or more than likely playing coy. I'm not THAT ignorant. Oh, I notice. I focus my attention, and take mental notes. And I work with what I know. Having studied psychology so extensively.. I know a bit. Power in the wrong hands? Perhaps. Knowledge is power, though it is a power dangerous to everyone; including those in the pursuit. I have learned that lesson personally. Does love exist? Yeah, I believe so. All I have to do is look around me. Friendships, those little acts of kindness that you know will not result in any personal gains, but you do them for the sake of others. I think that's a sort of love. Maybe it involves a little sacrafice, and NEVER involves ulterior motives, unless it replaces them. I don't really think it has too much to do with physical attraction, but that's just me. I do love. I love humanity, and I want nothing more than to relieve people of any inner war they may be fighting. Having learnt through experience, I do not want others to suffer as I did. I guess even in righteous acts, there is a little bit of selfishness. But hey, I could always have chosen to remain ignorant and act for my own need, alone. I'm pretty damn sure this insight would qualify as "evil", in the eyes of some others.. I don't care anymore what they think. I've accepted now that it's a part of who I am. I kept trying to fight a pointless war against myself, denying a part of who I was, trying my hardest to turn the way and ignore it. You can put on a mask and fool others, but when you lie in bed, in the dark, alone in your room.. you can't lie to yourself. You can try, and hell I did, but it will only result in negative consequences. I tried to cut that part away, minimize it's importance 'til it was out of my sight, but in denail it grows stronger. That part become more rash, and you lose more and more control. When coup d'etat of the soul occurs, it seems like you've lost yourself. But that's only because you were never found to begin with. Self-discovery.. self-actualization. To become a better person, you must acknowledge your flaws. I.. wonder if I will ever find.. the person who is right for me. Who I can genuinely fall for, and trust.. I guess I just have a hard time trusting people. Who won't just leave me after I finally allow myself to fall for them and open up, and truly cares. Damn, why am I thinking about this so much lately? People who are physically attracted to me.. well I can tell when they are, and I can't trust them. I can't trust their intentions. I can't trust myself.

I know it's my past. I have some deeply rooted mental scars, but can I ever learn to move past them? Or will I just stay like this. I've noticed that when I'm listening to music, reading, drawing, I become so absorbed in the activity that I temporarily lose myself.. Why is it that when I come out, I am seemingly a different person?

David: From an outsider's point of view, the negatives of being a
narcissist, the inability to have mature relationships and enjoy life, may sound
bad. But does the narcissist him/herself feel bad about that?
Dr. Vaknin: Recent research
shows that he does (he is ego-dystonic). He interprets away his dystony (=bad feelings), he
invents complex narratives and employs a myriad of defense mechanisms such as intellectualization
and rationalization. In short, he lies to himself and to others, projecting
"untouchability",
emotional immunity and invincibility. However, this is all a facade which cracks
when the narcissist is faced with a real life crisis, as I did.

I have been told I lie to myself, and I can believe it to a certain extent. But it's not conciously. It's only because I don't KNOW the truth, and I mistake what isn't true to be so.

David: Can the narcissist have a meaningful life?
Dr. Vaknin: Frequently Asked Question Number 1... LOL. The narcissist feels
that his life is meaningful as long as his self-deception holds. But when a
narcissistic injury occurs (following the loss of a major source of narcissistic
supply, for instance), the narcissist is faced with the void that is his life:
the empty, dark, all consuming black hole that is at the core of his emotional
apparatus. Life without emotions is artificial intelligence. No wonder the
narcissist compares himself constantly to computers and other automata.

Fucking.. I don't know. This is how I used to be. I used to think I had no emotions.. but when I accepted that I did, they hit me with such force that I nearly took my own life. I used to deny that there were any problems in my life.. In the back of my head, I knew things weren't okay. When things got so bad, I couldn't deny it any more. So I was left with a sudden release of previously supressed emotions. It resulted in me being diagnosed bi-polar, though I admit I revert back to that state occasionally. At times like this. I want the truth..

Dr. Vaknin: FAQ #58 is dedicated to that, and it is a long one. The
narcissist is a master of disguise. He is a charmer, a talented actor, a
magician and a director of both himself and his milieu. It is very difficult to
expose him as such in the first encounter. But here are a few
signs:
1)displays haughty behaviour
2)has a tendency to humiliate,
criticize and belittle others
3)has a tendency to exaggerate, small,
unnecessary lies
4)has a tendency to fantasize about unlimited success
5)brags incessantly, to ignore you, not to listen
6)has a tendency to
idealize you much beyond the call of courtship
7)makes promises which are
incommensurate either with the event, or with his ability to fulfill them
8)has haughty body language

HOLY.. so it's.. okay,
1) yeah, I'm a trumpet. I'm pretty pompous. I'm over-confident.
2)I don't purposely humiliate people unless they piss me off, but the criticize part.. uh, it's part of my responsibility as section leader. Though I use to do it anyway. Belittle? Only do I belittle people in my head. Secretly I think I am better, but I don't act like I think it.
3)I do exaggerate, but it's to.. make it... more..... interesting oO? Er, is exaggerating the same thing as going into intricate detail?
4) Um.. I think I can do anything if I set my mind to it? Is that wrong? -.-
5)Okay, yeah, I brag. Always have, since I was like 3. It's a bad habit. Tendency. Whatever. But I'm really open, and it's hard to keep my happiness about things to myself. :\ If I don't speak about my success, then it's only to make people more interested in asking me if they find out first hand. So I can shrug it off like it's no big deal, and put on the act that it wasn't, when it may have been very difficult for me, let alone anyone else.
6)Uh.. _______. Anybody.. I often will compliment them.. ALOT. More than they deserve. Say that they have alot of potential, they're really good, have improved, or whatever, but it's not sincere. I don't really think they're great, or better than me at all. It's more to falsely boost their self-esteem so that when I take them down, or they fall, they hurt more. In my head, I laugh and laugh and laugh, cause I know they suck. I know I'm so much better, and they probably won't reach the level I'm at in the time they know me. Yeah, I know that's not very nice; again, I don't really care. But sometimes I feel like I meant those things sincerely, and that's the strange part. When I say them, sometimes I am sincere in my intent to make them feel good about themself. I want them to be happy, even if I have to lie to them for it to happen.
7)I've made promises to teachers that I'll complete assignments that I know I'll never finish, set goals for myself that it's nearly impossible for me to technically accomplish, but it increases my motivation to improve. In the end, the goals help me reach farther than I would have naturally.
8)Body language, LOL! I act. I put on a performance with my body language, so anybody who happens to look my way will get a good impression. I try to look awesome. I wonder if it's something that other people constantly take into consideration..

campbet: When
dealing with a person with Narcissistic Personality
Disorder, what tactics
can
be used to make this person take
responsibility for their
actions?
Dr. Vaknin: The narcissist has
alloplastic
defenses.
What this means is that he tends to blame others,
inanimate objects
and
people, for his behaviour. "You made me do it" is
a common sentence or,
"What could I do? I couldn't help it under the
circumstances." He is
superstitious to some extent and paranoid ("The
world/luck is
against
me").
Again, the key is simple: the
narcissist is a
vending machine.
Input
the coins of narcissistic
supply and press the
right button
("responsibility").
Example: the
narcissist made a mistake.
You want him to
acknowledge his
responsibility. Make the mistake GRAND,
unprecedented,
unique,
amazing,
stunning, and the narcissist will
immediately "adopt" it.
Narcissistic supply
can be both negative or
positive. To write the
masterpiece of all time is the
exact emotional
equivalent of writing
the
flop of all time. To be a Hitler is
identical
to being Jesus.
The narcissist
has no moral or emotional preference
between these two.
He just wants to be
considered the unique-est.

Lmao it's so like me to want to be the MOST unique. I don't know if I'd go as far as becoming Hitler. No. I was actually almost gonna put "maybe", but really, nothing to that level of evil. I can acknowledge it was disgusting. Taking lifes.. I think I feel that way. Um.. I don't know what I feel right now besides disconnected. Before I had free written, mind flowing to word processing but......................................................................

I'm stuck in a rut. I don't like this post.. I don't know if I even want to post it, it's that bad. It's not who I usually am. I turn into this awful person sometimes, as this part of me comes forth. But it's not my full intention.. *sigh* But this doesn't mean anything. I also have a bad habit of looking up psychological ailments and somehow relating them to me. If I diagnosed myself, I would probably end up having every possible ailment at one point or another, if not all together; but I know it's not the case.