Hum

Paranoia.. lately I've become increasingly paranoid about the people in my life.. Not that they're plotting against me, but that they all really dislike me.. like I have no real friends in the world. Something keeps reminding me about some of the body language cues I pick up from people that are negative and it's so hard for me to distinguish between what signs are real and which ones I'm only making real. Regardless, the way I do this to myself creates this sense of loneliness that may leave me feeling completely stranded on an island,but surrounded by a sea of people. What is real, what is true? Does everybody hate me? Does everybody talk about me behind my back,saying all the annoying aspects of my personality? When people aren't there or leave, is it because they don't want to be around me most of the time, or do they really just have to go? Is this me personalizing everything again with my stupid depressed cognitive distortions? There's nothing but this booming silence.. I have no idea what to think anymore. I know I've been alternating between depression and hypomania.. maybe even regular mania.. alot, lately. The reason I chose to abandon my mood stabilizer that I was recently perscribed for my insomnia is that it just wasn't working. If anything, it was fogging my conciousness up and covering up the problem so I wouldn't have to deal with it. I don't like running away. I have to confront the problem directly if I'm ever gonna beat this thing, I think. Meh, at times like this I think "And how many more years do I have til this stops?"
I don't like when I'm so negative. I am not a negative person, and I guess that's why this hurts me the most. Depression is a stupid chemical imbalance that truly goes beyond me, yet it makes it so I feel like it's my fault. "If only you were better.."
But it's not my fault D: I try my best.. What more can a person do?
"You could have done better, like when.."
But I'm not perfect..
"You're you, you should be. If you know what you consider perfect, shut up and don't complain."
You're mean,voice in my head..
"Stupid human. Like I care about your petty turmoil."
But I care about my petty turmoil..
"Ha! Like I care about you or what you think."
But you're me...
.....
..............................
~~~
..and so on and so-forth. This is the type of inner-dialogue that will occur with me sometimes and nobody would ever have any idea unless I mentioned I was feeling depressed, which I typically don't. Thank god I have a therapist's appointment tonight. Maybe she can help me feel a little less crappy through talking with her.. If I don't do something and my mood doesn't randomly change soon, I may start isolating myself because.. blarg.. I feel weird. What triggered this in me?
"People always leave you."
...................................I think I may just cry.
Oh.. when I was talking to Essa about what my anon paper was in Psych.. explaining to her why I don't tell people the whole truth about what I've been through,and then when Sara said that anybody who did that was stupid and there were no exceptions.. no understanding them.. well, I made that mistake. I am the one who deserves the heartbreak and to be condemned, I guess.. but to her it makes me subhuman. To her,this part of me is unacceptable and she is my friend.. this part of me is my past and it is something that cannot be changed. If I told everybody the truth about what things I've been through and done, would I be left with nobody? Will my mental illness leave me completely and utterly alone in the end? Is it my fault,and do I deserve it?

Her:"It still hurts me.. how nice you always are."
Him:"You're like a disease. Everyone you surround yourself with suffers."

Is.. is it true? If I cause people pain.. oh damn, herewegoagain..
If I cause people pain, why should I even bother living? Even if I cause them pain through my death, then the amount of pain I caused them through living would be substantially more in the long run and I would probably hurt so many more people and not even know because they're too polite to tell me, yet there I am leaving suffering in my wake. Here I am, not doing anything about it. Damn,damn,damn,damn,damn,damn, this same stupid trap that I've gotten into so many times before. Make it stop .T~T.