Scrawled words unspoken.

Today during class I was looking at my old journal.. and it's sad how many entries there were basically things I wish I could have said, but never could. Things I wanted people to know, but they never did. Even to this day..
Some I intended to share, but I never got around to it. Most of them I glad I never had, too; but some.. some of those things I still wish I could say, and some of them I wish I had when it would have mattered. I wonder how fate would have been altered had I played those cards.. but there's no point in living in the past.
..I wish my heart wouldn't contradict the things I say :(
I'm not too different in the way I tend to keep to myself. Back then I was a little bit too open about my private thoughts, and I though secrets were taboo.. but it turns out honestly hurts alot less than words spoken that were unwanted. I have my blog here, and it's not exactly private, but at the same time I don't advertise it or go guilt tripping people into trying to understand me. If they want to, cool. If not, cool. I don't really tell people about it, though, either. Just like my thoughts. I don't share with people unless they ask, and even then I may not.

Some of my past journal entries and my past blog posts..
I really,really don't like to read. I've forgotten who I used to be, and I kinda want it to stay that way. I don't want to trigger a return into the person I used to be. It's a person I don't want to know.. after all, they almost murdered me. They caused alot of people grieve that was totally unneccesary. And it was never who I truly was.. all that person was is the result of many accumulated insecurities and doubts about my intentions. Because bad things kept happening, I made the assumption that it was the way I had intended it all along. Grandiose thoughts, to an extent (>.<;)I'm done with that. I live life day by day now.

I'm lucky to be alive though, honestly. I did some stupid things back then. I was told I threatened to hurt someone.. but that.. I want to believe that person.. well, no I don't. I want to agree with them to help put the past where it belongs. But I don't really think that I had threatened anybody.. I think it was a misunderstanding. But my memory is so foggy from back then, I certainly won't dismiss the possibility.. Still, being told I threatened to KILL someone.. that seems like a far stretch, especially since the motif I opperated under was only hurt myself because I hurt others. What I was told by that person makes no sense.. none. I hated myself for even having a nightmare that I was torturing someone. And I looked up what dreaming of torturing someone means:

"To dream that you are torturing others or see others being tortured, suggests that you are punishing yourself for your own negative or bad habits. You are projecting yourself onto the person or animal being tortured. Consider the symbolism of who is being tortured. Alternatively, the dream may indicate repressed feelings of revenge which you are not able to act on in your waking life. "

The only reason I had that dream is because I had been hurt so badly. I never dreamed of killing them or anything.. it was torture, and when I woke up I cried. I hated myself... So I was really torturing myself. And I really was, I swear. I think after that dream I hurt myself in realitym too. It was the worst mental trap I had ever had.. and I think I want to cry now even remembering it. Gotta close the bedroom door, though..

Damn, if it wasn't the worst nightmare I ever had.... I live to help people. To HEAL people.. so a dream like that.......
*sigh*
I don't want to hurt people.. I don't want to see them hurt like me. I don't..
To see people hurt causes me the worst pain,especially if I cause it, because I empathize. I empathize against my will.