I said I'm making progress...

...but is it really the truth?

  I'm so depressed right now. I know my depression hasn't been as bad as it could be, otherwise I'd be considering suicide more seriously right now, so I guess that's good. Looking back tonight, however, at my past and questioning if coming out of the coma, into a world of difference, was the ethical thing to do for everybody else and myself. All perceived good AND bad was the product of that, and I'd been able to say that was justified to think it simply balanced out as an equation, but then it occurred to me today... that's not the best analogy. For some people, life truly isn't fair (in their perspective)... Would it be more just to return? Was it wrong of me, despite the good intentions? The Pistis Sophia.. This place of suffering and prosperity that I ended up; the product of my own decision to deviate... is it my fault? I know in the end, it all adds up to 1... truth... It began as one, and it doesn't matter how it fractures, it's still one in total, but did I taint it?
  How many are suffering and have suffered, because of me? Will those who have suffered... no, they'll still deviate, despite time... because they're me. My life isn't really necessary in the bigger picture, whether I live or die; I do this only for myself, consider all as an extension, knowing no true damage can be done, yet I gave birth to this illusion through... love. Is love ever a mistake, or is it an illusion? I... know, good or bad, or neither, it's my fault, but then what is the purpose of illusion? Was I deceived? In the end, she return, Sophia did, through admitting her fault... Was this a wrong, to make the other side right? But it's neither... isn't it? How much is dogma, how much is illusion, and why... can't I see beauty? Without it, my intuition is blinded, and I wander aimlessly, purposelessly... I could signify the turning point; the return... but... is that what's best?
I hate how I have this much power because of what I discovered. I hate it.
It's not about me, I know that, but I don't want this responsibility; I don't know how much longer I can handle it.

Maybe I should meditate, yet the storm in my subconscious continues to grow... will I be engulfed in consequence? I'm so frustrated, I want to cry... I feel like I'm forcing myself to live, despite suffering, for no reason... 


I told my friend I wasn't suicidal... I lied... Without beauty, despite this knowledge... I need help. Some sort of help. I'm back to where I was... knowing I need something, but not knowing what it is...


"Something I wasn't sure of, but I was in the middle of,
Something I forget now, but I've seen too little of..."


I'm way worse off right now then I want to accept. I know how close I am to the edge, and how little it takes to cause a domino effect... not much at this point.