I'm so fucking done.

I'm tired of this bullshit. Life is bullshit. Yeah, this is the ego speaking, but guess what? It was never my real self to begin with. I'm tired of suffering every fucking day without reason. I'm tired of pretty much fucking everybody and everything. Except my cat. Sad that an animal is the closest I ever came to feeling cared about or dare I say loved. Better to die sober. Just to prove how fucking spent I am. I don't care about peoples' expectations. Yeah, I let them down, I let you all down, I don't care anymore, I can't care anymore. I have no reason to live; I'm done pretending I do. There was no meaning; I knew that. Make one up... I'm done. There is no point. NO POINT. I've been in pain for years, over 50 psychiatric medications, tried to kill myself so many times before. I will not fail this time. It isn't an option. Especially not the way I plan it. I will be dead. I don't care. I don't care what people will think about this. I don't care if it hurts. I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I should feel this, and I should feel that; bullshit. I'm not killing myself for the sake OF hurting people, I'm not killing myself to run away. I'm killing myself because I have no reason not to. I haven't had one for a very long time. No more running away... I'm gonna die anyways in the future, so what does it matter? What does my stupid life even mean to anybody? I'm socially isolated and I don't care. I don't fucking care. Everybody leaves. Now it's my turn. That something I needed... it was always just out of reach. Always; torture. I'm done with people pretending to care. I'm pretending not to. Now to make some final... I don't even fucking know. Wrapping this whole bullshit existence up and tossing it away with my life.