I tend to forget things...

...pretty easily. It's been a problem since I was little because it was a survival mechanism I had to access frequently. Pretty quickly I forgot the pain of yesterday, but it's true what they say.. The initial wound may heal,but scars never fade. Sometimes those scars hurt, and it seems that,like when you are hurt deeply,there is a reccurent ghosted throbbing,even if only in memory. This is probably it.. I may or may not be bipolar, but there is pain below the surface that byfar surpasses anything I could feel in one given moment. Pain that has accumulated over the passing of years and that I fear I will never be rid of. It comes to surface randomly.. and I,many times, can't say from where. I have forgotten, and this I will not forget. It's a shame,though, that when it breaks across that fine line it can ruin my moment,the present, the future..

Is this all a product of my psyche? And if it is, damn me. Why would I put myself through such unnecessary torment? It's not a concious choice, anyways. If I could end this, I would. I've tried and failed, and been reassured that this is something beyond me.. something that I can't completely alleviate on my own,or at least not through the courses of action in which I had engaged in. I don't like to be weak and dependent. I don't like to not have the answers,dwelling my own ignorance without direction..
Others say the first step is always acknowledgement, well OK. I did that.. I did that a long time ago. I can try to stay positive, and yes, I do my best. I've even tried to disregard it,sweep it under the carpet so to speak, but when the dust-bunnies clump together,pretty soon you have a monster and you can only wonder how you got in so far over your head. It's a scary feeling :\ I'm just glad,above all else,that I'm not there anymore.
My whole life, I have been warned, this will be a very significant part of my truth. Pat told me that my challenge will not to be overtaken by my depression.. that is the single biggest challenge I will have in my life.

According to official statistics, about a million people die by suicide annually, more than those murdered or killed in war.[35] According to 2005 data, suicides in the U.S. outnumber homicides by nearly 2 to 1 and ranks as the 11th leading cause of death in the country, ahead of liver disease and Parkinson's disease.

So why don't people consider mood-disorders a war of their own esteem? If you're a survivor of a physical war, it usually surmounts to dumb luck, but if you are a veteran of this type of internal war.. it is a result of courage and preserverance. That, I think, is worthy of being honored.