How the heck do I write so much,anyways? I know I have many ideas constantly circulating in my mind,but how do I focus on one long enough to elaborate on it without forgetting the others? I've written over 55 pages in my journal,so that's completely disregarding however much writing I had texted to this blog of mine;yes I text it. I text almost all of it.. Muahahaha... But still,30 pages of writing in one night? That's pretty oo interesting... You figured how many hours that must have taken.. How many hours are in night for me to be finished writing at 7am the next morning and never hesitating for a moment to relax my arms.. I'll tell you right now,it was less than 8 hours. That's over 4 pages per hour,at the least.. Thinking about it makes my arm sore ~_~ I guess inspiration knows no limit. You wish you had my superpowers ;P ..I love mania/hypomania.. Hypomania=hyperproductivity

Omg,it's sooo annoying.Lately I've been having thoughts of self-injury again...
It's unnerving..

Last time I self-harmed,I think I was at band camp... I've been really good about it,too. I haven't hurt myself at all,in any self-destructive way since then (besides that one day at school..but..oh,well,whatever)..
I've been managing my suicidal thoughts really well,too.. But recently it's become increasingly difficuly to downright disregard them.. The more they whisper to me,the more influence they gain over my own perspective because it's so subtle. I don't want to die T~T I don't want to listen to that inner-voice,and I don't want it to get to the point where it drowns out my own....... I don't want to be at the place where I doubted that this voice I speak with now was ever mine,let alone real.

I fight World War 3,because once my consciousNess ceases to be,so will the world as I knew it. Even if I am a puppet,and following my moral judgement means I'm following some pre-scripted destiny, I don't want to give up my role. I still feel,even if it all seems shallow and superficial,utterly pointless,on some occasions. My perspective is all I ever knew and all I ever will know.

laimed geniuses have "mental problems"
..Walking in the gray between assumptions,psychosis,mania,and hypomania,we find more truths and we find more lies.

e.

Assumptions really are a necessary evil. They help us to an extent,then ultimately become our restraining variable.. Perhaps this is why so many acc

uld appear so. It would also appear we need to be less trusting in our beliefs and that we deserve to have our senses of pride broken downquite a bit mor

nt in which we saw through our own eyes and created a memory? Is our range of vision so thoroughly biased and limited by what our expectations are? It wo

ervations and objective glimpses of how we appear when looking in from the outside? Why do we seem so different when we see ourselves outside of the mome

ous awareness we may be, but when viewed by the rest of reality,we never could be),is what we define ourselves by.. So what's the point of striving for a

goal that wouldn't be possible unless we shut of the other part of reality;the reality that the world would give to us through outsiders' subjective obs

e not knowing what truth will exist in the next.. It's like a fear to be anything less than 100% correct all of the time(which in our own field of consci

eir disbelief through claiming to advocate true skepticism,but even a skeptic like me would realize that we can give meaning to the current moment despit

tion of your underlying pessimism and unwillingness to seek out meaning for the less fortunate occurences of our lives...? Maybe they'd try to justify th

and say they're non-believers.. Even if we may not be able to know for sure whether or not God exists,isn't claiming to be a non-believer a direct reflec

at they lose value and we undo whatever purpose we'd given to our lives... What a waste of energy.. Like when people talk about things like Santa or God

ation for the main attraction.
Holidays can be soothing to the soul,if not strictly out of habituation..

..we tend to overthink things to the point th

our way to christmas tree lane as my parents reflect upon their youth,citing a landmark gas station.. My sister is singing festively,and I sit in anticip

Yeah,it'll be fine. I was right to not be paranoia.. If something were to happen,it would have already.. We're taking detour after detour,trying to wind

Call it self-medication or whatever you'd like,but I took some more of my medication with the hope this car ride down christmas tree lane we're about to take would be a little less horrendous and lengthy.. The problem is.. I'm not sure how much I just took. It was kinda crushed up and outside of the pill container and it may have been alot more than a person should take unless they want to die of cardiac arrest. There's nothing left to do now but wait it out and see what happens,I guess. I'm not that worried. It's not like I'd die when I didn't intend to when I hadn't died all the times I did intend to xD if I do,lmfao. Put on my gravestone as a quote "this would have happened to me.. MLHBFed(my life has been fucked)" haha..

Oh my god..!

Josh's sister's fiancé got decapitated in a car accident(hit by a drunk driver) right next to his sister... This is the same guy whose father has terminal cancer and who claims to love me.... Who has also been suicidal at times,and believes he is bipolar.... Who I've been trying to help back onto their feet. My feelings are downright irrelevant if somebody else needs me to be there for them. That is all it comes down to. He needed me,and that was it.. That's what I'm here for.

tend to mark me off as being odd until they come to see things through my eyes. A perspective is something that can endure a lifetime's amount of changes

,and something we can carry with us as a momento.. It can become a part of who we are and affect every decision we make from then on..

t it's not as if my friendship has nothing to offer to those people who do stick by my side..
There are things to be learned in having known me.
People

I wouldn't be here today.. Though I have many friends today,it takes a special type of friend to stick by me throughout all my trials and tribulations,bu

,but we both helped each other as friends will in those times. I've had other friends who have helped me out along the way,too,and without them I'm sure

ter vacation.. Thank god I had Sam,then. It was one of the lowest points of my life. He was a good friend to me,and we both had our periods of depression

s one time in this state of mind,so I have to stay stronger.. I find it hard to trust myself when I've almost died because of things like this.. Last win

purpose from mah life. Honestly,I have reasons to feel like absolute crap,so I won't blame this on my bipolarness necessarily,but still.. All it takes i

to begin with? Yes,I'm an "it".. Everything is disintegrating.. Family..
~~~~~~~~~
I feel a little bit better now. Damn depression,stealin' all

thing really matters,not whether I go or whether I stay.. Ultimately,in the end it will have been the same.. And can a ghost apologize if it had no voice

or.. They thought they saw me,but it was an illusion,something that alluded to a greater theme;there's unspeakable flimsiness in reality's boundaries. No

I have now will be cast away into the sea of the lost. Nothing was ever there to begin with.. All these people.. I could never care for,never be there f

e.. One that I could end by will,the only thing that was ever real.. The only promise that can't be broken,that all things will cease to be,and this pain

... So dead. I am so a ghost that none of my actions are real now,none of them ever existed. No one was ever there to care,it was simply a grand nightmar

Halp D; Ode to Pain

The endd. The fucking end of everything. I want this to end <\3 obsessions won't stop running through my head and I am sooooo alone

Shit happens.. yeah,it happened to me.

There are so many things I know I need to write about here, otherwise I'm going to freakin' explode.

First of all, my dad is still her and we all live in the same house for the sake of preserving argumentativeness.. I hate the fighting. I hate it! I don't want to be pinned into having to choose sides. I don't even think I..
Well. There are too many things going on involving too many people, friend and family alike. I want to save the world;I always have wanted to save the world, but I'm starting to think that perhaps it is truly too far beyond me.. And I'm coming to find that my body doesn't appreciate the ways I had push it past its limit before, so it has the choice to retaliate. I feel bad. Sick. And upon reflecting these past monthes.. since that last,rather unfortunate,occurence.. It's all been downhill in every aspect except maybe mood. Mentally, I'm getting worse, but not moodwise.. I mean my cognitive ability is disintegrating..memory,speech,communicating ability,and all. My body fails me. I'm so sick of the different tests and different symptoms and sleepless nights of anxiety and pain, but this is about more than me. I suppose that's the thought that keeps me going, you see..

Just because there are things that have been happening in my life that strike me as chaotic does not mean the world stops and that people suddenly don't need me to be there for them. But about friends..

Apparently I did something to anger a friend of mine, and it's prolly something that has taken place through the course of time but resided outside my field of awareness.. I still feel obligated to take the blame. Why DO I feel that way? My other friend was right to point that out... and to criticise me for it. It's something that needs to be changed.. gruuu

my stomach x.x It's not that I feel naseau, but something isn't right. I don't know what's been wrong with me, but it feels so bad.. it can't be right. It's not like it's just depression,either.. my whole body feels more foreign and awkward because of the aches and spazzing, like I'm the next candidate for spontaneous human combustion. Gloria.. and her friend..

What am I going to do with her? Her friend is in an extremely abusive situation and obviously unstable mentally,likely because of that same situation. Gloria seems to be going through alot of things herself..

It appears that helping other people with their own problems is the only way I can get through mine. 5 monthes is probably the longest I've gone in 2 years... with the present state of things,this next month very well may be the hardest of my life.

Heart-numbingly..

My family.. ...... .......................
That's all I feel, all I can think.
My mom confronted my father today about a text message she read on his phone from his "girlfriend"..
You see, the thing about that is he is MARRIED >_> It's not the first time, and at least this time I didn't have to be the secret keeper.. That burden was overpowering to me before.. It lead me towards self-loathing that fostered self-injury.. but I can't feel anything,now. Not even pain. If I'm not dead, I may as well be.. I'd more readily hurt myself to feel;to remind myself that I CAN feel, and that's I'm not just some sociopath who never really had any true emotions.. I'll be so afraid that I'm completely fake and that I'm really an evil,evil person who everybody hates and talks about behind their back. But I haven't hurt myself.. not like I would have if it was this time last year. I should be hurt or upset or something... not just completely flat and apathetic. This is so screwed up......! Emotions are the main thing I live for and through.. If I have none, that's the worst possible hell for me. I joke not. *sigh* What am I going to do?

What a way to kick off my vacation...

I wish I didn't have such pride issues.. And I wish depression wouldn't prey upon my tendecies to try to view a situation objectively and complete distort my perception to the point that every interpretation of a persons behavior has an extremely obvious paranoid tinge. It's not true that everybody is fake and it's not true that I'm fake and nor was the love that I felt for people and things in my life. I had such horrible nightmares last night that I think involved suicide and possibly witnessing a homicide. Meh. I need to start taking control over my life,otherwise I'm going to completely fall apart.

I'm truly sorry because of the way it seems you had become my crutch.. If I ever could clearly convey to you the person I am today,I would.. But if you don't want to hear it,the truth will remain silent in me,yet spoken through my actions you may see. I still feel like my world's falling apart sometimes, but I was wrong back then to put the responsibility,the burden of a life,on your shoulders. It's something that I realize could only be reflected upon since I've grown older.. I'm not that girl who was so insecure anymore and I know these problems are mine.. I also learned that I wasn't the only one to blame and of your mistake in putting me to shame,and I've learned the only power I have and single greatest course of action I could take a time like this is to forgive. I do and did forgive you,and this is the largest bit of truth. After you'd forgiven me I learned what it meant to love and forgive myself. Something in the air,almost like the lingering warning of an approaching storm,warned I should speak this into a sea of anonymous objectivity,these truths that sing from my heart so clearly.. And I guess we'll see what that will come to mean as the things always happen for a reason,I'm just unaware of what that reason may be.

Laughter and tears..

When people laugh at the idea of somebody who lost someone dear to them crying, I am hurt. We're all human, we all have people or things we have lost and life is a constant process of losing. I defended Mr. F when Bart mocked him for crying after somebody submitted a question as a cruel mockery(as he admitted during their conversation),"Have you ever lost somebody to alcoholism?" They knew, they KNEW he had and Mr. Fisher knew this. Did Barton not stop to think that perhaps he was crying because the students who plotted such a thing were disrespecting him, his friend, and flaunting their ignorance about how painful it can be to lose someone.. especially a friend. Was it out of spite or jealousy that they attacked him in this way, or were they completely "innocent" in their intent for a good laugh, or.. were they just plain malicious, wanting to make him cry. Each of these points, when reflected upon, are enough to tear open wounds, reawakening memories of days we've tried so hard not to relive.

I understand this, yet they don't want to. The only way they could learn.. is to be hurt on a personal level, and perhaps that would bring them out of their ego-centric behavior. People need to wake up and see life for what it is.. And they talk about Jesus.. do they even know what kind of things the Bible teaches or do they assume repentance comes on a whim. Do they lack a conscience because it was never given a foundation? How sheltered can people be and how arrogant is one to believe they are forever above that type of suffering? What can somebody do besides giving their life to open their eyes.. because I care about these people who cause each other so much more agony than would ever be necessary. I love these people despite the ways they can be so hateful and childish. I love these people because they are me and I am them and we will forever be connected by the fact of life;this universe in which we all reside, and I would give anything to,in the end, allow everything to turn out alright. If only they would let love not be unrequited from me, cast away their pride, look me in the eyes, and open their hearts. Maybe they're scared that this would be too hard, but I have faith in them despite their sins and I know life is a constant struggle to see its light. Inside of each of us is a different song and we're given a different path to walk along, and I guess we'll end in our own pace.. I just hope they'll one day stop thinking life's a race, because we will all inevitably reach that end, but until then, these people I'll continue to defend since I've moved past neutrality because it gives life no beauty to see. Beauty is all around us; there's no second when it doesn't surround us. We just need to learn to see it, know it, live it, and breathe it. When people learn to value this, only then will their lives finally have true purpose.

The ways I doubt how true my various perceptions are,like the ones infused with paranoia,apparently signified to Pat that what I have is,indeed,a chemically based imbalance.. She thinks I was smart enough to control it.. :( it should've beaten me by now,and the only reason it didn't was not my prudence,but my luck(of all things). That's quite a shame.
On another note,I recieved some strange voicemail with a love song and part of the lyrics that were shown said "only you can save me"..I wonder who it could be or what they want from me? A random prank call? Maybe. From a friend? It's possible. Someone who has a crush and also has my number? Who would that be? Not sure,really.. I'm not even sure how many people have my number... I guess I won't worry about it,because it's not like I can do anything without the person saying something. So tired...

Hum

Paranoia.. lately I've become increasingly paranoid about the people in my life.. Not that they're plotting against me, but that they all really dislike me.. like I have no real friends in the world. Something keeps reminding me about some of the body language cues I pick up from people that are negative and it's so hard for me to distinguish between what signs are real and which ones I'm only making real. Regardless, the way I do this to myself creates this sense of loneliness that may leave me feeling completely stranded on an island,but surrounded by a sea of people. What is real, what is true? Does everybody hate me? Does everybody talk about me behind my back,saying all the annoying aspects of my personality? When people aren't there or leave, is it because they don't want to be around me most of the time, or do they really just have to go? Is this me personalizing everything again with my stupid depressed cognitive distortions? There's nothing but this booming silence.. I have no idea what to think anymore. I know I've been alternating between depression and hypomania.. maybe even regular mania.. alot, lately. The reason I chose to abandon my mood stabilizer that I was recently perscribed for my insomnia is that it just wasn't working. If anything, it was fogging my conciousness up and covering up the problem so I wouldn't have to deal with it. I don't like running away. I have to confront the problem directly if I'm ever gonna beat this thing, I think. Meh, at times like this I think "And how many more years do I have til this stops?"
I don't like when I'm so negative. I am not a negative person, and I guess that's why this hurts me the most. Depression is a stupid chemical imbalance that truly goes beyond me, yet it makes it so I feel like it's my fault. "If only you were better.."
But it's not my fault D: I try my best.. What more can a person do?
"You could have done better, like when.."
But I'm not perfect..
"You're you, you should be. If you know what you consider perfect, shut up and don't complain."
You're mean,voice in my head..
"Stupid human. Like I care about your petty turmoil."
But I care about my petty turmoil..
"Ha! Like I care about you or what you think."
But you're me...
.....
..............................
~~~
..and so on and so-forth. This is the type of inner-dialogue that will occur with me sometimes and nobody would ever have any idea unless I mentioned I was feeling depressed, which I typically don't. Thank god I have a therapist's appointment tonight. Maybe she can help me feel a little less crappy through talking with her.. If I don't do something and my mood doesn't randomly change soon, I may start isolating myself because.. blarg.. I feel weird. What triggered this in me?
"People always leave you."
...................................I think I may just cry.
Oh.. when I was talking to Essa about what my anon paper was in Psych.. explaining to her why I don't tell people the whole truth about what I've been through,and then when Sara said that anybody who did that was stupid and there were no exceptions.. no understanding them.. well, I made that mistake. I am the one who deserves the heartbreak and to be condemned, I guess.. but to her it makes me subhuman. To her,this part of me is unacceptable and she is my friend.. this part of me is my past and it is something that cannot be changed. If I told everybody the truth about what things I've been through and done, would I be left with nobody? Will my mental illness leave me completely and utterly alone in the end? Is it my fault,and do I deserve it?

Her:"It still hurts me.. how nice you always are."
Him:"You're like a disease. Everyone you surround yourself with suffers."

Is.. is it true? If I cause people pain.. oh damn, herewegoagain..
If I cause people pain, why should I even bother living? Even if I cause them pain through my death, then the amount of pain I caused them through living would be substantially more in the long run and I would probably hurt so many more people and not even know because they're too polite to tell me, yet there I am leaving suffering in my wake. Here I am, not doing anything about it. Damn,damn,damn,damn,damn,damn, this same stupid trap that I've gotten into so many times before. Make it stop .T~T.

Thinking on thoughts;my purpose and where I come from

This website:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/04/levels-of-consciousness/

So I went down the list for the levels of consciousness on that same website,trying to list where I was at each point in my life and when I made the transition to the next level. What he said at the end sounded alot like fixation to me, but I may be mistaken..


Shame: I would look outside of myself for a definition of "right" and "wrong", and whatever I was told, I would believe. When I was younger, I was constantly ashamed of not meeting the standards others set for me because their feelings, I believes, "should be" equivalent to my own.

Guilt: Because of my percieved incompetence, I would feel as if I could never be good enough. I tried my hardest, yet shame was only one piece of the puzzle.. Guilt came too, because I was unable to meet those standards. My character and person, I thought, were at fault. "Why can't I be good enough?" The first answer without a thought was,"I am not good enough."

Apathy: This stage came much later. Because of my constant inability to be "good enough", I not able to afford anything other than apathy. This was an important point,though, because I was left to think alot about what I felt and I began to search for the reason behind those feelings. MY reason.

Grief: In middle school I began to compare my home life to other peoples' lives.. I was shocked to learn that not everybody was treated the same way. I started to think of myself as a victim. Because of this, I felt a hopelessness,and it seemed like it would never end..

Fear: I began to feel like I was posessed soon afterwards because I was so desperate for an explanation and everything seemed out of control. I also thought alot in terms of "all-or-nothing". There was nothing I believed I could do about my current situation besides continuing to let my life go to hell. I was so scared that everybody I met would either hurt me or and up being hurt by me and subsequently hurt me when I found out.. I met "him",and initially he seemed like he really,truly could help me.

Desire: After I got past the initial sense of helplessness, I realized I wanted control of my life. I wanted to stop feeling so depressed all of the time so I began to self-medicate. Finally, I began to realize that I had a little more control over my life, and that maybe I wasn't the one who cause people to act in certain ways.. And I fell hard.. I fell for "him", the same guy who I felt could be my hero. Little did I know things weren't fated to end up that way at all.

Anger: He hurt me, and he hurt me alot. He hurt me worse than even my parents had hurt me, and he made me hate myself more than anything.. For a long time I would not say anything because it got to the point where I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells.. yet I needed him, or so I thought. I "loved" him, and honestly.. I did love him. It was unrequited. He eventually said "I don't care if you killed yourself as long as you didn't hurt me or my friends." and after a year of taking verbal abuse like that..I was hurt to the point that I broke and said "I hate you!" I was at the point of no return, and I tried to apologize, but it was in vain. The damage was done, and eventually I realized that this was something that couldn't have been helped. He was verbally/emotionally abusive towards me and after breaking me to the point of being suicidal, I needed to move on one way or another. This friend would take advantage of me no longer, and I was NOT the only one at fault for what had happened.

PRIDE: I capitolized pride because that's basically what it was to me. I had pride, but I was scared of having to much of it and becoming blatantly ignorant in my own self-absorption,almost to the point of paranoia. I think it's healthy to worry about that type of thing to an extent, but I definitely tended to obsess. "Perfectionistic" is how this behavior was recently described to me by my therapist. There is a thin line between too much and too little pride, or so I had thought then. I learned here, however, that you have no right to smile in pride if you haven't given my all, but also that all you can do is your best. If other people don't accept your best, that's not your fault or your issue to worry about.

Courage: Courage was, for me, knowing that despite your best efforts, you may be put down and rediculed and trying anyways;it's something I realize not everybody can do. The risk may seem far to great to them, and they subsequently shelter themselves, creating a different kind of neurotic suffering to which they fuel their own pain. We can't always be the best,despite our best efforts,and we can try to disregard the fact the pain lies in the future, but when we experience that pain we would be left in more pain than ever before. In that case,we'd regress into a state of constant misery.. COurage is seeing this reality we reside in for what it is,completely; not just in black-or-white, ignoraing things we don't want to see.

Neutrality: Two years ago, I thought along the lines that "What is right or wrong is relative to each individual, while objectively 'right' or 'wrong' doesn't exist because there will always exist a contrary belief or opinion." This was,at that point, the highest level of understanding I could even begin to imagine. What could be more true than the idea that there is no truth? This last thought lead me to the next marker.

Willingness: Knowing that many things come down to an opinion, I was freed from the burden of trying to align my opinions precisely with those of others. I knew this whole time I had distinct opinions, but they were allowed to exist only while being "wrong" from anothers' perspective. I,therefore,acted based upon what I believed, not claiming it was right, but it was my opinion and nobody could make me believe it was completely wrong because of that. Not a single soul would have the power to force me to believe anything. I really started writing alot about the mind, psychology in general, and I start doing a billion things at once, but even moreso. I still needed to learn how to back off instead of forcing people to accept or biasing them unduly towards my opinion so that that they could make their own decisions,unlike somebody advocating totalitarianism.

Acceptance: I started reading all I could and helping people I didn't even know and I became sure about what I am meant to do with my life. I am meant to help people,and the best way to do that was through connecting with them directly and utilizing my ability to write to its fullest potential. I reprioritized.

Reason: Ergo Cogito, Sum. While I know I have gifts and can help many people who let me, I also know I can't save everybody and some matters are simply beyond my control. I realize one day I will die, and I'm okay with that. I live life to the best of my ability each and every day and if I died, people could read my writings and carry on where I had left off. Generally, I feel these pages represent me pretty well, thought I do think much more about life,people,love, and all of their complexities than I would probably ever convey. I have nearly died on different occasions and, comparing the immediately proceeding feelings to now,with my current outlook, there isn't much of a difference. I am not superhuman, but perhaps my thoughts-
the very same the whole of humanity may share from time to time- are.

Love<3: "At the level of love, you now place your head and all your other talents and abilities in service to your heart (not your emotions, but your greater sense of right and wrong — your conscience)." I do love everybody and everything, I do love those to whom my purpose is directed. I love myself and those ways I can help the other people I love. I can do so much.. when,in the thinking stage of reasoning,I met the end to what thoughts could do, emotions were still a large part of my life. I could know my purpose, but dedicating my heart to that purpose fully took it a step farther. In this way, I cannot lose. I can only try my best at all times.. It's amazing to see the world through your eyes when experiencing such a sense of love to everybody, everything, the way it is, in all of its impefection, because otherwise it would be the way it was in that moment to make you feel the way you do about it. It's there, and what more could you possibly be grateful for? The thought of this feeling is enough to lift your mood on its own accord if you've ever known it.. We are all connected in the very same ways I've described so many times on this blog. :) This connection, the way we live on through others' hearts and memories is something that can never be broken. Once you've felt this connection, you too will see what it is I mean.

Joy: Now something I don't understand is why joy and love cannot coexist when they are so similar.. The feeling of love and joy brings the connectedness that I only break with my own will, allowing myself to become depressed again so I do not forget what it was to see from that perspective. Understanding is what I intend to do, and I don't want to let myself forget. When you feel this way,though,life is the greatest thing ever and no matter what happens in to you or the people in it, it's all good. And you'd think these two feelings coupled together would be synonomous for peace as it couldn't be disrupted unless you willed it to, but idk. And as for englightment.. it's a concept I cannot grasp, but I feel so great all the time that I don't feel the need to,necessarily. I want to share it with people, but I know people have to learn lessons on their own, even if the most I could do is touch their lives and help them get a little bit closer to it. Even then, without my help.. people have their own beliefs. The most I can help them is if they're looking for answers and when those people come to me, as they tend to, I am open armed and open-eared for the sake of relieving them from their burdens. I certainly don't look down on them for whatever crimes they say they have committed, because mistakes are an essential part of learning.. and sometimes I can help people realize what mistakes they've made. Besides, I am only human,too. Humanity is amazing. I guess by giving them an idea which way to go, they can walk the paths themselves. As far as I'm concerned, I AM at peace. I don't need anyone else to tell me whether or not that's what they consider true :3


But what about forgiveness? Doesn't this person think that forgiveness is as important as the other things? Without it we fixate, and it disallows us to move on. That, I believe, is important.. Sometimes we can forgive others, but what they need is their own forgiveness. I know I've been there before, and I feel life gives me so much I will always owe it something. It's a debt I'm happy to pay off, and for that I am wealthier than most men could ever be.

All-encompassing Paradigm

This website:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/04/levels-of-consciousness/

I was considering the paradigm for the levels of conciousness and,being somebody who has long been eager to raise my level of awareness and state of consciousness, I reached the last 6 or so states on the list and I was left with a question:"For what reason must the benefits of these levels of conciousness remain seperate?"
I know I have experienced them simulatenous, yet my mind was not split or in any state of dissonance as you would imagine would occur based upon the implications of this article.. Hm.. Is there some sort of model that would allow these conditions to simultaneously co-exist, or at least understand with willed empathy the other states? The reason I become depressed, being bipolar, is because I allow myself to become depressed. I don't ever want to lose sight of that perspective because it would otherwise limit the extent to which I could understand others... And I know depressed isn't my natural state. My natural state is one of compassion,intuition,and empathy but it'll go beyond me,hence I write more thing than I ever dare to say;more thoughts than I would ever care to burden another with. For some,listening to some things aren't so much of a burden as a pleasure, but it's totally dependent on the person. I know that,too. Everything depends, but I guess models are for people who need definite answers..

Par amour..

People grow close to me,then we grow apart.. That's just how it seems to happen. Afterwards,I am left with the memory,but I still live in the present.. I hope so much this all meant something,because without that purpose,without the prospect of "ergo cogito,sum", I am nothing.. I do not think,I do not exist.. My consciousness becomes a mirage,and I am lost. When I've thought about these things in times of depression,I really,really became messed up in the ways I thought about life. We can choose what we want to believe,yet I am a seeker of truth.. I am constantly working to reform my perspective,the only thing guaranteed is change.. My therapist said this is why I may get have melancholic tendencies.. But at the same time,that's not all I am,and I won't let it define me. One day, I know I'll get there.
I need to do more for more people.. I waste so much time when that time is not mine to waste and this is a product of my selfishness.. But is selfishness bad? In selflessness do I lose myself?self less.. Hmm.. I follow my heart,still. It'll lead me the right way,I know. Sometimes the voice of the heart and mind sounds similar,however.. The trick is differentiating between them.. What is the distinguishing pattern? What,who,where,why,when is love? One and all,the beginning the end,the heart and the mind,a mediator,a moderator,a negotiator.

Not everybody would understand this, but..

It's a great thing to feel love.. True, unconditional love for the people in this world, seeing that inside each of them is a part of you,too. We are all connected to each other through this humanity and all the pain that,if we preserver through it, will bring us a greater light than we ever would have seen before, and this is the blessing of burdening sorrows.. Those who have known the greatest lows are the only ones who could know of the greatest highs.. No matter what life throws at me, and even if I died tomorrow, I will be grateful for these experiences.. I could die today, and the memories of the people I have met would be something I wouldn't mind being trapped in oblivion with. I loved them, and they proved the feeling was mutual.. This is all I ever truly wanted or needed. I don't fear the darkness.. I don't fear the unknown. Right here, right now.. my friends, I am at peace. This isn't a depressing thing, we just need to learn to appreciate the light in all darkness and the beauty in all chaos. This isn't even being unrealistic.. Being extreme is typically synonomous to being dellusional. Instead, I am being perceptive.. God, I love you guys.. God,I love you,too.
It's quite a miracle.. that we could love at all. Our minds seem so distinctly seperate from the reality that surrounds us,yet we coexist.. with these entities, with these being.. with these wonderous pieces of life and.. can you believe we are actually a part of it together, living in harmony with all the rest? It's like we're part of some grand mosaic and it's a gift.. it really is. We shouldn't take this blessing for granted, I truly,truly feel this way. That's why for every second of every day I have lived my life to the best of my ability as I felt it should be lived.. Not to say that's right or wrong, but when you follow your heart with such certainty, you can't be wrong.. what else really matters? I can the voice within my soul, I can hear the white noise of others' longing for meaning.. if you look hard enough,you can all find the answer that lies just beneathe the surface.. Please join me :D I could live forever here and we could share infinite cups of tea ^3^

You can join the fight for what's right!

No one talks to her,she feels so alone
she's in too much pain to survive on her own.
The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife;
she writes on her arm,wants to give up her life

each day she goes on is a day that she's brave
fighting the lie that giving up is the way
each moment of courage, her own life she saves;
when she throws the pills out,a hero is made.

One day I'm going to do some very important things. I know they'll involve helping alot of people, and I know they'll involve psychology and the medical field, but I'm not sure exactly what yet. I have a number of hypotheses involving neuropsych and psychophysics, transliminality and the reason for the increasing mass disposition for psychiatric disorders. People overlook the obvious genetic factor(think gene pool), even the social contributions(societies educational demands and what type of person would be most appropriately suited for their undertaking), but I knew this years ago. C'mon scientists.. break through with your studies and catch up to me already >_> and then I have a theory involving bipolar disorder.. that the seemingly untriggered symptoms may stem from emotional supression.. having something similar to the effects of sleep deprivation. Emotions also have a bank and we can go into debt when they're supressed, even at a young age, and it can take a long time to pay them off.. Waiting is the problem people tend to have. These days, everybody is looking for a quick fix, or at least a working cover up. Sweeping things like this under the carpet can be deadly, though... People need to be smarter. Srsly.

I've been too overbearing for the people close to me lately,or at least so I suspect. It's not their fault that I'm going through so much crap and,it's not their burden to bear as people,but.. "Friends"... What does that word even mean? Do I even have any? Maybe I don't trust people enough in order to.. Or maybe nobody could possibly care that much about me. I dunno. I'm still learning all the time.

Oh geez, here we go again. Truth? Whatever..

Fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,everythingissodamnfake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake!

I hate it when I feel this way;like everything around me, the people and places,the emotions I "feel",the thoughts I have about myself and others, it all seems like one big stupid lie. Like I'm a lie in every way, even my existence. I hear a ringing,but I'm not sure if it's electricity or my tinnitis. vgiughfiuhaoewigfviuiupeagbdrfviuaewiudfhpiachudsigubviupcwhdiupfhviuheiudfhviuehpaifudvhiuehfiupgvhipeuafhdvppwiuerhgfviupwiuperfvhpwefupqwiu[hfeoquefp

BLARG!

My moods have been up and down so many times it's unbearable.. It's probably because my sleep pattern has been suffering lately. Even still, I've been having persistent depressing thoughts for quite awhile again,but I don't really want to do anything about them.. I know I could medicate or self-medicate and prolly do at least SOMETHING, but I don't want to risk making it any worse. If it gets worse... well, it's been a long time since I've tried to kill myself, and I'd really really like to keep it that way. The last time I did, in fact, was.. just a few days before my last birthday,and that turned out messy >_< Note to all who read: don't ever try to OD on well over 50 sleeping pills with alcohol.. It's a slow,agonizing death that could leave you permanently fucked up if you don't die(in a bad way). It's actually really surprising that I tried to die right then, I mean.. I had generally been doing so much better. How many times have I tried to kill myself,anyways? Huh, I never really tried to tally, so let's see what I can remember.. Oh, and to this day my parents still don't know that I ever tried to kill myself, but they do know that I've been suicidal before because of the writings they stole from me >_>
~~
First time: 10th grade, self-injury with knife or something and bleeding in hot shower, planned aspirin OD, didn't follow through with latter part, still have the scars. I thought I was possesed by the devil or at least some evil spirit. I thought I was a burden to the people in my life and I would be better dead to the people who did care about me. To the people who didn't care.. well,what did it matter to them?

Second time: 10th grade, pill mixing (Zonigram and Geodon), took something like 14 pills and thought it was enough to be lethal(harharhar), it wasn't -.- Surprisingly,though,they did interact and it was one of the closest times I ever came to death and I did pass out thinking I was going to die. Still thought I was possesed and I pretty much felt the same way as I did last time for the most part.

Third time: 10th grade, alcohol mixing and alot of it, I got really,really sick. I threw up and passed out eventually, but didn't die. I think I drank over 20 oz of 40% altogether, and while there was a poisonous reaction from mixing, I didn't intend for it to happen, nor was this really so much of a definite suicide attempt. If anything it was more of a "I'm going to drink more alcohol than I think my body can take and hope I die. If I do, oh well. If I don't, f***, oh well. There's always tomorrow." Michael found this amusing. (this may have been later on in 11th grade, I don't remember so well. I wonder why xD) By now I had realized that me fucking up my life was me fucking up my life, though this just added to my own sense of self-hatred. I thought everything was completely beyond my control and I was fresh-out of hope.


Fourth time:10th grade summer Concerta,Adderall,Prozac,Lamictal,Fluvoxemine, Aspirin, Geodon,Zonigram,Abilify, and a bunch of other crap meds I can't remember. This time I was really,really hoping for an interaction.. again I passed out, but.. I woke up pale, and my parents asked if I was okay because I looked like death and I told them I was fine.. ahahaah. They believed it. Funny how people see what they want to see(or is most convinient), especially if the truth is ugly. This thought was depressing..

Fifth: 11th grade(night before) band camp,Adderall and Lamictal oversdose, don't remember how much I took but I know it was alot. I was hoping to just be dead because I was tired of my consistent inability to do anything right. I was a failure at everything,to everyone, and from every day up until that I had only been kidding myself into thinking otherwise. My life was a lie,and I was fake.

Sixth time: 11th grade, Extreme concerta overdose(way over LD-50), I actually went to school this day, and didn't care if I just randomly died during it,either. I kinda hoped I would,actually, so maybe then all the stupid idiots of the world would realize what kind of suffering people go through on a day-to-day basis as they flaunt their state of bliss. Yes, I know this was selfish.. kind of.

Seventh time: I went to the train tracks near my house because something compelled me to sneak out of my window in the middle of the night and visit. My thoughts would not stop, and like the many times before, I would give anything in that moment to make that happen. I sat down near the tracks,but by the time I had gotten there,my mood had already lifted to the point that not only did I have energy, but I wasn't in an agitated, mixed-episode of depression. I went home.

Eigth time: I went to the train tracks again determined not to be side-tracked by petty feelings of adequecy that came from nothing. "My previous happiness was all a lie," I thought, "and none of it was ever real." What was happiness,anyways? Had I ever experienced such a thing? Even if I experienced a state of mind that made me feel like there was some hint of reason for me living, wouldn't it just fade again? I drank alcohol,deciding not to say good-bye to anyone, and waited for a train. I first sat next to the tracks,watching a train pass by very close to me and noted that a police car was right at the intersection that wasn't too far down,and the cop seemed to be sitting there for quite awhile. "Will he do anything?" I wnondered,but ultimately he drove off. "Great," I said aloud laughing at the sattirical situation,"I'm just another victim of the bystander effect."
I lied down on the tracks,closed my eyes and took in the feeling for awhile.. nobody knew me. Nobody cared. Nobody would expect to be right there,right then, I would think. I opened my eyes and then I saw something beautiful.. the sky. I was filled with this renewed sense of wonder and pulled out a notepad and started to write. Eventually,after writing for awhile, I staggered off of the tracks and fell down the rocks drunkly and upon landing tore my pants, which were greasy from the oil on the tracks. I somehow managed to get home inside without raising any suspicions,even when my mom found my torn and greasy pants in the laundry.

Ninth: 11th grade, I oded on ibuprofen thinking that "Hey, there are statistics that people have died because of this medication. If I take enough, maybe I'll finally be dead. Finally." but of course there were other reasons why,too.. My inner voice can tear me apart worse than any person outside of myself in this world ever could,period. I went to school that day,too,after overdosing that night and I can tell you that being sick was an understatement. I left psychology to puke my guts out for a good half-an-hour. I still felt like crap, and I was kinda hoping my organs were failing as a reward for how much I suffered. Maybe there were, but not fast enough. I didn't die,so yeah.

Tenth: 11th grade summer,this is the big one. I intentionally looked up how many sleeping pills it would take to kill most people and I swallowed as many as I could after drinking a few shots of alcohol(at least). What the hell,man.. I first felt like I had to go to the bathroom after my perception was all screwed up, and I threw up in the toilet sooooo much. It was green, and it was really weird, but to get over to the bathroom and move at all was extremely difficult. I was wobbling all over the place and once I sat down I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to get up again. Using all my strength after wretching my guts out of my body, I made it back into my bedroom,landed on my bed and passed out. I woke up several times that night,and I was covered in vommit when I did.. I could barely breathe anyways, and I just kept praying for the suffering to end, and I felt like the pain was worth it if it took me to that goal, and there WAS pain. A HUGE amount of pain, and there always is when you're dying,I guess. It was the worst I'd ever felt in my life, but even that was bearable if it would end the emotional strife I had gone through for many years.. Passing out,waking up,passing out,waking up, I eventually woke up late the next day, and I was NOT well. My vision was bad, my hearing suffered, and I was scared that I'd be stuck this way forever if I didn't succeed the next time I tried to kill myself. I still have some hearing and vision trouble, but not nearly to that extent, and I never told my parents about my vision. While I did tell them about my hearing, I didn't tell them why it happened..
~~
This cat has more than 9 lives, it seems, though with the severity of some of those attempts, I really wonder how. There were more attempts than these,too, but I can't remember enough details about them to share.. I just know that they happened. There was a few other severe ones, but I don't think they were as severe as some of the ones mentioned here.. I won't really count them. xD Sad, I have so many I classify them based on how much I think they affected me. Nobody knows about this,really.. I never told anybody about all these mishaps, and I doubt anybody would care to know in such detail. If people doubt I'm bipolar or that I was ever truly depressed.. they don't even know half of the truth to the things I go through on a daily basis. I wouldn't even bother to share with them my past and all the reason I believe I have a mood disorder anyways.. with this track record, who wouldn't think I'm a freak or otherwise report me to authorities or something?
I have been better, though.. I have a higher level of self-control and more will-power than I ever did before. My therapist said the biggest obstacle I would have to overcome in my lifetime was my depression, but in saying this she didn't even know how true the words she'd spoken were. I've tried different mood-stabilizers and anti-depressants and anti-psychotics, but they didn't work. Unless I want Shock Therapy(worst fate,worse than hell for me as I'm so uber sensitive to electricity), I'm on my own. I'm not stupid though,despite the stupid actions I had taken.. I truly believe I can survive, and unlike before, I know I have the power to preservere. I will always try my best to make it through;this is my unseen battle that nobody else is aware of. I only have the power to save myself, and this is do or die.

I'm so tired of trying to be something that I'm not because I'm worried about how people will react. I think I'm done being coy;this is me. Take it or leave it, I have flaws and I will never,never,never be perfect. The things I've been through can't be taken back,but the fact that time is unforgiving is not my fault.

I remember in 3rd grade I recieved a card from my parents and I thought it was the best present I had ever recieved because it said they would listen and that they loved me despite my flaws,and it was all I ever really wanted.. the idea of unconditional love. Later,however,my heart broke as I found out it wouldn't last,and it didn't..

Ohdamnwhathaveigottenmyselfinto? Damn mania,spinning thoughts of grandiosity... But at the same time,it's not past me! Weeee-
like the times I just snuck out my window in the middle of the night to walk without purpose.. That time I met.. Him.. And tried to pretend what happened never did.. But I can't forget it. I won't. Ultimately, I fought temptation and won :3 I doubt most people would have as fondly formed memories of such misadventures.. Not of this variety <3 like that time I went staggering to school drunk with a friend,almost walking into traffick with that friend saving my ass,all while I was stating "alcohol doesn't affect me!" ahaha,good times,indeed! I could've sworn that signal said "go". Am I rambling about nothing? Of course. Aren't I always?

Yesterday I was reading about who the guy was who shot John Lennon,just to try to understand if he was crazy or what,and I read about the association between him and "The Catcher and the Rye",and how he saw John as being phony and advocating athiesm and having so much money while preaching to the poor.. And I wondered what he said in his music that could have conveyed that message,as John Lennon was a very peaceful guy... And then today,I happened to watch "Glee" for the first time and I heard the song "Imagine"... I had never heard it up until that point and I didn't know it was by John Lennon,but I instantly loved it,so I looked it up on youtube,and instantly I understood how the message could have been misconstrued... As the worst of the closed-minded could interpret his music;as an attack and insult,so unfortunate,because he even used the word "Imagine"... Can't you at least imagine? Imagine with me.....

I wonder if everyone else has,if only for a moment,felt completely connect with everything and at peace within themself? It's something I've experienced frequently,anyway..

And the lyrics "No one understands,my dear,no one really cares." keep running on through

Persistant .: X..............
now I feel the need to catalogue each type. Damn it,it won't stop .T~T.

Grandiose thoughts,Gtfo my head please....

sn't this everybody's problem? Erg,the world keeps disappearing. The world is gone,so loosely associated symbols,metaphors,similiesbutnotsomuch the last

s like an oscillating pendulum..
I know something is wrong with my thinking process,I think I'm dellusional,but hoowww? How do I stop is and whhhyyyy? I

I let it drop because I forgot and every time it hits him I feel bad,because I remember it wasn't the first or second time,deja vu to the time my leg wa

being shocked all over again to learn I already went through it.. And I keep accidentally kicking my cat because I forget my leg is hanging in the air,so

badly... I keep thinking something is moving but my eyes aren't adjusting and I forget what I already said before I type it thinking it's a new idea and

for temporary terms and I saw patterns in the darkness and a flashing light,and I keep hearing discrepancies in pitch in my ears and my head hurts sooo

is is why I can't look back. Too much on my plate now,I can't afford to not live in the moment,and I doubt I can afford this either,but I'm doing it,even

sends more information than the storehouse can decrypt... Junk mail... It's all junk mail. Too much,too much! I can't even sleep,it's just.. Too much. Th

things I just can't sort through because I have no filter,no focus,they just keep coming because the range of vision is becoming so broad the processing

till there. In death is suppose the world could not be denied as the thoughts would not be there to deny it. Everything would just "be". Mania.. So many

e. I think I'm losing my mind. A million thoughts like these are racing when my eyes are shut and I can pretend the world is black,but the thoughts are s

me, we've made all these catagories to make sense of reality to the best of our abilities,but how can you truly make sense of chaos? We make our own sens

thoughts and my thoughts was lost as my brain tired... They all became "thoughts" as the subdivions was the first thing to corrode with fatigue. Over ti

es I forgot everything else.. Even the shock of the fact my eyes were closing. When I thought about the thoughts of another,the distinction between their

Every time I blinked,I thought,"The darkness shouldn't be this complete." but then I opened my eyes again and wondered where it went. When I closed my ey

More and more I've been thinking about the situation that appears to have befallen me.. Music.. For so long it's been something I was able to identify with and people tend to recognize it as being such a distinct part of who I am,but it's not me! I'm tired of the impossible standards I set and try to uphold.. It's such a structure set of expectations that it all seems pointless. I need to start over from ground 0,I think.. Even if it's to rediscover myself. I am not what I do. I am seperate from my thoughts and actions,therefore I have the ability to influence them. Still,I tend to wish the process of death would hurry up. Things would be alot less complicated =_= I'm in so far over my head..
I bring about my own failure,anyways.. I just wish I knew how,exactly.

Today was one of the worst days of my life..
I fought terribly with my parents and got verbally,emotionally,and physically assaulted. Not fun.. And it was all because I needed $10 to send my SAT scores before the deadline. According to them,that makes me a bitch. OK then...

I am just going to try to disregard mishaps like that.
How relevant is it to my own growth and maturing? It just seems so frivilous...

I can't believe all those things they say,otherwise what worth would I have within my own mind as a justification for the hope I attempt to muster? There are thoughts I have that make me feel like I should bang my head on the wall -yes,headbanging- til I go unconscious. Blarg.Vacation.. And people wonder why I like school so much x.x

Nobody would guess the lens through which I view this world. Nobody could see when I am so far down the ground looks like heaven.. But this is my fault. It is my own incompetence that leaves me mute.

Noir

I feel so chill right now.. I can look at the wonder and wonder.. why must everything be made so complicated with hate and love, and the pitiful intricacies.. I just would lie here and feel..

It's nice. This is why I had a conversation with somebody who was high and could relate. Except I'm not on chemicals when I feel this way.... I just am high off of the happiness life has to offer me so naturally. I love love love love love love...

I am confused and frustrated.. I'm confused about who I should be frustrated with and why I am.. I'm confused about the emotions I feel towards certain people and what reasons I try to give to explain them within my mind. I'm soooo confused,but at least I'm not confused about who I am.

When a "sorry" sounds so empty..

dered a sin. It's a double-edge.. You betray others and yourself.

nce directed towards those I percieve to be in greater need of life,liberty,happiness,and salvation. This,I have come to understand,is why pride is consi

d to help those less fortunate than me. I'll try to remember that maintenance of my own health and sanity isn't the equivalent to selfishness and neglige

under strain.. But.. They're human. I'M human. I keep forgetting that I need to care for myself,too. If I don't and I die as a result,then I am disallowe

idn't value my body and health,physically. It's so weird to be limited and restrained by such a cage, I disregarded it because I didn't care if it broke

em to the same standards I hold myself.. I was seriously injured,not to mention I could have died or something,because of my stupid decisions.. But.. I d

t even breathe.. My intent behind these things was to lead by example and gain respect,but it appears that the message was misunderstood. I don't hold th

se they were so directly a result of my pride..
Passing out then immediately marching, marching after I was sick from dehydration,marching when I couldn'

ed a lower score compared to having to witness him during a heart attack tomorrow midshow..
I think that in the past,my decisions I made we idiotic becau

t the parade,and I told him today that nobody would be upset if he didn't march at the competition. It's much more important that he rested and we reciev

ot a good combo if you ask me >_<;)... Was not fairing so well after the partial run-through of our fieldshow during half-time. The same thing happened a

The sad thing about tonight is that one of my friends who has high blood pressure with a simultaneously comorbid inclination towards low blood-sugar.. (n

the many shades of gray are more intriguing than all else. Bright colors,though visually attractive,are mainstream. I'll look beyond.Beauty in subtlety

. They relate as they discourage and despise any veering towards acceptance of an opposite but equally valid idea. Real life is not extreme.. And I think

quiring nature for the sake of preserving this quota of "purity" as imposed by higher ups and different religious leaders;dictatorship,tyranny,hypocracy.

y ways,but I give myself the power to choose a preference. I'm not a spectator who is materialistic and corrupt in the sense that I would sacrafice my in

he best. I believe mine is more gratifying because in the search for truth,I learn the ways that I was mislead and naive. I learn to see the world in man

immature and haven't discovered that their way is,in the end,the best method."..and you know what? I still haven't come to believe their perspective is t

best lesson they learned was not to live life without complicating it through attempting to interpret.. Maybe nothing has any meaning. Maybe you're just

,"People say you are gifted,and that you are so far beyond them intellectually,but.. They've spent the same amount of time here.. So how do you know the

ach this illusory "end"? Why do I want to know? Sometimes I feel like.. I'm the laughingstock of the world. When I was younger,I often used to ask myself

will have nothing left to learn..
With this thought,I wonder..
if there would be nothing to learn inevitably,than for what reason do I press myself to re

Not when I feel this way. I want to remain untouched,though time will move us along as it never ceases,except within our perception. When time stops,we

fort and peace in the midst of chaos.. That's so completely a blessing that in this moment,I couldn't think of a single addition I would make to my life.

be grateful for,like my life as it is,and even though the sickness may be multiplying and we're all destined to die at some point, I am able to have com

than when I am surrounded by friends. That is something my household cannot offer..

My ears are ringing and I'm thinking about all the things I should

Home turf.. Literally. The game is over,and while the scoreboard marked us as being "away",never do I feel a higher sense of belonging and purposefulness

And I'm a bit more level again compared to yesterday,though I have no idea how long this mirage of normalcy will be endured. I can't really complain,can I? I still know that pain is better than feeling nothing,because when you feel nothing you're practically dead. This pain is a gentle reminder that it's not quite over yet.. That's how I know this isn't a dream. That's how I know to keep on... Sometimes.
Heh. It's not surprising so many writers,artists,musicians,actors,and geniuses are bipolar,is it? With such an epic battle just below the surface,we learn as much as possible with the hope of using that knowledge in order to somehow facillitate it. No such luck in half of the contendors,it seems.
Statistics,statistics.. People wonder why I am so sceptical and reluctant to rely upon them.. Well if I did,then I would have no hope. They are not at all in my favor. Considering everything,it appears they never were. Perhaps I'm just your ordinary fool;an idiot fighting fate. Or.. Maybe I was put in this position with a greater purpose.. With the assumption that I would surpass these obstacles and use the tales of my tribulations to enlighten others with the truths I had gained throughout my journey. I cannot deny what lies before me. I can't deny what is. I think,therefore I am. And you know what this fool has always said: we will make a connection when none exists simply to have peace of mind. I won't fight the beliefs I have,but I will reform them if I notice a flaw in my doctrine.

God,I'll pray yet again today and wonder out loud why you have placed me in a hole again and punished me for following my heart;the very thing you held so high as being your creation and advocated by example as being the thing I should follow? I love so much but ultimately I end up getting hurt so much worse than those who surround me. While it's a potent tool that I couldn't live without,its effectiveness I do sometimes doubt and it leaves me powerless when it climbs to my throat,leaving me in a state of weakness so that I can't even begin to shout as I feel the stabbing pains.. I don't even know from where the originate,but I promised you I'd do whatever you'd need,and become who you wanted me to be.. So here I am,left suffering and alone,always dying for you with no promise that any of this was true besides memories in which I once resided, yet can't presently be applied to the here now in which I'm left drowning.
Can there even be peace without war?

Just another day in paradise...

My... Head... f***. And depression strikes again. Too many things are happening.. Too much. Everything is too much for me right now... I just want to curl up and die. It's not normal depression,no.. It's a mixed episode because I simultaneously want to run out the window and jump in front of a train.. If I am depressed at school,what the hell can I do? With Andrew walking with me after 1st,if I take off suddenly that'd be weird,if I say nothing,that'd be really obvious,and there's no way I could just say I'm fine. Not even. As for saying the truth.. What could he even say? What could ANYBODY say?
*insert awkward silence here* "oh.... I hope you feel bett...
awkward silence here* "oh.... I hope you feel better........."
.......................................does not want. I want to get the hell out of my to somebody put me out of my misery already??? I've...
only been asking for years.... And in a way,I am a veteran of this internal war that is all too real,yet truly I only survived the battle. Though the wa...
et truly I only survived the battle. Though the war has yet to claim me.. I've tried to kill myself so many times that I'm probably dead,anyways.. This is all probably fake. This pain feels so real,though <\3

Ughhhhhh

I want to die,I want to die,I want to be dead,I want to be shot in the head...
shot in the f***ing head right now. The memories keep echoing and..no more. I don't want this anymore... It hurts so bad... Surely death should seem more sound.
this,writing isn't helping.
echo my thoughts,echo my soul,repetitive misery,a redundant hole.
let me out of this cage
that seems to be symbolic
of your supressed rage
for which I'm held accountable
the pain fuels my uselessness
I will never get used to this
and I doubt when I die
would I truly be missed
and the scars that some
would have on the wrists
faded from your eyes
yet they don't cease to exist
.UPS .AnD. _downs_I want to be in one place
not wasting my time
occupying multiple spaces
defying the laws of physics
but my mind won't let me
sleep like another,so soundly
and whatever words I cry
are so empty,no purpose to try
I might as well die..
if this pain take from me reason
then what force am I left with?
no longer would it be an act of treason
to aim to find the answer the one way I could
nobody would know the words
that I refuse to speak
you may think it's utterly absurd
but I'm glad...

..you don't know.

The teardrops... Sting my face.. I want to collapse inward..to be anywhere else but here. To be dead.....

We almost had another housefire,guys.. Well,we did. But luckily we caught the perpatrator. A couple dry potatoes and a microwave set for 20 minutes. Lmao

Some people are so concerned with doing what's best for their own needs,others for what would make people like or resect them to be secure within themselves,and others for the sake of self-righteousness. In the end,they're all selfish,but the later is best at bullshitting the reasons for their doing things and trying to make it appear it is for "the greater good";whatever the hell that is. I'm in the last classification. Like when my friends hassle each other to conform and ask for me to join in the peer pressure band wagon,I refuse because I don't like pressuring people into doing things that contradict their beliefs,even if they're "wrong". There's something to be learned from everybody,there.. Still,I think it's best I mask my emotions for the sake of not biasing others unduly. I step in only when there is a problem.. Sometimes this has its pitfalls,though.. For example,when I feel a certain way about something or someone,but I can't admit why because otherwise... It would bias somebody's decision making process because of their tendency to prevent another's anguish. I end up getting hurt for not saying anything,and miss out on opportunities,but oh well. That's the sacrifice I signed for. Maybe one day they'll understand. Maybe not. Either way,there's satisfaction within my own heart that this pain is with purpose. I am a slowly dying martyr,only for the sake of promoting love and understanding while subduing hatred. I'm willing to suffer for that for a lifetime,easily.

Wow,I have *got* to try to stay more positive. If I let things get to me so easily,there is no way I'm going to survive this world..
...I haven't even gotten to the difficult part yet. Heaven forbid.....

Sometimes I wish people could truly understand what it's like to feel the things I do,but then I know that in order to do that,they would have to actually have to feel it themselves,and I really wouldn't wish that on anyone. Some people have trouble believing that I honestly have a neuro-chemical imbalance that could affect me to this extent,but to those people: if you don't believe this is something beyond a human's control,and you doubt chemicals can manipulate your mood and the way you think,or even that anti-depressants are for people who complain to much.. Go take a bunch of Ecstasy or Amphetamines,then tell me mood is something you control through pure willpower. Better yet,talk to me on the comedown. I'm sure that then we may be able to see things a little more eye-to-eye.

hell am I still alive,and why am I not doing something about it now?

pain,and the visions of abandonment." my thoughts... A small amount. Enough for any given second of seclusion :( I've almost died soo many times. Why the

eless to everyone,and if everybody isn't disgusted with you like you are,they will be,and leave. Then,when you die,all you will have are the memories of

when really,that answer is just what you needed..? You know what you need is something you will never truly get,life won't treat you any fairer,you're us

Why live in a world where when people ask 'How are you?',they hear what they want to,or don't know how to respond to the truth they never wanted to hear,

ld you bother to live when this suffering never really was just your problem,and you can't even look people in the eye anymore when you say you're okay?

y. Why would you live when you're only bound to let them down because they can't pick you back up off the ground as they believe friends should? Why shou

uccessfully,then leaves you in omnipresent despair. "Why should you bother living,"you wonder,"when by doing so,you cause people inconvience everpresentl

and the only reasonable thing to do is die. All the while you live,your mind argues with every semi-hoperidden thought that is brave enough to be heard,s

e;your perception constantly shifts with such frequency that everything becomes obscure and abstract. During depression,optimism is a farfetched concept,

guarantee with each high is that you will fall lower and harder than you ever had before... Life is an illusion in the sense that it never stays concret

"You say these things,they go away;but they never do."

Very few people can truly understand the complexity of something like bipolar disorder.. The only

that in the end,it will all be worth it. As of yet, I still have faith~

f you're not the one to go back on your word,and I accept this now with that fact in mind. There are risks,but this is a necessary sacrifice.. Let's pray

rung of social ladder.. One I know better than to trigger. Now that I have been validated, I can't back out. Commitments are harder,and may bring pain i

have I saved,and how many would fall into shambles if I submitted to the allure of hypocrisy? It's a very unfortunate chain of events to remove only one

,I know I have responsibilities and a commitment to the people in this world whose lives would have long ago collapsed without my support. How many lives

se to everybody if I was no longer there?
..It's actually not that hard to understand,taking into consideration what facts I chose to ignore. Now,though

series of events,I made it. Anybody who knows in full what things I had been through would understand just how lucky I am to be alive. I was selfish,in

retrospect,but selfless in not so obvious ways that were very apparent at the time,yet..How could I have thought that ultimately,I would have been more u

all through. Life is like that;I suppose I need to just roll with the punches again :/
Two years ago I was certain I would be dead today, and by a lucky

do without them? T.T Doesn't make sense to realise now that I've become so stable,the carpet will soon be pulled from under my feet and the floor will f

h,and how my past had been. I really,truly,love these people <3 I'm so grateful they're in my lives.. No clue what I'd do without them. Ow. What *will* I

t.. Like the people I surround myself with now,who except me as is :)
I have friends who enable me to laugh and feel so normally despite what I go throug

o do,but still..

It may be because of the workout I get through band,and additional serotonin being released as a result,but I think it's more than tha

It's kind of strange how I've been so happy lately.. Odd.. Usually I'm all over the place;or maybe I'm just forgetting the periods of sadness as I tend t

things that is a bit funny to me is how these thoughts constantly circle and swirl throughout my head, and in this strangely posed answer,there was neve

spent our energy on different phases,though perhaps at different times,places,and paces..
Isn't that strange?
I,too,am strange.. And aren't we all?

The

lose to death. I have dabbled my toes into murky waters,and to many this would remain unknown,and thus,something I may need to show them...Because for so

ce;that word would go hand-in-hand with ignorance,as in being one,you may very well be the other,because we are all uninformed one in the same as we have

that I am merely a fool in a foolish world. There is no lesson to be learned,and ultimately my endeavours will be fruitless.. Yet,before I have come so c

me,the lessons stretch beyond you and I,and I can't hope to change that as we will find significance in what we do.

Intelligence,intelligence,intelligen

arner.. All the while I bother to learn to give it up.. The greatest argument to philosophy:"Don't we all give it up?"

There is this persistent feeling

t of humanities debt,so I wonder why I try besides to lessen that burden..

And still,I sit here alone,ponder what worth my achievements would merrit. Wo

ost,the lesson learned for that sole cost would carry beyond the value of words. I'm so eager to throw my life away to be the lesson as opposed to the le

uld the results bring about a source of merriment? When the picture is finally painted,will I see beauty in my creation,or will it inevitably be a souce

of disgust;the very root of my own mistrust.

Still the love within me is like that of the martyr,the albatross,and while a solitary life may have been l

s I have been blessed with, that others had died to enable me to partake in. The sacrafices I have made.. I can't expect them to counterbalance the weigh

ells,but it is wasted on have-nots and faults the void would whisper. What about the things I have...?

..like my amazing friends.. Like the opportunitie

Sometimes I sit here alone at night when I'm not quite ready to sleep,and the silence becomes my apparent companion. Inside my heart,this wave of love sw

r a question,but a purely conditional assumption. This is the flaw of our limited perception.

..the words you can only watch me speak;falling deaf ears

things that is a bit funny to me is how these thoughts constantly circle and swirl throughout my head, and in this strangely posed answer,there was neve

spent our energy on different phases,though perhaps at different times,places,and paces..
Isn't that strange?
I,too,am strange.. And aren't we all?

The

ce;that word would go hand-in-hand with ignorance,as in being one,you may very well be the other,because we are all uninformed one in the same as we have

me,the lessons stretch beyond you and I,and I can't hope to change that as we will find significance in what we do.

Intelligence,intelligence,intelligen

lose to death. I have dabbled my toes into murky waters,and to many this would remain unknown,and thus,something I may need to show them...Because for so

that I am merely a fool in a foolish world. There is no lesson to be learned,and ultimately my endeavours will be fruitless.. Yet,before I have come so c

arner.. All the while I bother to learn to give it up.. The greatest argument to philosophy:"Don't we all give it up?"

There is this persistent feeling

ost,the lesson learned for that sole cost would carry beyond the value of words. I'm so eager to throw my life away to be the lesson as opposed to the le

of disgust;the very root of my own mistrust.

Still the love within me is like that of the martyr,the albatross,and while a solitary life may have been l

uld the results bring about a source of merriment? When the picture is finally painted,will I see beauty in my creation,or will it inevitably be a souce

t of humanities debt,so I wonder why I try besides to lessen that burden..

And still,I sit here alone,ponder what worth my achievements would merrit. Wo

s I have been blessed with, that others had died to enable me to partake in. The sacrafices I have made.. I can't expect them to counterbalance the weigh

ells,but it is wasted on have-nots and faults the void would whisper. What about the things I have...?

..like my amazing friends.. Like the opportunitie

Sometimes I sit here alone at night when I'm not quite ready to sleep,and the silence becomes my apparent companion. Inside my heart,this wave of love sw

Second...we lost...by one-half of a point......! Grr.

I went to therapy for the first time in my life today. It was quite interesting,actually..

My therapist and I were discussing various things,but what I really hadn't anticipated was being hit by such a wall of emotions at this early of a point. In that room, I felt as if everything I had been holding in was on the verge of spillin out anyway,despite the effort I had made to maintain my composure,but what we hit a particular topic..... Him.....

I should've know at that point it would be over,and whatever impression I had tried to give of being a strongminded individual would disappate with my pride. I cried tonight,more than I had cried in a long time,and there will be no hiding, from this point out, the way my emotions toward that situation still do have their hold on me. But we agreed to figure out a way to work through those painful things,and for once,I believe that perhaps the outlook will not be so bleak.

I.. For once am at a loss for words... I'm.. So mixed up inside. My friends need me more than ever,and everybody is depending on me,too,yet.. Nobody could know the type of things I'm dealing with in my mind and heart every night;every single moment when I am left alone,I feel my spirit breaking all over again.. But I can't utter one single word for these empty feelings. I have not the strength to validate -no,reinforce what is true. I look at my friend so sad,and I try to help her,but what can I do when I cannot look her in the eyes when I say everything is going to be okay? What can I do to help her when I am never sure what I can do to help myself..? I'm a bloody hypocritic,damned either way. I don't even know if I'm going to be okay this time,either.. By a stroke of luck I've managed somehow,thusfar.. And every second those same old thoughts persist in gaining some hold of me,so it's a constant war. My war in solitary confinement. I'm screaming out silently with the wish someone could hear my thoughts.. But no one ever will. Can you imagine the frustration? The frustration with not only the situation,but especially with myself.. Who would guess? Even if they could,who would care? Who could really afford to?

I wonder if it's because my dopamine levels are down because of yesterday,but I do feel particularly suicidal today >_>... Dunno why,barely care more than wanting this feeling to stop. At other times like these, I have taken action,and who knows what will happen today.

God, I won't venture to say you've forsaken me,but it hurts so bad... To live. My head hurts because of my thoughts,and I feel so lonely and lost..... Please let my suffering be worth it. That's all I ask. I'll take it upon myself as long as need be,but please somehow continue to guide me along so I can know I have a purpose.... Please let me hear the thoughts by which I am being swayed..
Amen.

You never know when your life is going to end,or when your heart may simply stop.. I have to do the things I would if I knew I were going to die soon. For all I know,we all have the same terminal illness
-it's called "humanity".

Where's my head?
Not to make it so that everything I say is pessimistic,but lately I feel more and more like I'm directly in the line of losing it completely. Before I was fine,but I have no idea what to think now. Everything around me is changing at such a rate, I must have been a fool to hope to remain the same. How in the world am I going to survive without my friends??
.;':..(.*~__~)

...the fuck just happened to me? One of the worst psychotic breaks of my life,but why?

My heart was spazzing out of synch.. How long is my body going to cry wolf before it truly fails me?

Meh, it feels like I'm dying,mentally. The sad part is I can't make myself care,because with the mental dying comes numbness,which I must have needed. Apathy,when I can't stop caring about people,or the memories that torment me.

nd I need something tangible to hold on to while the rest of the world begins to spin out of synch,in time with my mind.

ectrum of full bipolarity;including those stemming from depression. Good and bad,decision making,the constant feeling time is wasting along with the thou

out ideas I know are not good,yet at the same time they're the only ones I hear,being shouted the loudest,drowing out my logic. Abstract needs to cease,a

ghts spinning up above,nowhere to escape,so many actions to take....
I'm not sure what the hell I should do,but oh,does my other side of the mind scream

to think ideas through,which while it may be similar to what I am going through now,the range of things that could happen expands towards those in the sp

ng my ADHD medicine,adderall, I know I put myself at a far greater risk for consequences that are negative,such as impulsive behavior for a lack of will

logic is starting to unravel,fraying,and tearing rationality apart at the seams. This is also something that tends to frighten me. If I were to stop taki

s remembering our state of being that led up to out decisions that led to said results. The way these words spin out of my head, I know my straight-line

moments,otherwise we put ourselves in a position to fall prey to the same result. It's more than simply remembering the mistake and how it was made; it'

then I had forgotten why I had ever thought so in the first place after it had gone. We must not forget that we have forgotten what it was like in those

an unwelcomed guest. I remember I used to think I had lost my mind completely when confronted with such sinister ideas, reacting in whatever ways I had,

say that piano is one of my lifelines to escape the "now". I don't know what caused my pessimism to reawaken,but.. It was certainly a gradual process,and

nd completely,and play my keyboard in an attempt to concentrate on something taking place outside of my head that requires active concentration. I could

I'm basically secluding myself in my room while my mom,dad,and sister are all preoccupied with Rock Band:The Beatles. I.. Just want to be alone,totally a

I have a really bad feeling.. When I think about something,it's always for a reason. Usually, something happens extremely connected to the thoughts.. And I've been thinking about the death of a loved one;what it is,exactly,that I would do if I lost someone,and all that would become of me. Someone who meant alot to me. For me,someone with a fragile psyche,I'm almost always given time preimptively by a sixth sense to start preparing me emotionally for loss.. It may not seem so odd,but these gut feelings and ways I react without realizing how out of the ordinary they are until later.. There's always a pattern to them. The pattern of preperation says "loss of friend". I.. Don't want to lose anybody. Not again </3 I am.. Not ready. It'd destroy me right now T.T
..I'm afraid. I'm going to pray alot for them,because I know something will happen soon. I've been praying for some people lately,but now I won't let them leave me heart and mind again.. Not until this feeling is gone. I won't let them slip away because I didn't bother to watch out for them.. It's almost panick,frantic as it is,but it.. I won't let this defense mechanism psyche me out. I'll hope my strongest it is merely an illusory correlation. Please let these tangible words cause me to be wrong :(

"All-or-nothing" is an evil mentality.. I know it's a curse that it has taken me captive,but how can I escape it after I had already forfeited to the consequence, subscribing to them from,whatever they may have been, from the very beginning?

I knew when I chose to fall for him, I couldn't turn back;yet I never anticipated that things could turn out this way :(

I'm sorry I had forgotten to tell my friends how much I love them all and appreciate them having come into my life :/ I have had this feeling of impending doom for unknown reasons.. Perhaps one contributing factor,however,was my health being very... Unreliable,to understate the degree of it. Despite the sadness of it, I will know that in my past actions, I brought whatever occurs next upon myself. I made the same mistakes too many times,and didn't learn because I rushed forward seizing any thing I could see as "the obvious answer". I tried to disregard anything outside of my inner world of what I think is logical,and dismiss my own feelings with the justification that "I shouldn't feel this way. It is wrong and unexceptable." ..now I know it was cheap denail. It was pointless.. Pushing things under only let them resurface in time as something much worse. It's too bad.. So many things in this life do accumulate and manifest,it's remarkable. I wonder if all these patterns could be combined into one thing..

Isn't the introduction to anything really the climax? I guess that's why they say it's the beginning of the end..

I'm thinking so much right now about this period of time that's quickly approaching. Senior year, how graduation is practically a mass death in the sense that I will most likely never see the majority of the people I've come to know again,afterwards. And also how this is my last opportunity to make some sort of impact/influence whatever course their lives may take. I have so much I would like to say to so many people. Like how Lilly was feeling a bit lost to herself; how I used to feel that way as well, but the key to knowing yourself is to focus on those actions you have taken,and if you disapprove,taking charge of your future actions and using that to determine the truth of yourself.. Actions and intentions considered,and equally weighted. Hmm.. I should do more,and work to say what I think properly :/

I know the only way to help them is to first find a way to connect, build trust,establish that way in we all openly acknowledge we relate. I will save them! I know I can do it,and I know this is my purpose;this is my fate. As for myself.. Again, I'll sweep it under the carpet so long as I can afford to,so to speak.. As I have. Unfortunately, I am at risk.. And to a higher extent than anybody here could guess because I choose to not let them see me so vulnerable, if I can avoid it. So maybe nobody can see anything other than the one that is.. Shallow as well. They don't realize that there is something other than the obvious beyond my eyes.

le who redicule others for being true... I feel so bad. I feel like it's my purpose to help them understand the ways they affect others..

ic... I try to let people accept me,or not, and people may or may not like it,but I am the way I am. I'm consistant in my inconsistancies. But those peop

just not who I truly am. Everybody here wears this sort of facade..and it is almost disgusting. The one thing I can say about myself is that I'm authent

fect me in a way that's rather undesirable :( In a way it triggers this kind of apathy to the many different kinds of drama occuring around me,and that's

the meantime, I guess I can only wait to see what happens next.
Anything could happen,really......

8-8
People at this camp are really starting to ef

too serious.. Hell,maybe I am. But I hopefully will have been the wiser person in the end to avoid this apocalyptic mess(at least it seems that way). In

y cause more trouble and drama >_<; I just want to go back home a bit.. I mean at least then I wouldn't have to worry about this crap. They may think I'm

h more cruel than you would assume.. Sociopathic,even. Scary world... Scary world :/
I don't want to tell anyone I like him,either.. Because it would onl

' true colors... I try to remain a passive spectator.. Though it is extremely difficult not to become involved,even indirectly. Some,I've learned,are muc

I can feel that;and in this camp surrounded by people my own age, I feel as if I'm dematuring... The gossip circulates,and I gain insight to my "friend"s

doubt he likes me. He at one point liked Lilly,and Lilly liked him,and this girl named Emily likes him..and she... She's somebody sinister. If anything

admit to myself, because..
..well,there are so many types of drama revolving around him,and that is a dangerous place to choose to tread water.. Plus, I

son I was able to get over *him* was because of Aaron. I was never with him,but I did secretly learn to like him,and this is something I'm scared to even

friends both here and "there",and my concern about those things yet to unfold. Even about my own true feelings..
Last year, I remember that the only rea

8-3(?)

So I'm at camp, and I have no paper; yet my mind is strewn with thoughts regarding so many things..

Thoughts about last year, thoughts about my

I think.. Well,no, I must be getting worse again.I stopped meditating and tried to kill myself after a period of time. I need to stay on top of this.. I need to stay consistent in my habit,and make sure I stay balanced out. There's a number of reasons I'm less stable these days;primarily involving the old source of my past instability... A.k.a. him. But still, I've gotten much better. And still, I have the power to prevent myself from going overboard. This time I have the knowledge of the past as a tool to help me avoid making those same mistakes. Let's see how things play out now that a little older and,hopefully,wiser.

Tomorrow I leave for camp. Last year this break from him is the only thing that helped me truly become more independent. It was hell for that reason,but a necessary hell. I hope that this year,that isolation can again aide my maturing process. I need all the insight from above I can get.. I'll make a habit of hiking to the waterfall in the morning alone, on a daily basis, to meditate. Maybe then I will find some answers,and if nothing else,become more fit.
Now,however,I must sleep. A long day is ahead of me tomorrow.

The day before..

..my birthday? Yay? Not quite. Actually, I don't care about my birthday. I don't plan to do anything, talk to anybody, get anything, go anywhere, nothing :\ I don't even feel like I'm really turning 17. This past year I kept thinking I was seventeen anyways.. and there has never been a day where "Mad World"'s lyrics have been so ironic in the way I relate to them. Never. Others are more excited for me than I am, and of course no one would see I was depressed today. Oh yes, I am a good person to hide their emotions from the rest of the world. Nobody could even guess that suicidal thoughts were constantly running through my head all. day. long.

What is one to do when nothing in the world could possibly make them happy, and nothing that had happened caused them to become depressed in the first place?

I'd like to think "give up." is not the answer..
I really would. Come on, life. Bring it. I know you can hurt me better than that.
Even though I did.. hurt myself today. I guess others would say it was pretty badly. Of course I told no one. I never tell people.. nor do I admit how screwed I really am. Maybe they'll find out after..
meh.

I let it hapen again. I let my thoughts accumulate to the point where they're overwhelming. I have to deal with them to let them go, but I didn't. I can't. It's too much.. too many.. it would take too long. It would hurt too much. Dreams fail me, so I'm just gonna..........

Scrawled words unspoken.

Today during class I was looking at my old journal.. and it's sad how many entries there were basically things I wish I could have said, but never could. Things I wanted people to know, but they never did. Even to this day..
Some I intended to share, but I never got around to it. Most of them I glad I never had, too; but some.. some of those things I still wish I could say, and some of them I wish I had when it would have mattered. I wonder how fate would have been altered had I played those cards.. but there's no point in living in the past.
..I wish my heart wouldn't contradict the things I say :(
I'm not too different in the way I tend to keep to myself. Back then I was a little bit too open about my private thoughts, and I though secrets were taboo.. but it turns out honestly hurts alot less than words spoken that were unwanted. I have my blog here, and it's not exactly private, but at the same time I don't advertise it or go guilt tripping people into trying to understand me. If they want to, cool. If not, cool. I don't really tell people about it, though, either. Just like my thoughts. I don't share with people unless they ask, and even then I may not.

Some of my past journal entries and my past blog posts..
I really,really don't like to read. I've forgotten who I used to be, and I kinda want it to stay that way. I don't want to trigger a return into the person I used to be. It's a person I don't want to know.. after all, they almost murdered me. They caused alot of people grieve that was totally unneccesary. And it was never who I truly was.. all that person was is the result of many accumulated insecurities and doubts about my intentions. Because bad things kept happening, I made the assumption that it was the way I had intended it all along. Grandiose thoughts, to an extent (>.<;)I'm done with that. I live life day by day now.

I'm lucky to be alive though, honestly. I did some stupid things back then. I was told I threatened to hurt someone.. but that.. I want to believe that person.. well, no I don't. I want to agree with them to help put the past where it belongs. But I don't really think that I had threatened anybody.. I think it was a misunderstanding. But my memory is so foggy from back then, I certainly won't dismiss the possibility.. Still, being told I threatened to KILL someone.. that seems like a far stretch, especially since the motif I opperated under was only hurt myself because I hurt others. What I was told by that person makes no sense.. none. I hated myself for even having a nightmare that I was torturing someone. And I looked up what dreaming of torturing someone means:

"To dream that you are torturing others or see others being tortured, suggests that you are punishing yourself for your own negative or bad habits. You are projecting yourself onto the person or animal being tortured. Consider the symbolism of who is being tortured. Alternatively, the dream may indicate repressed feelings of revenge which you are not able to act on in your waking life. "

The only reason I had that dream is because I had been hurt so badly. I never dreamed of killing them or anything.. it was torture, and when I woke up I cried. I hated myself... So I was really torturing myself. And I really was, I swear. I think after that dream I hurt myself in realitym too. It was the worst mental trap I had ever had.. and I think I want to cry now even remembering it. Gotta close the bedroom door, though..

Damn, if it wasn't the worst nightmare I ever had.... I live to help people. To HEAL people.. so a dream like that.......
*sigh*
I don't want to hurt people.. I don't want to see them hurt like me. I don't..
To see people hurt causes me the worst pain,especially if I cause it, because I empathize. I empathize against my will.

Summer is passing too quickly..

It's pretty sad, actually. When I first was released for break, I was sad. I didn't think I would actually be able to use my time to relax, and that even if I could, I would be bored to wits end. I've found the truth to be quite the contrary. I actually HAVE restored some of the sanity last year, and have also taken advantage of my free time to learn,learn,learn.. about topics and things that interest me, and also about people. And I've helped people,too. It's like I haven't lost anything at all, and guess what? I haven't genuinely tried to kill myself once this whole entire summer :O Wow! What an accomplishment, and I'm not even being sarcastic. It's not to imply I haven't had my ups and downs, because I'll tell ya, I have. I'd be lying if I said everything's been perfect, and my life has gotten simpler and better. Truly, it's probably gotten worse. I've just gotten better at appreciating the things I have, I guess.. Soon, though, things are going to start getting hectic. All beginning with my 17th birthday, which odd enough, seems like it's already in the past. I've been thinking I was already 17 practically the whole year.. *sigh*
People would ask me how old I was, and I would honestly have to think about it. It's so pathetic :3 It's so fun to be pathetic ^3^

Anyways~ back on track. After my birthday, I will probably be going to my friend's house. Er, I just remember that I'm gonna have to go to the doc's soon. I have some cysts or something growing on my wrist, and I'm starting to not be able to move my thumb on mah left hand, and that's annoying as hell. Anyways, after that it's my birthday, THEN I go to my friend's house, THEN I go to a band camp in the mountains for a week as a camp councelor in training, THEN I go to another band camp which is really a conditioning period for marching band and it lasts a week while.simultaneously I will be attending an AP prep class thing for two days out of the five when band camp takes place, and will be at school from 8am to 9pm. Woo~
And then~
school starts. so much for a summer "vacation" >.<
but then again, I suppose I prefer it this. Life on the edge. Boredom is the worst thing for me..
So school will start. Wonder what those days will bring.. that friend whose house I wanted to go visit.. well, she was my oldest friend. I've known her for 13 years...
that's most of my life :\ It will be sad with her not being there, but I think I'll be able to survive :0 I have other friends who don't mind my company too much, and actually like me to an extent. And I'm constantly making new friends, too. Something tells me that next year will be a year where I find myself and create a definite stronghold in the way I think, and most things I belief, and the idea of that is exciting!
It will also be a year where I discover who the people who matter in my life are.
I'm really curious.. though I know I have people who care for me outside of school, already. Various people who would probably marry me on the spot if I hinted was interested.. which is w/e. I can understand why people like me once they get to know me. It's because I care, and most people out there don't. To bad society only permits you to "love" one person. At least in the relationship way. I love alot of people in my life.. meh, I don't understand society. <_>