I went to therapy for the first time in my life today. It was quite interesting,actually..

My therapist and I were discussing various things,but what I really hadn't anticipated was being hit by such a wall of emotions at this early of a point. In that room, I felt as if everything I had been holding in was on the verge of spillin out anyway,despite the effort I had made to maintain my composure,but what we hit a particular topic..... Him.....

I should've know at that point it would be over,and whatever impression I had tried to give of being a strongminded individual would disappate with my pride. I cried tonight,more than I had cried in a long time,and there will be no hiding, from this point out, the way my emotions toward that situation still do have their hold on me. But we agreed to figure out a way to work through those painful things,and for once,I believe that perhaps the outlook will not be so bleak.

I.. For once am at a loss for words... I'm.. So mixed up inside. My friends need me more than ever,and everybody is depending on me,too,yet.. Nobody could know the type of things I'm dealing with in my mind and heart every night;every single moment when I am left alone,I feel my spirit breaking all over again.. But I can't utter one single word for these empty feelings. I have not the strength to validate -no,reinforce what is true. I look at my friend so sad,and I try to help her,but what can I do when I cannot look her in the eyes when I say everything is going to be okay? What can I do to help her when I am never sure what I can do to help myself..? I'm a bloody hypocritic,damned either way. I don't even know if I'm going to be okay this time,either.. By a stroke of luck I've managed somehow,thusfar.. And every second those same old thoughts persist in gaining some hold of me,so it's a constant war. My war in solitary confinement. I'm screaming out silently with the wish someone could hear my thoughts.. But no one ever will. Can you imagine the frustration? The frustration with not only the situation,but especially with myself.. Who would guess? Even if they could,who would care? Who could really afford to?

I wonder if it's because my dopamine levels are down because of yesterday,but I do feel particularly suicidal today >_>... Dunno why,barely care more than wanting this feeling to stop. At other times like these, I have taken action,and who knows what will happen today.

God, I won't venture to say you've forsaken me,but it hurts so bad... To live. My head hurts because of my thoughts,and I feel so lonely and lost..... Please let my suffering be worth it. That's all I ask. I'll take it upon myself as long as need be,but please somehow continue to guide me along so I can know I have a purpose.... Please let me hear the thoughts by which I am being swayed..
Amen.

You never know when your life is going to end,or when your heart may simply stop.. I have to do the things I would if I knew I were going to die soon. For all I know,we all have the same terminal illness
-it's called "humanity".

Where's my head?
Not to make it so that everything I say is pessimistic,but lately I feel more and more like I'm directly in the line of losing it completely. Before I was fine,but I have no idea what to think now. Everything around me is changing at such a rate, I must have been a fool to hope to remain the same. How in the world am I going to survive without my friends??
.;':..(.*~__~)

...the fuck just happened to me? One of the worst psychotic breaks of my life,but why?

My heart was spazzing out of synch.. How long is my body going to cry wolf before it truly fails me?

Meh, it feels like I'm dying,mentally. The sad part is I can't make myself care,because with the mental dying comes numbness,which I must have needed. Apathy,when I can't stop caring about people,or the memories that torment me.

nd I need something tangible to hold on to while the rest of the world begins to spin out of synch,in time with my mind.

ectrum of full bipolarity;including those stemming from depression. Good and bad,decision making,the constant feeling time is wasting along with the thou

out ideas I know are not good,yet at the same time they're the only ones I hear,being shouted the loudest,drowing out my logic. Abstract needs to cease,a

ghts spinning up above,nowhere to escape,so many actions to take....
I'm not sure what the hell I should do,but oh,does my other side of the mind scream

to think ideas through,which while it may be similar to what I am going through now,the range of things that could happen expands towards those in the sp

ng my ADHD medicine,adderall, I know I put myself at a far greater risk for consequences that are negative,such as impulsive behavior for a lack of will

logic is starting to unravel,fraying,and tearing rationality apart at the seams. This is also something that tends to frighten me. If I were to stop taki

s remembering our state of being that led up to out decisions that led to said results. The way these words spin out of my head, I know my straight-line

moments,otherwise we put ourselves in a position to fall prey to the same result. It's more than simply remembering the mistake and how it was made; it'

then I had forgotten why I had ever thought so in the first place after it had gone. We must not forget that we have forgotten what it was like in those

an unwelcomed guest. I remember I used to think I had lost my mind completely when confronted with such sinister ideas, reacting in whatever ways I had,

say that piano is one of my lifelines to escape the "now". I don't know what caused my pessimism to reawaken,but.. It was certainly a gradual process,and

nd completely,and play my keyboard in an attempt to concentrate on something taking place outside of my head that requires active concentration. I could

I'm basically secluding myself in my room while my mom,dad,and sister are all preoccupied with Rock Band:The Beatles. I.. Just want to be alone,totally a

I have a really bad feeling.. When I think about something,it's always for a reason. Usually, something happens extremely connected to the thoughts.. And I've been thinking about the death of a loved one;what it is,exactly,that I would do if I lost someone,and all that would become of me. Someone who meant alot to me. For me,someone with a fragile psyche,I'm almost always given time preimptively by a sixth sense to start preparing me emotionally for loss.. It may not seem so odd,but these gut feelings and ways I react without realizing how out of the ordinary they are until later.. There's always a pattern to them. The pattern of preperation says "loss of friend". I.. Don't want to lose anybody. Not again </3 I am.. Not ready. It'd destroy me right now T.T
..I'm afraid. I'm going to pray alot for them,because I know something will happen soon. I've been praying for some people lately,but now I won't let them leave me heart and mind again.. Not until this feeling is gone. I won't let them slip away because I didn't bother to watch out for them.. It's almost panick,frantic as it is,but it.. I won't let this defense mechanism psyche me out. I'll hope my strongest it is merely an illusory correlation. Please let these tangible words cause me to be wrong :(

"All-or-nothing" is an evil mentality.. I know it's a curse that it has taken me captive,but how can I escape it after I had already forfeited to the consequence, subscribing to them from,whatever they may have been, from the very beginning?

I knew when I chose to fall for him, I couldn't turn back;yet I never anticipated that things could turn out this way :(

I'm sorry I had forgotten to tell my friends how much I love them all and appreciate them having come into my life :/ I have had this feeling of impending doom for unknown reasons.. Perhaps one contributing factor,however,was my health being very... Unreliable,to understate the degree of it. Despite the sadness of it, I will know that in my past actions, I brought whatever occurs next upon myself. I made the same mistakes too many times,and didn't learn because I rushed forward seizing any thing I could see as "the obvious answer". I tried to disregard anything outside of my inner world of what I think is logical,and dismiss my own feelings with the justification that "I shouldn't feel this way. It is wrong and unexceptable." ..now I know it was cheap denail. It was pointless.. Pushing things under only let them resurface in time as something much worse. It's too bad.. So many things in this life do accumulate and manifest,it's remarkable. I wonder if all these patterns could be combined into one thing..

Isn't the introduction to anything really the climax? I guess that's why they say it's the beginning of the end..

I'm thinking so much right now about this period of time that's quickly approaching. Senior year, how graduation is practically a mass death in the sense that I will most likely never see the majority of the people I've come to know again,afterwards. And also how this is my last opportunity to make some sort of impact/influence whatever course their lives may take. I have so much I would like to say to so many people. Like how Lilly was feeling a bit lost to herself; how I used to feel that way as well, but the key to knowing yourself is to focus on those actions you have taken,and if you disapprove,taking charge of your future actions and using that to determine the truth of yourself.. Actions and intentions considered,and equally weighted. Hmm.. I should do more,and work to say what I think properly :/

I know the only way to help them is to first find a way to connect, build trust,establish that way in we all openly acknowledge we relate. I will save them! I know I can do it,and I know this is my purpose;this is my fate. As for myself.. Again, I'll sweep it under the carpet so long as I can afford to,so to speak.. As I have. Unfortunately, I am at risk.. And to a higher extent than anybody here could guess because I choose to not let them see me so vulnerable, if I can avoid it. So maybe nobody can see anything other than the one that is.. Shallow as well. They don't realize that there is something other than the obvious beyond my eyes.

le who redicule others for being true... I feel so bad. I feel like it's my purpose to help them understand the ways they affect others..

ic... I try to let people accept me,or not, and people may or may not like it,but I am the way I am. I'm consistant in my inconsistancies. But those peop

just not who I truly am. Everybody here wears this sort of facade..and it is almost disgusting. The one thing I can say about myself is that I'm authent

fect me in a way that's rather undesirable :( In a way it triggers this kind of apathy to the many different kinds of drama occuring around me,and that's

the meantime, I guess I can only wait to see what happens next.
Anything could happen,really......

8-8
People at this camp are really starting to ef

too serious.. Hell,maybe I am. But I hopefully will have been the wiser person in the end to avoid this apocalyptic mess(at least it seems that way). In

y cause more trouble and drama >_<; I just want to go back home a bit.. I mean at least then I wouldn't have to worry about this crap. They may think I'm

h more cruel than you would assume.. Sociopathic,even. Scary world... Scary world :/
I don't want to tell anyone I like him,either.. Because it would onl

' true colors... I try to remain a passive spectator.. Though it is extremely difficult not to become involved,even indirectly. Some,I've learned,are muc

I can feel that;and in this camp surrounded by people my own age, I feel as if I'm dematuring... The gossip circulates,and I gain insight to my "friend"s

doubt he likes me. He at one point liked Lilly,and Lilly liked him,and this girl named Emily likes him..and she... She's somebody sinister. If anything

admit to myself, because..
..well,there are so many types of drama revolving around him,and that is a dangerous place to choose to tread water.. Plus, I

son I was able to get over *him* was because of Aaron. I was never with him,but I did secretly learn to like him,and this is something I'm scared to even

friends both here and "there",and my concern about those things yet to unfold. Even about my own true feelings..
Last year, I remember that the only rea

8-3(?)

So I'm at camp, and I have no paper; yet my mind is strewn with thoughts regarding so many things..

Thoughts about last year, thoughts about my

I think.. Well,no, I must be getting worse again.I stopped meditating and tried to kill myself after a period of time. I need to stay on top of this.. I need to stay consistent in my habit,and make sure I stay balanced out. There's a number of reasons I'm less stable these days;primarily involving the old source of my past instability... A.k.a. him. But still, I've gotten much better. And still, I have the power to prevent myself from going overboard. This time I have the knowledge of the past as a tool to help me avoid making those same mistakes. Let's see how things play out now that a little older and,hopefully,wiser.

Tomorrow I leave for camp. Last year this break from him is the only thing that helped me truly become more independent. It was hell for that reason,but a necessary hell. I hope that this year,that isolation can again aide my maturing process. I need all the insight from above I can get.. I'll make a habit of hiking to the waterfall in the morning alone, on a daily basis, to meditate. Maybe then I will find some answers,and if nothing else,become more fit.
Now,however,I must sleep. A long day is ahead of me tomorrow.

The day before..

..my birthday? Yay? Not quite. Actually, I don't care about my birthday. I don't plan to do anything, talk to anybody, get anything, go anywhere, nothing :\ I don't even feel like I'm really turning 17. This past year I kept thinking I was seventeen anyways.. and there has never been a day where "Mad World"'s lyrics have been so ironic in the way I relate to them. Never. Others are more excited for me than I am, and of course no one would see I was depressed today. Oh yes, I am a good person to hide their emotions from the rest of the world. Nobody could even guess that suicidal thoughts were constantly running through my head all. day. long.

What is one to do when nothing in the world could possibly make them happy, and nothing that had happened caused them to become depressed in the first place?

I'd like to think "give up." is not the answer..
I really would. Come on, life. Bring it. I know you can hurt me better than that.
Even though I did.. hurt myself today. I guess others would say it was pretty badly. Of course I told no one. I never tell people.. nor do I admit how screwed I really am. Maybe they'll find out after..
meh.

I let it hapen again. I let my thoughts accumulate to the point where they're overwhelming. I have to deal with them to let them go, but I didn't. I can't. It's too much.. too many.. it would take too long. It would hurt too much. Dreams fail me, so I'm just gonna..........

Scrawled words unspoken.

Today during class I was looking at my old journal.. and it's sad how many entries there were basically things I wish I could have said, but never could. Things I wanted people to know, but they never did. Even to this day..
Some I intended to share, but I never got around to it. Most of them I glad I never had, too; but some.. some of those things I still wish I could say, and some of them I wish I had when it would have mattered. I wonder how fate would have been altered had I played those cards.. but there's no point in living in the past.
..I wish my heart wouldn't contradict the things I say :(
I'm not too different in the way I tend to keep to myself. Back then I was a little bit too open about my private thoughts, and I though secrets were taboo.. but it turns out honestly hurts alot less than words spoken that were unwanted. I have my blog here, and it's not exactly private, but at the same time I don't advertise it or go guilt tripping people into trying to understand me. If they want to, cool. If not, cool. I don't really tell people about it, though, either. Just like my thoughts. I don't share with people unless they ask, and even then I may not.

Some of my past journal entries and my past blog posts..
I really,really don't like to read. I've forgotten who I used to be, and I kinda want it to stay that way. I don't want to trigger a return into the person I used to be. It's a person I don't want to know.. after all, they almost murdered me. They caused alot of people grieve that was totally unneccesary. And it was never who I truly was.. all that person was is the result of many accumulated insecurities and doubts about my intentions. Because bad things kept happening, I made the assumption that it was the way I had intended it all along. Grandiose thoughts, to an extent (>.<;)I'm done with that. I live life day by day now.

I'm lucky to be alive though, honestly. I did some stupid things back then. I was told I threatened to hurt someone.. but that.. I want to believe that person.. well, no I don't. I want to agree with them to help put the past where it belongs. But I don't really think that I had threatened anybody.. I think it was a misunderstanding. But my memory is so foggy from back then, I certainly won't dismiss the possibility.. Still, being told I threatened to KILL someone.. that seems like a far stretch, especially since the motif I opperated under was only hurt myself because I hurt others. What I was told by that person makes no sense.. none. I hated myself for even having a nightmare that I was torturing someone. And I looked up what dreaming of torturing someone means:

"To dream that you are torturing others or see others being tortured, suggests that you are punishing yourself for your own negative or bad habits. You are projecting yourself onto the person or animal being tortured. Consider the symbolism of who is being tortured. Alternatively, the dream may indicate repressed feelings of revenge which you are not able to act on in your waking life. "

The only reason I had that dream is because I had been hurt so badly. I never dreamed of killing them or anything.. it was torture, and when I woke up I cried. I hated myself... So I was really torturing myself. And I really was, I swear. I think after that dream I hurt myself in realitym too. It was the worst mental trap I had ever had.. and I think I want to cry now even remembering it. Gotta close the bedroom door, though..

Damn, if it wasn't the worst nightmare I ever had.... I live to help people. To HEAL people.. so a dream like that.......
*sigh*
I don't want to hurt people.. I don't want to see them hurt like me. I don't..
To see people hurt causes me the worst pain,especially if I cause it, because I empathize. I empathize against my will.

Summer is passing too quickly..

It's pretty sad, actually. When I first was released for break, I was sad. I didn't think I would actually be able to use my time to relax, and that even if I could, I would be bored to wits end. I've found the truth to be quite the contrary. I actually HAVE restored some of the sanity last year, and have also taken advantage of my free time to learn,learn,learn.. about topics and things that interest me, and also about people. And I've helped people,too. It's like I haven't lost anything at all, and guess what? I haven't genuinely tried to kill myself once this whole entire summer :O Wow! What an accomplishment, and I'm not even being sarcastic. It's not to imply I haven't had my ups and downs, because I'll tell ya, I have. I'd be lying if I said everything's been perfect, and my life has gotten simpler and better. Truly, it's probably gotten worse. I've just gotten better at appreciating the things I have, I guess.. Soon, though, things are going to start getting hectic. All beginning with my 17th birthday, which odd enough, seems like it's already in the past. I've been thinking I was already 17 practically the whole year.. *sigh*
People would ask me how old I was, and I would honestly have to think about it. It's so pathetic :3 It's so fun to be pathetic ^3^

Anyways~ back on track. After my birthday, I will probably be going to my friend's house. Er, I just remember that I'm gonna have to go to the doc's soon. I have some cysts or something growing on my wrist, and I'm starting to not be able to move my thumb on mah left hand, and that's annoying as hell. Anyways, after that it's my birthday, THEN I go to my friend's house, THEN I go to a band camp in the mountains for a week as a camp councelor in training, THEN I go to another band camp which is really a conditioning period for marching band and it lasts a week while.simultaneously I will be attending an AP prep class thing for two days out of the five when band camp takes place, and will be at school from 8am to 9pm. Woo~
And then~
school starts. so much for a summer "vacation" >.<
but then again, I suppose I prefer it this. Life on the edge. Boredom is the worst thing for me..
So school will start. Wonder what those days will bring.. that friend whose house I wanted to go visit.. well, she was my oldest friend. I've known her for 13 years...
that's most of my life :\ It will be sad with her not being there, but I think I'll be able to survive :0 I have other friends who don't mind my company too much, and actually like me to an extent. And I'm constantly making new friends, too. Something tells me that next year will be a year where I find myself and create a definite stronghold in the way I think, and most things I belief, and the idea of that is exciting!
It will also be a year where I discover who the people who matter in my life are.
I'm really curious.. though I know I have people who care for me outside of school, already. Various people who would probably marry me on the spot if I hinted was interested.. which is w/e. I can understand why people like me once they get to know me. It's because I care, and most people out there don't. To bad society only permits you to "love" one person. At least in the relationship way. I love alot of people in my life.. meh, I don't understand society. <_>

I feel like I'm dying again. My organs are twitching and I feek weak. It's hard to hold my arms up and my legs tingle.. I really hope I'm not.... There's too much left to do,learn,and say. But I'm truly alone tonight,even if people are there... i'm not depressed. More so pensive. I'm just trying to stay optimistic through all these odd symptoms and strange tastes in my mouth.. People could understand my intentions to easily.. I fear I never described well enough... But I'm not dead. Prolly not dying. I just feel like I am. Kinda. gah,idk.. i'm so.. Out of it,it's not normal.

So much for sleep. That went nowhere.. But at least the night passed quickly.

I'm tired again. I think maybe the transition has taken alot out of me in general,but then when did it truly begin? It's be a long journey, that's for sure. I hope I'm not cheating the learning process.. I continue to shake. Not too long ago, I froze. Part of who I used to be appeared,but given the situation.. I'm not surprised. I panicked. Only in that situation would I haved. He is,after all,the sole link to who I was. As much as he fears the lack of change, I do more. I try to learn and improve,but I'm still a fool; I know that. I still slip,too. That's okay.. I just need to get up and recover,and not dwell on mistakes. I need to not be a hypocrite and follow my own advise. Naiveity.. I need help right now :/ I need guidance

This way I feel:

It's strange. Good things happen, and they have more frequently to me. I'm waiting for the comedown from this emotional high.. afterall, it can't last forever.. right? I mean, I want it to, but.. If all I never knew was happiness and bliss.. then that happiness would cease to exist. And I would forget everything I ever gained, and that scares me.. I'd lose my understanding, and that's something I never want. Still, don't I deserve happiness too? Happiness without doubt..? But I do doubt. I doubt the authenticity of it all. I will openly say I pray regularly. I don't pray to someone in particular, but I pray to all that is good. Religion.. some forces should not be given labels, they should just be felt and known. Understood in a way that can't be rejected or denied, not an opinion. We all want; that cannot be denied. We all do.. And many of us forget what it is to take in life and live without words and definition. The things we feel don't have to be explained. Some things can never be put into words.. they'd only be lost in translation. And still, we try.. But I think I'll just take everything in and observe without trying to make sense of it. Yeah, I'll do that.

"Our Hope For You"

The name of the game is "play smart" without shame, -without doubt, without blame,and always aiming towards change! We don't know if we're playing god, but we hope that things won't stay the same. Even if all hope seems lost, standing tall we shall remain. You'll find that in the end, on us you'd learned to justly depend. And only then when these paths unwind, your story,finally,will truly begin. ~JG

I just realized..

I've always known how to meditate.

I think it must be strange, considering so many people have to practice for a long time just to clear their mind. I remember staring out the window and enjoying the blankness of my mind, and the way everything felt in the moment not wanting it to change for anything. I was just staring. Not thinking, not moving; just staring. I was staring without seeing. I tuned out everything else. I remember that one of the specific times in my memory I was seven. I focused on a plastic piece of food, and nothing could break the concentration of my intent focus on doing nothing but letting my mind remain blank and at the same time absorbing the situation.. Somebody would swipe their hand across my face, yet it didn't matter. The very idea of object permance was gone, along with the rest of my thoughts. There was only me and the object of my focus. That was my world for those moments that stretched on for an eternity. When I meditate, I lose all sense of time. My soul is suspended in a seperate dimension. Most people, I believe, have never been there. Most, I believe, never will. I am a natural, and this leads me to reckon I must have an inclination of some sort. I do have an obsession with altered states of conciousness, and paying visit to different and distinct realities. I've always had an obsession with the prospect of religion and philosophy. Maybe one day it will lead me somewhere special. It is my hope, and it is my dream(literally). I worry, though, that because of I have been placed in a state of genetic predisposition, I may not be able to accept the authenticity of any given experience at face value. Not truly..
Despite this, I'll keep trying. I'll keep practicing. Maybe I'll finally lose the world, and my biased sense of what this reality is.

Man, James; I will never take that boy for granted <3 I love him alot. And I know he loves me too. That's the best part. He'll always be near, even if he is physically far. He'll always be in my heart and memories. Love isn't a term to be thrown around loosely, either. Not in my opinion. He cares indefinitely;altruisticly. There's no ulterior motif. I trust him,and he does the same to me, so why does Maria.. Why does she have to show up and try to stir up trouble? What is this, charma? She's the old me, so what should I do? I can't help but worry, and James knows this,too. A "friend,"she calls herself,but she leaves us mentally weary. I guess we'll have to wait and learn how things will turn out.

It's all surreal..

The ways things happen.. they really leave me in a state of wonder. And I guess that it's pretty much the best way to describe it through my eyes. I sit in my room as the sun sets.. I ponder everything that it took to get me here. It must have been alot. Alot for me to not just crumble today, as I would have before. Haha, imagery of a gingerbread cookie. Inside, that was the equivalent of my consistancy.But now I can just say "Oh well." and leave it at that, perfectly content. And for me to say that, it really did take alot. I feel inspired by the air around me today.. I can't take credit for the thoughts.. it seems like they were merely given to me by something above myself, beyond my understanding. I'm so happy now. I'm so happy..

I trust life to lead me along.

She finds it fun. This i know. She is a bruja, I am a curandera. i am a guerrero, combatting la loccura arising from the prospect of battle itself.

I don't know why it seems like time is the answer to everything. A moment ago it wasn't, and in the next moment, I know it won't be either. So why,right now, does it seem true? I guess time will tell.
..or not.

"Sad Little Bit of Irony"

I feel like I'm drowning
muffled screams do nothing
only a few fingers are left above the surface
once they go under,what once had been hope is gone forever
even while being weighted down by guilt,
and I swear I'm still trying to stay afloat,
others point,not for someone to save me
but to discuss how the situation was all my fault.

can somebody please explain to me exactly
what seeing this should make me think?
I start to believe that perhaps,actually,
it's funny for them to watch me sink.

in a strange way, I find it comforting
that they don't care if my life is lost..
yet if this is my final impression for the whole of humanity..
another statistic is gained to them,but I can only wonder at what cost.
The lack of oxygen may be catching me
but the saddest thing about this picture
is that even I,the victim,still know of empathy
and even in death, I am,for them,feeling pity

The saddest thing is.. even knowing those answers.. You can't always stop it, and once it hits you.....
that's it.
It hit me.

What they see,however, is different. They see a future that is doomed to worsen in ways yet to be concieved,and they couldn't dare to imagine...
Meh.
On another note, I believe many people write because they don't have faith that their actions will speak for themselves with the words they originally wished they would convey...... They try their hardest not to be misunderstood as being malicious and completely selfish with their writings by showing the reader many details in an attempt to assure themselves(the authors) that they weren't truly that way. Insecure; I admit that I am one of those writers. I always had done it on a subconcious level for that reason.. But I guess.. I failed in my purpose.

they can to avoid it,not even realizing that they were not only already in its wake, but at the climax,where things could only get better.

approaching again and succumb to the thought that its arrival is inevitable unless we find a way out of that set path, and some panic. They do whatever

during these periods of emotional akwardness, many have been seen to have committed suicide.. Especially among the bipolar population. We see depression

re,and it's easy to misunderstand as we each have given that word our own meaning depending on our own past. Then again, it could be considered a vice,as

y transitional periods between depression and being.. Not depressed.I won't exactly call it normal,since I'm not really sure what that means for me anymo

at the time.. It's really too much to ask. We're already tired,and it's like asking a beggar to spare some change. I guess I am lucky in the sense that m

nsity of thoughts influenced by darkness. Of course during depression off the top of our minds would we just dismiss any ideas going against our beliefs

s... It's simply rejected,not eternalized on any level. Maybe it's pushed into the subconcious,but even there it is overwhelmed by the magnitude and inte

y logic at the time.. And when something contradicts what we believe, unless we find reason within ourselves by the majority of our "concientious" belief

ea is still there,regardless. It's not that I don't want to be helped or told something,much less accept it so easily as it is told, but it contradicts m

ognition in that they can identify with it. Yeah, it's childish,but I don't believe it is at all an exaggeration. I may be doing it passively, but the id

d when they answer, I start again. But that explanation is all obviously in a figurative sense, and I'm sure the analogy can grant anybody a sense of rec

e logic and describe how my train of thought is being biased my my own method of mental self-sabotage, I pretty much go "LALALALALAICANTHEARYOUWUT?!?" an

completely shut down.. I can't be bothered to listen to any explanations and sort things out. I think "How I feel is absolute." so while people try to us

*sigh*
It's at least a good thing that I can still recognize that there *is* another side to the argument right now. Usually when I become depressed, I

.. That is alot of ground covered). So does this mean I've internally accepted this role and fallen victim to the self-fulfilling prophecy?

feeling we have come to accept as within the threshold of our generalized personal baseline, and believing I'm bipolar and having experienced what I have

ling me now because I do not understand them. We all have this built in tendency to dislike change while we are in equillibrium and homeostasis(rather a

ion of somebody's intention. Plus so many other questions arise if I accept the idea that some things are beyond my control, and those things are control

to mention solid argument, that this physical feeling of being drained may,indeed,be without reason;Without purpose,cause,and above all, by the implicat

ust of control, it must inevitably be my own fault somehow.
Yes, it takes much more energy to try to translate into a personally coherent explanation,not

t's the easiest thing to believe. No effort has to be made to think that in times of hardship, there is an absolute reason, and that with my internal loc

I'm focusing on a partial truth, so why do I not acknowledge the rest?
..it must be because in times of such little energy, when I'm drained of will, i

t detracts from the true beauty of the impact I have made through my eyes.. Understandably, I become displeased, even suicidal....

Part of me knows that

n.. Reflecting then, I see some selfish,apathetic entity.. Who then also becomes my enemy.. Thinking becomes polarized,leaving out all all subtleties..
I

light... Maybe like a blackhole,even,that sucks the true meaning(including many truths) and genuity of my intentions from all of my previous recollectio

ally wish they never had discovered that part of who I am..
On nights like this I find myself illogically trying to rationalize everything in a negative

hat I even truly become depressed to this extent, or that I probably am bipolar, or anything of the like.
Some do, and for those that know, at times I re

though did I bite off more than I can chew?
..it's an understatement to say I don't like this part of being myself. Most people in my life have no idea t

Oww.. Despair can be so overwhelming.. It's more than I bargained for but nothing that should have been unexpected(given past experiences,especially..),

Wow, I hate not being able to sleep. I hope 5 grams of Xanax will put me out.. X.x
insomnia sucks.

Summertime wishes of increased awareness

..hmm..
Because of the fact that it's Summer, I will have more time to work towards developing my spiritual insight and whatnot. In a container, I have means by which I can achieve this goal. My first attempt failed but.. oh, I should mention that lately, I have become more sensitive to those extremely high frequency pitches that.. draw our attention to our shifting conciousness. I do not know if this is the result of daily meditation, some of my stupidest decisions, or other, but regardless, it is notable. I definitely believe that it's a good skill, as it signaled the onset of a seizure(grand mal), and I can use that knowledge to prepare myself for what may happen if I hear that same tone. It also will give hint to the onset of mania. I hear a pitch right now, though it sounds fuzzy, and I wonder what it represents. In any case, my self-experimentation will continue, and so will my research. After all that I have already experienced, I am prepared for almost anything that these tests may have to offer; positive and negative. I know I am not the only one who puts so much emphasis on my idea of a religious plight of self-discovery. Authority figures, bring it on!

Yesterday was quite an interesting day... For the worse, I'd say. Probably came close to uh.. Dying or something :/ no joke,and it was not intentional, either. Oh well.

I'm worried something may happen to me,so just in case.. Thank you to everybody who has been there for me through everything.. It meant more than anything else ever did.. ..and I'm sorry for not learning lessons quick enough and putting what I did learn to use better,I..
wish it didn't end this way but my heart took to drastic a blow..and I should've said something sooner but I always had dismissed physical,as it was nothing compared to the threshhold of emotional anguish I had trodden upon. Now the people in my life..always meant so much to me. In a girl so insecure about my flaws,rejections or being accepted would make or break me. The way I truly am is not so complex,though I'd always work my hardest to excercise altruism because it gave me a sense of honest fulfillment,and.. I found my plans would go arye more often than not -the pain my mistakes caused I would much rather take upon myself..but the past is unmovable..and the future mocks. So what is there to say,really? I'm sorry. Sooo sorry I couldn't be.. Enough. Indefinitely enough of fill in the blank..
..but please remember me as someone who tried :( 'cause I did.....
and I loved,though I only wished others may dare to understand..
¡hasta todavìa in sus corazònes y piensas!

It made me realize..
That things have changed,that we were once different people.. That the feelings attached to those memories are no longer valid for this very reason. My fears aren't justified anymore, and that.. I am not the only one,surely,who realizes this. Like a river, the effect the flow of time takes on us is gradual; it shapes us,and only upon reflecting can we realize the amount to which it has. The things I believe to be true are biased by the past and my individual perception,and I can take intiative to obstruct,ebb or curve the natural flow of this river so that in the future, the changes I wish may occur in the landscape of my life,and my unique current will be set on the course of a path I wish to trial.

I'm trying to help this girl James introduced me to over YIM,but the conversation is so triggering
~~~~~
dude,she made me cry tears of happy! She's my long lost freakin' sister or something @.@ <3

Huh... Nobody is really completely aware of the war going on inside of me lately.. Which is w/e. I try my hardest not to dwell on it..
..but there are times at night I cry,times that I can't no matter how hard I try, and times I wish I could stop breathing and die,which some of those times I actually tried...
alas, I'm still here,to battle another day. Irritating as it all may be, I have to keep on. Anything could happen on any day, and lately, I am anxious because I feel as if I am always waiting for something bad to happen. It's all surreal,like a never ending dream and I'm a puppet,compelled by the strings of fate. Maybe I'll turn into myself like before

It's been awhile since I've blogged at all.. And now it's almost the end of the school year.. It's not that I didn't have anything to say,but I just bring myself to blog it all. And it was quite alot. So many things occur at such an alarming rate that my head is always swirling with a whirlwind of thoughts. This time of year holds so many memories for me,and I catch myself remembering things virtually everyday that I had otherwise forgotten. It would take a year after I stopped talking to him for all of the painful recollections to end,hopefully. I've become more overwhelmed as the end of the school draws closer.. So many things to do,say,convey.. And it's another conclusion and reincarnation. It never completely ends, and... I don't know what to feel about all of this, or what it really does make me feel. Mixed up inside, I suppose :/ ..so let's just say I'm dizzy.