Virtually nobody...

...really realizes what I do on a daily basis. How many people have I helped today? I helped one person who was mourning the impending death of a loved one, another who was mourning the loss of a relationship, listened to somebody speaking about their frustration about their living situation, another about the release of the worry of their friend and their self, another person about their depression and suicidal thoughts, another person about their father's illness, dealing with the aftermath of an article I've published and responsibility I've taken on, sometimes I just want to shut everything out. Even right now, I'm being spoken to by a friend. Do people think I give them my full attention, that they're the only thing that I could possibly have to think about? That they're my whole reality?

Oh yeah, then there's my friend moving back to Fresno and telling me about her classes. At least we'll be the same class together. Honestly, though, why do I do this to myself? It's so funny, because from another person's perspective, they think... oh god, and that reminds me of the other girl that was complaining because she said I was ignoring her =_=

WHY?

I'm already dealing with illness... At the same time, I realize it isn't all about me. I beyond know that, but I have to watch out for myself, I know...

...well, at least his self-esteem is back again. I lower myself to raise them up so frequently. School is quickly approaching...

This is becoming such a fast-paced existence... Is that what I want? I seem to be handling it okay, despite the fact that I'm virtually physically dying, roflmao. 30lbs in a month... from not being able to eat. It's such a weird gap between intention and inability. I know I SHOULD be able to do something, I get so frustrated I can't just do it through sheer willpower, yet I can't... like with my social anxiety and OCD. This time, it's anorexia. Not Anorexia Nervosa... I am pretty secure about my weight, generally speaking. I came to the conclusion health outweighs weight a long time ago, and I'm pretty damn fit... at least I was until this past year. Marching band is coming up in a month, but in this condition...

I can't sustain myself... at this rate, I won't even be able to survive, let alone do anything else. I can only lose so much body mass between things start going south VERY quickly... pfft, as if they haven't already been. Disassociation is a blessing and a curse, I suppose. I would be in a remarkable amount of pain right now if I could feel it, I imagine. Well, several people have the same intuitive conclusion of what it is I'm dealing with based upon my symptoms... something I was pretty much expecting for anyways.
It's the one bad thing I haven't had happen yet: cancer.

The doctor didn't even really have to inquire much further past the standard questions, considering I answered each one with "yeah" and she didn't even bother saying why she was doing a blood draw past the full blood panel my psychiatrist recommended I get immediately... like a month ago. Thanks parents. Hahaha...
Several for the lymph nodes. I am positive I have all of the symptoms of lymphoma, excluding one, which I may or may not have (I don't have a thermometer).
I'm certain she knows that, too. She probably realized I'm predisposed. She did have my history on record, after all...

Anyways, not that losing that much weight is a bad thing, I just hope it's fat, lol... I kind know it's not, though. What worries me a bit is that I don't know where a tumor would be. Most likely it's lymphoma, considering I've had almost all of the predisposing illnesses... or almost all of them, and have all of the symptoms specific to that cancer, but my lymph nodes aren't swollen like before... My lung and sinus infection is clearing up as the rash is spreading and I continue to lose weight, becoming further malnourished, but... shit, does it have a specific place, or is it the leukemia type? Because that would suck. Horribly. I'm not too fond of the idea of radiation of any type, period. I'm hyper-sensitive to shit like that. ._. I'm not really worried about dying despite my body pretty much expressing the signs, because my intuition is saying it's going to be okay, I just have to wait for things to proceed, but still, that's kind of annoying. Assuming my intuition is right, and assuming I lose my hair, I'm totally drawing on my head >:D I'll have an excuse to. It will be so badass, but this weight loss thing... it has to end. It has to end soon. It's progressing far to rapidly. I have faith it will end, but I guess I'm just kind of impatient. I want to know the "how" about things... I already know the "why?" at this point. It's funny how I still even want to deny that much. It's not even a bad thing...

My fate is to experience these bad things for the sake of the consequence, and I have long resigned myself to it. There's nothing else I'd want. I gave up my free-will long ago... I guess that allowed me to see past the illusion of it sooner, and I suppose the consequence of that was peace, once I knew how to see it. Pistis Sophia and the Philosopher's Stone... The endless cycle, transcending the peak and resolve, and synthesizing... bridging... 

It's shocking to think people would want to know me, but then it's not... I knew this was my fate. I knew it since I could know anything... I think some do realize what my reality entails... how it relates to their own, and what's coming.

Still, I've got to remember the short-term, too... that's where I'm deficient. Though just as real as what I know is coming, I have to sustain myself... unless this is the critical point approaching. I don't feel it yet, though... and now again I'm reminded that the beauty is the willingly unknown. That's what I chose. That's why they exist. I'll always know love is the why... for better or for worse. It's been a long metamorphosis.

It seems like a tangent, but is it really? Only to everybody else, I guess... but I wonder how far they can see without bridging into what only I've known this whole time. Maybe I don't give enough credit to other people. In some ways, I must not...

Krista tried to talk to me tonight... it's the second time today I've had to turn down the invitation to converse. I really am exhausted. I don't feel like talking to anyone... I barely feel like talking to myself, but at least this gets the thoughts out of my head, even if it physically hurts. The physical pain never seems to outweigh the emotional. Goddamn arthritis. 

I still wonder if being honest about my concerns is the right thing to do or not. I used to think it was selfish, but now I'm realizing that being honest about it allows me to show others it is possible, while I'm living, to be strong throughout my struggles. I've faced so many things alone that other people aren't aware of... they don't even understand my process of coping. It's not surprising I feel alone so often.

...and yet ANOTHER person tries to start a conversation.
....................

Well, there's an example of my introverted characteristics. >_>
So many things locked inside, I need to get them out somehow... self-injury comes to mind, but no. I can't return down that path. I slipped up not all that long ago, and now I have a new scar hidden away from the eyes of the world. I wonder how many of those I have at this point... Way more figuratively than physically, but the physical amount, I'm sure, is astounding... yet I don't count these things. Too many times have I fallen, bumped, scratched, bruised, bled where nobody can see. If I were to cry every time, would I have time to do anything else? It's necessary to retain some level of distance from that pain. I'll save my tears for the very end or take them to the grave. They're a waste of time. 

One thing I can happily say is I haven't been suicidal lately. There's a lot of irony in that statement, because of all times, you'd think this would be the worst in terms of my mood... Nope. Bi-polar disorder, you're such a troll. I'm bound to crash, I just hope it isn't soon. These things I can't really know, either, but there's also no point in dwelling on things I couldn't possibly know. I guess these questions just come and go... and that's okay. Everything is okay.

I remember when I was little... I used to be scared that if I closed my eyes, people would think I was dead, but more significantly, that I wouldn't wake up. Trapped in a perpetual nightmare... I don't fear that anymore. The irony is that there's not much left to fear, because I've been through virtually all of it. Even death, itself. Whatever life brings, the truth remains. Whatever I believe, I am the truth, even if that truth doesn't exist. Semantics don't matter... these utterances are lulling me to sleep. The sound of my thoughts echoing, more meaning lost with each phrase the essence is limited by... yet more falsity is created. Giving is taking, receiving is being gifted.

Now is a time for sleep. To my subconscious cocoon I return.
Home.

Echo...

I am truth.
To be trapped in ambivalence, words seem like sounds, sounds are chaotic, then the question arises: just where is the meaning? (I am truth)
If there's none within, none personal to give, then the question becomes "Just why do we live?" (Is it a choice?)
Sometimes there's a wall there. (Is this an illusion?)
Sometimes there are two verses being sung, yet you don't want to be limited by your perception of the judgement of others. (Are there others?)
No, on the contrary, you are quite alone, left only with yourself... (Can I be heard?)
You project your voice, and only hope for even so much as an echo, something depraved, even corrupt, because in the void there is only you. (Will this make me real?)
Eventually you even start to believe the lies, left alone inside of your cage; the system... (Is there any actual escape from truth?)
Falling into delusion... or is it awakening..? You start to question the validity of your own voice, when the echoes begin to accumulate, rebounding endlessly, and every time you try to speak, disproportionately do those ringing sounds drown you out, til you aren't the truth. (What is truth?)
You're still the slave to loneliness, but now those sounds you hear seem to become more like voices, and they begin to overpower your own. (I have a voice..?)
What is there to do, then, when you don't even know what you're truly a slave to? You become a songbird. (Maybe I always loved to sing; maybe I was never trapped...)
Further into delusion do you fall, because delusion is your only hope. All echoes take a life of their own, but now you have another to play with. Something not of yourself. (I love...)
You cling desperately now to those voices, now songs, but they always seem to go beyond you, beyond your understand, beyond your threshold; those which, even through your relentless pursuit of transliminality, they fade against your will. (If only I could reach a little further, hold a little tighter, maybe they wouldn't leave; maybe I wouldn't have this... feeling.)
In the act of creation, you splinter truth. In denying the whole, fragments you attempt to grab will turn to dust. Still, you try. (I am losing...)
Yearning so deeply, you will be abandoned; eyes fixed on illusion without, ungrounded, with no care for what is within. (It won't stop.....)
Your voice is weak, the echoes are gone, too tired to sing, the symphony you illustrated comes to a grand finale. Silence is the harmonizing feature of a beautiful song. (I am lost.)
Memories resound like echoes, playing over and over until they, too, are senseless. The purpose of a beginning is to have an ending. Something was real, but it wasn't you. (Now I understand...)
The sense resolves into chaos as truth begins to to emerge once more, taking you under, into its calling. (...)
... (I am truth.)

I tend to forget things...

...pretty easily. It's been a problem since I was little because it was a survival mechanism I had to access frequently. Pretty quickly I forgot the pain of yesterday, but it's true what they say.. The initial wound may heal,but scars never fade. Sometimes those scars hurt, and it seems that,like when you are hurt deeply,there is a reccurent ghosted throbbing,even if only in memory. This is probably it.. I may or may not be bipolar, but there is pain below the surface that byfar surpasses anything I could feel in one given moment. Pain that has accumulated over the passing of years and that I fear I will never be rid of. It comes to surface randomly.. and I,many times, can't say from where. I have forgotten, and this I will not forget. It's a shame,though, that when it breaks across that fine line it can ruin my moment,the present, the future..

Is this all a product of my psyche? And if it is, damn me. Why would I put myself through such unnecessary torment? It's not a concious choice, anyways. If I could end this, I would. I've tried and failed, and been reassured that this is something beyond me.. something that I can't completely alleviate on my own,or at least not through the courses of action in which I had engaged in. I don't like to be weak and dependent. I don't like to not have the answers,dwelling my own ignorance without direction..
Others say the first step is always acknowledgement, well OK. I did that.. I did that a long time ago. I can try to stay positive, and yes, I do my best. I've even tried to disregard it,sweep it under the carpet so to speak, but when the dust-bunnies clump together,pretty soon you have a monster and you can only wonder how you got in so far over your head. It's a scary feeling :\ I'm just glad,above all else,that I'm not there anymore.
My whole life, I have been warned, this will be a very significant part of my truth. Pat told me that my challenge will not to be overtaken by my depression.. that is the single biggest challenge I will have in my life.

According to official statistics, about a million people die by suicide annually, more than those murdered or killed in war.[35] According to 2005 data, suicides in the U.S. outnumber homicides by nearly 2 to 1 and ranks as the 11th leading cause of death in the country, ahead of liver disease and Parkinson's disease.

So why don't people consider mood-disorders a war of their own esteem? If you're a survivor of a physical war, it usually surmounts to dumb luck, but if you are a veteran of this type of internal war.. it is a result of courage and preserverance. That, I think, is worthy of being honored.

Graduation

People keep talking about how we're seniors and we're going to be graduating and how "Oh, it's so great".. all this crap.. but you know what? I don't even know if I'm going to make it to then. My mom ordered my cap and gown and
[evidently I fell into a coma not long after]

without regrets

There were some important things I had to learn this year.. like learning to let go. It has always been hard for me to know that I may actually care for people more than they particularly care about me,at least it was until I considered it in a different light. When somebody addresses their own need, the fuel mine. That's what allows this universe to function as it does..

"Everybody always says to live life with no regrets, but when you do,they get mad.."

It's like you can focus on hearing spoken words, or you can focus on the meaning behind them. You can focus on an individuals action, or you can focus on what they may have intended. You can present yourself like an encyclopedia, used only when those in need seek, or you can present yourself like an ambiguous excerpt, implying you have more meaning than you actually do.

.....

Use me, discard me like trash, tell me I am useless since you took all the good in me, tell me that I was nothing more than an object, the value to be drained at your disposal. Tell me.. tell me that you lied to me this whole time, that you were just like all of the other people who put such complete faith in.. tell me that this is all I meant to be to any person who could every come to mean anything to me for the rest of eternity. Tell me that I'm doomed... that this is fate.. Tell me how this is all my fault, had always been my fault, to blame myself, that I should be ashamed of myself.. Please, tell me I'm wrong, oh, so wrong..

Understanding our natural preferences had, at one point, been as natural as breathing, yet so much conditioning got in the way, and so much "knowledge" was acquired that would corrupt our intuitive judgment.. our understandings of our understandings became corrupt.

Desperately I try to retain whatever insight I have in my blessed moments of wisdom, try to remember "the truth".. and I guess the truth must be that we cannot always know the truth. We may not always understand the truth, but the truth will still exist. We may not touch,smell,taste,breathe,see the truth.. but it may be understood...

But what am I trying to do with my words and ways? Am I putting faith in her words or actions, because both have failed.. or am I putting my faith elsewhere.. Am I investing in my intuitive judgment of her nature? My beliefs are something I can maintain,regardless of changing circumstance, so in a way, if I were to put my full faith in her, judging initially that she is one pure of heart, and then considering that judgment a constant.. then no matter what mistakes she made, if she was truly pure of heart, the original pattern of behavior should persist despite the random errs of human nature.


Well, I need to remember it's okay to forgive myself for what I misjudged. It's natural for people to make mistakes.. and I can only justify forgiving myself, justify loving myself, if I choose to forgive and love others,as well.

... tell me I don't understand. tell me I don't care. tell me I'm wrong. tell me I don't love you, and that you're truly all alone. tell me I'm just a liar. tell me this isn't killing me. tell me those things if you believe they are true. I will swear to you they aren't.

Nobody really realizes...

How at risk I truly am. I'm trying; I'm trying desperately to figure out what it is I need, but I haven't found it, and I'm running out of time... I have limits. I can only withstand so much... I am about to meet my humanly threshold, and when that happens, nothing can stop what will happen in consequence. Nobody can. I'm just waiting to die, anyways... I guess it doesn't really matter, after all. I'll stop soon. They say insanity is going something over and over, while expecting a different result. I've been insane, trying over and over to find something that probably doesn't even exist. Something that won't exist in time.

"Something I wasn't sure of,
but I was in the middle of
Something I forget now,
but I've seen to little of..."

here we go again

I guess it must not really be new...

I keep thinking I just suddenly became this way... forgetting over and over... Forgetting I forget. I make the same mistakes, and I know it's necessary, but will it be the death of me?
    5/2010
"...but my intention never was to hurt her. I've never intentionally acted specifically for the sake of hurting people sadistically in my life. Especially not those I love... I don't trust myself, however. I'm so self-absorbed all the time, how could I possibly show real love? I'm just an inconsiderate moron, so wound up in their own affairs that they don't even notice themself becoming the very things they so strongly strive to oppose. What would she prefer? Me being honest, or me being a good friend? How could she appreciate and love something so disgraceful when everybody else (including its resident) would disown it? I know she is pure, kind and strong, yet... what would it mean to hope for love in return or to ask for it? I think it's wrong... selfish, despite its honesty... or maybe I've been wrong all along. I need to sleep. I need help from my dreams."

Why do I end up back there so frequently? I can see how deeply woven into my internal concept this motif is... very much at the core.

5/2010
"I know I must forgive her, them, us... So I'll pray. It will be a prayer of utmost sincerity... They couldn't have known what it meant... It's not their fault... It's a fault of the process; the negative that must exist for there to be love... for there to be love... I will be proactive... One day they will learn, and though it does not bring me comfort to think that they will suffer, too... I know they must learn their own lessons, just like I must... Yeah, that irony smarts a bit, but I just need to laugh it off."

This was over 2 years ago... both of these entries...

5/2010
"There's really nothing anybody could do about my feelings (or lack thereof), but Pat said I should not isolate myself because it gives no positive memories to draw strength or hope from, but...
I don't personally feel love, don't truly know any reason to fight for it, and it's like never even existed. Nobody could make me remember then, and all I know is pain. All I knew was the pain of ours that they wouldn't even know..."

...and yet another,
"Meh, Sara says they do care.
Sara contradicts herself with her own words.
Sara doesn't see the irony of being objective.
Sara couldn't know in this way, I shouldn't blame her.
So who is at fault, if anybody?
Aren't I the judgmental one?
In what strange universe am I superior?
In what deranged mindset am I different?
I fear this is all I could ever know to think,
I'm scared there's no purpose in learning."

I wrote so many poems...

"Nothing
there is nothing
that could help it
there is nothing I lack
nothing I need
nothing I want
but I'm still here

I don't even want to think about it
I want to not think

I don't want to do anything
which means I want to do nothing
and when I say I don't want it, it really means
I want to not want"

I'm so fucking done.

I'm tired of this bullshit. Life is bullshit. Yeah, this is the ego speaking, but guess what? It was never my real self to begin with. I'm tired of suffering every fucking day without reason. I'm tired of pretty much fucking everybody and everything. Except my cat. Sad that an animal is the closest I ever came to feeling cared about or dare I say loved. Better to die sober. Just to prove how fucking spent I am. I don't care about peoples' expectations. Yeah, I let them down, I let you all down, I don't care anymore, I can't care anymore. I have no reason to live; I'm done pretending I do. There was no meaning; I knew that. Make one up... I'm done. There is no point. NO POINT. I've been in pain for years, over 50 psychiatric medications, tried to kill myself so many times before. I will not fail this time. It isn't an option. Especially not the way I plan it. I will be dead. I don't care. I don't care what people will think about this. I don't care if it hurts. I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I should feel this, and I should feel that; bullshit. I'm not killing myself for the sake OF hurting people, I'm not killing myself to run away. I'm killing myself because I have no reason not to. I haven't had one for a very long time. No more running away... I'm gonna die anyways in the future, so what does it matter? What does my stupid life even mean to anybody? I'm socially isolated and I don't care. I don't fucking care. Everybody leaves. Now it's my turn. That something I needed... it was always just out of reach. Always; torture. I'm done with people pretending to care. I'm pretending not to. Now to make some final... I don't even fucking know. Wrapping this whole bullshit existence up and tossing it away with my life.

I said I'm making progress...

...but is it really the truth?

  I'm so depressed right now. I know my depression hasn't been as bad as it could be, otherwise I'd be considering suicide more seriously right now, so I guess that's good. Looking back tonight, however, at my past and questioning if coming out of the coma, into a world of difference, was the ethical thing to do for everybody else and myself. All perceived good AND bad was the product of that, and I'd been able to say that was justified to think it simply balanced out as an equation, but then it occurred to me today... that's not the best analogy. For some people, life truly isn't fair (in their perspective)... Would it be more just to return? Was it wrong of me, despite the good intentions? The Pistis Sophia.. This place of suffering and prosperity that I ended up; the product of my own decision to deviate... is it my fault? I know in the end, it all adds up to 1... truth... It began as one, and it doesn't matter how it fractures, it's still one in total, but did I taint it?
  How many are suffering and have suffered, because of me? Will those who have suffered... no, they'll still deviate, despite time... because they're me. My life isn't really necessary in the bigger picture, whether I live or die; I do this only for myself, consider all as an extension, knowing no true damage can be done, yet I gave birth to this illusion through... love. Is love ever a mistake, or is it an illusion? I... know, good or bad, or neither, it's my fault, but then what is the purpose of illusion? Was I deceived? In the end, she return, Sophia did, through admitting her fault... Was this a wrong, to make the other side right? But it's neither... isn't it? How much is dogma, how much is illusion, and why... can't I see beauty? Without it, my intuition is blinded, and I wander aimlessly, purposelessly... I could signify the turning point; the return... but... is that what's best?
I hate how I have this much power because of what I discovered. I hate it.
It's not about me, I know that, but I don't want this responsibility; I don't know how much longer I can handle it.

Maybe I should meditate, yet the storm in my subconscious continues to grow... will I be engulfed in consequence? I'm so frustrated, I want to cry... I feel like I'm forcing myself to live, despite suffering, for no reason... 


I told my friend I wasn't suicidal... I lied... Without beauty, despite this knowledge... I need help. Some sort of help. I'm back to where I was... knowing I need something, but not knowing what it is...


"Something I wasn't sure of, but I was in the middle of,
Something I forget now, but I've seen too little of..."


I'm way worse off right now then I want to accept. I know how close I am to the edge, and how little it takes to cause a domino effect... not much at this point. 

Too many things...

There are sometimes things I want to say; so many I doubt I have the capacity...

Just too much.

So much has changed since I last posted something, but I found a note today... I guess it was from a couple years ago, and it really made me think about things. I guess that's where I'll start.

"4-27-2010(Tuesday)

It's really coming down to the final run, isn't it? I'm not even sure what I'm going to do yet, or if I'm even going to make it...
 It's horrible, isn't it? I have so many things I should appreciate in my life, so many people who care and probably love me, but it can't change the way I feel... oh, the joys of being bi-polar.


So what am I going to do? I'm still running out of time with every second I sit here waiting... slipping away. So much anxiety about possibly making the "wrong" decision, like I carry the weight of the world, though logically I know it isn't the case. What I know is rarely what I feel. I'm so out of it


There's something I know I need, but I'm not sure what it is... Do I even belong here?
             "If you want something, just ask."
If only it were that simple... if only :( 


Clearly I'm pretty powerless right now, limited by my own pride and ignorance... my arrogance.


No, I'm not okay right now... not at all. And it won't stop the feeling. Nothing can stop this feeling... Alone and surrounded... Have I always been alone?


I have to see past this, I have to, or I'll just end up hurting myself again, worse probably...
~
(later that day)
It really doesn't hurt to die... I know this because I have almost died... it would have been so much easier... than this...
~
(later that day)
Meh... So begins the next event. I think I may feel slightly better, but still not very much, and I still would much rather go off on my own and be apart from everybody else."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Looking at my drafts in my blog, that was they day before a suicide attempt. Then I remember Kenny, and the conversations we had the days before his suicide. I revisited them yesterday, knowing that I had to, even fearing what I'd find. What I learned is I did try everything I could... My humanity limited me. It was a period of time when I was very sick, and dealing with the symptoms of Lithium toxicity... I... hope those couple days leading up to his act; I hope... if I had been there, it wouldn't have made a difference. Based upon the way he was talking, it wouldn't have. Maybe that's part of why I was shut down too. I... was preparing. Distancing emotionally. That's what I always fall back on...
I remember now that I had recently been homeless, too. Huge stress on me, already... I was depressed myself.


I guess I'm kind of down today... I wonder if it's as bad as it was then. I can never seem to tell because I don't know how bad it is until I act on it, and I can't tell when I'm actually at the threshold between thinking and doing. I never really talk about it, anyways...


That note was from before I had ever been admitted to a psychiatric ward... I honestly did not believe I would make it to the age 18 back then. Even now, I don't know how long I'm gonna make it... It kind of feels like I'm living, waiting to die. Waiting for the pain to end. But what's the point? What's the difference between that and dying earlier? 


I help people, sure, but it's not like it changes me emotionally... It's not even because it feels good... It can be really tiring sometimes. Like what happened with Kenny.

Shortly after Kenny committed suicide, (when I was already dealing with suicidal ideation) I was date raped by somebody who was supposed to help me cope emotionally... Lovely.


So then, as if this is a shock, I tried to kill myself not long after... what WAS weird that it was subconscious. I took my sleep medication, then after it put me into a state where I wasn't consciously aware of what I was doing (like how ambien makes people sleep walk), I overdosed on two bottles of pills. I woke up and I was so confused... I didn't even know what happened. I didn't remember anything. I still don't. I just knew I was depressed... there were obvious risk factors, but to subconsciously want to kill yourself... subconsciously..... I think that gives insight into something pretty profound.

Hallelujah...

Things have gotten crazy. And when I say crazy, I mean by my standards...

That's saying a lot.


My health is getting worse, I've isolated myself, I'm unmedicated, my parents virtually hold me hostage in my own damn household. I can't even write about it anymore. Thinking about the whole situation is too exhausting... that's as far as I could get, I'm sorry.

It's been awhile; I've been up down and all around~

Now let me tell YOU how much being 51-50'd twice within the period of the same week is... not fun. Especially with the psychiotic lady down the hall you think is speaking intelligently until you learn over closer starts making animal noises, and the ex-con in the room next to you, just after being restraited decides to piss everywhere as a way of sticking it to the man. Or who knows, maybe he really just had to take a piss at a very inconvenient time? In any case, it was not to my benefit, and I heard all the nurses laughing and gossiping, and I just wanted to scream DON'T YOU FUCKING REALIZE SOME OF US ARE HERE AGAINST OUR WILL AND WE DON'T WANT TO PUT WITH THE NOISE OF YOUR PETTY GOSSIP ANY MORE THAN THE FOUL MOUTHED MAN WHO JUST PISSED HIMSELF IN THE NEXT ROOM. But I didn't. Very rarely do I speak my true opinion. I mainly just observe others', and if we share one, GREAT, I can bring up a topic and hopefully have more than a one-sided conversation, and that topic may lead to another, and as I get a feel for their temprament, the way they will generally respond to things based upon the strength of the preferences as indicated through verbal response and even microexpression, I can poke at carrying the conversation to a slightly deeper level. This part is the one where I really start pulling things out of the other person's psych they didn't remember were there or were trying to forget, but I remember usually, these are a essential ingredient in the total unraveling of a person.

Identifying, trust, dysruptive sense of self-worth, empathy, fears, memories(personal experiences), preferences(all kinds), philosophic mindset(receptive, dejecting, comparative, compatible, reflective, Echoic in certain principles) beliefs, adherence to internet compass...

These things are what flavor what we observe in personality and observe in a "person"... But what really is the person? Holos = oneness
perhaps this is an equal amount of void as matter, or a certain amount of matter is leaving from the void, then when the cycle retracts, it will replace probably anti-matter residing on the other side of the void, or blackhole. Like some of those perpetual moving objects... the universe expanding and contracting could be just like that... meaning there may be other sides to black holes... How many other sides... how many factual universe exactly the same ordeal... a motion that only in appearance, ceases, begins, and continues... but never truly began in the first place.

I personally believe any type of order and linear time are illusions...
Time= distance x rate
Okay, besides time being an order we artificially impose on society, it does seen to reprent the rate void could be dislocated within a period of time, using different types of stardized speedometers, timed automatedly, and obstacles. The obstacle (and all of its components) that go through the change are void, and maybe void is even the tiniest substance to exist, and maybe seed of all things as perfect distruction of molecule when there's no place to move as it vibrates would cause an explosion, or even the perception of implosion in the long term, as gravity returns everything to its due place. But what is Gravity? It is a "force" ?

2:09amAh. I try not to let it bother me. It usually doesn't.Report ·
2:09amI won't try to overdramatize the fact that does on occasionbut please know I care for you as a friendand if you ever need someone to talk to, or a shoulder to cry onI'll always try to be there to the best of my ability.Report 2:10amThanks.Report ·
2:11amI feel like some people think I'm addressing them personally when I say these things.Report ·
2:11am"Addressing them personally"?.Report ·
2:12amand in a way I am, but I'm not exclusive to one person, y'know... yeah, with the things I've told them and the promises I've made.Report ·
2:13amAh. Yeah, I know. I've seen at least one of your videos on Youtube. .Report ·
2:14amI still mean those words personally to youbrb.Report ·
2:14amk.Report ·
2:18amfor years I've been attempt to pursue a path of spiritual growth.Report ·
2:18amHow's it been working?.Report ·
2:19amwell, it's hard its ups and downs, but seeing somebody was in smiling, see purpose in life again, eyes-brimmed with hopeit's because of people respect othersand one side presents a more logical or sound point than their own mind has supplied them withthey have a paradigm shift and witch perspective to match the other one*switch.Report ·
2:22amOk, you lost me. Even at the first sentence, I was confused.Report ·
2:22amI've been having a lot of ups and downs with mood.Report ·
2:23amAfter that.Report · 2:23amBut seeing somebody(else) smiiling, watching them rescognize purpose in their life again, and seeing their eyes-brimming with hopethat gives me energyand more hopeand when people respect each other (after identifying with them) if two were debating a point, and one offered a thesis that was more valid and made sense to both of them, they would then procede to synthesize their belief systems, and in a way, it becomes survival of the fittest for the simplest, most sensical theories to be valuedisn't this like brainwashing people?.Report ·
2:27amWhat does the fourth large messa- Brainwashing people who choose to be brainwashed, in my opinion.Report ·
2:28amwhat were you going to ask before?.Report ·
2:28amWhat does the fourth large message have to do with the first three?.Report ·
2:30amit's the potential of what could happen when two people have been through two similar, difficult past experieces may act upon discovering they were only as alone as they were scared to reach out.Report ·
2:31amYes, but that has nothing to do with the first three things you said or I don't see it at least.Report ·
2:31amit's all what I want to cause.Report ·
2:32amOh. Ok. People need an instruction manual for talking to you. It can kinda difficult.Report ·
2:32amespecially when I'm almost certainly maniceven in my normally typing, it tends to come out irregulardoes this all bore you?.Report · 2:34amI don't connect with it. It's not boring me more than I already am, but I can't say I'm interested either.Report ·
2:35amI know it's illogical, but I feel sadness because you aren't emotionally invested as well as mentally engaged.Report ·
2:37amltm, sorry. I don't get emotional if possible. I don't like emotions for the most part.Report ·
2:38amI've thought that before toobefore I realize how useful it can be with memoryand that not dealing with the doesn't make them go away.Report ·
2:39amDoesn't change that I don't like them.Report ·
2:43amwhy don't you like them, anyways?.Report ·
2:44amBeing sad sucks, being angry makes it more likely that you'll do things you'll regret, and happiness is short-lived.Report ·
2:45amthat may have been true for you lifeso farbut there are two types of all of those thingsand their reason for being makes a difference too, because it could be a potential issue to resolve if there is a triggerwhat's your definition of "short-lived", anyways?.Report ·
2:47amDoesn't last long.

My head burns

fuck what everybody else says, I know the truth. all I do is hurt people. people look up to me, but for what? I'm so flawed, so horrible... all I do is fucking hurt people. And they try to act nice and suppress things because I'm so fragile, but I know my fate. I'll just end up alone, and in hell, and I'll stay there. why? because I condemn myself. I don't deserve love. I don't. I deserve pain. I deserve this, yet I'm so weak, I can't even take it. people think they're not good enough for me, well I'm not good enough for them. I'm not good enough for anything. and I can't take this pain. I can't... I can't fucking take it. I'm not strong, they were all wrong... so wrong... I'm a failure, and that's all I ever will be.

And when I finally understand

it is then that I will again awake to ignorance. When I am in total ignorance once more, it is then I will again awake to understanding.

ehhhh...

This is one of those moments where I really just sit and question how the hell I ended up in the position I did. Why? What is it that I feel I'm lacking that I need to keep seeking outside of myself? Why can't I just... accept the pain that's a part of living for me and get used to it? Why do I feel like that pain isn't worth living through, even for all of the people in my life, at times? Well soon enough I'll be bombarded by reasons, and I won't have anything to do with them besides dwell.

Bring on total sobriety.

So many pent up emotions...

I used to have writing, but I don't even have that anymore... even to work these issues out in my mind systematically like I used to is such a painful process, I'd usually rather not bother... until it overwhelms me, then I have no choice. I'm not always sad, no, I know that... I'm not always depressed... but if I was always depressed, at least I could probably get a goddamned handle on the situation. Fuck this. It's not like I don't hold things in myself... I just... never talk about it. I can't talk about it, so nobody knows... Nobody knows how many times I have been standing just a hair from plummeting over the edge, nobody. How is it that fucking trauma from 4 years ago still haunts me? How does it still loops through my mind and manipulate my emotions, putting me in a state like I'm just experiencing it in that exact moment? Still, the only way out is through... if there is even an out. Why should I care? This is a spiritual struggle, it always has been, whether I live or die or not is irrelevant if I won't reach a resolve. And I become so self-absorbed, too... what should matter? Aren't other people just a continuation of the self in some sense? So why do I direct my attention towards one part, when there's even still a bigger picture? I'm sick of standing on the edge of a breakdown, I just want to breakdown already, to get it out of my system. One day I will find an area where I am completely alone and finally let out this scream I've been saving for years... one day.

How do things go so wrong so fast?

I'm so sick of misunderstandings tearing me apart... destroying friendships, but this time it seems different. This time, love will overcome. I have faith in her.

It seems to me...

...like we're all looking for the same thing. That thing we are looking for, it isn't a physical object, not something with a particular size, but a concept. That concept may be peace, or contentment.

Even if somebody was to say in their lifetime, they wish only to find love, isn't it the peace they will have received after achieving their goal what they were really striving for... a type of closure? A relief from a feeling of lack? Likewise, if somebody said that their lifetime goal was to get $1,000,000, wouldn't they be seeking that $1,000,000 in order to feel validated or secure, or to again fill some sort of perceived deficiency? We are constantly striving to discover a means the would help us to achieve our end, but after we achieve that goal, we simply create a new one, and we relentlessly begin pursuing closure in the exact same fashion as we had, not recognizing the pointlessness in seeking some ideal that could never realistically be maintained, but we sure do keep ourselves busy. Maybe when we acknowledge a means as an end in of itself, we'll really have peace. Maybe when we accept we will always be seeking in the state we do unless we end our life yet persist anyway, we can fully own our existence, accept in any given moment we only continue to exist because we consciously choose to, and allow that understanding to empower us. It's like "Meno's Paradox" in the dialogue by Socrates. We all seek to be virtuous in our actions, but being virtuous means attempting to bring ourselves to our ideal state through whatever means it takes. Some people think this means carpetting the world, and people who invest the future of their happiness or ideal state on a situation they do not have control over are bound to end up in more agony when they discover despite trying their hardest, they cannot force everybody else to conform to their inner visions. Some want peace, and want to find a way to end war and conflict, but for there to be a greater peace, those conflicts must exist, otherwise you end up with an oppressive environment with even greater conflict brewing beneath the surface, ready to be unleashed and hurt a lot of people.

But we opt. for quick fixes even if they aren't permanent. It's just like how people self-medicate through periods of depression instead of learning to tolerate them in a normal state of consciousness... Yes, you may escape the problem temporarily, but when you return to that state, you're just going to be in the same position as you were before you self-medicated unless you learn new coping skills. Even if you learn new coping skills, unless you practice them, they will remain ineffective. I think that if you push through a phase of depression and tolerate it, don't do something stupid during it, the memory sticks with you so the next time you're depressed to the same extent, you can remember that you don't have to act because you had survived that state of mind before without doing so, therefore you have the capacity to tolerate at least that. But then does mood/energy level affect your capacity while you're experiencing differences in level, or does your compacity remain the same regardless of mood/energy, with both being nothing more than perception? The former seems more logical, but if it were the case, the only thing a person could really be responsible for would be trying their best to remain, and only they could know whether they did or not, and depending on the person, they may not be bothered if they didn't meet other peoples' standards of virtuous behavior. As they shouldn't be. A person's understanding of what is virtuous for themself is not virtuous for another person because they are different people with different needs. People have good intentions, but because of their ignorance, they often cause more damage to others than do they heal them. When you focus too much on other peoples' needs all of the time neglecting your own, it's difficult to distinguish when you're acknowledging a person's legitimate need or projecting your own needs or desires onto them. "The Good" is the product of virtuous behavior, and I believe it varies from individual to individual.

For myself, just what is it?
I guess the ability to live and function in a way that is more desirable than being dead. I would ask myself, "What's the point of living if you'd rather be dead." and I think the answer is that I'm waiting for something greater, hoping there is something better than what I know, and that my understanding may be wrong (it constantly shifts).

There is no guarantee that I am actually advancing forward when I will reach a conclusion time and again then not be able to be secure about it, because I forget just how I had arrived at the conclusion I did logically, and I doubt that I didn't make a mistake somewhere alone the way. I know if I finally did find my answer, whatever it is, I'd probably just start all over again, because I despise boredom. Whenever I beat a video game and accomplish a challenge, I do it again to achieve the same goal more efficiently. Part of me even realizes I have already found the answer many times and I keep forgetting it because of this implied need to keep moving, but as I said on my status on facebook:
The only way out is through. I must try to believe every step I take is positive, working towards something greater, even though it feels like I have no choice but to return to square one over & over, it's just a lie, I'm moving fowards, & I'm becoming stronger. I'm closer to the truth that was always right in front of me;all the answers lie within & the best way to not forget is to never let it leave your mind.


...and as that the lyrics of "Chasing You" by Nural said:
"Everlasting yet reaching the end, could you define this?
'Cause I know that I won't be relieved with closure, closure
Closure that never came, never will, I can't deny this
Though denial is all that could bring you closer"


I never stop and go back to reread the things I have already written, too. Maybe I'm afraid of being lost in the memory... the boundaries between memory, dream, and reality don't seem so stable, afterall.
I'm going to have to learn to convince myself that the reason I live is not just because I don't have the energy to kill myself, because it's not.

Tomorrow I will make one document of things people have said that inspired me and made me feel like my life actually has meaning and value, and that I, as an individual might have worth. I'll meditate on their words when I'm depressed and use it as a mantra to counter the inevitable negative.

Bah, I should sleep.

Here we go again...

It seems like the only reason I write or blog lately is to vent negativity... Well, whatever. I do what I have to, I guess....

I hate this feeling. I care a lot about people, but I'm just an extra... I pour my heart into being there for them, and they tell me that they care, but then when other people talk to them, maybe more interesting people, when they don't need me, they forget about me completely.

why
why do I smile
when I feel like dying?
that song by Keane captured the question so perfectly
I don't understand... I still don't
why I could be thinking about suicide, then smile and laugh, and even convince myself for a little while that I'm happy
but then when I'm alone
there's no distraction
there's no means of denying it
there's just me and the truth

I doubt anything anyone could say could make me feel less lonely

High-risk

I'm going to be undergoing a project that may be high-risk... I got involved with my new boyfriend without really knowing him that well, but with the intention of wanting to get to know him better, and I'm starting to realize that may have been a stupid move. As he communicates me, I can sense a dangerous energy, and anger churning beneath the surface, and it seems on the edge of being unleashed... He is angry when I don't talk to him all through the night after I tell him I'm sick, and I'm tired. He claims to care about me more than he does himself, but he contradicts himself:
12:46amI trust you not to do anything too reckless

12:46amwhat do you mean too reckless?

12:46ambecause
I know you care about me, and you wouldn't want to hurt me,
and if you did something to seriously hurt yourself, you
know you would hurt me
like something that would really, relaly hurt you
*really

12:47ambut "I" dont matter to me. You Matter to

me12:47amdoes what matters to me matter to you?

12:50amrepeat
that....through text though. im about to sign off and play
cod...... DONT TAKE ANY COUGH MEDICINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
did you get that?12:50amyes12:51amok i had to sign out then
sign back on
you matter more to me than i matter to me... does that make
sense?

12:51ambut
if what matters to me matters to you, and you matter to me,
you should matter to you
I am kind of out of it, admittedly. I couldn't sleep last
night...

12:53amgrrrr.... just text me then.....
~~~
I text him, "I was just thinking.. Your anger seems to be causing a lot of your troubles.. Would you like to learn to control it better?"

He says, "Look, I was just kidding about the grr thing."

I say, "I don't mean about that.. I mean about why you're going to court..."

"You sound like my therapist."

"... Do you think your anger is even really an issue?"

"Stop."

"Sorry :( i didn't mean to hurt you"

"You didnt. Just chill out. You're getting too personal. I just smoked a bowl and discussing all that would definitely kill it."

Maybe a sane person would get out now.
~~~
...
I also know he has a tendency to lie. He was dishonest to me about the fact he was going to court, he was dishonest to me about why he was sick(later telling me the truth, prolly for me to put more trust in him), and there are probably a lot more things he is dishonest with me about. He is very controlling, and he is scared that I may leave him, and that is what I fear may be the greatest risk. He may eventually resort to whatever means he can manage to posess me. He tells me what he thinks I want to hear, revealing some personal truths along the way, growing more attached to me with every truth he divulges, and subsequently feeling a greater need to control me to make sure I, his source of comfort, do not leave him. He is afraid if I know how he really is, I won't want to be involved with him... Somehow I need to communicate to him that it isn't true, but that he needs to respect my boundaries. This will be a challenge and instigate a necessary personal growth in myself that I've been needing for awhile... to become more assertive. If I don't start to stand up for myself, things will end badly and I know it. Luckily I am at least aided with my wit an intuition... and I do believe I can heal him, but I can definitely feel how great of a challenge this will be...

First thing's first, I need to discover if he actually has the desire to change. His anger was what got him into trouble, and if he feels remorse about it, he should want to change. If he feels no remorse, he will say he is content with how he is and that it isn't an issue, and if that is the case, I need to tread even more carefully, because there is a distinct possibility he has a personality disorder. If not borderline, anti-social. If he realizes how much I actually know, that may also cause him to feel a greater need to control me to regain the upperhand, so I have to play dumb to a certain extent to throw off his suspicions and anxieties... But because I care about him, I will take a risk and try to put an end to his self-defeating behaviors through helping him understand what his behavior implies. I know he's smarter than he seems. I know he realizes I'm smart. I know he doesn't realize how smart I am. I'm not so sure myself how smart he is, but I am very wary now.

As for me, is this compulsion to help people because I'm codependent and I have a need to be needed? Not exactly. I am not selfless. I also help people to distract myself from my own pain that I have limited control over, and even because it makes me happy to see others happy because I empathize with them. I'm not a saint, I'm not a hero, I'm nothing close. I'm a regular humanbeing just the same as any of you out there, but I realize the ways I have a power to make a difference, I know the ways I can do it, and I know which difference would best benefit the other based upon their preferences, and therefore maximize my own benefit, because rarely do I feel my own happiness when I'm in the middle of depression. I have to take an alternative approach if I want to be proactive. I'm also trying different things to directly address my problem, but until I find a permanent fix, I'll work with the resources I have to make my life a little more bearable.


I've heard love is accepting a person as they are without feeling compelled to change them, so maybe what I feel for him isn't love. How could I love somebody who claims to care about me, but whose actions reflect solely with their own self-interest? I need to figure out whether he is being deliberately deceptive, or if he truly doesn't realize what it means to care about somebody...

http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-a-sociopath.htm

............ This may be a problem.


............................................................................

http://www.suite101.com/content/warning-signs-of-a-sociopath-a204533


****

I'm trying my hardest.. maybe that won't be enough again, but I pray it will be for once. Even though every time in the past it wasn't, I'm still foolish enough to think things could turn out differently... to have hope. I don't want to let her down :(

To be honest...

The fact that my conceptual understanding is usually alligned with truth scares the HELL out of me. Because I have this awareness that nothing remains... so I fear growing attached... be it to people, to ideas, to this state of consciosness, to the moment.. though the moment is probably the closest we could come to a constant... the never ending, always changing moment... I dunno. It makes me feel so alone sometimes.. so alone. But we're truly, in essence, all the same.. I can't let myself forget that. When consciousness fades, we will once again become one.. only to reawaken to our collective ignorance that we may neither will, nor observe.... The truth doesn't necessary have reason.. and some things we can't understand... yet it saddens me we always believe the argument that makes the most sense, I mean.... sometimes the truth really doesn't make sense. Consciously I know there's nothing to fear... but my ego won't permit that. Damn ego. Why won't you conform to my understanding? Oh yeah, because it's not beneficial to your existence and truth is a menace to you.... Oh well.

s ce;that word would go hand-in-hand with ignorance,as in being one,you may very well be the other,because we are all uninformed one in the same as we have

s
lose to death. I have dabbled my toes into murky waters,and to many this would remain unknown,and thus,something I may need to show them...Because for so

s ost,the lesson learned for that sole cost would carry beyond the value of words. I'm so eager to throw my life away to be the lesson as opposed to the le

s of disgust;the very root of my own mistrust.

Still the love within me is like that of the martyr,the albatross,and while a solitary life may have been l

s t of humanities debt,so I wonder why I try besides to lessen that burden..

And still,I sit here alone,ponder what worth my achievements would merrit. Wo

s s I have been blessed with, that others had died to enable me to partake in. The sacrafices I have made.. I can't expect them to counterbalance the weigh

s ells,but it is wasted on have-nots and faults the void would whisper. What about the things I have...?

..like my amazing friends.. Like the opportunitie

s Sometimes I sit here alone at night when I'm not quite ready to sleep,and the silence becomes my apparent companion. Inside my heart,this wave of love sw

qt part of me does... Meh, I am not easily led.

q he is under my scrutiny now.. and nothing will escape my eyes now that I am so close to bridging the past and present into one landmark. It's almost ins

q orgive it. But if he's smarter than me, I become the pawn he toys with, playing around with it to more clearly investigate its attributes, to assimilate

q he's so smart, shouldn't he know better than to be doing what he is doing? If I'm smarter than him(if he's telling the truth, I doubt it), then I coulf f

q ns may be, and most probably are.. if not certainly are. If it's true, then I'm not the only one bound to be hurt.. And even if I'm not, she will be. If

q g Pandora's box? I don't trust him.. at all, no matter how much part of me wants things to fall into place so simply. I can sense what his truer intentio

q Ugh, I feel ridiculously off about this. I am getting very bad vibes from him. Very bad... Why do I submit myself to it, still? Is this, too, like openin

A wreck

I've kind of been a state of turmoil lately. Well no, not kind of, I have been. I feel so overwhelmed lately, and the I just freeze.. I can't even move. All momentum just halts. I can't really open up to anybody about this fully, and when I'm frozen, I come to fully appreciate the damage I've been doing myself with my typical negligence.. I can't even let out so much as a whimper. So how could I possibly fix this when my mind, too, is stagnant? It's like I'm being struck over and over again.. and I have no clue.. what to do. I can't even confide in my best friend about it. I feel like absolute crap, and my depression has been returning for weeks.. Suicidal thoughts again, but what can I do? The best choice is to pray and try to ignore it.. I think. Ugh. But what has happened when I didn't ask for help before? I'm not as strong as I like to convey myself as being... but what could anybody else possibly do to help? Won't I feel worse for saying anything, because I'd just be contributing negative to the environment? Am I even wanted or appreciated? Does it even matter what happens to me, or am I just another body?

...would it even matter if I died?
Would it matter if my struggle finally ended?
Is there even any point to it?

Have faith there's an answer you're just choosing not to see at the timebeing.

Truth is, I have one need; without it, I would cease to exist.. and that is to need. It's not really all that natural to me :(

When you start to fear dying, you've started to fear living.

n tting go of the future, you have nothing you will never see. We know the past never did last, so why should we expect differently?

n ything any more than another, have faith in the things that have never changed, because even if it's true we only truly knew nothing; if it is inevitable

n the pain you may in one instance learn, the present is forever evolving. "Memories tell us that it has not ALWAYS been."
If you are to have faith in an

n at all we could know is knowing, and choose not to cause unnecessary pain to yourself by pursuing the impossible.. Rest easy in the understanding that in

n ully die, if you want to find peace in this lifetime, you must embrace the process. For it is all we could ever know in a state of being. Daesin. Know th

n If you live to die, what is the point of continuing to push through the enduring moment's pain? If you want to successfully live, if you want to successf

Well..

Now I remember why I had become your friend.. I saw you walking down a path that would hurt both yourself and the people around you much more than you wanted. I didn't know you very well then, but I understood why you were where you were. What I didn't count on was you pulling me in with you, but I suppose it's necessary.. just please, don't take me too far under. I can only hold my breath for so long...

I love my friends... Sorry D;

I've been thinking about it a lot lately.. How I've undergone a constant cycle of self-denail.. Becoming just attached enough to this illusion so that I don't just.. die. Am I truly so scared to lose attachments after I establish them? Is that it?

I keep trying to limit myself in ways I'm not truly limited.. I do that to more firmly establish my sense of identity, but is it because it's too overwhelming for me if I wasn't just "myself"? How could I make decisions that way, I guess.. and that could cause anxiety.

It's actually not as hard as I would like to believe it is to completely revert back into another form, but I think that's the problem.. I'm way too adaptable.. to the point that I can't tell which way feels best to me personally.

Tonight I will do some soul searching,regardless of the potential risks.

waratte ita boku no yowa wo abaita

I know I will always care about you, even if everybody else drops of the end of the planet.
Remember how I asked you what you thought would happen if you spoke softly?
When you responded that the ones who truly cared would listen, and I proceded to ask why you continue to speak loudly, if you understood that?

I know it's the understanding that few would hear you, and fewer would care what you have to say.
I know it's because you're scared that people care a lot less about you than you need.
I know it's because you're afraid people don't need you, maybe that they won't be there for you.
I know what it means to fear being worthless..

"Please, it doesn't grieve.
Even if the world doesn't permit you, I permit you.

Please, it doesn't grieve.
Even if you do not permit the world, I permit you.

Therefore, please teach.
When you do very, could you permit me?"

No matter what, even if you hate me, even if there was nobody, please at least have faith in me that I will always be here to listen, and even though I have trouble trusting people, even though it scares the crap out of me to allow myself to need somebody, I'm allowing myself to trust you, and that means I'll never not care again..

The main reason I care about you so much is because you're like me in ways I haven't even found a way to explain yet. I identify with you.

It's hard to describe the pain I feel when I know what it's like to have nobody respond when you do finally take the risk of speaking softly. For many years, I received no response. I found again and again the people who mattered most to me didn't care about me at all.. and so I grew wary of people. I told myself I didn't need people, and decided to try my best to become independent, and self-reliant,because people were inconsistent, and they couldn't be trusted to not destroy me if I put my faith in them. All love meant to me was pain, because I had no understanding that there was a better definition to be learned, so I mistrusted that, as well.

I didn't think I was hurt, either.. being hurt was to need, and if I admitted I had needs, then I would have to admit.. that the pain was mine, and that was unbearable.

..and you know, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm SO wrong, and maybe we don't have much in common, and maybe.. I'm just defective. Maybe I'm in denail. Maybe I am alone in this, and maybe you truly don't need me in any respect, making me nothing more than a burden to you. Maybe all I ever was is a burden, but this burden still cares about you more than it could ever describe and if you ever needed me, I would still be here. If you didn't need me, I'll still be here.. and if you don't want to talk to me, I'm still here. Even if I didn't need you, I would care about you, and it would kill me slowly to put you through the exact same things I went through, so because I am learning to not fear being weak, I choose to need you.

Even if nobody else cared about you, I would care about you.
Even if you had nobody else, you would have me.
Even if you have none, I will have needs.
And even if it kills me, I will still love you.

My biggest fear right now is that I'm not enough.
(a secret part of me is dying)

Love is chemical.

It really makes me wonder..what we must be thinking. How similar are we? Some men many would consider wise had said there is nothing to fear but fear itself, but will our fear of needs lead to mutual denail? Tell me, if you also want to output some positive into this grand equation, that you fear taking from me as much as I fear taking from you, but then realize that we both serve a purpose. For two people trying to convince themselves that they don't need anyone or anything, we sure do make successful friends..
But what binds us?

Perhaps the truth is we need each other more than we realize, but the secret is that if we believe the words from our mouths, our relationship will unravel..

There are four words you could say to me, yet I could not say back:
"I don't need you."
..even if it may be true. If you knew that.. wouldn't you break? Isn't that your fear? But I can't let that happen, dear, because I care about you, and I need to not be in pain,the deterrent, which means I need to not hurt the ones I identify with. I may sound cold and systematic, and that's because I am. I'm nowhere near selfless because I am human, but I at least know better than pretending to be. What kind of denail do we keep throwing ourselves into?

~Heart of Fire -Innerpartysystem~
"Do you remember me from a better time?
Infatuation with each other can summarize
All this is tied to the love,
the love you had assumed would never die

I can't remember what I had said
something reminiscent of a relationship
it was easier to lack the truth
than tell you how I feel

But I will surround your heart with lies until the end

I remember you from a better time
conversations saturated with telling lies
all this comes back to the love,
the love the spoke with honest and pure eyes

Now I remember what I had done
something meaningful to get you to fall in love
it was easier to tell you everything you wanted to hear
but I will surround your heart with lies and it's a heavy burden on me,baby
a heavy burden I have never felt before.

Sit back,relax,recover.
A fine time for me to mention you
Get down,regret,and wonder
who ever really tells the truth?"

"What hurt you?" is my secret way of asking what I could prevent causing you pain..

Uh, yeah..

There's a very distinct reason I don't go back and read this crap. That is all.

\ at aware I am making mistakes in the first place. There'a a much wise underastanding being bridged across.. It's a good thing I was born this way..

\ I'm wanting to speak through writing,but it's hard to cumunmicate. Especally because of types. But continually checking spelling errors means I an somewh

... The pain is great. Far greater than I let on.
.....
almost died last night. I'm only alive 'cause I chose to live,to take the pain and its glory with my sickening hero complex. Martyr complex, more like >_< 'cept my sacrifice is living, I know..

I'm still fading in and out,but shhhhhh... ;o
That'll be our little secret.

Things won't remain this way forever.. Sometimes you just have to live in loving the moment for what it is,painting a pretty little picture in your memories,so when things do change..the past won't be lost,and hope will exist.

It's been a long time since I've felt that hurt.. A long time since I've cried that much.. A long time since I'd first felt lonely.. And a long time since I'd become so weak. Things need to change.. now.

For no obvious reason I am going through some really odd perceptual distortions right now.. A little too aware of how scattered my focus is and,well.. Focused.

Why is the sky so big while I'm so small? Why must it always mock me so?

And the worst part is I think part of him knows his relationship with her is what's killing the poor onlooker. Oh,inside I cryyyy... That onlooker's heart is mine,and we are all but the same. I could so easily view him with the same contempt as he,and I could so easily share in his devastation as he deviates from communication.. Poor heart,out of my reach while suffering so I can lend it no rest,while accepting my grip extended would seem most fit.. But they would turn their heads and shield their ears to my solemn warning.. His aura hints more than deprivation,and as such,I am lost in contemplation,taken far from contentment.. Far,far away,because my soul was never just mine,and once this is known to the mind,it cannot be unlearned. Truth is the burden I chose to bear,and the consequences are those I choose to share.

God,spare us..

I love,I love,I love.. But it hurts,oh it hurts.. But it's necessary,so necessary. Yet it's mine,will be mine.. forevermore.

to this moment feels awkward,my eyes burn,my head hurts,and I gradually regained the ability to move..

Why is this happening to me?

And eventually my dad walked in and forced me awake somehow and I was disoriented but somehow managed to turn my head.. I was coughing,that organ still

my death,and I couldn't take it personally.. I was in too much pain,dying,I could barely hear her,and I'd blur in and out of reality.. It was the same..

ttons and..speak(I was breathing less,too,and could no longer move the rest of my limbs)... My mom hung up the phone and started yelling at me for faking

ll 911(I've never called 911,even in the worst situations I've ever been in,nor did I ever ask anyone to),and after struggling my hardest to punch the bu

less of an ability to do with each passing moment,I was so tired.. In the dream,the ringing also began and my heart raced,and I cried out for help,to ca

uld shock.. Mehhh..the pain was real...and I couldn't breathe there,too.. The only way to breathe there was to raise me head and shock myself which I had

ck felt like it was stabbed.. There was an electrical shock-like feeling on my lower lefthand size,and every time I tried to rise up off the ground,it wo

ing and my heart started stuterring.. Kinda started seizing up,cause my muscles we tensing on their own and lying face-down,I couldn't breathe as my face

pressed into my pillow. My head and organs,particularly my right size hurt,and everything became a dream. In the dream I was walking and suddenly my ba

Just almost died.. I didn't try to,but I was falling into sleep after suddenly becoming so tired I needed to lay down,and I started hearing the same ring

I *will* become a better friend,otherwise I will not let myself be close enough to people to hurt them anymore. It comes down to this. I will not allow myself to unconsciously manipulate. I will deal with my own baggage and not put strain on others for it. I won't use trust as a cop-out. I will empower myself.

."

gs creaved by my blade.
And all that we slay shall be cast out from this world for all eternity."
King:"Well done. A splendid accomplishment indeed,Albel

bel:"Damn... What was that voice?"
Sword:"You may take me in hand,warrior of strong heart.
I shall bend to your will.
Together we shall destroy all bein

elf for the death of my father,
brought by my own incompotence!"
???:"This,then,is your answer?"
Albel:"Yes! I hate nothing more than myself!"
*flash*
Al

re that prevents me from cooperating with others!

I hate myself for the jealous nature that makes me envious of those superior to me.

And...
I hate mys

at makes me look down on those weaker than I!

I hate myself for my suspicion-filled heart that distrusts the King!

I hate myself for my rebellious natu

rience that makes me a failure in battle.

I hate myself for the selfishness that will not allow me to accept others!

I hate myself for the arrogance th

...
Do you have hatred for that moster who drove your father to his death?
Albel:"Enough! Enough, I said!!!
I hate myself!

I hate myself for the inexpe

e hatred for that arrogant dragon knight who always looks down on you?

Do you have hatred for one who is better than you and is loved by the masses?

Or

ardly commoner who is not willing to fight to the death?

Do you have hatred for the king who stands above you,handing down selfish commands?

Do you hav

monsters that seek to harm you?

Do you have hatred for worthless subordinates who do not live up to your expectations?

Do you have hatred for the cow

at utter nonsense! I've no time for stupid questions. What is it you wish to say!?"
???: There is no conflict without hate.

Do you have hatred for those

is it you hate?"
Albel:"Hate?
What do you mean?!"
???:Hate is the root of power. Those who go against one's will must be compelled by force."
Albel:"Wh

Albel:"O Sword of the Crimson Scourge. I command you recognize me as your master. And I command you to grant me your power!"
???:"Seeker of power...
What

Wow,seriously,I can't believe I did that. I don't think I've opened up to anyone like this before besides *him*,but she's definitely different than he was. She's genuine,sincere.. Fearless,too. I admire that,and.. Just wow.

I love this type of friendship more than anything; the type where each person can grow from the other and there's just this kindling appreciation and caring.. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the whole wide world <3 because you know what? That's love. There's nothing greater.. Nothing. I am indebted. I'll fight every single demon that comes my way, trumph ever obstacle that causes me pain, prove her trust was just,be brave, and walk to the ends of the world,protecting the smile that illuminates her face and.. She's taking a risk in being my friend just the same as I'm taking a chance in trusting her.. She can depend on me. I'll never betray her,ever. I'll defend the space she's claimed in my heart with all the spirit I've got. Refortified by her kindness, I have the strength to carry on.

I've been better,but..

..then again,I haven't truly. I wish that her friendship was actually helping me.. That people outside of myself actually could make a difference,but.. it never really seems to end.

I'm not depressed necessarily,but I'm gonna venture to say I'm heading there. I don't want to make a habit of writing here only when I'm depressed,but at the same time.. I prolly need to.

I'm so scared.. that she doesn't really like me as a friend or a person, that she's getting tired of me.. that I'm wearing her down through my tendency to confess things.. that I should be able to just take upon myself,but unfortunately.. I can't. I seriously can't. I've tried,but it's a choice between somehow setting those things free or shutting myself away for eternity.. But I love her as a person,and I don't want to hurt her by saying those things.. the truth.. because they're things she shouldn't have to worry about. It should be my burden to bear.. I should be the silent martyr.. I wish I was stronger :(
Heh, the song "Hey Jude".. something told me to listen to that song,though I didn't really remember the lyrics.

Bawww... horrible.. this song is horrible because it makes me feel so much right now D;

It's so taxing to put my faith in people when it feels like there's so much to potentially lose.. I.. am risking so much.. she doesn't even realize how much my general faith in people has been shaped by her optimism and obvious innocence.. something that would only become apparent through being her friend. That connection is helping me come back to life.. yeah,for a long time I was dead. I couldn't afford to live.. not truly.. I was limited by my own fears,but.. I feel people like her are worth living for. People like her show me that love still exists in a world so cold. Without realizing it,she taught me that somehow,God is still watching over me,and that I'm not in this alone.

Graduating at the end of this year is going to hurt me so badly _<;
I'm overly pessimistic and anxious.
I'm super critical of myself.
I worry way the hell too much.
I relate too many things to myself.
I don't focus on other peoples' needs enough.
I spend too much time focusing on my own thoughts.
I don't listen with a clear mind enough.
I can't let things go as much as I should..
I'm too neurotic.
I'm probably too paranoid.
I'm too perfectionistic.
I'm too melodramatic.
I'm too prideful.
I'm too conceded.
I'm too sensitive.
I'm too over-analytical.
I'm too hypocritical in ways I probably don't even know enough of.
I'm too cowardly.
I'm too self-sabotaging.
I'm too self-righteous.
I'm too impressing with my values.
I'm too fixated on things that don't matter to people.
I'm too oblivious.
I'm too scared to make mistakes.
I'm too blinded by my hopes and aspirations.
I'm too absorbed in anything outside of the moment.
I'm too prideful to ask for help.
I'm too prideful to admit I really don't ask for help because I'm scared to death.
I'm too passive, in ways.
I'm too vulnerable.
I'm too redundant.
I'm too expecting.
I'm too assumptuous.
I blame too much.
I'm too much in denail.
I exaggerate way too much.
I'm too horrible..
I'm too stupid.. I can't even allow myself to be human when I try to promote it in other people.
I'm too oblivious.
I'm too inconsiderate.
I'm too pompous,if I think I can even judge anybody for being what they're born.
I'm too selfish,as I sit her absorbed in my faults when I could be helping the world or at least be making positive change somehow.
I'm too self-contradictory.
I'm too weak.
I'm too frustrating to myself.
I'm too much of a burden to others.
I'm too insecure.
I'm too aggrevating to myself.

Even god can't forgive myself for me. I'm condemning myself.. I want to forgive myself,but it doesn't change the feeling. How can I blame myself for this? I didn't choose this.. to feel this way.. please stop thinking T.T Please stop. Please.

Quotes

"This story was mine as much as I could feel the words in my hearts,saw the memory searing in my mind.."

"when someone blames another,they essentially say 'I have this feeling,but it's not really mine. You gave it to me,now take it back!'"

"Of course there's nowhere to go,and my heart feels a bit too heavy,while my thoughts think a little too dettachedly. I keep getting lost in them still,but I can't hear them."

"I've managed to keep my composure so far.. Gotta keep the facade up long enough so they don't ever have to see how hurt and broken up I am inside."

"Too many words have such little meaning.."

"All this time I was writing,but it probably could have only meant something to me."

"It's not people involved. Alot of terminology,but it doesn't evoke the feeling."

"One group dehumanizes the other group so they can be treated differently.. It was no big deal to kill them.. they were less than human. By changing language,they changed what has happened,and when they did that,they changed reality.. changing language changed the way they thought.."

"They make things vague so it all is what you decide it is."

"Hypothesize about this or that or not; maybe the thought crossed a mind for a moment,but it wouldn't linger longer than any other thing.."

"So close I've come so many times, I felt the hot tears stinging,burning my eyes red like I want people to see truth there at this point."

"Hate and love are too similar, but one is shown in self-defense.. defense of self against attack by self.

"Life is the object open to interpretation."

"People hurt other people,and that fear of pain feigns apathy."

"It's never good enough, it will never be good enough, because it will never be perfect.. not in our own eyes..."

"I know my love because my love loves me."

"Faith doesn't need a religion, though I guess religion helps people find it when they couldn't identify it within themselves.."

"I belong to nobody,or to all, to all I give myself in my clean thoughts and feelings." -not my quote.

"You think you do things you don't choose to do guys? Then-
-You talk you miss,guys.
Tell me,when was the last time you did something you chose not to do?"

"Some will tell you it doesn't matter. That is a lie. Everything,every single thing matters. And nothing good happens fast."- not mine

"they ask me to remember
but they want me to remember
their memories
and i keep on remembering
mine."-not mine



"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world."-not mine

"God is never absolutely whole in his own right and for him to exist,we must,too."

Sometimes..

Sometimes I feel my body,like I'm alive, like I can control it... Like I'm real. Sometimes I don't. During those times that I don't,I wonder if I was ever real,or if any of this was ever real,and not just a figment of my imagination.. a daydream kidnapping me from another dimension and perpetually trapping me in a state of oblivion..

Sometimes I feel the only way to wake up is to end the dream.

Sometimes I feel like a puppet.. dangling from the stings of a twisted,sadistic marionette's tool.. and I feel like I am intentionally tricked into believing there's an inkling of a chance I could grasp the scissors that are always there,right out of reach.

But I know..
I know I'm getting tired of this sick little game. I know I cannot physically or spiritually tolerate it much longer. I know if I live in the afterlife and am allowed to reflect back on all of this,it couldn't possibly lead me to an insanity beyond what I already am experiencing,because there's nothing new I would learn.. no possibility that I could consider that could make me fear change... in this moment,even hell seems like a pleasant escape. No, even now I wouldn't make a deal with the devil, but I've been gradually losing control.. But I'll continue fighting to my death.

I know he cares..

..he shows it through his actions... though I may not have recognized it if I hadn't known him for as long as I have. Knowing it doesn't make me less depressed,though I can think thoughts someone outside of my body may consider happy.. they mean nothing to me;they are just words,lies.. After I beat that game,I knew I should die.. I should die...
Maybe my mind makes no sense,and frankly I'd rather feel so I knew exactly what I'm having to deal with...

WGHAOWGHWOEFOJGWOAJGWGVOFJOASODFJGWD:GJSgpWPGH"AWPgawhgawpfj[s
d

Things have been too much for me lately.. Writing for hours cannot even begin to relieve the anxiety from my pressured thoughts. Everything becomes valuable to know,everything means nothing..to me...

I'm so frustrated I don't feel like trying to communicate anymore.. I can't force myself to, I'm ready to just turn inwards and cut myself away completely. I can't live without meaning when it's so much easier to die to seek it.






~~~~~~~~~~~`



this post was actually from the 10th of March.. I just never pressed the publish button

tired and FINE

I'll say I'm tired,and I'm fucked up,irrational,neurotic,and excessive :D I woke up this morning feeling suicidal,by 2nd period I loved the world, by lunch I was ??? by after school I was coming down again, by 7pm I was suicidal. w00. I sincerely hope she's okay,because frankly,if she's dead, my world is going to completely fall apart.. I've been on the edge for awhile,anyways.. C'mon. Be that one thing. I dare you >_>

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