It seems like the only reason I write or blog lately is to vent negativity... Well, whatever. I do what I have to, I guess....
I hate this feeling. I care a lot about people, but I'm just an extra... I pour my heart into being there for them, and they tell me that they care, but then when other people talk to them, maybe more interesting people, when they don't need me, they forget about me completely.
why
why do I smile
when I feel like dying?
that song by Keane captured the question so perfectly
I don't understand... I still don't
why I could be thinking about suicide, then smile and laugh, and even convince myself for a little while that I'm happy
but then when I'm alone
there's no distraction
there's no means of denying it
there's just me and the truth
I doubt anything anyone could say could make me feel less lonely
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
High-risk
I'm going to be undergoing a project that may be high-risk... I got involved with my new boyfriend without really knowing him that well, but with the intention of wanting to get to know him better, and I'm starting to realize that may have been a stupid move. As he communicates me, I can sense a dangerous energy, and anger churning beneath the surface, and it seems on the edge of being unleashed... He is angry when I don't talk to him all through the night after I tell him I'm sick, and I'm tired. He claims to care about me more than he does himself, but he contradicts himself:
12:46amI trust you not to do anything too reckless
12:46amwhat do you mean too reckless?
12:46ambecause
I know you care about me, and you wouldn't want to hurt me,
and if you did something to seriously hurt yourself, you
know you would hurt me
like something that would really, relaly hurt you
*really
12:47ambut "I" dont matter to me. You Matter to
me12:47amdoes what matters to me matter to you?
12:50amrepeat
that....through text though. im about to sign off and play
cod...... DONT TAKE ANY COUGH MEDICINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
did you get that?12:50amyes12:51amok i had to sign out then
sign back on
you matter more to me than i matter to me... does that make
sense?
12:51ambut
if what matters to me matters to you, and you matter to me,
you should matter to you
I am kind of out of it, admittedly. I couldn't sleep last
night...
12:53amgrrrr.... just text me then.....
~~~
I text him, "I was just thinking.. Your anger seems to be causing a lot of your troubles.. Would you like to learn to control it better?"
He says, "Look, I was just kidding about the grr thing."
I say, "I don't mean about that.. I mean about why you're going to court..."
"You sound like my therapist."
"... Do you think your anger is even really an issue?"
"Stop."
"Sorry :( i didn't mean to hurt you"
"You didnt. Just chill out. You're getting too personal. I just smoked a bowl and discussing all that would definitely kill it."
Maybe a sane person would get out now.
~~~
...
I also know he has a tendency to lie. He was dishonest to me about the fact he was going to court, he was dishonest to me about why he was sick(later telling me the truth, prolly for me to put more trust in him), and there are probably a lot more things he is dishonest with me about. He is very controlling, and he is scared that I may leave him, and that is what I fear may be the greatest risk. He may eventually resort to whatever means he can manage to posess me. He tells me what he thinks I want to hear, revealing some personal truths along the way, growing more attached to me with every truth he divulges, and subsequently feeling a greater need to control me to make sure I, his source of comfort, do not leave him. He is afraid if I know how he really is, I won't want to be involved with him... Somehow I need to communicate to him that it isn't true, but that he needs to respect my boundaries. This will be a challenge and instigate a necessary personal growth in myself that I've been needing for awhile... to become more assertive. If I don't start to stand up for myself, things will end badly and I know it. Luckily I am at least aided with my wit an intuition... and I do believe I can heal him, but I can definitely feel how great of a challenge this will be...
First thing's first, I need to discover if he actually has the desire to change. His anger was what got him into trouble, and if he feels remorse about it, he should want to change. If he feels no remorse, he will say he is content with how he is and that it isn't an issue, and if that is the case, I need to tread even more carefully, because there is a distinct possibility he has a personality disorder. If not borderline, anti-social. If he realizes how much I actually know, that may also cause him to feel a greater need to control me to regain the upperhand, so I have to play dumb to a certain extent to throw off his suspicions and anxieties... But because I care about him, I will take a risk and try to put an end to his self-defeating behaviors through helping him understand what his behavior implies. I know he's smarter than he seems. I know he realizes I'm smart. I know he doesn't realize how smart I am. I'm not so sure myself how smart he is, but I am very wary now.
As for me, is this compulsion to help people because I'm codependent and I have a need to be needed? Not exactly. I am not selfless. I also help people to distract myself from my own pain that I have limited control over, and even because it makes me happy to see others happy because I empathize with them. I'm not a saint, I'm not a hero, I'm nothing close. I'm a regular humanbeing just the same as any of you out there, but I realize the ways I have a power to make a difference, I know the ways I can do it, and I know which difference would best benefit the other based upon their preferences, and therefore maximize my own benefit, because rarely do I feel my own happiness when I'm in the middle of depression. I have to take an alternative approach if I want to be proactive. I'm also trying different things to directly address my problem, but until I find a permanent fix, I'll work with the resources I have to make my life a little more bearable.
I've heard love is accepting a person as they are without feeling compelled to change them, so maybe what I feel for him isn't love. How could I love somebody who claims to care about me, but whose actions reflect solely with their own self-interest? I need to figure out whether he is being deliberately deceptive, or if he truly doesn't realize what it means to care about somebody...
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-a-sociopath.htm
............ This may be a problem.
............................................................................
http://www.suite101.com/content/warning-signs-of-a-sociopath-a204533
****
12:46amI trust you not to do anything too reckless
12:46amwhat do you mean too reckless?
12:46ambecause
I know you care about me, and you wouldn't want to hurt me,
and if you did something to seriously hurt yourself, you
know you would hurt me
like something that would really, relaly hurt you
*really
12:47ambut "I" dont matter to me. You Matter to
me12:47amdoes what matters to me matter to you?
12:50amrepeat
that....through text though. im about to sign off and play
cod...... DONT TAKE ANY COUGH MEDICINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
did you get that?12:50amyes12:51amok i had to sign out then
sign back on
you matter more to me than i matter to me... does that make
sense?
12:51ambut
if what matters to me matters to you, and you matter to me,
you should matter to you
I am kind of out of it, admittedly. I couldn't sleep last
night...
12:53amgrrrr.... just text me then.....
~~~
I text him, "I was just thinking.. Your anger seems to be causing a lot of your troubles.. Would you like to learn to control it better?"
He says, "Look, I was just kidding about the grr thing."
I say, "I don't mean about that.. I mean about why you're going to court..."
"You sound like my therapist."
"... Do you think your anger is even really an issue?"
"Stop."
"Sorry :( i didn't mean to hurt you"
"You didnt. Just chill out. You're getting too personal. I just smoked a bowl and discussing all that would definitely kill it."
Maybe a sane person would get out now.
~~~
...
I also know he has a tendency to lie. He was dishonest to me about the fact he was going to court, he was dishonest to me about why he was sick(later telling me the truth, prolly for me to put more trust in him), and there are probably a lot more things he is dishonest with me about. He is very controlling, and he is scared that I may leave him, and that is what I fear may be the greatest risk. He may eventually resort to whatever means he can manage to posess me. He tells me what he thinks I want to hear, revealing some personal truths along the way, growing more attached to me with every truth he divulges, and subsequently feeling a greater need to control me to make sure I, his source of comfort, do not leave him. He is afraid if I know how he really is, I won't want to be involved with him... Somehow I need to communicate to him that it isn't true, but that he needs to respect my boundaries. This will be a challenge and instigate a necessary personal growth in myself that I've been needing for awhile... to become more assertive. If I don't start to stand up for myself, things will end badly and I know it. Luckily I am at least aided with my wit an intuition... and I do believe I can heal him, but I can definitely feel how great of a challenge this will be...
First thing's first, I need to discover if he actually has the desire to change. His anger was what got him into trouble, and if he feels remorse about it, he should want to change. If he feels no remorse, he will say he is content with how he is and that it isn't an issue, and if that is the case, I need to tread even more carefully, because there is a distinct possibility he has a personality disorder. If not borderline, anti-social. If he realizes how much I actually know, that may also cause him to feel a greater need to control me to regain the upperhand, so I have to play dumb to a certain extent to throw off his suspicions and anxieties... But because I care about him, I will take a risk and try to put an end to his self-defeating behaviors through helping him understand what his behavior implies. I know he's smarter than he seems. I know he realizes I'm smart. I know he doesn't realize how smart I am. I'm not so sure myself how smart he is, but I am very wary now.
As for me, is this compulsion to help people because I'm codependent and I have a need to be needed? Not exactly. I am not selfless. I also help people to distract myself from my own pain that I have limited control over, and even because it makes me happy to see others happy because I empathize with them. I'm not a saint, I'm not a hero, I'm nothing close. I'm a regular humanbeing just the same as any of you out there, but I realize the ways I have a power to make a difference, I know the ways I can do it, and I know which difference would best benefit the other based upon their preferences, and therefore maximize my own benefit, because rarely do I feel my own happiness when I'm in the middle of depression. I have to take an alternative approach if I want to be proactive. I'm also trying different things to directly address my problem, but until I find a permanent fix, I'll work with the resources I have to make my life a little more bearable.
I've heard love is accepting a person as they are without feeling compelled to change them, so maybe what I feel for him isn't love. How could I love somebody who claims to care about me, but whose actions reflect solely with their own self-interest? I need to figure out whether he is being deliberately deceptive, or if he truly doesn't realize what it means to care about somebody...
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-a-sociopath.htm
............ This may be a problem.
............................................................................
http://www.suite101.com/content/warning-signs-of-a-sociopath-a204533
****
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