I almost died last night...

Holy crap, it was scary. I was a little bit too happy.. *cough cough manic cough* ..so I decided it would be good to calm myself down with alcohol. UHHH.......
bad idea. Bad BAD idea. But.. I don't feel like talking about it too much right now. Maybe later. When I don't feel like crap =_=

Whoops.

My mom found my stockpiled pills. Sucks. Don't care~

I'm happy. I'm with Cody again.. not sure if I mentioned that or not. But we resumed our relationship right where it left off ;) I don't really.. feel like typing too much. >.> meh.
Oh well. I feel like crashing. Oh, good news is that I don't need meds anymore ('cept birth control..), and I still am prolly bipolar, but the mood swings have heftily declined. Eh, you won't hear me complaining. I'm even off the adhd medicine, though it has taken a toll on my work ethic. Yay for sobriety! BOO for finals. At least it's over, and vacation is right around the corner. Colton and I.. heh heh. Did that laugh sound shady to you? Good. But crap, I have an appointment tomorrow with my Pdoc. Yeah, let's all discuss how bad it is to stop taking your meds on a whim (for the third time), and how your birth mother has the same problem(genetic..?). Gaahh. What. Ever.

Last year at this time, I remember I had become extremely suicidal. Stupid ____. That jerk. He literaly almost killed me. He would rather have me die than talk to me. I am an insensitive person, but that was still pretty disgusting. Even if I was being overdramatic at the time, you DON'T screw with a suicidal person. So there was suicide attempt numbero uno. I guess I must have guilted him into talking with me after that. lmao. >.> That was my mistake. But uh.. it's behind me now. After him almost killing me god knows how many times, all because I was so addicted to his poisonous friendship, I have become a better person. And I'm sure he's the one suffering, left in his deep, dark, and dank hole of gayness. Literally. LMAO~! I have nothing against gay people, but I do have something against this gay person. And tomorrow shall be quite amusing........ I owe Matt. I hope he goes crying to his daddy again and shows what a coward he is with his tale up his ass. Ohhh, that was mean x3... then again, I don't care. HAHAHA

Ironically.../Who the fuck am I?/ Help D: I am lost

Today I was required to attend saturday school. And in this time, I was finally gifted the opportunity of being able to catch up on reading a certain book. "Glass", by Ellen Hopkins. I have previously read "Impulse", "Burned", and "Crank"; next on my list is "Identical", which is a new release. Glass is a sequel to Crank, which are both the name of Methamphatamine. Aka, SPEED. Sound familiar?

~~
Fuck. It calls me again, so longingly. Another of my previous addictions...............

Cutting.

I tried to ignore it.. but... just now it won; my arm is left bleeding. And the night is not over. I have the weapon in my hand right now... things are going to go from bad to worse. Not to mention the sick obsession of suicide. I.. want to die.

Still, I want it to bleed more. Hurt more. Worse than I hurt. To match how I feel. To surpass it. To distract from it. To lose me. Lose that part.

It

Won't

End...

.............................................

Ahh...

Past me is the performance.. that little piece of mental hell that had so obstructed my normal mental process and brought me, once again, to the gates of my inner turmoil; all while leaving me to wallow in the midst of my depression. A surprise visit, yes, but not all surprises do I appreciate. This was most certainly a guest I could afford to have leave my presence..... But this triggered a new abstract, and slightly unsettling, train of thought... Without the occasional appearance of my hidden depression..... as unwanted as it may be.... it sustains my sanity. Illogical as it may appear, the foundation of my current state of sanity is contrued through the reasoning that I am insane. I teeter to a fro from the paranoia that I am standing in the presense of something that is far worse than insanity. And that all of this is brought upon me by myself. My choice.. and some egotistical subconcious actions that aren't as subconcious as I may wish. The acute fear of sociopathy and pathological lying... with which would be brought havoc and the collapse of all of my believes, my morals, my beliefs, my ideology -and ultimately my life. Fear that instead of these words and assimilated empathy, in combination with my new found love, are not but integrated into my mask. And the mask I had at one point believed to have control over, and the ability to reveal my true colors to myself, at the least....... has now become and incorporated (not to mention permanent) part of my person... Or if these feelings of compassion had been feigned all along, and I had only approached such a state of denail that I could not accept that I had any negative qualities that I could not fix. Basically, all that I have come to consider pure and moral aspects of my personality may be feigned, leaving me with the bitter reasoning that my true persona had only consisted of my negative faults all along. They haunt me. To rid myself of these quirks that cause damage or pain to others beside myself, I have many times attempted to solve that hidden evil through death. I know I have long had a secret agenda, hidden even to me, that was perhaps a sort of self-defense mechanism intended to take control once I have taken upon myself a certain amount of pain. Always having been forced into the position of a masochist, pain is something I had been put in a position to overcome. To ignore. To numb myself to.. while even attempting to convince myself that it doesn't take a toll on me. It's clear that while I may have been able to fool all others, when I lie alone I can not deny the pain and suffering. Which, having accumulated over years and years, can surpass any pain I may experience physically. Pain that pushes me blindly into a flurry of uncontrolled actions and a flow of unrestricted emotions. Taking all this into consideration, it should come as no surprise that I feel such extremes, or have a subconcious or concious part of my soul trying to end the pain in whatever way it knows. At first I had been frightened that I had triggered the awakening of my long known (possible)genetic disposition... schitzophernia. As I have known from such a young age is the mental distortion that resides in my blood, passed directly from a 1st degree relative; my mother. The disease had been so crippling, she has been cast away into an institution for over 16 years. But no.. I am different. As we know, I am bipolar. While bipolar may be associated with schitzotypal or schitzoid personality disorders, or the psychotic features of schitzophernia when in the wake of manic psychosis, none of it is guaranteed. I have not inherited those personality traits, luckily. If anything, I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which would not surprise me in the least bit. Dissociating, and splitting... stormy interperson relationships, believe of some other inner driving force influencing your actions or controlling your body and actions... oh yes. I know this all to well. I don't understand why I would possibly curse myself and put myself through suffering... though it is very possible that this indicates I must risk divulging myself in my own knowledge while risking a dive beneath the surface or my mind and current concious state. This has proven dangerous, and even life threatening. So I must risk a sacrafice. Still, it appears to be the only way to minimize this part of me(that hopefully really isn't T.T;). Every moment I push on, I tread dangerous waters. With the consistency and lethality of quicksand. But if I manage to surpass these challenges... I have potential for something amazing (because it will be the thing I actually gift a full comittment to; and this is something I have never been motivated to do in my life. Everything comes naturally to a certain extent, and for those things that don't, I put forth not but a thousandth of my true capability. As many bipolar people have changed the world through their gifts of genius, I have always known I was fated for the like. I know I have limitless possibilities, and no restaints.) As it stands, I'm following the current of the water, and allowing myself to be pulled up by any updraft I chance across. Nobody knows me in full. Not even myself. I know I have barely tapped into my gift. I have only continued to realize that my limits are set by my imagination. And this explains why I can absorb the skills and talents of those who surround me, and very quickly surpass them. So the more I know, the more I am capable of. I can't say what the justifying logic is behind this ability, but I won't question it in the current time. Not to say that if I do dare to question it, then I will learn it was never anything of significance, and solely the result of an optomistic mentality.. but if I try to examine to closely, this situation, well.. the windows of opportunity may close without my notice while I'm left in thought. No time to question anything. I'll run with the wind indefinetly, to nowhere specific~!

Interesting..

Well, today brought mixed feelings. I was happy because of the compliments I revieved in class for my playing in class, and on the judges' comments on the tapes from Saturday's competition; but I was sad because I learned that somebody I barely know apparently "hates" me. I never would have thought they had felt that way until my friend had said something, and they had been on good terms with me from my perspective. I don't dislike them because my friend told me this, but it makes me a little paranoid. How many others feel that way about me without even knowing me? What is it about me that leads them to make that judgement based on appearance?
...
I don't know. If I make judgements, people have given me alot of reason to think one way about them, or the other. I don't understand how people can..

...I don't understand hate in general. If somebody took from me the most important thing in my life, killed the person I loved most, or degraded/hurt me in the worst way possible, I would still not hate them. I would be upset, but I couldn't retain the feeling for a long period of time. That's just how I am. It's what some would consider a weakness, I suppose. But oh well, I don't care much. It serves me fine.

No.. I will never race with you to the river.....

"Will you race with me to the river?"

I want you to know that I long resigned the race to the river.

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when it came to die, discover I had not lived at all."- Henry David Thoreau

..We are not made to shape our lives -it is life that molds us.Wisdom surrounds us, ripe for the taking,yet people willingly wallow in ignorance;claiming to be preoccupied with matters of greater purpose and constantly focused so intensely on their goal that beauty passes..Can such loss be excused?Who should judge that any matter should overshadow the next..?To cast in stone "truth" backed by opinion,perspective,and percieved importance,but downplay the ideas of another? Our ideas all are of equal potential. There is no right, nor wrong. No one can prove otherwise, and this fact is a cause of conflict and argument and if you disagree, I refuse to agrue.

Peace and Love, J.G.

Wow, I was trippin'

Last night was a wild ride oo; DXM, Speed, and equally jacked up on energy supplements and a crap load of sugar. I was scared. It felt like my lungs were decompressing under my weight, already weakened through the course of bronchitis. And I was defenitely hallucinating, and flying out of my mind. About 25 pages of nonsense later, I realized I had no idea what I was writing about, why I was writing, and I had very little idea who I even was at that point. I still am really confused about who I am. Alas, I had constructed a theory on this topic in my writing last night. I think that it may be wise to revist my chronincles; even if I was just tripping. My lungs still feel like crap. Not sure if I should go on that date tonight... talk about a come down. "Crank"- by Ellen Hopkins, was a depressing book ): It was very similar to parts of my story and reminded me how close I am to completely toppling over the edge in any given second. But it tops my previously boring,uneventful and depressing life, right? ..I sure hope this is worth it.

I'm sure this is true for many of us...

..that there comes a point in our life where we disobey our own moral insight. We break standards set by ourselfs or others, and we unravel;not quite sure how to respond to things as their unfolding, as we had never expecting what we had deemed unexpected to actually happen.. especially if it's initiated of our own free will! But after we cross a line, we know we can't return to how things were. We can't return that type of innocence, and sometimes we fall apart. Drugs, Sex, Violence, Abuse, Lying, Infidelity, Conspiring;and a transition of character. It seems we have lost ourself to the other,"forbidden",side. And there's nothing we can do to prevent from rolling further down hill while increasing momentum. And then we begin to dig a grave because we ignore the silver lining. We see darkness, and there's such an obvious lack of light that we recklessly make the assumption that it cannot get any darker or more distant.. But it does, as we're left free falling to the bottom of our self-made pit of faithlessness and remorse; encased within a monster of ignorance, whose lust to deteriorate hope you had fallen victim to. And the person you'd changed into -or rather some eternal fragments of your being in which you, under any means, had attempted to compartmentalize, deny, supress, or ignore; yet was always intregrated into your concious as part of your characteristic programming(or otherwise was a scar, given through upbringing)- was activated and set into motion. The whole of you perpetuates downward because you chose to fixate you're limited tunnel vision insight at the point you are convinced you'll hit, and stubbornness to look around. The world isn't ending, you're making it end! But you can't see it because you won't look out of the binoculars pointed directly at the ground long enouigh to notice all the extended hands and ropes of empathy that surround you. Nope, you are the person thrashing in shallow water screaming, "I'm DROWNING", while the person next to you is just standing there, staring at you like you're retarded. Except you don't even allow your feet to touch ground. It's right there.. you could stand and save yourself... safety lies simply a few feet below the surface, but do you? Nope. You're the one special person who actually DOES drown in shallow water, because they were too fucking stupid to stand up and just breathe while the other person had walked away, annoyed at the fact you were supposed screaming and senselessly distrupting what had previously been merely their escape to peace and stress release out of pure arrogance, with added greed. These may seem like stupid situations, or maybe you think that these type of things couldn't happen because they're just too.. improbable, illogical, unreasonable, or unlikely to chance upon. But many people make this mistake daily, or have in the past. And they think they're alone. They have thought they were solitary; standing alone in the wake their unrequited tradgedy, and with attending the funeral for what had once been their purity, all had been lost, while nothing was left to be gained or pursued as a ploy for acquiring redemption. Instead of using the concept: "If you fail, try harder to succeed", they forfeited. They gave up the large amount of power, influence, and control they had because they didn't think it could possibly be enough. Strange how they couldn't accept they were falling, admit their mistake, or confess AND accept their personal imperfection. No person is completely saintly in essence, or naturally is driven to instinctively abstain from sin or something of what the large of society might possibly consider negative. As we are raised, we are taught both "right" and "wrong",and these ideas are encoded into our continually concious ideology. But they sometimes contradict our concrete subconcious programming, instincts, or naturally impulsive physical reactions/genetic make-up. At times we may feel "wrong to be right", or vice versa, and it confuses us or scares us. Or it makes us feel isolated. But this is because the structure of what is considered a civilized society is unnatural and foreign to the raw human psyche, and clashes with our true inborn instincts. It is by law that we must force ourselves into awkward, sometimes uncomfortable or unhealthy, stances. It is the influence that our learned ethics take on us that justify it, and attempt to force us to accept it as what SHOULD be natural and who we truly are.

..this is all nice and good, but the fact of the matter is...

We Aren't That Way Naturally! We are naturally "evil". We feel emotions such as anger, hatred, spite, envy, jealousy, apathy, pride, sadness, loathing. We logically are predisposed to wish for revenge, justification, punishment. We may wish suffering and pain; others' misfortune or to act upon sadistic means to reflect what we have felt, either emotionally or physically. Even though you may want to deny the feeling that your jealous of your crush's girlfriend, and that you wish that you were in her place, you can't. You can't just try to convince yourself that "I'm happy for them. I truly am. He's happy with her so I'm happy. He's too good for me anyway. I'm too good for him. Etc..", because the feeling still remains, even if it's just buried or hidden where it can be temporarily out of sight and out of mind. That's when feelings are integrated into your subconcious and if not accepted, resolved, and dismissed, then they become an increasingly prominent influence on your actions and emotions. And it can be very confusing. Maybe you'll feel extremely depressed, angry, happy, or sad for no apparent reason. You try to deny feelings, but you can only fool your head, not your heart. And your heart can't deny emotions ..it influeces its function the most. So in to one degree, you can have emotions while understand why they could have been felt, or what might have caused them. To the next degree, denail, you can experience emotions and have no idea for what reason they originated; and you may act on an impulse that is based upon those emotions, with all of your senses of judgement compromised because of the overpowering emotional outburst is too much to deny. This could be conciously acting against what you know to be right or true, while disregarding - or even just not caring - whether or not your moral standards oppose it. At least until after you have taken,or attempted some form of action. Afterwards you may regret it, especially if it was an action based upon an emotion that you previously denied out of shame, guilt, love,empathy or fear. If it was an action impulsively committed because of emotions that you had denied to maintain conformity, because you personally prioritized conformity while leaving your own moral standards outweighted,and/or of minimized significance and as a result, pretend to agree with and overtly supporting opinions you secretly detest;the general loss of willingness to risk voicing and validating the existence of other personal opinions increases. But the power of the opposing force, the known opinion, and any unexpressed personal opinions becomes miniscule in the event of blackmail or threats made to all who publicly protest against the given dictator's forced idea of what absolute truth should be.); and subsequently, this would result in rationalizing the intentional dispelling, banishing, scape-goating the blame of the cause for, or the forced ebbing of any emotions opposing the majority's judgement to otherwise prevent yourself from being effected by some other occurance that went against your morals. To the last degree,there may be emotional numbing. This is occurs after you ignore emotions and physical pain/painful emotions for extended periods of time and build a delusional tolerance, but it damages your ability to experience positive emotions as well. It effects your health, while stealing any drive or purpose you had in living life. TO BE CON'T...

A letter to someone, now a ghost..

The messenger still serves the same purpose, despite the fact you are a ghost. It was always one sided convos anyway, at least for the most part. Wells... If you could see me now.. How I've changed.. I'm a completely different person once you took your leave. I changed. I'm alot more stable. I'm happier, and not suicidal. I'm straight-edge. I'm full of love. I do still love you as well. But as I love the world, it's not so significant. I know what I am. I know who I am and I'm finally living. "Oh, taking your advise and I'm looking on the brightside and balancing the whole thing" I wish you could see as I do.I wish you could feel as I do. I know you can't. Even if you did, you can't know. My, it's such a beautiful thing. All these things, this love, these colors that surround us all; that so often pass us by unoticed... But for the bland lows, now I can see the fine details of every shade, every hue, everything to appreciate<3> In anycase, it stands that I can support my own burdens. I can stand on my own. I don't need somebody to be so dependent on. I'm better off this way, with people in my life who don't have a negative effect on me. With people who truly care, and for whom my love is not in vain or otherwise wasted. What do you see me as? That person you *thought* you knew? No, this is who I truly am. You said that's who I was. You said I could be nothing more. But you were so wrong.. I'm flying now, and I can breathe. I won't regret knowing you. You taught me so much, but I won't regret moving on. I wish you a life of piece and prosperity and I hope one day you also reach your ultimate stretch of happiness, I hope that you are able to face that insecurity that you shared with me. That fear... I wish you could be yourself now. I pray for that to happen for you with all of my heart. I know you are a beautiful person, despite it all. I know you've just been trapped and pushed down too long. Have confidence. You shine brighter than you know. And you have potential.

*cough cough*

Damn. I hate being sick. Here I am, approaching the 6th day of being bed-ridden.. Well. If it were up to me, I would have been out of the house and continuing to persue my aspirations awhile ago. Unfortunately, my 105 degree fever and diagnosis of Bronchitis was enough motivation for the doctor to make it mandatory that I stay in bed. I am not very good at remaining inactive for long periods of time.. and the longer I'm kept at home, the less time I have to prepare for my upcoming competition, auditions, and the transition of Marching Band to Concert Band. I knew this was going to happen >.< The week before the Wind Ensemble auditions, for the past 3 years, I have recurrently come down with some form that disease. Not only does Bronchitis suck, but for me, this time of year is the worst possible time I could fall ill. In retrospective, it's probably a good thing I was forcibly kept at home because I have a tendency to push myself past my physical limit. With that fever, that could mean hospitalization or death. So.. I guess I'll try to recover. How annoying. Heh.. I'd almost rather be at school saying,"Oh yeah, I'm at school with a 105 degree fever 'cause I'm hardcore like that!", while all my friends run and duck for cover from the direct line of infectious fire. lol. Now THAT sounds like an amazing day ;D It was odd, though. Once my fever reached a certain temperature, I couldn't feel any heat, or lack thereof. Ice was placed on my neck, and all I felt was the wetness of the washrag that the ice was contained in. Normally I would have felt it. I wonder if that intensity of a fever effects everybody in that way. Speaking of the effects the fever had on me..

I had quite a few interesting trains of thought.

~Why do bipolar people think they're god or are invincible?

Here's one I hadn't revisited in a while. But last night I was reminded.
"Cogito, ergo sum"- I think, therefore I am.
How does this apply? Well, you can only know for certain that you're real. In other words, you only occupy your own concious. And this validates your own existence. But because you are yourself, then there prolly ought to be a reason. Being bipolar, I have been blessed with the gift of mania. This is something that isn't very common. And I know that I, as a person, am unique. After all the times my life could have ended through suicide attempts, reckless behavior, and the like, I am still alive. I am still in relatively good health. And while I know I can be hurt, I do not know that I can die. I do not know that my whole life consists of this very day, and all my memories are not synthetic and implanted. Or that my life isn't perpectually repeating every time I do die. Or if I am revived within that day to walk another path. I could have been anyone or anything, but I am me. I could have died at any of those numerous times, but I'm alive. That's why it's fairly rational from my perspective to allow the thought to cross my mind that perhaps I can't die. Maybe if I jumped off of a cliff, I would not die (or some higher force would not allow it). I must be meant for something great since I am me, and if I wasn't, then why am I ME? And maybe I am my own god, or my life had been prescripted. This type of thinking could just be the result of trying to rationalize the unrational. You can choose to believe there is no reason. You can choose to believe you are fated to be a lowly servant. Or you can believe you are significant and meant for greatness. I guess time will tell. Oh :x I forgot to take my medicine xD Oh my...

Oh my..

I have so much work to do. I have a book to read, a 2-5 page essay to write ON that book, another essay to complete, a lab analysis to finish, and a lab write-up to do on that same lab. Should be fun. Procrastinating always adds more challenge into work that would otherwise be so tedious and repetitive... But it is quite sad when the student is the one assisting the teacher (who previously had taught AP English nonetheless) in writing an essay comparing and contrasting The Crucible and The Scarlet Letter in addition to explaining the significance and reason that American writers like to use Salem and the Witchcraft Trials(specifically) as a backdrop to writing stories, and the reccuring theme and of it I discovered to be hypocritical. So sad.. and in front of the whole class at that! She expressed a sort of praise that seemed slightly amusing to me, considering the true feelings and thoughts she must have been masking while saying those words. Call me paranoid, but this is what I've come to know. By saying I was more than ready for college, she must have been trying to excuse her own inadequacy as a teacher, having been outwitted by a student(who had a "D" in her class...) Hum. I suppose I am a little pompous. At least I can be a times. I find it all a little ridiculous; these daily occurances. Well, I may be failing my Spanish III class right now, but my reasoning is that I already have the required credits necessary for graduation and my main purpose is to learn the language. Otherwise I would have transferred out of Grigsby's class, which is known to be the hardest class on campus. Despite the fact that my fluidity of the spoken language, and the complexity of my written expressions in Spanishm far excels the work of many of my fellow classmates' and is at the level of her AP class and very possibly matches the level of my english work to an extent, the petty assignments aren't worth the effort in my opinion, while my time could be spent working on something much more fulfilling :\ To explain more properly, I do try, but it involves actions such as looking up vocabulary and verb tenses, or the way certain words fit into context through online translators for the purpose of writing my own essays or poetry in Spanish.. just to improve my personal comprehension on the topic. Though I suppose I'll try next semester in the way that is deemed "passing" by the scholarly system. But hey, one thing I put at least a little true effort into (while I'm in class, and it shows) is band. Sight-reading is completely a hit or miss, and I'm particularly good at recognizing patterns within formulas, such as those used in math. And really, music is just a combination of math and acquired reading ability. My ability of playing of the instrument comes naturally with the slightest bit of effort and attentiveness. The others simply don't try, or otherwise put off exerting any effort until it is absolutely mandatory. No, I don't take private lessons, and honestly, I don't even practice at home that often. But I am competitive. I believe this is one of my greatest faults, and it's a aspect of my personality that could create tension or negative feelings between me and others, as it had in my past. But it's something that will carry me that much farther in whatever path I eventually become set on pursuing. Ah, the benefits of ambition.

My song

looking at a still frame
my eyes and soul are far away
and it feels as if I'm stuck
in a still frame -that's my luck

because the memories from those days
are still yet to fade away
and I'm not able to make a sound
as I'm being pressed straight through the ground.

(*)Chorus:
I gave my heart for you
admitted fears, too
standing so close, through and through
And I was left to drown in blue

No; we didn't soar, we didn't fly
my brilliance you willed to let die
And I alone tried, blind to your lies
why do you hide? why do you hide..?

It's shown through time that people change;
we're all mixed up and rearranged.
strange,how with our jumbled souls
we've been forced to switch roles

*chorus*

Bridge: So now, now tell me how
how we had broken, voided all our faith?
Like a broken record on a loop
you say things will stay this way..

condescending, but let me ask
if your amphibious, being so vicious
cold-blooded and exceedingly oblivious
this unique script you make...

*chorus*

I've learned that even though people say
that love is powerful and contrasts hate..
frankly, hate is nothing more than passion
to which love closely relates

now I know you're the one who'd kill
death of love, left not to feel
'cause apathy counters love in vain
tattered hearts you wish to gain

End-Yet no one person can be blamed
the victim's a fool for playing the game
well,we know now that nothing was gained
and you'll never see my pain!

My comment on the single video on youtube that I'd seen all day that was not littered with talk of Twilight..

...


"I am sooo surprised all those freakin Twilight fangirls didn't come and attack this video saying "Oh, this reminds me of this character/scene/whatever." Good. I want to stab those people in the face, because they keep invading good music videos and then rambling on about Twilight crap in the comments. "Which vampire is cuter? @.@" Really, I wish they would just gtfo. The book was overrated. It was mediocre at the most, and pretty damn boring most of the time. And I heard the movie sucked ass anyway. I wonder how much longer this stupid fad is going to keep going.. meh. Okay, I'm done ranting -^o^- *phew* Sorry, bout that. If you agree, come rant in response. I'd love to hate on it with someone. Lol. "

Well, I should start out by saying..

This is it...

This is my secret. I divulge it onto you with no fear. You do not know me, and I do not know you. As time passes it may feel as if you have started to figure out just who I am, but imprint the fact into your mind that no one can know me in full. I don't know myself. Most importantly, I do not suggest you do any of the things I have.

I will also publish my journal using pseudonyms, so any relation to real life characters that match the names are purely coincidental. I will also be posting starting with past entries in my journals and try to be as accurate as possible with dates.

This is a continuous story. My life is thusfar continuous. There is not yet any specific ending, so if you are looking for some type of resolve, I apologize in advance. I will try to keep my entries as real as possible, seeing as they all pertain to actual events in my life.

~JG