Bah

It's been too long since I blogged, probably... So much has happened since then. I almost died *again*. At least this time it wasn't a suicide attempt...

I still can't eat frequently... I don't talk about it, though. I have no energy... and I've become so incredibly isolated. I already was isolated... didn't think it could it get worse, but I was wrong. I'm at a loss.

I'm starting to honestly doubt I will ever be able to live on my own and have a functional life... my memory and concentration are horrid. I wish I could hold onto hope like others hold onto faith...

At least my medicine works. When I remember to take it, that is... I am behind today and depression is settling back in again.

... my head...

I'm trapped in a daze I can't seem to evade... depressed or not. I hope these aren't prodromal symptoms... though they likely are. I haven't experienced this type of behavior to this extent in the whole of my lifespan. I need help somehow... but I don't even know anything could help, and I don't know how to properly describe the problem. I feel more stuck inside myself with each passing day... I thought block so much. Family life isn't helping my stress level... I don't know how my body is even sustaining itself at this point.

I feel like everything about me is empty.

Where am I left, exactly?

It's such an interesting way to be torn... when you aren't even quite aware of your emotions. You know it's for the best, but at the same time, that connection is so vital for self-preservation, and ultimately, the development of your own happiness, joyous passion, and perhaps love in itself.

Love... I realize my own coping mechanisms have been held securely in place for the sake of survival, yet as I would distance myself from affection, that the caring that would bind me here would dwindle, as it has...

Again I am torn, however... If I let someone in, would it not end the same? Ironically, the fact that I have been reflecting on this indicates that I care... but could it be worth it for them?

Where the hell are my feelings???