Wow, it's been awhile... (internal monologue, kind of a hidden dialogue)

I haven't take time to write or otherwise channel my thoughts onto some impressionless medium. I wonder, no... think... no, I know it's out of some sort of fear... I have underlying anxiety issues about some truth, be it in the future or the past, by which revelation will cause my mind to unravel and descend into chaos, despite logically knowing that really, it's already there... here... but I guess most people don't see it that way.

I was reading some information about dream symbolism, particularly because my own are so strange and vivid. Dreams are an alternate reality, but just as lucid as this one, if not more so... the realm of the subconscious mind has always interested me, and time heals old wounds. I know I'm in pain somehow, but I don't know how to experience it or let it go. Part of me suggests I stop trying to analyze the situation because it objectifies it, estranging me from my emotions, but is that true? Do I try to think about it? What is it to just live in the moment and feel..?

I don't know anymore.

I'm used to disassociation and at this point it's so conditioned into me, it definitely is a subconscious coping mechanism, so why, then, do I struggle with making ends meet in the conflict between my consciousness? I accept something on a superficial level, and realize that's all I've ever had control over because of the gaping disjunction that now exists between intention and actuality. I just don't have control over some things and it's been so crucially important that I learned to accept that, but now I struggle to discern my own limits. My own understand is full of unknown... is the only true way to know myself to experience, rather than theorize about outcomes? I'm beginning to think, that as insecure and vulnerable as it makes me feel, that's 100% the truth. I fear doing things I regret and repercussions, but I'm just putting emotional weight onto the situation unnecessarily in doing so... I don't have to let things matter that much. I don't have to believe I'll be forever haunted by some ghost in my past, and I have been making assumptions for too long as I have shelled myself away from danger. Exposure. I'm not that weak. Vulnerability is crucial, bravery is its advocate; its enemy, fear. I need to find a happier medium. And I will stop saying "need".

Bah

It's been too long since I blogged, probably... So much has happened since then. I almost died *again*. At least this time it wasn't a suicide attempt...

I still can't eat frequently... I don't talk about it, though. I have no energy... and I've become so incredibly isolated. I already was isolated... didn't think it could it get worse, but I was wrong. I'm at a loss.

I'm starting to honestly doubt I will ever be able to live on my own and have a functional life... my memory and concentration are horrid. I wish I could hold onto hope like others hold onto faith...

At least my medicine works. When I remember to take it, that is... I am behind today and depression is settling back in again.

... my head...

I'm trapped in a daze I can't seem to evade... depressed or not. I hope these aren't prodromal symptoms... though they likely are. I haven't experienced this type of behavior to this extent in the whole of my lifespan. I need help somehow... but I don't even know anything could help, and I don't know how to properly describe the problem. I feel more stuck inside myself with each passing day... I thought block so much. Family life isn't helping my stress level... I don't know how my body is even sustaining itself at this point.

I feel like everything about me is empty.

Where am I left, exactly?

It's such an interesting way to be torn... when you aren't even quite aware of your emotions. You know it's for the best, but at the same time, that connection is so vital for self-preservation, and ultimately, the development of your own happiness, joyous passion, and perhaps love in itself.

Love... I realize my own coping mechanisms have been held securely in place for the sake of survival, yet as I would distance myself from affection, that the caring that would bind me here would dwindle, as it has...

Again I am torn, however... If I let someone in, would it not end the same? Ironically, the fact that I have been reflecting on this indicates that I care... but could it be worth it for them?

Where the hell are my feelings???