The day before..

..my birthday? Yay? Not quite. Actually, I don't care about my birthday. I don't plan to do anything, talk to anybody, get anything, go anywhere, nothing :\ I don't even feel like I'm really turning 17. This past year I kept thinking I was seventeen anyways.. and there has never been a day where "Mad World"'s lyrics have been so ironic in the way I relate to them. Never. Others are more excited for me than I am, and of course no one would see I was depressed today. Oh yes, I am a good person to hide their emotions from the rest of the world. Nobody could even guess that suicidal thoughts were constantly running through my head all. day. long.

What is one to do when nothing in the world could possibly make them happy, and nothing that had happened caused them to become depressed in the first place?

I'd like to think "give up." is not the answer..
I really would. Come on, life. Bring it. I know you can hurt me better than that.
Even though I did.. hurt myself today. I guess others would say it was pretty badly. Of course I told no one. I never tell people.. nor do I admit how screwed I really am. Maybe they'll find out after..
meh.

I let it hapen again. I let my thoughts accumulate to the point where they're overwhelming. I have to deal with them to let them go, but I didn't. I can't. It's too much.. too many.. it would take too long. It would hurt too much. Dreams fail me, so I'm just gonna..........

Scrawled words unspoken.

Today during class I was looking at my old journal.. and it's sad how many entries there were basically things I wish I could have said, but never could. Things I wanted people to know, but they never did. Even to this day..
Some I intended to share, but I never got around to it. Most of them I glad I never had, too; but some.. some of those things I still wish I could say, and some of them I wish I had when it would have mattered. I wonder how fate would have been altered had I played those cards.. but there's no point in living in the past.
..I wish my heart wouldn't contradict the things I say :(
I'm not too different in the way I tend to keep to myself. Back then I was a little bit too open about my private thoughts, and I though secrets were taboo.. but it turns out honestly hurts alot less than words spoken that were unwanted. I have my blog here, and it's not exactly private, but at the same time I don't advertise it or go guilt tripping people into trying to understand me. If they want to, cool. If not, cool. I don't really tell people about it, though, either. Just like my thoughts. I don't share with people unless they ask, and even then I may not.

Some of my past journal entries and my past blog posts..
I really,really don't like to read. I've forgotten who I used to be, and I kinda want it to stay that way. I don't want to trigger a return into the person I used to be. It's a person I don't want to know.. after all, they almost murdered me. They caused alot of people grieve that was totally unneccesary. And it was never who I truly was.. all that person was is the result of many accumulated insecurities and doubts about my intentions. Because bad things kept happening, I made the assumption that it was the way I had intended it all along. Grandiose thoughts, to an extent (>.<;)I'm done with that. I live life day by day now.

I'm lucky to be alive though, honestly. I did some stupid things back then. I was told I threatened to hurt someone.. but that.. I want to believe that person.. well, no I don't. I want to agree with them to help put the past where it belongs. But I don't really think that I had threatened anybody.. I think it was a misunderstanding. But my memory is so foggy from back then, I certainly won't dismiss the possibility.. Still, being told I threatened to KILL someone.. that seems like a far stretch, especially since the motif I opperated under was only hurt myself because I hurt others. What I was told by that person makes no sense.. none. I hated myself for even having a nightmare that I was torturing someone. And I looked up what dreaming of torturing someone means:

"To dream that you are torturing others or see others being tortured, suggests that you are punishing yourself for your own negative or bad habits. You are projecting yourself onto the person or animal being tortured. Consider the symbolism of who is being tortured. Alternatively, the dream may indicate repressed feelings of revenge which you are not able to act on in your waking life. "

The only reason I had that dream is because I had been hurt so badly. I never dreamed of killing them or anything.. it was torture, and when I woke up I cried. I hated myself... So I was really torturing myself. And I really was, I swear. I think after that dream I hurt myself in realitym too. It was the worst mental trap I had ever had.. and I think I want to cry now even remembering it. Gotta close the bedroom door, though..

Damn, if it wasn't the worst nightmare I ever had.... I live to help people. To HEAL people.. so a dream like that.......
*sigh*
I don't want to hurt people.. I don't want to see them hurt like me. I don't..
To see people hurt causes me the worst pain,especially if I cause it, because I empathize. I empathize against my will.

Summer is passing too quickly..

It's pretty sad, actually. When I first was released for break, I was sad. I didn't think I would actually be able to use my time to relax, and that even if I could, I would be bored to wits end. I've found the truth to be quite the contrary. I actually HAVE restored some of the sanity last year, and have also taken advantage of my free time to learn,learn,learn.. about topics and things that interest me, and also about people. And I've helped people,too. It's like I haven't lost anything at all, and guess what? I haven't genuinely tried to kill myself once this whole entire summer :O Wow! What an accomplishment, and I'm not even being sarcastic. It's not to imply I haven't had my ups and downs, because I'll tell ya, I have. I'd be lying if I said everything's been perfect, and my life has gotten simpler and better. Truly, it's probably gotten worse. I've just gotten better at appreciating the things I have, I guess.. Soon, though, things are going to start getting hectic. All beginning with my 17th birthday, which odd enough, seems like it's already in the past. I've been thinking I was already 17 practically the whole year.. *sigh*
People would ask me how old I was, and I would honestly have to think about it. It's so pathetic :3 It's so fun to be pathetic ^3^

Anyways~ back on track. After my birthday, I will probably be going to my friend's house. Er, I just remember that I'm gonna have to go to the doc's soon. I have some cysts or something growing on my wrist, and I'm starting to not be able to move my thumb on mah left hand, and that's annoying as hell. Anyways, after that it's my birthday, THEN I go to my friend's house, THEN I go to a band camp in the mountains for a week as a camp councelor in training, THEN I go to another band camp which is really a conditioning period for marching band and it lasts a week while.simultaneously I will be attending an AP prep class thing for two days out of the five when band camp takes place, and will be at school from 8am to 9pm. Woo~
And then~
school starts. so much for a summer "vacation" >.<
but then again, I suppose I prefer it this. Life on the edge. Boredom is the worst thing for me..
So school will start. Wonder what those days will bring.. that friend whose house I wanted to go visit.. well, she was my oldest friend. I've known her for 13 years...
that's most of my life :\ It will be sad with her not being there, but I think I'll be able to survive :0 I have other friends who don't mind my company too much, and actually like me to an extent. And I'm constantly making new friends, too. Something tells me that next year will be a year where I find myself and create a definite stronghold in the way I think, and most things I belief, and the idea of that is exciting!
It will also be a year where I discover who the people who matter in my life are.
I'm really curious.. though I know I have people who care for me outside of school, already. Various people who would probably marry me on the spot if I hinted was interested.. which is w/e. I can understand why people like me once they get to know me. It's because I care, and most people out there don't. To bad society only permits you to "love" one person. At least in the relationship way. I love alot of people in my life.. meh, I don't understand society. <_>

I feel like I'm dying again. My organs are twitching and I feek weak. It's hard to hold my arms up and my legs tingle.. I really hope I'm not.... There's too much left to do,learn,and say. But I'm truly alone tonight,even if people are there... i'm not depressed. More so pensive. I'm just trying to stay optimistic through all these odd symptoms and strange tastes in my mouth.. People could understand my intentions to easily.. I fear I never described well enough... But I'm not dead. Prolly not dying. I just feel like I am. Kinda. gah,idk.. i'm so.. Out of it,it's not normal.

So much for sleep. That went nowhere.. But at least the night passed quickly.

I'm tired again. I think maybe the transition has taken alot out of me in general,but then when did it truly begin? It's be a long journey, that's for sure. I hope I'm not cheating the learning process.. I continue to shake. Not too long ago, I froze. Part of who I used to be appeared,but given the situation.. I'm not surprised. I panicked. Only in that situation would I haved. He is,after all,the sole link to who I was. As much as he fears the lack of change, I do more. I try to learn and improve,but I'm still a fool; I know that. I still slip,too. That's okay.. I just need to get up and recover,and not dwell on mistakes. I need to not be a hypocrite and follow my own advise. Naiveity.. I need help right now :/ I need guidance

This way I feel:

It's strange. Good things happen, and they have more frequently to me. I'm waiting for the comedown from this emotional high.. afterall, it can't last forever.. right? I mean, I want it to, but.. If all I never knew was happiness and bliss.. then that happiness would cease to exist. And I would forget everything I ever gained, and that scares me.. I'd lose my understanding, and that's something I never want. Still, don't I deserve happiness too? Happiness without doubt..? But I do doubt. I doubt the authenticity of it all. I will openly say I pray regularly. I don't pray to someone in particular, but I pray to all that is good. Religion.. some forces should not be given labels, they should just be felt and known. Understood in a way that can't be rejected or denied, not an opinion. We all want; that cannot be denied. We all do.. And many of us forget what it is to take in life and live without words and definition. The things we feel don't have to be explained. Some things can never be put into words.. they'd only be lost in translation. And still, we try.. But I think I'll just take everything in and observe without trying to make sense of it. Yeah, I'll do that.

"Our Hope For You"

The name of the game is "play smart" without shame, -without doubt, without blame,and always aiming towards change! We don't know if we're playing god, but we hope that things won't stay the same. Even if all hope seems lost, standing tall we shall remain. You'll find that in the end, on us you'd learned to justly depend. And only then when these paths unwind, your story,finally,will truly begin. ~JG