Sometimes..

Sometimes I feel my body,like I'm alive, like I can control it... Like I'm real. Sometimes I don't. During those times that I don't,I wonder if I was ever real,or if any of this was ever real,and not just a figment of my imagination.. a daydream kidnapping me from another dimension and perpetually trapping me in a state of oblivion..

Sometimes I feel the only way to wake up is to end the dream.

Sometimes I feel like a puppet.. dangling from the stings of a twisted,sadistic marionette's tool.. and I feel like I am intentionally tricked into believing there's an inkling of a chance I could grasp the scissors that are always there,right out of reach.

But I know..
I know I'm getting tired of this sick little game. I know I cannot physically or spiritually tolerate it much longer. I know if I live in the afterlife and am allowed to reflect back on all of this,it couldn't possibly lead me to an insanity beyond what I already am experiencing,because there's nothing new I would learn.. no possibility that I could consider that could make me fear change... in this moment,even hell seems like a pleasant escape. No, even now I wouldn't make a deal with the devil, but I've been gradually losing control.. But I'll continue fighting to my death.

I know he cares..

..he shows it through his actions... though I may not have recognized it if I hadn't known him for as long as I have. Knowing it doesn't make me less depressed,though I can think thoughts someone outside of my body may consider happy.. they mean nothing to me;they are just words,lies.. After I beat that game,I knew I should die.. I should die...
Maybe my mind makes no sense,and frankly I'd rather feel so I knew exactly what I'm having to deal with...

WGHAOWGHWOEFOJGWOAJGWGVOFJOASODFJGWD:GJSgpWPGH"AWPgawhgawpfj[s
d

Things have been too much for me lately.. Writing for hours cannot even begin to relieve the anxiety from my pressured thoughts. Everything becomes valuable to know,everything means nothing..to me...

I'm so frustrated I don't feel like trying to communicate anymore.. I can't force myself to, I'm ready to just turn inwards and cut myself away completely. I can't live without meaning when it's so much easier to die to seek it.






~~~~~~~~~~~`



this post was actually from the 10th of March.. I just never pressed the publish button

tired and FINE

I'll say I'm tired,and I'm fucked up,irrational,neurotic,and excessive :D I woke up this morning feeling suicidal,by 2nd period I loved the world, by lunch I was ??? by after school I was coming down again, by 7pm I was suicidal. w00. I sincerely hope she's okay,because frankly,if she's dead, my world is going to completely fall apart.. I've been on the edge for awhile,anyways.. C'mon. Be that one thing. I dare you >_>

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