Oh geez, here we go again. Truth? Whatever..

Fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,everythingissodamnfake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake,fake!

I hate it when I feel this way;like everything around me, the people and places,the emotions I "feel",the thoughts I have about myself and others, it all seems like one big stupid lie. Like I'm a lie in every way, even my existence. I hear a ringing,but I'm not sure if it's electricity or my tinnitis. vgiughfiuhaoewigfviuiupeagbdrfviuaewiudfhpiachudsigubviupcwhdiupfhviuheiudfhviuehpaifudvhiuehfiupgvhipeuafhdvppwiuerhgfviupwiuperfvhpwefupqwiu[hfeoquefp

BLARG!

My moods have been up and down so many times it's unbearable.. It's probably because my sleep pattern has been suffering lately. Even still, I've been having persistent depressing thoughts for quite awhile again,but I don't really want to do anything about them.. I know I could medicate or self-medicate and prolly do at least SOMETHING, but I don't want to risk making it any worse. If it gets worse... well, it's been a long time since I've tried to kill myself, and I'd really really like to keep it that way. The last time I did, in fact, was.. just a few days before my last birthday,and that turned out messy >_< Note to all who read: don't ever try to OD on well over 50 sleeping pills with alcohol.. It's a slow,agonizing death that could leave you permanently fucked up if you don't die(in a bad way). It's actually really surprising that I tried to die right then, I mean.. I had generally been doing so much better. How many times have I tried to kill myself,anyways? Huh, I never really tried to tally, so let's see what I can remember.. Oh, and to this day my parents still don't know that I ever tried to kill myself, but they do know that I've been suicidal before because of the writings they stole from me >_>
~~
First time: 10th grade, self-injury with knife or something and bleeding in hot shower, planned aspirin OD, didn't follow through with latter part, still have the scars. I thought I was possesed by the devil or at least some evil spirit. I thought I was a burden to the people in my life and I would be better dead to the people who did care about me. To the people who didn't care.. well,what did it matter to them?

Second time: 10th grade, pill mixing (Zonigram and Geodon), took something like 14 pills and thought it was enough to be lethal(harharhar), it wasn't -.- Surprisingly,though,they did interact and it was one of the closest times I ever came to death and I did pass out thinking I was going to die. Still thought I was possesed and I pretty much felt the same way as I did last time for the most part.

Third time: 10th grade, alcohol mixing and alot of it, I got really,really sick. I threw up and passed out eventually, but didn't die. I think I drank over 20 oz of 40% altogether, and while there was a poisonous reaction from mixing, I didn't intend for it to happen, nor was this really so much of a definite suicide attempt. If anything it was more of a "I'm going to drink more alcohol than I think my body can take and hope I die. If I do, oh well. If I don't, f***, oh well. There's always tomorrow." Michael found this amusing. (this may have been later on in 11th grade, I don't remember so well. I wonder why xD) By now I had realized that me fucking up my life was me fucking up my life, though this just added to my own sense of self-hatred. I thought everything was completely beyond my control and I was fresh-out of hope.


Fourth time:10th grade summer Concerta,Adderall,Prozac,Lamictal,Fluvoxemine, Aspirin, Geodon,Zonigram,Abilify, and a bunch of other crap meds I can't remember. This time I was really,really hoping for an interaction.. again I passed out, but.. I woke up pale, and my parents asked if I was okay because I looked like death and I told them I was fine.. ahahaah. They believed it. Funny how people see what they want to see(or is most convinient), especially if the truth is ugly. This thought was depressing..

Fifth: 11th grade(night before) band camp,Adderall and Lamictal oversdose, don't remember how much I took but I know it was alot. I was hoping to just be dead because I was tired of my consistent inability to do anything right. I was a failure at everything,to everyone, and from every day up until that I had only been kidding myself into thinking otherwise. My life was a lie,and I was fake.

Sixth time: 11th grade, Extreme concerta overdose(way over LD-50), I actually went to school this day, and didn't care if I just randomly died during it,either. I kinda hoped I would,actually, so maybe then all the stupid idiots of the world would realize what kind of suffering people go through on a day-to-day basis as they flaunt their state of bliss. Yes, I know this was selfish.. kind of.

Seventh time: I went to the train tracks near my house because something compelled me to sneak out of my window in the middle of the night and visit. My thoughts would not stop, and like the many times before, I would give anything in that moment to make that happen. I sat down near the tracks,but by the time I had gotten there,my mood had already lifted to the point that not only did I have energy, but I wasn't in an agitated, mixed-episode of depression. I went home.

Eigth time: I went to the train tracks again determined not to be side-tracked by petty feelings of adequecy that came from nothing. "My previous happiness was all a lie," I thought, "and none of it was ever real." What was happiness,anyways? Had I ever experienced such a thing? Even if I experienced a state of mind that made me feel like there was some hint of reason for me living, wouldn't it just fade again? I drank alcohol,deciding not to say good-bye to anyone, and waited for a train. I first sat next to the tracks,watching a train pass by very close to me and noted that a police car was right at the intersection that wasn't too far down,and the cop seemed to be sitting there for quite awhile. "Will he do anything?" I wnondered,but ultimately he drove off. "Great," I said aloud laughing at the sattirical situation,"I'm just another victim of the bystander effect."
I lied down on the tracks,closed my eyes and took in the feeling for awhile.. nobody knew me. Nobody cared. Nobody would expect to be right there,right then, I would think. I opened my eyes and then I saw something beautiful.. the sky. I was filled with this renewed sense of wonder and pulled out a notepad and started to write. Eventually,after writing for awhile, I staggered off of the tracks and fell down the rocks drunkly and upon landing tore my pants, which were greasy from the oil on the tracks. I somehow managed to get home inside without raising any suspicions,even when my mom found my torn and greasy pants in the laundry.

Ninth: 11th grade, I oded on ibuprofen thinking that "Hey, there are statistics that people have died because of this medication. If I take enough, maybe I'll finally be dead. Finally." but of course there were other reasons why,too.. My inner voice can tear me apart worse than any person outside of myself in this world ever could,period. I went to school that day,too,after overdosing that night and I can tell you that being sick was an understatement. I left psychology to puke my guts out for a good half-an-hour. I still felt like crap, and I was kinda hoping my organs were failing as a reward for how much I suffered. Maybe there were, but not fast enough. I didn't die,so yeah.

Tenth: 11th grade summer,this is the big one. I intentionally looked up how many sleeping pills it would take to kill most people and I swallowed as many as I could after drinking a few shots of alcohol(at least). What the hell,man.. I first felt like I had to go to the bathroom after my perception was all screwed up, and I threw up in the toilet sooooo much. It was green, and it was really weird, but to get over to the bathroom and move at all was extremely difficult. I was wobbling all over the place and once I sat down I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to get up again. Using all my strength after wretching my guts out of my body, I made it back into my bedroom,landed on my bed and passed out. I woke up several times that night,and I was covered in vommit when I did.. I could barely breathe anyways, and I just kept praying for the suffering to end, and I felt like the pain was worth it if it took me to that goal, and there WAS pain. A HUGE amount of pain, and there always is when you're dying,I guess. It was the worst I'd ever felt in my life, but even that was bearable if it would end the emotional strife I had gone through for many years.. Passing out,waking up,passing out,waking up, I eventually woke up late the next day, and I was NOT well. My vision was bad, my hearing suffered, and I was scared that I'd be stuck this way forever if I didn't succeed the next time I tried to kill myself. I still have some hearing and vision trouble, but not nearly to that extent, and I never told my parents about my vision. While I did tell them about my hearing, I didn't tell them why it happened..
~~
This cat has more than 9 lives, it seems, though with the severity of some of those attempts, I really wonder how. There were more attempts than these,too, but I can't remember enough details about them to share.. I just know that they happened. There was a few other severe ones, but I don't think they were as severe as some of the ones mentioned here.. I won't really count them. xD Sad, I have so many I classify them based on how much I think they affected me. Nobody knows about this,really.. I never told anybody about all these mishaps, and I doubt anybody would care to know in such detail. If people doubt I'm bipolar or that I was ever truly depressed.. they don't even know half of the truth to the things I go through on a daily basis. I wouldn't even bother to share with them my past and all the reason I believe I have a mood disorder anyways.. with this track record, who wouldn't think I'm a freak or otherwise report me to authorities or something?
I have been better, though.. I have a higher level of self-control and more will-power than I ever did before. My therapist said the biggest obstacle I would have to overcome in my lifetime was my depression, but in saying this she didn't even know how true the words she'd spoken were. I've tried different mood-stabilizers and anti-depressants and anti-psychotics, but they didn't work. Unless I want Shock Therapy(worst fate,worse than hell for me as I'm so uber sensitive to electricity), I'm on my own. I'm not stupid though,despite the stupid actions I had taken.. I truly believe I can survive, and unlike before, I know I have the power to preservere. I will always try my best to make it through;this is my unseen battle that nobody else is aware of. I only have the power to save myself, and this is do or die.

I'm so tired of trying to be something that I'm not because I'm worried about how people will react. I think I'm done being coy;this is me. Take it or leave it, I have flaws and I will never,never,never be perfect. The things I've been through can't be taken back,but the fact that time is unforgiving is not my fault.

I remember in 3rd grade I recieved a card from my parents and I thought it was the best present I had ever recieved because it said they would listen and that they loved me despite my flaws,and it was all I ever really wanted.. the idea of unconditional love. Later,however,my heart broke as I found out it wouldn't last,and it didn't..

Ohdamnwhathaveigottenmyselfinto? Damn mania,spinning thoughts of grandiosity... But at the same time,it's not past me! Weeee-
like the times I just snuck out my window in the middle of the night to walk without purpose.. That time I met.. Him.. And tried to pretend what happened never did.. But I can't forget it. I won't. Ultimately, I fought temptation and won :3 I doubt most people would have as fondly formed memories of such misadventures.. Not of this variety <3 like that time I went staggering to school drunk with a friend,almost walking into traffick with that friend saving my ass,all while I was stating "alcohol doesn't affect me!" ahaha,good times,indeed! I could've sworn that signal said "go". Am I rambling about nothing? Of course. Aren't I always?

Yesterday I was reading about who the guy was who shot John Lennon,just to try to understand if he was crazy or what,and I read about the association between him and "The Catcher and the Rye",and how he saw John as being phony and advocating athiesm and having so much money while preaching to the poor.. And I wondered what he said in his music that could have conveyed that message,as John Lennon was a very peaceful guy... And then today,I happened to watch "Glee" for the first time and I heard the song "Imagine"... I had never heard it up until that point and I didn't know it was by John Lennon,but I instantly loved it,so I looked it up on youtube,and instantly I understood how the message could have been misconstrued... As the worst of the closed-minded could interpret his music;as an attack and insult,so unfortunate,because he even used the word "Imagine"... Can't you at least imagine? Imagine with me.....

I wonder if everyone else has,if only for a moment,felt completely connect with everything and at peace within themself? It's something I've experienced frequently,anyway..

And the lyrics "No one understands,my dear,no one really cares." keep running on through

Persistant .: X..............
now I feel the need to catalogue each type. Damn it,it won't stop .T~T.

Grandiose thoughts,Gtfo my head please....

sn't this everybody's problem? Erg,the world keeps disappearing. The world is gone,so loosely associated symbols,metaphors,similiesbutnotsomuch the last

s like an oscillating pendulum..
I know something is wrong with my thinking process,I think I'm dellusional,but hoowww? How do I stop is and whhhyyyy? I

I let it drop because I forgot and every time it hits him I feel bad,because I remember it wasn't the first or second time,deja vu to the time my leg wa

being shocked all over again to learn I already went through it.. And I keep accidentally kicking my cat because I forget my leg is hanging in the air,so

badly... I keep thinking something is moving but my eyes aren't adjusting and I forget what I already said before I type it thinking it's a new idea and

for temporary terms and I saw patterns in the darkness and a flashing light,and I keep hearing discrepancies in pitch in my ears and my head hurts sooo

is is why I can't look back. Too much on my plate now,I can't afford to not live in the moment,and I doubt I can afford this either,but I'm doing it,even

sends more information than the storehouse can decrypt... Junk mail... It's all junk mail. Too much,too much! I can't even sleep,it's just.. Too much. Th

things I just can't sort through because I have no filter,no focus,they just keep coming because the range of vision is becoming so broad the processing

till there. In death is suppose the world could not be denied as the thoughts would not be there to deny it. Everything would just "be". Mania.. So many

e. I think I'm losing my mind. A million thoughts like these are racing when my eyes are shut and I can pretend the world is black,but the thoughts are s

me, we've made all these catagories to make sense of reality to the best of our abilities,but how can you truly make sense of chaos? We make our own sens

thoughts and my thoughts was lost as my brain tired... They all became "thoughts" as the subdivions was the first thing to corrode with fatigue. Over ti

es I forgot everything else.. Even the shock of the fact my eyes were closing. When I thought about the thoughts of another,the distinction between their

Every time I blinked,I thought,"The darkness shouldn't be this complete." but then I opened my eyes again and wondered where it went. When I closed my ey

More and more I've been thinking about the situation that appears to have befallen me.. Music.. For so long it's been something I was able to identify with and people tend to recognize it as being such a distinct part of who I am,but it's not me! I'm tired of the impossible standards I set and try to uphold.. It's such a structure set of expectations that it all seems pointless. I need to start over from ground 0,I think.. Even if it's to rediscover myself. I am not what I do. I am seperate from my thoughts and actions,therefore I have the ability to influence them. Still,I tend to wish the process of death would hurry up. Things would be alot less complicated =_= I'm in so far over my head..
I bring about my own failure,anyways.. I just wish I knew how,exactly.

Today was one of the worst days of my life..
I fought terribly with my parents and got verbally,emotionally,and physically assaulted. Not fun.. And it was all because I needed $10 to send my SAT scores before the deadline. According to them,that makes me a bitch. OK then...

I am just going to try to disregard mishaps like that.
How relevant is it to my own growth and maturing? It just seems so frivilous...

I can't believe all those things they say,otherwise what worth would I have within my own mind as a justification for the hope I attempt to muster? There are thoughts I have that make me feel like I should bang my head on the wall -yes,headbanging- til I go unconscious. Blarg.Vacation.. And people wonder why I like school so much x.x

Nobody would guess the lens through which I view this world. Nobody could see when I am so far down the ground looks like heaven.. But this is my fault. It is my own incompetence that leaves me mute.

Noir

I feel so chill right now.. I can look at the wonder and wonder.. why must everything be made so complicated with hate and love, and the pitiful intricacies.. I just would lie here and feel..

It's nice. This is why I had a conversation with somebody who was high and could relate. Except I'm not on chemicals when I feel this way.... I just am high off of the happiness life has to offer me so naturally. I love love love love love love...

I am confused and frustrated.. I'm confused about who I should be frustrated with and why I am.. I'm confused about the emotions I feel towards certain people and what reasons I try to give to explain them within my mind. I'm soooo confused,but at least I'm not confused about who I am.

When a "sorry" sounds so empty..

dered a sin. It's a double-edge.. You betray others and yourself.

nce directed towards those I percieve to be in greater need of life,liberty,happiness,and salvation. This,I have come to understand,is why pride is consi

d to help those less fortunate than me. I'll try to remember that maintenance of my own health and sanity isn't the equivalent to selfishness and neglige

under strain.. But.. They're human. I'M human. I keep forgetting that I need to care for myself,too. If I don't and I die as a result,then I am disallowe

idn't value my body and health,physically. It's so weird to be limited and restrained by such a cage, I disregarded it because I didn't care if it broke

em to the same standards I hold myself.. I was seriously injured,not to mention I could have died or something,because of my stupid decisions.. But.. I d

t even breathe.. My intent behind these things was to lead by example and gain respect,but it appears that the message was misunderstood. I don't hold th

se they were so directly a result of my pride..
Passing out then immediately marching, marching after I was sick from dehydration,marching when I couldn'

ed a lower score compared to having to witness him during a heart attack tomorrow midshow..
I think that in the past,my decisions I made we idiotic becau

t the parade,and I told him today that nobody would be upset if he didn't march at the competition. It's much more important that he rested and we reciev

ot a good combo if you ask me >_<;)... Was not fairing so well after the partial run-through of our fieldshow during half-time. The same thing happened a

The sad thing about tonight is that one of my friends who has high blood pressure with a simultaneously comorbid inclination towards low blood-sugar.. (n

the many shades of gray are more intriguing than all else. Bright colors,though visually attractive,are mainstream. I'll look beyond.Beauty in subtlety

. They relate as they discourage and despise any veering towards acceptance of an opposite but equally valid idea. Real life is not extreme.. And I think

quiring nature for the sake of preserving this quota of "purity" as imposed by higher ups and different religious leaders;dictatorship,tyranny,hypocracy.

y ways,but I give myself the power to choose a preference. I'm not a spectator who is materialistic and corrupt in the sense that I would sacrafice my in

he best. I believe mine is more gratifying because in the search for truth,I learn the ways that I was mislead and naive. I learn to see the world in man

immature and haven't discovered that their way is,in the end,the best method."..and you know what? I still haven't come to believe their perspective is t

best lesson they learned was not to live life without complicating it through attempting to interpret.. Maybe nothing has any meaning. Maybe you're just

,"People say you are gifted,and that you are so far beyond them intellectually,but.. They've spent the same amount of time here.. So how do you know the

ach this illusory "end"? Why do I want to know? Sometimes I feel like.. I'm the laughingstock of the world. When I was younger,I often used to ask myself

will have nothing left to learn..
With this thought,I wonder..
if there would be nothing to learn inevitably,than for what reason do I press myself to re

Not when I feel this way. I want to remain untouched,though time will move us along as it never ceases,except within our perception. When time stops,we

fort and peace in the midst of chaos.. That's so completely a blessing that in this moment,I couldn't think of a single addition I would make to my life.

be grateful for,like my life as it is,and even though the sickness may be multiplying and we're all destined to die at some point, I am able to have com

than when I am surrounded by friends. That is something my household cannot offer..

My ears are ringing and I'm thinking about all the things I should

Home turf.. Literally. The game is over,and while the scoreboard marked us as being "away",never do I feel a higher sense of belonging and purposefulness

And I'm a bit more level again compared to yesterday,though I have no idea how long this mirage of normalcy will be endured. I can't really complain,can I? I still know that pain is better than feeling nothing,because when you feel nothing you're practically dead. This pain is a gentle reminder that it's not quite over yet.. That's how I know this isn't a dream. That's how I know to keep on... Sometimes.
Heh. It's not surprising so many writers,artists,musicians,actors,and geniuses are bipolar,is it? With such an epic battle just below the surface,we learn as much as possible with the hope of using that knowledge in order to somehow facillitate it. No such luck in half of the contendors,it seems.
Statistics,statistics.. People wonder why I am so sceptical and reluctant to rely upon them.. Well if I did,then I would have no hope. They are not at all in my favor. Considering everything,it appears they never were. Perhaps I'm just your ordinary fool;an idiot fighting fate. Or.. Maybe I was put in this position with a greater purpose.. With the assumption that I would surpass these obstacles and use the tales of my tribulations to enlighten others with the truths I had gained throughout my journey. I cannot deny what lies before me. I can't deny what is. I think,therefore I am. And you know what this fool has always said: we will make a connection when none exists simply to have peace of mind. I won't fight the beliefs I have,but I will reform them if I notice a flaw in my doctrine.

God,I'll pray yet again today and wonder out loud why you have placed me in a hole again and punished me for following my heart;the very thing you held so high as being your creation and advocated by example as being the thing I should follow? I love so much but ultimately I end up getting hurt so much worse than those who surround me. While it's a potent tool that I couldn't live without,its effectiveness I do sometimes doubt and it leaves me powerless when it climbs to my throat,leaving me in a state of weakness so that I can't even begin to shout as I feel the stabbing pains.. I don't even know from where the originate,but I promised you I'd do whatever you'd need,and become who you wanted me to be.. So here I am,left suffering and alone,always dying for you with no promise that any of this was true besides memories in which I once resided, yet can't presently be applied to the here now in which I'm left drowning.
Can there even be peace without war?

Just another day in paradise...

My... Head... f***. And depression strikes again. Too many things are happening.. Too much. Everything is too much for me right now... I just want to curl up and die. It's not normal depression,no.. It's a mixed episode because I simultaneously want to run out the window and jump in front of a train.. If I am depressed at school,what the hell can I do? With Andrew walking with me after 1st,if I take off suddenly that'd be weird,if I say nothing,that'd be really obvious,and there's no way I could just say I'm fine. Not even. As for saying the truth.. What could he even say? What could ANYBODY say?
*insert awkward silence here* "oh.... I hope you feel bett...
awkward silence here* "oh.... I hope you feel better........."
.......................................does not want. I want to get the hell out of my to somebody put me out of my misery already??? I've...
only been asking for years.... And in a way,I am a veteran of this internal war that is all too real,yet truly I only survived the battle. Though the wa...
et truly I only survived the battle. Though the war has yet to claim me.. I've tried to kill myself so many times that I'm probably dead,anyways.. This is all probably fake. This pain feels so real,though <\3

Ughhhhhh

I want to die,I want to die,I want to be dead,I want to be shot in the head...
shot in the f***ing head right now. The memories keep echoing and..no more. I don't want this anymore... It hurts so bad... Surely death should seem more sound.
this,writing isn't helping.
echo my thoughts,echo my soul,repetitive misery,a redundant hole.
let me out of this cage
that seems to be symbolic
of your supressed rage
for which I'm held accountable
the pain fuels my uselessness
I will never get used to this
and I doubt when I die
would I truly be missed
and the scars that some
would have on the wrists
faded from your eyes
yet they don't cease to exist
.UPS .AnD. _downs_I want to be in one place
not wasting my time
occupying multiple spaces
defying the laws of physics
but my mind won't let me
sleep like another,so soundly
and whatever words I cry
are so empty,no purpose to try
I might as well die..
if this pain take from me reason
then what force am I left with?
no longer would it be an act of treason
to aim to find the answer the one way I could
nobody would know the words
that I refuse to speak
you may think it's utterly absurd
but I'm glad...

..you don't know.

The teardrops... Sting my face.. I want to collapse inward..to be anywhere else but here. To be dead.....