Reflecting on times long past..

It's surprising. I always have this tendency to assume I was so different in the way I thought a year ago, but who I am hasn't really undergone so much of a transformation. In many ways, I believe I was more creative and more intensely driven by my aspirations, but now.. I don't know. I really don't know.

Every day that passes is a reminder that time is running out and I'm beginning to feel a little cornered. I've been dealing with some pretty horrible depression lately, if it wasn't apparent. Suicidal thoughts continually run through my head;I'm trying my best to ignore them,but in times of weakness.. I want to regress. Regress back into my most pitiful state of being... I want to die, I want to live, I want to not know, I want to know,I want time to stop,but to not be wherever "here" is.
I never would have imagined I could relate so well to others with these thoughts.. Not truly. Not in the way that I can. Not in the way that I am. Everybody needs somebody sometimes. I am not above it. I don't want a relationship.. I really could care less, but what I need is a friend. I need somebody to whom I am not a faceless entity.. and I think I've discovered somebody like that. Somebody who.. I'd much rather listen to and talk with and I really.. They're just amazing. I've had this nagging suspicion about this person for years..

..I should talk less. I could sympathize more.

I'm not gonna lie,it's hurts to try but I have to learn to depend on myself if I ever want to make it outside off hell's cell.

Balance

Is an interesting thing to strive to achieve. When you think about it,it's a sense of imbalance that gives our lives any meaning. I had a philosophical debate about it with Pat about it,actually,and in the end she lost an answer and I gained nothing. Oh well. Back to square one yet again..

It's really quite a shame I go completely dellusional from time to time.. Some of my ideas might have been brilliant if I knew I was being dellusional and could figure out just how I was doing it.. but my trains of thoughts are too faulty at times, I can't trust my judgement. What I lack is a sense of continuity of self.



"Selective-Encoding Insight- Involving one to distinguish what is important in a problem and what is irrelevant. (i.e. filter)
Selective-Comparison Insight- Identifying information by finding a connection between acquired knowledge and experience.
Selective-Combination Insight- Identifying a problem through understanding the different components and putting everything together."



The first one is mainly my problem.. It leads to pointless obsessions and overstimulation.






hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.........

How can I be at such a loss of words?

I'm the person who can write page after page about nothing,yet here I am,speechless and torn. Everything about this is all too familiar. I can only do what I can,anything beyond that is.. not in my control. Not something I would deny thinking about,but it's not my responsibility. I know where my heart is and I guess ultimately that's what matters,but.. I wish it didn't hurt this bad to give up control of my words;to know that nothing I could say would allow them to come across in a specific way.. the way I actually intend them to be recieved. Is it truly so hard to understand that there can exist something between extremes? Meh.. it did use to be for.. It was a long journey for me back then;one I'm still trailing through,and I'm not afraid of whatever the future may bring. Yet..


"I hope you're happy in the end...
I hope you're happy,my..friend...."

It is really starting to seem like life is a prolonged hyprasy. Everything occurs in circles and cycles,ultimately leading us back to base one. "If pain leads me from reason,then what force am I left with? No longer would it be an act of treason to find the answers the one way I could."I had said before,but perhaps the treason lies in the illusion of reason,or I see that there is reason in treason,both ideas being equally true,still leaving me with no proclaimed direction,but I don't control the fact that I move. Meh.

Sometimes I stop and ask myself "What the fuck are you doing?! Are you INSANE???" and then I realize I'm following my heart,acknowledging my emotions as being a part of me. This is my true self.. I'd gain nothing in denying it but an emptiness..one I'd come to know well in the past. It's so weird to think I would have screwed myself over at a time,but then it makes perfect sense logically.. If not doing so would have resulted in me remaining the same,I would never have moved past my skewed reality. It's been a long,weary roading.. Maybe I shouldn't feel proud,because to be myself considering how the fact that I had orchestrated my own demise before makes me doubley a perpetrator,but I do. I guess somebody else will have to codemn me :( This doesn't change the fact that I have peace knowing I did the best I could,and whatever happens in my life is beyond me. I'm ready for the next lesson,or possible consequence.

eality exists than the one I experience and I will learn to appreciate things how they are without making a comparison to another point in time.

love and truly submit to the idea that I know nothing(and that knowing nothing,I still know as much as anybody else).. I will not believe that a better r

y more correct or true than another and that real "truth" is whatever I choose to make it. I will not confuse the love of external reassurance as actual

mine are really a matter of opinion,and accepting that opinion is mine,regardless of how others may judge it. I will remember no judgement is technicall

t make sense to me,but I will seek to understand from where they originated. I will try not to impose my opinions on others,acknowledging what beliefs of

t and not my head,and to live for my heart with my heart as my head guides me in doing so. I will not devalue emotions or thoughts just because they don'

regardless of others' reactions,I will feel fulfilled within myself knowing I can only do my best at any given time. I promise to love myself for my hear

my past and present motivations,and ready to reform. I will learn to feel while I think and be in the moment simultaneously. I will learn to act so that,

nsight to know it was necessary to uncondition myself and draw the distinction between one thing or another,opinion or fact. Here I am now,very aware of

an awful price,yet I was too young to distinguish between pride,self-gratification,and self-love..even self-acceptance. The connection was made with no i

dencies and bouts of self-denail;the idea that if I wasn't one way,I would no longer be a valuable person. Commiting the sin of being prideful came with

g. If you brag,you will end up with no friends,because nobody likes braggers." ..I think it might have been what triggered alot of my perfectionistic ten

covering up the true problem:the underlying cause. I remember perfectly the moment in my life when I was younger that my mother had warned me,"Don't bra

formation,without those extremes,I would not be so unstable mentally right now. Helping people is my anti-drug,but it works just the same. Either way,I'm

The most significant thing I have to say in regards to everything is that extremes are evil. <_> Even if everything that occurs is a product of reaction

an contrasting characteristics. That simple truth is one too many people disregard.

ome. I've studied all types of philosophy so that I could be able to identify in each foreign concept. Afterall,we will always share more similarities th

hey exist contrary to my plane.. They're not any less true or any less real;just different,and difference is something of an illusion which we must overc

t that other people do not understand things the same way as I do without looking down on them,but I can see wisdom in their differing outlooks,even if t

hing more or less than it,so I find no reason to deny it. My heart is what leads me to resolve outdated beliefs,not a drive of perfectionism. I can accep

make me human. For a long time,I used to be afraid of being human,too;I've come to find it's the happiest and most honest way to live. I'll never be anyt

used to be much more prideful,yet pain taught humility.. Something I had needed to learn for a long time. I'm not afraid of my flaws,though I know they

ways I've changed.. I'm pretty happy with the person I have become through all of this. It took time,but the important lessons typically do to sink in. I

sure I've changed in a great many ways. I realize that I change more than I would realize,anyways,so it really is saying alot to consciously be aware of

r gone since I first attempted and at the moment,I don't even feel suicidal ;D it's quite a feat. Even though in many ways my life is much worse than it

had been then,I seem to be generally happier.. I can't believe it's been over 2 years oO.. Even the last year just seemed to fly by :D Despite that,I am

I've been thinking about it and I figure I should congratulate myself. It's been over 6 monthes since my last suicide attempt. That's longer than I'd eve

Sooooo...yeah... Woke up at 4am this morning and right now I'm over at Sunnyside High School.

ny sense,but I still cry.. I have no idea.. None.. I have nothing..
..i am nothing... Maybe in sleep I'll drift far away,and never revisit this place..

n reality while in dreams I wake up and all I can know is right now which I can't tolerate not ending.. I can't know if it will,or if any of this makes a

end up like her D; but there's nothing to cry for..I am so confused. So many times it hasn't made sense the next day,how do I know I'm not dreaming now i

o badly T~T my head...
GHRAW,away.. There is a tear streaming down my cheek.. One never-ending tear. I wish I knew how to help myself.. I don't want to

e confines of my mind,bound,gagged,and drowning,all at the same time... I couldn't care;in my dreams I knew,but they were apart from me...
it hurts soooo

o awareness.. Nobody could even understand how I could be so dead while living.. There was no control,no will for it... I was trapped somewhere beyond th

than a spectator... I was less than a puppet,totally seperate from thought and emotion,I resided in the moment proceeding.. There was no consciousness,n

OmgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgGET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD
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IT WON'T STOP
nights on end
and it gets worse
with each passing
period of unrest
the divider between
my world and
theirs is starting
to dissolve back
into the nothingness
where my head
would rather be
reality,and I was no longer me. Nothing had value or purpose,and there was nothing to live for,nothing mattered. Everything was there,and I was even less
I keep remembering when I completely seperated fromthan a spectator... I was less than a puppet,totally seperate from thought and emotion,I resided in the moment proceeding.. There was no consciousness,n

thout being aware while we're doing it. We can't know which times we weren't aware,so ultimately, we depend on the truth we see. One that always changes.

We make true what we believe,and objectity doesn't matter unless we involve another perspective. Even then,we pick and choose.. And we even may do so wi

is more true?" Then I realize the pointlessness of the question because the answer was already obvious before I asked it. Everything and nothing is true.

logic has been faulty before and unwillingly/unknowingly limited,and your emotions have no known rational basis at times,which is more dependable? Which

fluctuation in my routine and label it the source. Heh.. It all would be ration,but just as much untrue. Sometimes I think this way..sometimes.... But em

otions exist.. I can't pretend they don't. I can't pretend that they don't sometimes get the best of me,either... Then I question "What is real? If your

larness could be explained away,even if I still find no other option than to call it a neurochemical discrepansy.. I can backtrack to find the slightest

to be an authentic,unbiased,logical connection. I feel to fall back on viewing emotions as a work of magic would be cheating myself. Even most of my bipo

t regardless of my will to leave it be,part of me still seeks to give it meaning. Somehow,that same part of me never fails to establish what truly seems

self that a feeling can exist without having to rationalize it first, and that,like Pascal philosophized,"The heart has reasons which man cannot know",bu

fortunately,there is no emotional compensation for my gained understanding, and outside of logic,life seems to lack depth and meaning :/ I try to tell my

in more insight about through what means it came to be. It doesn't hinder what you believed would be an astounding sense of intuition;it amplifies it! Un

I tend to experience an emotion,dettach from it,then analyze it for any intuitive value. Au contraire,Pat. By existing outside of the emotion itself,I ga

I have a tendency to disassociate from the moment and my sense of self as I think.. I guess it would explain why it's hard fo my to form my own opinion.

A couple of issues were brought to my awareness today in therapy..
Apparently it's an issue that I can't easily think and feel at the same time and that

being the model of a concave circle? Maybe tomorrow I can dare to see the sky as being boundless again,instead of an obscure extension of these 4 walls.

state of implosion and the window is so tempting again,but what would be more unsettling;a being crushed into the shape of an indefinitely small cube,or

moment exists the past,present,and future,with the concept of them being seperate nothing more than an illusion.. My white walls seem to be in a constant

had set,enough to keep me warm. I think,therefore I am.. I think,therefore I am.. All I can know is the moment;through it,we are all connected. In this

ving in the moment. These questions have weaved their way into the fabrication of my complete perception, with neither that knowledge,nor the two fires I

age of three. Even still,they are just as much an obsession to me now as they has ever been,and they don't cease to preoccupy me even in the midst of li

believe I was insane.. I've recycled these same questions though my mind since I was first aware of the outside world and the concept of death:the young

interesting thing to be trapped this way in the confines of your mind :/ Interesting,but it's something I am far to familiar with,and.. I always used to

so long plagued me. I try to fight fire with fire with the hope that one will burn out the other instead of somehow feeding off each other. It's such an

ty that is brought in such a fashion that it would fully sink in.. There appears to be no way to lastingly satuate this thirst for understanding that has

would not so easily return to the reigns. Part of me seems to linger and in the meantime,I feel completely incomplete. To my dismay, I can find no validi

:when did that dream end and when did reality begin? "I think,therefore I am..", I'd chant redundantly in my mind,like some sort of mantra;yet awareness

ery time I awake from such a phase,whole again,but with such gaps in my recollection that it all appeared to be a prolonged dream. The problem is,however

mind,all sensibility following my gaze out the window. Irrationality has payed me a visit time and time again,but it was disguised as revelation..and ev

There are songs rolling through my head,fragmented lyrics looping over and over like an obsession awaiting my next compulsion.. For nights I have lost my

Slowly I see myself becoming more like him..

I remember way back when.. I was far from being in his shoes. I had this illusion of understanding that would only later dissolve into what it really was;nothing,ignorance,misunderstands for which I was to blame. "You always make assumptions",and I couldn't understand what he meant by that then,though I was sure I did. I was always so sure that I understood him better than he understood himself.

But now, here I am. I see myself then through his eyes, and I see from where his irritation stemmed.. what fatal errors he made along the way,and the obstacles I must overcome as I try not to retrace his footsteps. Being so passive,as was he, I'm going to have to approach the situation on a whole different level, and I've known that. Every outlash would be a strike at myself.. I felt that way with Maria,too. Walking on eggshells... When people are so fragile, we have no idea what little thing could cause them to break,even if it's not our fault they're made of porcelain. I don't want people to say they understand this,because they don't. I am always ambiguous for a reason;so people DON'T try to relate. I was hoping they'd realize I'm being so unspecific that they can't. This is the way I show my annoyance. This is how I understand why he eventually stopped talking.. People are so selfish. They pretend to care about what you have to say only if it benefits them.. and so many people want me to listen, to tell them "It's okay, you're not the bad guy.. It will be okay,don't worry about it. I'll be your martyr." and I do. I am. But if came the day they no longer needed me, I would be disposed of, and I'm well aware of this. This is why they don't truly care what I have to say. They are only so much the victims as they are the criminals. I need space! I can't be expected to give up all my health and sanity to other people just because it would be most comfortable them.. I need to stop catering to their every whimper. My problem is I feel responsible if other people say I hurt them.. and another flashback reminds me of how he had been.

"It's not my fault you were hurt because I stepped on your foot."

..but to WHAT EXTENT do I cause people pain,or is it only in their perspective? To what point do action and intention balance out? JHEAOJHGPJRETGPWAJRHBPSEWARHB{JES{RgkoEAHRBEKDf[HGJEA{rkgh[JGRH{FhRP{KHEA{

ationalize what's happening at times like these. Less willing to analyze,maybe. I'm the same person,I'm just so tired :(

when my energy level changes. What a fool I would be to think I'm better or worse off than anybody else.. As opposed to realizing I'm just less able to r

sis to hold onto what should matter,like life. I guess others still find value in my optimism,so I'm not completely useless yet,even if I am a hypocrite

ight now,but I don't want to appear so weak. I've been having thoughts of suicide/self-harm for weeks,nonstop.. I'm just doing my best on a day-to-day ba

t year,anyway..

..I'm too scatter-minded right now. I find it hard to listen to my innervoice. It keeps telling me how scarey life seems to be for me r

hey found out it was something really bad. I wouldn't really care that much,either.. I've been trying to live to the best of my ability everyday this pas

lso looked up to her,and that's something I can't say I do to most people.. We were on the verge of discovering something important,then I woke up. Dang

:/

..I have a couple tests/operations upcoming this month to hopefully discover the reason for my health's decline.. I really wouldn't be surprised if t

bos,and watched passing cars,staring up into the remarkably starry sky and contemplating existence.. This girl was amazing..
..I slightly envied her. I a

ediately. She had extremely mellow outlook about life and we snuck out of my window,into the night. We ended lying on the grass with some other people/ho

I mean by that,but a hug would be the best thing ever ~_~

I had a dream last night of a girl I had never met before.. We were best friends almost imm

I kinda need a hug or something right now;partially because I'm freezing to death,partially because it would feel sooooo right. I can't even explain what