And so I responded...

...after she had told me this:

I have to do a certain amount of work per day or else I go to bed thinking I'm unlovable, lazy, useless, and if I do something wrong, then I think I'm unworthy of affection, and if I'm in that kind of mood (at least once daily) then I can't see any good qualities at all

Jacqueline Guerrero
For better or for worse, I intend to be there for you throughout your hardships and triumphs. The dynamic qualities of a friendship are spawned through together overcoming the good and the bad, and such is the case that trust builds. My caring for you is a lot, regardless of what you think I should feel... regardless of how you perceive your own level of self-worth. I see you and I know it's scary. I feel when are suffering often; there's a link there that is inexplicable, but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Our friendship has given my life meaning.

If I hadn't met you... I don't know where I'd be or if I'd be, and I don't mean that in a hyperbolic fashion. I know you feel my pain too, frequently (regardless of your self-doubt, I see it reflected in your eyes), and that mutually scares the shit out of me, but I know... with absolute certainty that because I know you, I can never be alone in this place again. Though I have an aversion towards my personal feelings, you have saved that dying aspect. It wasn't completely single-sided... it took faith on my parent, however, without you it wouldn't have happened. Without either of us being who we are, it wouldn't have happened, regardless of your intended bridging shenanigans Escapism doesn't work that way

Maybe it does seem overly effusive on my part, maybe it's scary. We certainly both have trauma, though the perception may be to certain extents... there is a connection. A connection I had no control over... led me into the life of a very valuable friend whose companionship, regardless of how selfish saying his may be, I would not trade for anything. My faith in you allows me to counter my thoughts and push through the fear, despite being frozen. You've brought me to life in the respect that the part of me I had essentially killed is now... a part of me again. Your fears and doubts regarding misinterpretation are like my own. You may know what I need, despite me denying it, but I also know what you need, despite denying it, and... saying these things is what I do for myself, too. It's not out of any form of necessity, but it makes me feel happy to force once in my life feel I am able to safely convey them without judgement.

I know you get depressed like I do. My energy level goes to shit as well, but I also know that despite being an introvert, even if nothing is said, sometimes (despite denying it as much as externally and consciously possible) having a friend by your side, someone who takes you as you are, accepts you, and still loves you, is a blessing. Even it could be considered life-saving/changing. You do not have to be here for me all of the time, but what I sincerely hope is that you do not hide for my sake... hide your smile, your sadness, your pain, or things of that nature. I have some other abilities I haven't shared with you, but it kind of makes it impossible.

You have helped me resolve some of my underlying shame issues, and goddammit, I'm going to be here to help you resolve some of mind. Even if it seems I am talking to the wall, unless you downright tell me my caring is not something in any way beneficial, I'm going to be relentless, not for your sake, but for my own. Finally I am able to be authentically myself... in all of my emotional and mushy glory  And you know what? With you, I enjoy every moment of it. I will assume, until you tell me, that my words are not in vain, even if you aren't reciprocating, and I take no tabs, because in my mind, heart, spirit, you owe me absolutely nothing, while I owe you absolutely nothing. The only reason I do this is out of love. It's not normal, not what was natural, but what is normal and natural may not always be best for a person. Once my heart is set like this, all else be damned. I'm a stubborn son-of-a-bitch

I love you now, and if at any point I truly love somebody, I will love them always. Not everybody can make it that far into my heart but I know, even if you don't trust yourself, I have absolute faith you'll be doing your best as you know it at all time, not with the intention of hurting me.
Perhaps for the first time, hiding physically does not hide your pain from someone you're not in close proximity... so if you need help, I ask you that, even if you do fear, please do not succumb if you can so help it.

I'll never forget having specifically been somebody's reason to smile, so even through the tough times, that bit of you will remain. I will work on being more honest, myself... truly honest. God knows we both have a long way to go, but we will overcome this, I swear.
Even if you didn't acknowledge this message at all, it changes nothing.  Even if you're too tired to respond or reciprocate in this particular form, please trust me when I say that karma is taking care of itself....

These happy memories are permanently replacing the bad ones. This is the difference that people see. no longer am I the girl you initially knew. Now I am very much more alive and in touch with myself. And it brings them joy and hope too
~~~~

I meant it then, I mean it now, I will always mean it.
God, give me the strength to make it through so I can be sure to make it true...

damn me if I don't.

Forgetting with reason

.I get it now. when something happens like the first thing that set off my initial ptsd, it become connected. that's why I keep disconnecting. because there have been so many events attached and compounded from the original wound, whatever that was, my mind blocks out anything I experience that triggers a memory of it, but because so many things happen, even trying to remember why I keep forgetting triggers more forgetting, and my mind keeps making subconscious connections that are compounding how much I compartmentalize and can't access... coping mechanism out of control.

Life of the Insane; Into My Head: Collective Wisdom

Life of the Insane; Into My Head: Collective Wisdom

Collective Wisdom

• Me: I made a story of my quotes: 
  
  There are a whole lot of delusions out there, and all of us are living in at least one of them.
  
  "There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarrely inexeplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." Douglas Adams
  
  One mark of a great educator is the ability to lead students out to new places where even the educator has never been.
  -Thomas Groome 
  
  "None of us can help the things life has done to us. They're done before you realize it, and once they're done they make you do other things until at last everything comes between you and what you'd like to be, and you have lost your true self forever."
  -Eugene O'Neill 
  
  "If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals." J K Rowling
  
  "Character is doing the right thing when nobody is looking." J. C. Watts
  
  "You put people on a pedestal sooner or later they're going to fall and your expectations fall with them."
  
  Joyous distrust is a sign of health. Everything absolute belongs to pathology.
  -Nietzsche 
  
  "The creative impulses of man are always at war with the possessive impulses."
  
  You can have anything you want if you are willing to give up the belief that you can't have it.
  -Robert Anthony
  
  All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible.
  -T.E. Lawrence
  
  To the degree we're not living our dreams, our comfort zone has more control of us than we have over ourselves.
  -Peter McWilliams
  
  "What you are aware of you are in control of; what you are not aware of is in control of you." 
  -Anthony de Mello
  
  The greatest of all faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none.
  -Thomas Carlyle 
  
  "As nightfall does not come all at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains seemingly unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we must all be aware of changes in the air, however slight, lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness" Justice William O. Douglas
  
  "The moment the slave resolves that he will no longer be a slave, his fetters fall. Freedom and slavery are mental states." Mahatma Gandhi
  
  "I shall not commit the fashionable stupidity of regarding everything I cannot explain as a fraud." Jung
  
  "To resist our tendencies to make right or true that which is merely familiar and wrong or false that which is only strange"
  
  "To resist our tendencies to make right or true that which is merely familiar and wrong or false that which is only strange"
  
  "A great nation is like a great man:
  When he makes a mistake, he realizes it.
  Having realized it, he admits it.
  Having admitted it, he corrects it.
  He considers those who point out his faults
  as his most benevolent teachers.
  He thinks of his enemy
  as the shadow that he himself casts."
  
  "This is a world you'll never understand...and you'll always fear what you never understand."
  
  When our actions do not, our fears make us traitors. - William Shakespeare (Macbeth)
  
  "When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him."
  -Thomas Szasz 
  
  "Rejection says we are unworthy and magnifies out basic shame to whatever degree we carry it. It turns us against ourselves, creating the deepest wounds of all."
  
  "The truth is, for something to be born, something must break."
  - Mia, .hack//

  10 minutes ago · Like
• 

  Me: "Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding." Khalil Gibran
  
  “Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” 
  ― Friedrich Nietzsche
  
  "If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us."
  - Hermann Hesse
  
  You've not encountered God unless you have been confronted by your sin. -Chad Brand
  
  "All creatures feel fear, especially the scary ones!"
  
  "Neither can I believe that the individual survives the death of his body, although feeble souls harbor such thoughts through fear or ridiculous egotism." -Einstein
  
  "Leave him, my friend. Tolerance for both the good and the bad is the way of the world. Even a fish cannot swim in waters that are too calm, understand?"
  
  In an argument the best weapon to hold is the tongue. -Don Alba
  
  The worst men often give the best advice.
  -P. J. Bailey 
  
  "Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering." - Miguel Ruiz
  
  "Love means to love that which is unloveable. Otherwise it is no virtue at all." G. K. Chesterton
  
  "More intelligent people know enough to know that they don't know everything, 
  but less intelligent people don't know enough to know how much they don't know."- John Garnham
  
  "Be patient toward everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves.. Do not search for the answers which could not be given to you now because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything... Live the questions now." Rainer Maria Rilke
  
  Confidence, like art, never comes from having all the answers; it comes from being open to all the questions.
  -Earl Gray Stevens
  
  "The true secret of giving advice is, after you have honestly given it, to be perfectly indifferent whether it is taken or not, and never persist in trying to set people right."
  -Logan Piersall Smith
  
  "You cannot teach a man anything, you can only help him learn it within himself." Galileo 
  
  "Therefore the Master remains
  serene in the midst of sorrow.
  Evil cannot enter his heart.
  Because he has given up helping,
  he is people's greatest help."
  
  "Happiness is being empowered by desires rather than attachment to them."
  
  "Knowledge never leads to answers - just more questions." -Bill Hynes
  
  "Any situation in which some individuals prevent others from engaging in the process of inquiry is one of violence. The means used are not important; to alienate human beings from their own decision-making is to change them into objects."
  -Paulo Friere
  
  " In religion, one knows through revelation. Ultimate truths are acquired through inspiration. They cannot be proved true and one is asked to believe them without proof. In philosophy, on the contrary, one is asked to "believe" nothing... Whether religion is an adequate substitute for philosophy depends on subjective factors, principally on the strength of a believer's faith. Philosophers are, perhaps naturally, inclined to see intense faith as willful blindness, or at least as unjustifiable avoidance of logical difficulty. Nietzche defined faith as 'not wanting to know what is true'..." - Western Philosophy, An introduction - by R. J. Hollingdale
  
  "We must accept life for what it actually is -- a challenge to our quality without which we should never know of what stuff we are made, or grow to our full stature." -Ida R. Wylie 
  
  Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.
  -Michael Jordan 
  
  Trials give you strength, sorrows give understanding and wisdom. -Chuck T. Falcon
  
  "Experience is the toughest teacher because she gives the test first, and then the lesson." Unknown
  
  I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward. - Thomas A. Edison
  
  "You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call failure is not the falling down, but the staying down."
  — Mary Pickford
  
  It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.
  -Seneca 
  
  "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." T. Roosevelt
  
  "Excellence is the result of caring more than others think is wise, risking more than others think is safe, dreaming more than others think is practical and expecting more than others think is possible." - Mac Anderson
  
  "Anxiety is doubting you will be able to succeed at something you haven't tried."
  
  Thomas Groome 
  Without love in the dream it will never come true.
  
  "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."
  — Martin Luther King

  5 minutes ago · Like
• 

  Me: "One cannot get through life without pain... What we can do is choose how to use the pain life presents to us."
  
  This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.
  -George Bernard Shaw 
  
  "People are strongest when they've just lost everything."
  
  Just remember--when you think all is lost, the future remains.
  -Robert Goddard 
  
  "Since everything is but an apparition, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter." 
  Longchenpa
  
  We give advice by the bucket, but take it by the grain.
  -William Alger 
  
  “We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.” 
  - Anais Nin
  
  "The only thing constant is change." - Heraclitus
  
  Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.
  -Anais Nin 
  
  "If you realize that all things change,
  there is nothing you will try to hold on to.
  If you aren't afraid of dying,
  there is nothing you can't achieve."
  
  63
  
  "Act without doing;
  work without effort.
  Think of the small as large
  and the few as many.
  Confront the difficult
  while it is still easy;
  accomplish the great task
  by a series of small acts.
  
  The Master never reaches for the great;
  thus she achieves greatness.
  When she runs into a difficulty,
  she stops and gives herself to it.
  She doesn't cling to her own comfort;
  thus problems are no problem for her."
  
  Only the wisest and the stupidest of men never change.
  -Confucius 
  
  64
  
  "Therefore the Master takes action
  by letting things take their course.
  He remains as calm
  at the end as at the beginning.
  He has nothing,
  thus has nothing to lose.
  What he desires is non-desire;
  what he learns is to unlearn.
  He simply reminds people
  of who they have always been.
  
  "Nobody made you who you are; it was already there."
  -T.E. Lawrence 
  
  "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  
  "If you want total control, you have to relinquish it completely."
  
  The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere.
  -Anne Morrow Lindberg
  
  Talk about your failures without apologizing. - Brene Brown
  
  “No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride...and if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well...maybe chalk it off to forced conscious expansion: Tune in, freak out, get beaten.” 
  
  "Pain's just nature's way of saying, 'Hey, you're alive!.'"
  
  "Don't be sorry, just improve."
  
  "A photograph is a secret about a secret. The more it tells you, the less you know."
  
  "I'm a speck and what I know is an even littler speck." 
  
  The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.-Robert Benchley
  
  "Since everything is but an apparition, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter." 
  Longchenpa
  
  "One horse-laugh is worth ten thousand syllogisms. It is not only more effective; it is also vastly more intelligent."
  
  "Brave men tell the truth; the wiseman's tools are analogies and puzzles."
  -Royksopp, Remind M
  
  "Let her find what she seeks, and have what she desires. And this is the hardest that must be prayed, but he humbles himself."
  
  κύριε ελέησον
  hosanna in exelsis
  χριστέ ελέησον
  
  κύριε ελέησον
  hosanna in exelsis
  χριστέ ελέησον
  
  κύριε ελέησον
  hosanna in exelsis
  χριστέ ελέησον
  
  κύριε ελέησον
  αμήν
  
  χριστέ ελέησον
  αμήν
  
  "Please it doesn't grieve.
  Even if the world doesn't permit you, I permit you.
  Please it doesn't grieve.
  Even if you do not permit the world, I permit you.
  Therefore, please teach.
  When you do very, could you permit me?"
  
  EGO diligo , tamen vos permissum is in eventus. EGO futurus , per eventus is est licitus.

A friend in pain : co-morbidity

6:29am

if you let me

I'll stay with you, too

in your heart as well

I had a dream about Kenny being alive, trying to convince him not to kill himself, I wake up only to start think about suicide, I decide to listen to music, listen to song about suicide, look up 30 day song list, put your favorite blues song? "Is Elliott Smith's music considered blues? Oh well, I know 'Gloomy Sunday' is..." /Googles to be sure, oh wow. They banned this song all the way until 2002 in the BBC? I mean, yeah, it's the Hungarian suicide song, but still. "Vége a világnak" Thoughts of suicide plague me...suicide everywhere in my mind and these songs. This is an urban legend for I have listened to this song and not died many, despite having initially heard it years ago, and so I went on to describe to my friend what I had known then, too. I kept to myself the thought that perhaps the reason I am not superstitious is the byproduct of my blatant lack of self-value, as much as that transitions with the way I choose to frame my mind to adapt in order to bring about a given change. > There is a recurring urban legend that claims that many people committed suicide with this song playing.[3] But as I said: It's nice today outside, it's a pleasant kind of warm The sun may burn; it stings my eyes and blinds me, but the warmth is pleasant But I'm not going to let myself kill myself The part of me that loves, it's the part that fights the delusion and thoughts, That's the ray of light; I can't quite cling to it, but through suffering I can try my best not to lose sight of it As my vision obscures with everything left in me, and instead I cling to hope, The faith that it will bring me back in time, that there is a way out from that place, that I can surpass it. And have I absolute faith, that despite the darkness, there is something more. So long as I live, it's that which compels me forward, because it is not natural to move through pain, but because of love, there is motion. Because of motion, there is difference. Because of difference, there is potential, and because of potential, there is possibility. Possibility permits choice. So I choose to love... Though I do not control what I will experience, so long as any part of me exists, I can choose how I react. I may be a candle in a maelstrom, but my flame is a persistent motherfucker. Maybe like the sun, I can provide warmth, but unlike the sun, I can resolve the blinding, stinging sensations. This is my resolve. I hope to be that warmth, to comfort my friend in pain. She doesn't need to say it, because I know she wouldn't dare admit it. In times of such pain, I know she tries to shut people out, I know she tries to isolate, and most of all do I know what such isolation would entail at times such as mourning and loss. So long as I can help it, she will not be alone through that; not like I always have been.