Ash-coated forehead contrasting a pale illuminance

Today was Ash Wednesday, a significant day in the Christian perspective. In all honesty, I'm and not an actively religious person; yet today was an exception as I entered the church as admired the stained glass' resplendency as the light filtered through and showered the pews. I couldn't help but be struck in a state of awe at the scene and the aura surrounding the place. It was captivating and absolutely beautiful. Despite the fact I'm not very religious, I felt inclined to pay more effortful attention to the lesson wanting to be taught to me. I was curious just what all these people were buying into that made christianity so believable, though I had some theories. The teaching for the day was not to make a big scene about religious obligations or duties such as praying, and I THINK they were trying to encourage altruism, but they were going about it all wrong.. The preacher would say things such as,"Do not scream your prayers at a corner, but instead pray alone in your room. God will reward you for those acts in which only he is aware." Reward..? Bad. Wrong. This is why I don't agree with these religions. The idea of acting a certain way for a reward (heaven) completely conflicts my beliefs. In my opinion, people should act on what they KNOW to be right in their hearts and not because of some outer reinforcement. There shouldn't have to be an award for that besides the feeling. If people are going to pray, I agree with how they said about doing it in a secluded area though. Why make a scene? If there is a god, the communication should be directed torwards him alone in my opinion. Otherwise it just seems like everybody is trying to earn the praise of observers instead of trying to make a genuinely heartfelt connection >.> Well.. secretly I pray alone.. If there's a god out there... I want him to know I'm thankful. If things hadn't happened in my life exactly as they did then I am certain I would not be the same person. This may seem strange, but more than anything I thank him for the pain and difficult times. It's those parts of my life that have had the most influence on me, and it was those events that educated me and let me piece together all I know today. So from time to time, even if I'm not 100% certain God exists, I project my heart into the air. I would let the world know I appreciate life. But this all leads me to wonder..
How is god? If he's everywhere, then doesn't that mean he knows our intentions? If he hears our prayers directed torwards him from our thoughts, he must know why we do the things we do as well. I sometimes do things that contradict both society's and Biblical standards, but it's always with purpose. I do what I know I need to, and usually what feels right in my heart. And I wonder what would happen if somebody accidentally murdered someone. Would they be condemned to hell? Should a relative of the deceased be given the choice, they would more than likely give them damnation. Just the same as people would give the death sentence :\ But.. if God knows it wasn't at all premeditated.. shouldn't he forgive? Well, pressuming the person who commited the crime asks for forgiveness and recognizes that they did something wrong. But hey, even if they didn't, is it really THEIR fault? Maybe it just indicates they have a different perspective or are ignorant. Maybe they just haven't reached a given developemental stage, or maybe they didn't possess the ability to feel remorse. If there's a reason for everything, why would anybody be sent to hell? If everybody becomes who they are through what they experience then I think that it pertains more to fate. But that's a pretty scary concept to juggle.. because would that mean I have no control of my life? Does that mean I'm not unique? Is the act of making choices and image of "self" all an illusion? I believe everybody is given choices, but the problem is we have no idea where those choices are necessarily going to lead. But then again, some people take risks knowing possible consequences may result. Still, nobody expects consequences to occur necessarily. >.<; What a mental trap! Well, I'll continue to believe nobody is really right or wrong.. But I won't deny that stubbornly ignorant people who refuse to see any other point of view annoy me. And this is why there will always be war. Some people absolutely refuse to change, and sometimes those people clash in ideals. I really hope those people hurry up and kill each other ;D >.> lol. Okay, that was kinda cruel but I'm just so sick of arguing. Does it really matter? But I loathe even more the people who try to force their opinion on others.. gawd. They must be so.. I don't even know. I shouldn't really say anything since I hold a pretty strong conviction on what should be right and wrong myself. I may as well just tell myself "Let it go and be the more mature person." But on the contrary, I doubt I'm very mature. I just try to act it..

I'm really in a bind. I've been reconsidering just how I should react to certain things and my ideas on what is true. Maybe I tried to mature too quickly? Or maybe I'm just doubting that I'm strong enough to stand by what values I represent through my actions. Hmm.. I'll just keep trying my hardest I suppose. Anyways, yay for rambling~!

Hidden Feelings..(2/2/09)

Honestly, I keep having thoughts of suicide and acting on impulses that I know would not be good for my health. I've had reccurent thoughts for awhile, but a lot less frequently than they use to occur. Who can I talk to about this? I can't talk to my friends about it.. Not my parents or really anyone. Should I just write about those thoughts and try to keep it to myself? I don't see many options. This kinda of depression is different, if it can be considered depression. In comparison to my previous form of depression, with this kind, I always feel on edge. I feel like I could fall over in any moment and shatter completely; permanently. I will overcome this somehow. I refuse to just give up.. I've come too far. I have too much potential. I can't let things bring me down to the floor and past.I just gotta keep treading.. forever..? I imagine that during times like this, people are far more likely to kill themselves; after a implied recovery. I wish the relapse rate for Bipolar people wasn't so damn high. But I HAVE to stick around. I can do so much good. So it hurts. So it sucks. So I have no energy. So what? I've been through worse. I can handle the thoughts now, no matter how unrelenting they may be. I won't just tuck tale and flee from my problems.
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I should really stop taking additional meds to help me sleep. It fucks with my breathing and heartbeat pretty badly. I swear, if I keep this up I'm going to kill myself eventually. I need to stop.Yeah, I will. I need to. Do I have a problem and I'm just in denail? Well, I'll stop intentionally and see if I relapse or not. Holy shit, my veins are huge. My lungs feel heavy. ..POSSIBLE CONGESTIVE HEART FAILURE?! FUCK. I need to stop today. Get the hell off those meds and stay off.



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Damn, I honestly am stressed about the possibility of having cancer. If I do have it, I know I deserve it though. It's my fault for not valuing my life more... This was the one place I could be honest.. without fear of criticism. I didn't have to lie to myself here, but can I even do that anymore? I can't help but wonder if it will have all amounted to nothing in the end. All this pain, this struggling, and pushing.. it can't have all been for nothing! Right in this moment I hate being human. Frail and vulnerable.. susceptable to death;any sudden seizure of a flaming spirit as it is choked in darkness. I remember before what it felt like when I was certain I would never wake up again. So many times I could have died indeed. Am I sitting here wasting my life? Will anyone miss me when it is eventually my time to part? I hope I will have impacted the world for the better. But I don't want to die.. I don't. Just the idea of this all ending at some point... no...

There's a hidden sensitivity within me. No one would expect it. Anything could happen in any second. I know that 10 seconds from now I could die. I will not assume that I won't....

I don't know why I feel like I'm about to die. I don't know D: My heart hurts because of my emotion..