Honestly, I keep having thoughts of suicide and acting on impulses that I know would not be good for my health. I've had reccurent thoughts for awhile, but a lot less frequently than they use to occur. Who can I talk to about this? I can't talk to my friends about it.. Not my parents or really anyone. Should I just write about those thoughts and try to keep it to myself? I don't see many options. This kinda of depression is different, if it can be considered depression. In comparison to my previous form of depression, with this kind, I always feel on edge. I feel like I could fall over in any moment and shatter completely; permanently. I will overcome this somehow. I refuse to just give up.. I've come too far. I have too much potential. I can't let things bring me down to the floor and past.I just gotta keep treading.. forever..? I imagine that during times like this, people are far more likely to kill themselves; after a implied recovery. I wish the relapse rate for Bipolar people wasn't so damn high. But I HAVE to stick around. I can do so much good. So it hurts. So it sucks. So I have no energy. So what? I've been through worse. I can handle the thoughts now, no matter how unrelenting they may be. I won't just tuck tale and flee from my problems.
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I should really stop taking additional meds to help me sleep. It fucks with my breathing and heartbeat pretty badly. I swear, if I keep this up I'm going to kill myself eventually. I need to stop.Yeah, I will. I need to. Do I have a problem and I'm just in denail? Well, I'll stop intentionally and see if I relapse or not. Holy shit, my veins are huge. My lungs feel heavy. ..POSSIBLE CONGESTIVE HEART FAILURE?! FUCK. I need to stop today. Get the hell off those meds and stay off.
~~~
Damn, I honestly am stressed about the possibility of having cancer. If I do have it, I know I deserve it though. It's my fault for not valuing my life more... This was the one place I could be honest.. without fear of criticism. I didn't have to lie to myself here, but can I even do that anymore? I can't help but wonder if it will have all amounted to nothing in the end. All this pain, this struggling, and pushing.. it can't have all been for nothing! Right in this moment I hate being human. Frail and vulnerable.. susceptable to death;any sudden seizure of a flaming spirit as it is choked in darkness. I remember before what it felt like when I was certain I would never wake up again. So many times I could have died indeed. Am I sitting here wasting my life? Will anyone miss me when it is eventually my time to part? I hope I will have impacted the world for the better. But I don't want to die.. I don't. Just the idea of this all ending at some point... no...
There's a hidden sensitivity within me. No one would expect it. Anything could happen in any second. I know that 10 seconds from now I could die. I will not assume that I won't....
I don't know why I feel like I'm about to die. I don't know D: My heart hurts because of my emotion..
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