How the heck do I write so much,anyways? I know I have many ideas constantly circulating in my mind,but how do I focus on one long enough to elaborate on it without forgetting the others? I've written over 55 pages in my journal,so that's completely disregarding however much writing I had texted to this blog of mine;yes I text it. I text almost all of it.. Muahahaha... But still,30 pages of writing in one night? That's pretty oo interesting... You figured how many hours that must have taken.. How many hours are in night for me to be finished writing at 7am the next morning and never hesitating for a moment to relax my arms.. I'll tell you right now,it was less than 8 hours. That's over 4 pages per hour,at the least.. Thinking about it makes my arm sore ~_~ I guess inspiration knows no limit. You wish you had my superpowers ;P ..I love mania/hypomania.. Hypomania=hyperproductivity

Omg,it's sooo annoying.Lately I've been having thoughts of self-injury again...
It's unnerving..

Last time I self-harmed,I think I was at band camp... I've been really good about it,too. I haven't hurt myself at all,in any self-destructive way since then (besides that one day at school..but..oh,well,whatever)..
I've been managing my suicidal thoughts really well,too.. But recently it's become increasingly difficuly to downright disregard them.. The more they whisper to me,the more influence they gain over my own perspective because it's so subtle. I don't want to die T~T I don't want to listen to that inner-voice,and I don't want it to get to the point where it drowns out my own....... I don't want to be at the place where I doubted that this voice I speak with now was ever mine,let alone real.

I fight World War 3,because once my consciousNess ceases to be,so will the world as I knew it. Even if I am a puppet,and following my moral judgement means I'm following some pre-scripted destiny, I don't want to give up my role. I still feel,even if it all seems shallow and superficial,utterly pointless,on some occasions. My perspective is all I ever knew and all I ever will know.

laimed geniuses have "mental problems"
..Walking in the gray between assumptions,psychosis,mania,and hypomania,we find more truths and we find more lies.

e.

Assumptions really are a necessary evil. They help us to an extent,then ultimately become our restraining variable.. Perhaps this is why so many acc

uld appear so. It would also appear we need to be less trusting in our beliefs and that we deserve to have our senses of pride broken downquite a bit mor

nt in which we saw through our own eyes and created a memory? Is our range of vision so thoroughly biased and limited by what our expectations are? It wo

ervations and objective glimpses of how we appear when looking in from the outside? Why do we seem so different when we see ourselves outside of the mome

ous awareness we may be, but when viewed by the rest of reality,we never could be),is what we define ourselves by.. So what's the point of striving for a

goal that wouldn't be possible unless we shut of the other part of reality;the reality that the world would give to us through outsiders' subjective obs

e not knowing what truth will exist in the next.. It's like a fear to be anything less than 100% correct all of the time(which in our own field of consci

eir disbelief through claiming to advocate true skepticism,but even a skeptic like me would realize that we can give meaning to the current moment despit

tion of your underlying pessimism and unwillingness to seek out meaning for the less fortunate occurences of our lives...? Maybe they'd try to justify th

and say they're non-believers.. Even if we may not be able to know for sure whether or not God exists,isn't claiming to be a non-believer a direct reflec

at they lose value and we undo whatever purpose we'd given to our lives... What a waste of energy.. Like when people talk about things like Santa or God

ation for the main attraction.
Holidays can be soothing to the soul,if not strictly out of habituation..

..we tend to overthink things to the point th

our way to christmas tree lane as my parents reflect upon their youth,citing a landmark gas station.. My sister is singing festively,and I sit in anticip

Yeah,it'll be fine. I was right to not be paranoia.. If something were to happen,it would have already.. We're taking detour after detour,trying to wind

Call it self-medication or whatever you'd like,but I took some more of my medication with the hope this car ride down christmas tree lane we're about to take would be a little less horrendous and lengthy.. The problem is.. I'm not sure how much I just took. It was kinda crushed up and outside of the pill container and it may have been alot more than a person should take unless they want to die of cardiac arrest. There's nothing left to do now but wait it out and see what happens,I guess. I'm not that worried. It's not like I'd die when I didn't intend to when I hadn't died all the times I did intend to xD if I do,lmfao. Put on my gravestone as a quote "this would have happened to me.. MLHBFed(my life has been fucked)" haha..

Oh my god..!

Josh's sister's fiancé got decapitated in a car accident(hit by a drunk driver) right next to his sister... This is the same guy whose father has terminal cancer and who claims to love me.... Who has also been suicidal at times,and believes he is bipolar.... Who I've been trying to help back onto their feet. My feelings are downright irrelevant if somebody else needs me to be there for them. That is all it comes down to. He needed me,and that was it.. That's what I'm here for.

tend to mark me off as being odd until they come to see things through my eyes. A perspective is something that can endure a lifetime's amount of changes

,and something we can carry with us as a momento.. It can become a part of who we are and affect every decision we make from then on..

t it's not as if my friendship has nothing to offer to those people who do stick by my side..
There are things to be learned in having known me.
People

I wouldn't be here today.. Though I have many friends today,it takes a special type of friend to stick by me throughout all my trials and tribulations,bu

,but we both helped each other as friends will in those times. I've had other friends who have helped me out along the way,too,and without them I'm sure

ter vacation.. Thank god I had Sam,then. It was one of the lowest points of my life. He was a good friend to me,and we both had our periods of depression

s one time in this state of mind,so I have to stay stronger.. I find it hard to trust myself when I've almost died because of things like this.. Last win

purpose from mah life. Honestly,I have reasons to feel like absolute crap,so I won't blame this on my bipolarness necessarily,but still.. All it takes i

to begin with? Yes,I'm an "it".. Everything is disintegrating.. Family..
~~~~~~~~~
I feel a little bit better now. Damn depression,stealin' all

thing really matters,not whether I go or whether I stay.. Ultimately,in the end it will have been the same.. And can a ghost apologize if it had no voice

or.. They thought they saw me,but it was an illusion,something that alluded to a greater theme;there's unspeakable flimsiness in reality's boundaries. No

I have now will be cast away into the sea of the lost. Nothing was ever there to begin with.. All these people.. I could never care for,never be there f

e.. One that I could end by will,the only thing that was ever real.. The only promise that can't be broken,that all things will cease to be,and this pain

... So dead. I am so a ghost that none of my actions are real now,none of them ever existed. No one was ever there to care,it was simply a grand nightmar

Halp D; Ode to Pain

The endd. The fucking end of everything. I want this to end <\3 obsessions won't stop running through my head and I am sooooo alone

Shit happens.. yeah,it happened to me.

There are so many things I know I need to write about here, otherwise I'm going to freakin' explode.

First of all, my dad is still her and we all live in the same house for the sake of preserving argumentativeness.. I hate the fighting. I hate it! I don't want to be pinned into having to choose sides. I don't even think I..
Well. There are too many things going on involving too many people, friend and family alike. I want to save the world;I always have wanted to save the world, but I'm starting to think that perhaps it is truly too far beyond me.. And I'm coming to find that my body doesn't appreciate the ways I had push it past its limit before, so it has the choice to retaliate. I feel bad. Sick. And upon reflecting these past monthes.. since that last,rather unfortunate,occurence.. It's all been downhill in every aspect except maybe mood. Mentally, I'm getting worse, but not moodwise.. I mean my cognitive ability is disintegrating..memory,speech,communicating ability,and all. My body fails me. I'm so sick of the different tests and different symptoms and sleepless nights of anxiety and pain, but this is about more than me. I suppose that's the thought that keeps me going, you see..

Just because there are things that have been happening in my life that strike me as chaotic does not mean the world stops and that people suddenly don't need me to be there for them. But about friends..

Apparently I did something to anger a friend of mine, and it's prolly something that has taken place through the course of time but resided outside my field of awareness.. I still feel obligated to take the blame. Why DO I feel that way? My other friend was right to point that out... and to criticise me for it. It's something that needs to be changed.. gruuu

my stomach x.x It's not that I feel naseau, but something isn't right. I don't know what's been wrong with me, but it feels so bad.. it can't be right. It's not like it's just depression,either.. my whole body feels more foreign and awkward because of the aches and spazzing, like I'm the next candidate for spontaneous human combustion. Gloria.. and her friend..

What am I going to do with her? Her friend is in an extremely abusive situation and obviously unstable mentally,likely because of that same situation. Gloria seems to be going through alot of things herself..

It appears that helping other people with their own problems is the only way I can get through mine. 5 monthes is probably the longest I've gone in 2 years... with the present state of things,this next month very well may be the hardest of my life.

Heart-numbingly..

My family.. ...... .......................
That's all I feel, all I can think.
My mom confronted my father today about a text message she read on his phone from his "girlfriend"..
You see, the thing about that is he is MARRIED >_> It's not the first time, and at least this time I didn't have to be the secret keeper.. That burden was overpowering to me before.. It lead me towards self-loathing that fostered self-injury.. but I can't feel anything,now. Not even pain. If I'm not dead, I may as well be.. I'd more readily hurt myself to feel;to remind myself that I CAN feel, and that's I'm not just some sociopath who never really had any true emotions.. I'll be so afraid that I'm completely fake and that I'm really an evil,evil person who everybody hates and talks about behind their back. But I haven't hurt myself.. not like I would have if it was this time last year. I should be hurt or upset or something... not just completely flat and apathetic. This is so screwed up......! Emotions are the main thing I live for and through.. If I have none, that's the worst possible hell for me. I joke not. *sigh* What am I going to do?

What a way to kick off my vacation...

I wish I didn't have such pride issues.. And I wish depression wouldn't prey upon my tendecies to try to view a situation objectively and complete distort my perception to the point that every interpretation of a persons behavior has an extremely obvious paranoid tinge. It's not true that everybody is fake and it's not true that I'm fake and nor was the love that I felt for people and things in my life. I had such horrible nightmares last night that I think involved suicide and possibly witnessing a homicide. Meh. I need to start taking control over my life,otherwise I'm going to completely fall apart.

I'm truly sorry because of the way it seems you had become my crutch.. If I ever could clearly convey to you the person I am today,I would.. But if you don't want to hear it,the truth will remain silent in me,yet spoken through my actions you may see. I still feel like my world's falling apart sometimes, but I was wrong back then to put the responsibility,the burden of a life,on your shoulders. It's something that I realize could only be reflected upon since I've grown older.. I'm not that girl who was so insecure anymore and I know these problems are mine.. I also learned that I wasn't the only one to blame and of your mistake in putting me to shame,and I've learned the only power I have and single greatest course of action I could take a time like this is to forgive. I do and did forgive you,and this is the largest bit of truth. After you'd forgiven me I learned what it meant to love and forgive myself. Something in the air,almost like the lingering warning of an approaching storm,warned I should speak this into a sea of anonymous objectivity,these truths that sing from my heart so clearly.. And I guess we'll see what that will come to mean as the things always happen for a reason,I'm just unaware of what that reason may be.

Laughter and tears..

When people laugh at the idea of somebody who lost someone dear to them crying, I am hurt. We're all human, we all have people or things we have lost and life is a constant process of losing. I defended Mr. F when Bart mocked him for crying after somebody submitted a question as a cruel mockery(as he admitted during their conversation),"Have you ever lost somebody to alcoholism?" They knew, they KNEW he had and Mr. Fisher knew this. Did Barton not stop to think that perhaps he was crying because the students who plotted such a thing were disrespecting him, his friend, and flaunting their ignorance about how painful it can be to lose someone.. especially a friend. Was it out of spite or jealousy that they attacked him in this way, or were they completely "innocent" in their intent for a good laugh, or.. were they just plain malicious, wanting to make him cry. Each of these points, when reflected upon, are enough to tear open wounds, reawakening memories of days we've tried so hard not to relive.

I understand this, yet they don't want to. The only way they could learn.. is to be hurt on a personal level, and perhaps that would bring them out of their ego-centric behavior. People need to wake up and see life for what it is.. And they talk about Jesus.. do they even know what kind of things the Bible teaches or do they assume repentance comes on a whim. Do they lack a conscience because it was never given a foundation? How sheltered can people be and how arrogant is one to believe they are forever above that type of suffering? What can somebody do besides giving their life to open their eyes.. because I care about these people who cause each other so much more agony than would ever be necessary. I love these people despite the ways they can be so hateful and childish. I love these people because they are me and I am them and we will forever be connected by the fact of life;this universe in which we all reside, and I would give anything to,in the end, allow everything to turn out alright. If only they would let love not be unrequited from me, cast away their pride, look me in the eyes, and open their hearts. Maybe they're scared that this would be too hard, but I have faith in them despite their sins and I know life is a constant struggle to see its light. Inside of each of us is a different song and we're given a different path to walk along, and I guess we'll end in our own pace.. I just hope they'll one day stop thinking life's a race, because we will all inevitably reach that end, but until then, these people I'll continue to defend since I've moved past neutrality because it gives life no beauty to see. Beauty is all around us; there's no second when it doesn't surround us. We just need to learn to see it, know it, live it, and breathe it. When people learn to value this, only then will their lives finally have true purpose.

The ways I doubt how true my various perceptions are,like the ones infused with paranoia,apparently signified to Pat that what I have is,indeed,a chemically based imbalance.. She thinks I was smart enough to control it.. :( it should've beaten me by now,and the only reason it didn't was not my prudence,but my luck(of all things). That's quite a shame.
On another note,I recieved some strange voicemail with a love song and part of the lyrics that were shown said "only you can save me"..I wonder who it could be or what they want from me? A random prank call? Maybe. From a friend? It's possible. Someone who has a crush and also has my number? Who would that be? Not sure,really.. I'm not even sure how many people have my number... I guess I won't worry about it,because it's not like I can do anything without the person saying something. So tired...

Hum

Paranoia.. lately I've become increasingly paranoid about the people in my life.. Not that they're plotting against me, but that they all really dislike me.. like I have no real friends in the world. Something keeps reminding me about some of the body language cues I pick up from people that are negative and it's so hard for me to distinguish between what signs are real and which ones I'm only making real. Regardless, the way I do this to myself creates this sense of loneliness that may leave me feeling completely stranded on an island,but surrounded by a sea of people. What is real, what is true? Does everybody hate me? Does everybody talk about me behind my back,saying all the annoying aspects of my personality? When people aren't there or leave, is it because they don't want to be around me most of the time, or do they really just have to go? Is this me personalizing everything again with my stupid depressed cognitive distortions? There's nothing but this booming silence.. I have no idea what to think anymore. I know I've been alternating between depression and hypomania.. maybe even regular mania.. alot, lately. The reason I chose to abandon my mood stabilizer that I was recently perscribed for my insomnia is that it just wasn't working. If anything, it was fogging my conciousness up and covering up the problem so I wouldn't have to deal with it. I don't like running away. I have to confront the problem directly if I'm ever gonna beat this thing, I think. Meh, at times like this I think "And how many more years do I have til this stops?"
I don't like when I'm so negative. I am not a negative person, and I guess that's why this hurts me the most. Depression is a stupid chemical imbalance that truly goes beyond me, yet it makes it so I feel like it's my fault. "If only you were better.."
But it's not my fault D: I try my best.. What more can a person do?
"You could have done better, like when.."
But I'm not perfect..
"You're you, you should be. If you know what you consider perfect, shut up and don't complain."
You're mean,voice in my head..
"Stupid human. Like I care about your petty turmoil."
But I care about my petty turmoil..
"Ha! Like I care about you or what you think."
But you're me...
.....
..............................
~~~
..and so on and so-forth. This is the type of inner-dialogue that will occur with me sometimes and nobody would ever have any idea unless I mentioned I was feeling depressed, which I typically don't. Thank god I have a therapist's appointment tonight. Maybe she can help me feel a little less crappy through talking with her.. If I don't do something and my mood doesn't randomly change soon, I may start isolating myself because.. blarg.. I feel weird. What triggered this in me?
"People always leave you."
...................................I think I may just cry.
Oh.. when I was talking to Essa about what my anon paper was in Psych.. explaining to her why I don't tell people the whole truth about what I've been through,and then when Sara said that anybody who did that was stupid and there were no exceptions.. no understanding them.. well, I made that mistake. I am the one who deserves the heartbreak and to be condemned, I guess.. but to her it makes me subhuman. To her,this part of me is unacceptable and she is my friend.. this part of me is my past and it is something that cannot be changed. If I told everybody the truth about what things I've been through and done, would I be left with nobody? Will my mental illness leave me completely and utterly alone in the end? Is it my fault,and do I deserve it?

Her:"It still hurts me.. how nice you always are."
Him:"You're like a disease. Everyone you surround yourself with suffers."

Is.. is it true? If I cause people pain.. oh damn, herewegoagain..
If I cause people pain, why should I even bother living? Even if I cause them pain through my death, then the amount of pain I caused them through living would be substantially more in the long run and I would probably hurt so many more people and not even know because they're too polite to tell me, yet there I am leaving suffering in my wake. Here I am, not doing anything about it. Damn,damn,damn,damn,damn,damn, this same stupid trap that I've gotten into so many times before. Make it stop .T~T.

Thinking on thoughts;my purpose and where I come from

This website:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/04/levels-of-consciousness/

So I went down the list for the levels of consciousness on that same website,trying to list where I was at each point in my life and when I made the transition to the next level. What he said at the end sounded alot like fixation to me, but I may be mistaken..


Shame: I would look outside of myself for a definition of "right" and "wrong", and whatever I was told, I would believe. When I was younger, I was constantly ashamed of not meeting the standards others set for me because their feelings, I believes, "should be" equivalent to my own.

Guilt: Because of my percieved incompetence, I would feel as if I could never be good enough. I tried my hardest, yet shame was only one piece of the puzzle.. Guilt came too, because I was unable to meet those standards. My character and person, I thought, were at fault. "Why can't I be good enough?" The first answer without a thought was,"I am not good enough."

Apathy: This stage came much later. Because of my constant inability to be "good enough", I not able to afford anything other than apathy. This was an important point,though, because I was left to think alot about what I felt and I began to search for the reason behind those feelings. MY reason.

Grief: In middle school I began to compare my home life to other peoples' lives.. I was shocked to learn that not everybody was treated the same way. I started to think of myself as a victim. Because of this, I felt a hopelessness,and it seemed like it would never end..

Fear: I began to feel like I was posessed soon afterwards because I was so desperate for an explanation and everything seemed out of control. I also thought alot in terms of "all-or-nothing". There was nothing I believed I could do about my current situation besides continuing to let my life go to hell. I was so scared that everybody I met would either hurt me or and up being hurt by me and subsequently hurt me when I found out.. I met "him",and initially he seemed like he really,truly could help me.

Desire: After I got past the initial sense of helplessness, I realized I wanted control of my life. I wanted to stop feeling so depressed all of the time so I began to self-medicate. Finally, I began to realize that I had a little more control over my life, and that maybe I wasn't the one who cause people to act in certain ways.. And I fell hard.. I fell for "him", the same guy who I felt could be my hero. Little did I know things weren't fated to end up that way at all.

Anger: He hurt me, and he hurt me alot. He hurt me worse than even my parents had hurt me, and he made me hate myself more than anything.. For a long time I would not say anything because it got to the point where I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells.. yet I needed him, or so I thought. I "loved" him, and honestly.. I did love him. It was unrequited. He eventually said "I don't care if you killed yourself as long as you didn't hurt me or my friends." and after a year of taking verbal abuse like that..I was hurt to the point that I broke and said "I hate you!" I was at the point of no return, and I tried to apologize, but it was in vain. The damage was done, and eventually I realized that this was something that couldn't have been helped. He was verbally/emotionally abusive towards me and after breaking me to the point of being suicidal, I needed to move on one way or another. This friend would take advantage of me no longer, and I was NOT the only one at fault for what had happened.

PRIDE: I capitolized pride because that's basically what it was to me. I had pride, but I was scared of having to much of it and becoming blatantly ignorant in my own self-absorption,almost to the point of paranoia. I think it's healthy to worry about that type of thing to an extent, but I definitely tended to obsess. "Perfectionistic" is how this behavior was recently described to me by my therapist. There is a thin line between too much and too little pride, or so I had thought then. I learned here, however, that you have no right to smile in pride if you haven't given my all, but also that all you can do is your best. If other people don't accept your best, that's not your fault or your issue to worry about.

Courage: Courage was, for me, knowing that despite your best efforts, you may be put down and rediculed and trying anyways;it's something I realize not everybody can do. The risk may seem far to great to them, and they subsequently shelter themselves, creating a different kind of neurotic suffering to which they fuel their own pain. We can't always be the best,despite our best efforts,and we can try to disregard the fact the pain lies in the future, but when we experience that pain we would be left in more pain than ever before. In that case,we'd regress into a state of constant misery.. COurage is seeing this reality we reside in for what it is,completely; not just in black-or-white, ignoraing things we don't want to see.

Neutrality: Two years ago, I thought along the lines that "What is right or wrong is relative to each individual, while objectively 'right' or 'wrong' doesn't exist because there will always exist a contrary belief or opinion." This was,at that point, the highest level of understanding I could even begin to imagine. What could be more true than the idea that there is no truth? This last thought lead me to the next marker.

Willingness: Knowing that many things come down to an opinion, I was freed from the burden of trying to align my opinions precisely with those of others. I knew this whole time I had distinct opinions, but they were allowed to exist only while being "wrong" from anothers' perspective. I,therefore,acted based upon what I believed, not claiming it was right, but it was my opinion and nobody could make me believe it was completely wrong because of that. Not a single soul would have the power to force me to believe anything. I really started writing alot about the mind, psychology in general, and I start doing a billion things at once, but even moreso. I still needed to learn how to back off instead of forcing people to accept or biasing them unduly towards my opinion so that that they could make their own decisions,unlike somebody advocating totalitarianism.

Acceptance: I started reading all I could and helping people I didn't even know and I became sure about what I am meant to do with my life. I am meant to help people,and the best way to do that was through connecting with them directly and utilizing my ability to write to its fullest potential. I reprioritized.

Reason: Ergo Cogito, Sum. While I know I have gifts and can help many people who let me, I also know I can't save everybody and some matters are simply beyond my control. I realize one day I will die, and I'm okay with that. I live life to the best of my ability each and every day and if I died, people could read my writings and carry on where I had left off. Generally, I feel these pages represent me pretty well, thought I do think much more about life,people,love, and all of their complexities than I would probably ever convey. I have nearly died on different occasions and, comparing the immediately proceeding feelings to now,with my current outlook, there isn't much of a difference. I am not superhuman, but perhaps my thoughts-
the very same the whole of humanity may share from time to time- are.

Love<3: "At the level of love, you now place your head and all your other talents and abilities in service to your heart (not your emotions, but your greater sense of right and wrong — your conscience)." I do love everybody and everything, I do love those to whom my purpose is directed. I love myself and those ways I can help the other people I love. I can do so much.. when,in the thinking stage of reasoning,I met the end to what thoughts could do, emotions were still a large part of my life. I could know my purpose, but dedicating my heart to that purpose fully took it a step farther. In this way, I cannot lose. I can only try my best at all times.. It's amazing to see the world through your eyes when experiencing such a sense of love to everybody, everything, the way it is, in all of its impefection, because otherwise it would be the way it was in that moment to make you feel the way you do about it. It's there, and what more could you possibly be grateful for? The thought of this feeling is enough to lift your mood on its own accord if you've ever known it.. We are all connected in the very same ways I've described so many times on this blog. :) This connection, the way we live on through others' hearts and memories is something that can never be broken. Once you've felt this connection, you too will see what it is I mean.

Joy: Now something I don't understand is why joy and love cannot coexist when they are so similar.. The feeling of love and joy brings the connectedness that I only break with my own will, allowing myself to become depressed again so I do not forget what it was to see from that perspective. Understanding is what I intend to do, and I don't want to let myself forget. When you feel this way,though,life is the greatest thing ever and no matter what happens in to you or the people in it, it's all good. And you'd think these two feelings coupled together would be synonomous for peace as it couldn't be disrupted unless you willed it to, but idk. And as for englightment.. it's a concept I cannot grasp, but I feel so great all the time that I don't feel the need to,necessarily. I want to share it with people, but I know people have to learn lessons on their own, even if the most I could do is touch their lives and help them get a little bit closer to it. Even then, without my help.. people have their own beliefs. The most I can help them is if they're looking for answers and when those people come to me, as they tend to, I am open armed and open-eared for the sake of relieving them from their burdens. I certainly don't look down on them for whatever crimes they say they have committed, because mistakes are an essential part of learning.. and sometimes I can help people realize what mistakes they've made. Besides, I am only human,too. Humanity is amazing. I guess by giving them an idea which way to go, they can walk the paths themselves. As far as I'm concerned, I AM at peace. I don't need anyone else to tell me whether or not that's what they consider true :3


But what about forgiveness? Doesn't this person think that forgiveness is as important as the other things? Without it we fixate, and it disallows us to move on. That, I believe, is important.. Sometimes we can forgive others, but what they need is their own forgiveness. I know I've been there before, and I feel life gives me so much I will always owe it something. It's a debt I'm happy to pay off, and for that I am wealthier than most men could ever be.

All-encompassing Paradigm

This website:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/04/levels-of-consciousness/

I was considering the paradigm for the levels of conciousness and,being somebody who has long been eager to raise my level of awareness and state of consciousness, I reached the last 6 or so states on the list and I was left with a question:"For what reason must the benefits of these levels of conciousness remain seperate?"
I know I have experienced them simulatenous, yet my mind was not split or in any state of dissonance as you would imagine would occur based upon the implications of this article.. Hm.. Is there some sort of model that would allow these conditions to simultaneously co-exist, or at least understand with willed empathy the other states? The reason I become depressed, being bipolar, is because I allow myself to become depressed. I don't ever want to lose sight of that perspective because it would otherwise limit the extent to which I could understand others... And I know depressed isn't my natural state. My natural state is one of compassion,intuition,and empathy but it'll go beyond me,hence I write more thing than I ever dare to say;more thoughts than I would ever care to burden another with. For some,listening to some things aren't so much of a burden as a pleasure, but it's totally dependent on the person. I know that,too. Everything depends, but I guess models are for people who need definite answers..

Par amour..

People grow close to me,then we grow apart.. That's just how it seems to happen. Afterwards,I am left with the memory,but I still live in the present.. I hope so much this all meant something,because without that purpose,without the prospect of "ergo cogito,sum", I am nothing.. I do not think,I do not exist.. My consciousness becomes a mirage,and I am lost. When I've thought about these things in times of depression,I really,really became messed up in the ways I thought about life. We can choose what we want to believe,yet I am a seeker of truth.. I am constantly working to reform my perspective,the only thing guaranteed is change.. My therapist said this is why I may get have melancholic tendencies.. But at the same time,that's not all I am,and I won't let it define me. One day, I know I'll get there.
I need to do more for more people.. I waste so much time when that time is not mine to waste and this is a product of my selfishness.. But is selfishness bad? In selflessness do I lose myself?self less.. Hmm.. I follow my heart,still. It'll lead me the right way,I know. Sometimes the voice of the heart and mind sounds similar,however.. The trick is differentiating between them.. What is the distinguishing pattern? What,who,where,why,when is love? One and all,the beginning the end,the heart and the mind,a mediator,a moderator,a negotiator.

Not everybody would understand this, but..

It's a great thing to feel love.. True, unconditional love for the people in this world, seeing that inside each of them is a part of you,too. We are all connected to each other through this humanity and all the pain that,if we preserver through it, will bring us a greater light than we ever would have seen before, and this is the blessing of burdening sorrows.. Those who have known the greatest lows are the only ones who could know of the greatest highs.. No matter what life throws at me, and even if I died tomorrow, I will be grateful for these experiences.. I could die today, and the memories of the people I have met would be something I wouldn't mind being trapped in oblivion with. I loved them, and they proved the feeling was mutual.. This is all I ever truly wanted or needed. I don't fear the darkness.. I don't fear the unknown. Right here, right now.. my friends, I am at peace. This isn't a depressing thing, we just need to learn to appreciate the light in all darkness and the beauty in all chaos. This isn't even being unrealistic.. Being extreme is typically synonomous to being dellusional. Instead, I am being perceptive.. God, I love you guys.. God,I love you,too.
It's quite a miracle.. that we could love at all. Our minds seem so distinctly seperate from the reality that surrounds us,yet we coexist.. with these entities, with these being.. with these wonderous pieces of life and.. can you believe we are actually a part of it together, living in harmony with all the rest? It's like we're part of some grand mosaic and it's a gift.. it really is. We shouldn't take this blessing for granted, I truly,truly feel this way. That's why for every second of every day I have lived my life to the best of my ability as I felt it should be lived.. Not to say that's right or wrong, but when you follow your heart with such certainty, you can't be wrong.. what else really matters? I can the voice within my soul, I can hear the white noise of others' longing for meaning.. if you look hard enough,you can all find the answer that lies just beneathe the surface.. Please join me :D I could live forever here and we could share infinite cups of tea ^3^

You can join the fight for what's right!

No one talks to her,she feels so alone
she's in too much pain to survive on her own.
The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife;
she writes on her arm,wants to give up her life

each day she goes on is a day that she's brave
fighting the lie that giving up is the way
each moment of courage, her own life she saves;
when she throws the pills out,a hero is made.

One day I'm going to do some very important things. I know they'll involve helping alot of people, and I know they'll involve psychology and the medical field, but I'm not sure exactly what yet. I have a number of hypotheses involving neuropsych and psychophysics, transliminality and the reason for the increasing mass disposition for psychiatric disorders. People overlook the obvious genetic factor(think gene pool), even the social contributions(societies educational demands and what type of person would be most appropriately suited for their undertaking), but I knew this years ago. C'mon scientists.. break through with your studies and catch up to me already >_> and then I have a theory involving bipolar disorder.. that the seemingly untriggered symptoms may stem from emotional supression.. having something similar to the effects of sleep deprivation. Emotions also have a bank and we can go into debt when they're supressed, even at a young age, and it can take a long time to pay them off.. Waiting is the problem people tend to have. These days, everybody is looking for a quick fix, or at least a working cover up. Sweeping things like this under the carpet can be deadly, though... People need to be smarter. Srsly.

I've been too overbearing for the people close to me lately,or at least so I suspect. It's not their fault that I'm going through so much crap and,it's not their burden to bear as people,but.. "Friends"... What does that word even mean? Do I even have any? Maybe I don't trust people enough in order to.. Or maybe nobody could possibly care that much about me. I dunno. I'm still learning all the time.