What the fuck?!

I don't know what's up with my head today but I'm being a bitch with what I write. I wrote things that sounded so arrogant that I began to doubt my stability. I'll write things like the following paragraph and completely disregard(until I shift back) that I had really thought any other way. This type of mentality is pretty rare for me.. well, lately it's been more occasional, but generally speaking, it is not the prominent shard of my personality. It's rather shameful, and it leaves me feeling like crap after I realize the things I said, or the way I had become. Unfortunately, it's usually after the point, and it's not like I'm truly so apathetic that I would feel this way 100% but sometimes.. I don't know. I don't know why I become this way. I just know the dominant part of who I am is not this. It has gained control before though.. seized me, but now I have the power. I know this personality shift is all I lie. I DO feel. It's undenailable.. but maybe I don't then. Is this.. DID or something? A split? I just don't like it, but I can't deny it's a part of me....

Earlier today:

I just find guys soo amusing x3

My opinion has been this way since god-knows-when, but the way they act or react to any given situation is HILARIOUS. Not that I'm that different, besides being a girl. My gender identity is pretty evenly distributed between male and female characteristics, making me more tomboy-ish than most girls, I guess. But that's something I wouldn't ever consider changing;not for any person in this god forsaken world! With my actions, intelligence, and the fact that I'm a girl, most fall right into my power. I had explained that I look at life as a game, and I guess I kinda do. It makes me want to scream with laughter when I notice somebody is attracted to me... I don't know why exactly. So many people "like" me, but they don't even know me. Still, it makes me euphoric. I'll admit, I can be manipulative and sometimes play guys' emotions like chess. I can always act ways that I know will make them like me, and yeah, I may want them to like me..but I usually don't. I often don't even like them after they like me, but the fun is in the strategy. Relationships can be sooooo boring. I don't care too much for going out, or long akward silences. I care less for making-out for the sake of avoiding akwardness. Sexual desires. Everybody has them, but the difference between me and others is that I don't let them CONTROL me. I've become attracted to people, yeah, but I only act on it if I WANT to. After I'm in a relationship, of course.. And I guess it's really the only reason I take part in relationships now, anyways. I'm not really too attracted to anyone right now, but it's funny.. after I leave I relationship, I soon start to feel the desire to take part in a new one. I've been in 5 relationships so far. I've never been broken up with. Any emotional empathy I have torwards people I become attracted to has always faded as their quirks began to knaw away at my tolerance. Of course I don't let them know that, either. I'm horrible with communication. Alot of times I'll use some excuse to break up with them, so I don't come across as the complete bitch I am, or incase I ever decide I want to get with them again. It can be painful though. It has been.. I wish I could help them understand that sometimes I just DON'T want to be in a relationship. I really hate it when the attraction fades, and I become attracted to someone else while I'm still in the relationship. It makes me feel like crap. I guess it may always end up like that, no matter who I'm with... It's almost like the only people I become more attracted to are the ones who don't fall for me. The challenge of the game increases, or something along those lines. That must be it, right? It's just that much more fun, chasing what you can't have. You can never get hurt.. well, I take that back. You can at least know that they not just using you. In relationships.. all the relationships I've been in, there's only one I can say that for. Still.. I don't know about that guy.

"I want someone provocative and talkative, but it's so hard when you're as shallow as a shower."



He's shallow in another way. They're all so shallow >.> When will I actually find somebody who doesn't have ulterior motives? They all do. Physical, personal, whatever. I mean that he was using me for the sake of reaffirming his fragile self-esteem and ego. Fishing. Does he know? JP wanted me to break his heart.. Sorry hon, I don't work well in the way of direct aggression of ANY type. I'm more passive. So I said nothing. I just watch; keep to myself. He must think I buy into his little act. Now here's the thing:



..People assume I'M shallow, and that I don't realize all those little acts they put on, just because I don't grant that part of them recognition. They think I'm so oblivious that I can't tell when they're attracted, though I may just be ignoring it, or more than likely playing coy. I'm not THAT ignorant. Oh, I notice. I focus my attention, and take mental notes. And I work with what I know. Having studied psychology so extensively.. I know a bit. Power in the wrong hands? Perhaps. Knowledge is power, though it is a power dangerous to everyone; including those in the pursuit. I have learned that lesson personally. Does love exist? Yeah, I believe so. All I have to do is look around me. Friendships, those little acts of kindness that you know will not result in any personal gains, but you do them for the sake of others. I think that's a sort of love. Maybe it involves a little sacrafice, and NEVER involves ulterior motives, unless it replaces them. I don't really think it has too much to do with physical attraction, but that's just me. I do love. I love humanity, and I want nothing more than to relieve people of any inner war they may be fighting. Having learnt through experience, I do not want others to suffer as I did. I guess even in righteous acts, there is a little bit of selfishness. But hey, I could always have chosen to remain ignorant and act for my own need, alone. I'm pretty damn sure this insight would qualify as "evil", in the eyes of some others.. I don't care anymore what they think. I've accepted now that it's a part of who I am. I kept trying to fight a pointless war against myself, denying a part of who I was, trying my hardest to turn the way and ignore it. You can put on a mask and fool others, but when you lie in bed, in the dark, alone in your room.. you can't lie to yourself. You can try, and hell I did, but it will only result in negative consequences. I tried to cut that part away, minimize it's importance 'til it was out of my sight, but in denail it grows stronger. That part become more rash, and you lose more and more control. When coup d'etat of the soul occurs, it seems like you've lost yourself. But that's only because you were never found to begin with. Self-discovery.. self-actualization. To become a better person, you must acknowledge your flaws. I.. wonder if I will ever find.. the person who is right for me. Who I can genuinely fall for, and trust.. I guess I just have a hard time trusting people. Who won't just leave me after I finally allow myself to fall for them and open up, and truly cares. Damn, why am I thinking about this so much lately? People who are physically attracted to me.. well I can tell when they are, and I can't trust them. I can't trust their intentions. I can't trust myself.

I know it's my past. I have some deeply rooted mental scars, but can I ever learn to move past them? Or will I just stay like this. I've noticed that when I'm listening to music, reading, drawing, I become so absorbed in the activity that I temporarily lose myself.. Why is it that when I come out, I am seemingly a different person?

David: From an outsider's point of view, the negatives of being a
narcissist, the inability to have mature relationships and enjoy life, may sound
bad. But does the narcissist him/herself feel bad about that?
Dr. Vaknin: Recent research
shows that he does (he is ego-dystonic). He interprets away his dystony (=bad feelings), he
invents complex narratives and employs a myriad of defense mechanisms such as intellectualization
and rationalization. In short, he lies to himself and to others, projecting
"untouchability",
emotional immunity and invincibility. However, this is all a facade which cracks
when the narcissist is faced with a real life crisis, as I did.

I have been told I lie to myself, and I can believe it to a certain extent. But it's not conciously. It's only because I don't KNOW the truth, and I mistake what isn't true to be so.

David: Can the narcissist have a meaningful life?
Dr. Vaknin: Frequently Asked Question Number 1... LOL. The narcissist feels
that his life is meaningful as long as his self-deception holds. But when a
narcissistic injury occurs (following the loss of a major source of narcissistic
supply, for instance), the narcissist is faced with the void that is his life:
the empty, dark, all consuming black hole that is at the core of his emotional
apparatus. Life without emotions is artificial intelligence. No wonder the
narcissist compares himself constantly to computers and other automata.

Fucking.. I don't know. This is how I used to be. I used to think I had no emotions.. but when I accepted that I did, they hit me with such force that I nearly took my own life. I used to deny that there were any problems in my life.. In the back of my head, I knew things weren't okay. When things got so bad, I couldn't deny it any more. So I was left with a sudden release of previously supressed emotions. It resulted in me being diagnosed bi-polar, though I admit I revert back to that state occasionally. At times like this. I want the truth..

Dr. Vaknin: FAQ #58 is dedicated to that, and it is a long one. The
narcissist is a master of disguise. He is a charmer, a talented actor, a
magician and a director of both himself and his milieu. It is very difficult to
expose him as such in the first encounter. But here are a few
signs:
1)displays haughty behaviour
2)has a tendency to humiliate,
criticize and belittle others
3)has a tendency to exaggerate, small,
unnecessary lies
4)has a tendency to fantasize about unlimited success
5)brags incessantly, to ignore you, not to listen
6)has a tendency to
idealize you much beyond the call of courtship
7)makes promises which are
incommensurate either with the event, or with his ability to fulfill them
8)has haughty body language

HOLY.. so it's.. okay,
1) yeah, I'm a trumpet. I'm pretty pompous. I'm over-confident.
2)I don't purposely humiliate people unless they piss me off, but the criticize part.. uh, it's part of my responsibility as section leader. Though I use to do it anyway. Belittle? Only do I belittle people in my head. Secretly I think I am better, but I don't act like I think it.
3)I do exaggerate, but it's to.. make it... more..... interesting oO? Er, is exaggerating the same thing as going into intricate detail?
4) Um.. I think I can do anything if I set my mind to it? Is that wrong? -.-
5)Okay, yeah, I brag. Always have, since I was like 3. It's a bad habit. Tendency. Whatever. But I'm really open, and it's hard to keep my happiness about things to myself. :\ If I don't speak about my success, then it's only to make people more interested in asking me if they find out first hand. So I can shrug it off like it's no big deal, and put on the act that it wasn't, when it may have been very difficult for me, let alone anyone else.
6)Uh.. _______. Anybody.. I often will compliment them.. ALOT. More than they deserve. Say that they have alot of potential, they're really good, have improved, or whatever, but it's not sincere. I don't really think they're great, or better than me at all. It's more to falsely boost their self-esteem so that when I take them down, or they fall, they hurt more. In my head, I laugh and laugh and laugh, cause I know they suck. I know I'm so much better, and they probably won't reach the level I'm at in the time they know me. Yeah, I know that's not very nice; again, I don't really care. But sometimes I feel like I meant those things sincerely, and that's the strange part. When I say them, sometimes I am sincere in my intent to make them feel good about themself. I want them to be happy, even if I have to lie to them for it to happen.
7)I've made promises to teachers that I'll complete assignments that I know I'll never finish, set goals for myself that it's nearly impossible for me to technically accomplish, but it increases my motivation to improve. In the end, the goals help me reach farther than I would have naturally.
8)Body language, LOL! I act. I put on a performance with my body language, so anybody who happens to look my way will get a good impression. I try to look awesome. I wonder if it's something that other people constantly take into consideration..

campbet: When
dealing with a person with Narcissistic Personality
Disorder, what tactics
can
be used to make this person take
responsibility for their
actions?
Dr. Vaknin: The narcissist has
alloplastic
defenses.
What this means is that he tends to blame others,
inanimate objects
and
people, for his behaviour. "You made me do it" is
a common sentence or,
"What could I do? I couldn't help it under the
circumstances." He is
superstitious to some extent and paranoid ("The
world/luck is
against
me").
Again, the key is simple: the
narcissist is a
vending machine.
Input
the coins of narcissistic
supply and press the
right button
("responsibility").
Example: the
narcissist made a mistake.
You want him to
acknowledge his
responsibility. Make the mistake GRAND,
unprecedented,
unique,
amazing,
stunning, and the narcissist will
immediately "adopt" it.
Narcissistic supply
can be both negative or
positive. To write the
masterpiece of all time is the
exact emotional
equivalent of writing
the
flop of all time. To be a Hitler is
identical
to being Jesus.
The narcissist
has no moral or emotional preference
between these two.
He just wants to be
considered the unique-est.

Lmao it's so like me to want to be the MOST unique. I don't know if I'd go as far as becoming Hitler. No. I was actually almost gonna put "maybe", but really, nothing to that level of evil. I can acknowledge it was disgusting. Taking lifes.. I think I feel that way. Um.. I don't know what I feel right now besides disconnected. Before I had free written, mind flowing to word processing but......................................................................

I'm stuck in a rut. I don't like this post.. I don't know if I even want to post it, it's that bad. It's not who I usually am. I turn into this awful person sometimes, as this part of me comes forth. But it's not my full intention.. *sigh* But this doesn't mean anything. I also have a bad habit of looking up psychological ailments and somehow relating them to me. If I diagnosed myself, I would probably end up having every possible ailment at one point or another, if not all together; but I know it's not the case.

Huh, interesting day..

Uh, okay, so it was the first day back at school. For the first time in a while, I don't feel like people hate me. Maybe they think I'm a little weird, but that's fine.. I was waaaayy the hell to wound up today. Usually that's a nice feel, but today it wasn't very welcomed. Not like I necessarily did anything to make it that way, but I guess it must have been the adrenaline of returning to public, and the stress of auditions and readjusting to my days in school. Speaking of the audition; yeah, I still wasn't excited. This doesn't make me depressed does it? Lack of pleasure from activities that used to make me happy..? Frankly, I'm just.. bored. I wish I could experience a little more of a challenge. Should I start to focus my attentiveness to some other subject that, perhaps, may be my achilles heel? Well-rounded knowledge sounds like a good virtue to pursue. I'll sit on the idea for awhile. But I have many other upcoming events that I should consider. I imagine my teacher has me on her "AP recruitment" list, trying to convince me that AP is the way to go next year. In fact, I'm certain that she does, because she informed me of this around the beginning of last quarter. Do I want to? Not really. Why put myself through more stress? Sure, maybe I specialize at multi-tasking, but still.. What way is the best to achieve success? Looking over this essay at a glance, I realize I'm asking alot of questions in the air to be answered by no one. It must be a tendency of mine. So what should I do now? Study. Practice. School related crap. Yes, that's what I SHOULD do. Will I do it? Probably not. At least I finished my homework.. at least all of it that I'm aware of. Spanish.. I'm pretty behind in that class but I have no idea what needs to be done in order to catch up. I suppose I'll go in for the evening tutoring thing. It's not so much for a lack of knowledge for the spoken or written language as it is for the fact that I haven't done any homework since the first quarter. I don't even have a stupid folder. I wonder if she even noticed? Hey, I could always read my book; the latest to my collection of Ellen Hopkins books, "Identical". Or I could play Persona 4, which is what I think I will do. I promised somebody I'd return it by Wednesday, but I have no idea how close I am to finishing the game. I'll finish it though.. I know I will. Right now I just can't seem to get over the idea of how frictionless my day passed. No conflicts of sorts.. at least yet. Hm. Don't want to jinx myself now :\ I'm listening to this song called "Leave Out All The Rest"- by Linkin Park..
http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/l/linkin_park/leave_out_all_the_rest.html
The lyrics..

"I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared But no one would listen, 'cause no
one else cared After my dreaming, I woke with this fear What am I leaving when
I'm done here?So if you're asking me, I want you to knowWhen my time comes,
forget the wrong that I've done Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty Keep me in your memory, leave out
all the restLeave out all the rest, don't be afraid I've taken my beating, I've
shared what I made I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through I've never
been perfect, but neither have you"

Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well Pretending someone
else can come and save me from myself I can't be who you areWhen my time comes,
forget the wrong that I've done Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty Keep me in your memory, leave out
all the rest Leave out all the restForgetting all the hurt inside you've learned
to hide so well Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself I can't
be who you areI can't be who you are..

I'm.. really sad. Er, should I even admit that to myself? I know the risks..
Welp, time to go recluse in my brother's room. haha

Wow, I feel sick.

Hm.. I let that one guy know that he was forgiven, and it turns out he doesn't hate me either. And I wanted to add alot of people to an account on facebook that I was using as a pseudonym, so I added a bunch of my friends from school.. and of course, HE had to be the one to message me. I really didn't want to talk to him specifically, but he asked who I was. I didn't really want anyone to know who I really was, so I didn't tell him.. But I told him why. I made the account just in case it turns out I DO have cancer, or something. That way I'd have people to talk to about it who I know, but they wouldn't know it's me. But why him? Why..? So now I feel sick. I don't really want to talk to him. Actually, I don't think I will. Okay, I blocked him. I don't think I should talk to him. I'm not really supposed to anyway. God. I feel horrible. Just talking to him did that..

So I took a quiz for my personality

And it's scary how accurate it was. It's posted down at the bottom.. I mean, this is the essense of me. Virtually everything it says is true, though I guess I may not appear that way sometimes. But it's so true.. It even talks about a facade.. my mask. Those who know me personally.. may know what I mean by that exactly. It's more or less behind me now, but my biggest flaw is my inability to communicate :\ I've always had terrible problems with keeping my opinions about things or people bottled up until I act on the spur of the moment, leaving people completely clueless as to why I acted as I did. Like the way I break up with people.. if something irks me about my bf.. I keep it to myself. And the negative feeling grows and deepens, becoming more intense until.. I just end the relationship. I know it's not good.. It took me a while to realize this. Same with friend. If there is some aspect to their attitude or behavior that bother me, then I hold a hidden grudge.. and if I act negatively torwards them.. they'd have no idea why. Fail. And it has a toll on me too, 'cause sometimes I just try to deny that I'm upset and I end up feeling emotions like irritation for what would seem like no apparent reason. Or so I try to convince myself.. but really, there is a reason. I just denied it to myself. All it takes is one little pent up thought to ruin a relationship of mine <.> You have been warned.

Aww man..

Okay, I went to the Doctors', and now I have to recieve yet ANOTHER blood test =.= It seems these days I'm constantly getting checked for some thing or another. After the blood test, I also have to get an ultra-sound on my neck. I thought that the idea of an ultra-sound on my neck was a little weird, considering the main idea that comes to mind with the imagery of an ultra-sound is pregnancy, so then I got the mental picture of being pregnant from the neck.. ouch >.<>.< But I can't let myself worry about that with 4 upcoming auditions within the next two weeks. 1 World-wide audition, 2 State-Wide, 1 School. *sigh* No worries, right? RIGHT?! lmao

Anndddd~

I'm up again. I wonder when my pattern of insomnia will end.. What does it mean? Does it signify anything at all? Is this bliss not but momentary, and a sure sign of mental over-stimulation -.- God, I hope not. *sigh* So, why can't I sleep.. again? My dreams lately are so surreal and lately lead me back to.. someone. While I had crossed the path of many people in that realm recently.. still, that one person has appeared more often than the rest. He's not the person who I'd encountered a troubling adventure with, but he's still one I should dare not to think of. I thought I had let him go, but why? Whenever he's around.. I feel so happy. But I don't even know if I'll see him again :\ He has a girlfriend, I have a boyfriend. Even before he was with his girlfriend, I had always thought I was so far beneathe him that I never stood a chance, so I had temporarily cast away any hopes I had.. but still.. even then, he was in my dreams. He was always so kind and curtious, and he accepted me in all my weirdness. And he always seemed to be thinking.. but he'd tell me things that I knew were to be just between him and I. And I trusted him also. The relationship between us is complicated, to say the least. Nobody really knew the whole situation about my feelings for him and the stuff that I'd known.. and this is just another one of those circumstances where I can't possibly write every detail, or dare to explain it to anyone outside the situation.. it's just so personal. I'm still wondering if the dreams really mean anything, or if I should just try to forget. Do I even like him still? Really, who the hell DO I like?! >.<>

I really like blogging~

Unlike youtube or something, I am actually able to write as much as I want without a limit. I don't have to worry about it boring people because of the length, or anything like that. So I can just write on and on about any particular topic that interests me :) It's very convinient. I can rant in peace ;3 I should thank somebody for this skill.. after all, without them I wouldn't be able to write to myself for hours without needing another person to be actively talking with. Then again, maybe not, 'cause that was kinda cruel. I'm listening to the song "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World, and I really like it. Maybe it's not necessarily the actual music, but the lyrics. I sorta wish I had come across it in the way I did more recently awhile back. I never really took the time to listen closely to the words. I have a bad habit of writing songs off as cliche without putting to much attention into observing before I make a judgement. It used to be worse than it is now, but I'm still working on not making judgements too quickly about things.This song is really relaxing to me for some reason~
I love songs that make me feel like the emotion is being directed at me specifically, even if it is so general, it's obvious it isn't. I guess that's how many people feel, though.

My doctor's app. is tomorrow :\ I have mixed feelings in the anticipation.. that lump is still there x.x But I'll just continue ignoring it, and pretending it's not there :x lol
I can't wait til school starts again. I miss mah friends and such, and with a new start academically, I actually feel as if I want to succeed. So I'll put in some effort for a while, it's decided. There's not much left to distract me now.. I'm looking forward to graduating a bit.. I want to get away from this place and start over, make a new name for myself. Let people redefine me from what they see, not just see me as how they once knew me to be. I have changed.. If I could only get away, I could act how I truly am, and I wouldn't have to even consider the way it would effect things. It would be fun to move around and act different ways to see which best suits me, but I doubt it'll happen.

I'm kinda struggling with my heart right now.. I've been having dreams about all the people I had liked in the past. Two guys I know right now have told me they love me, and I don't know..

I found my first poem..

"With the Changing Seasons..."

As time passes, and Summer merges with
Fall
I can't help but feel that we're building a wall.
And with every passing phrase there is a new sense of akwardness...
So please my love, just listen to this:
Even though as time progresses we may eventually part
I want you to know you will always have my heart.

There it is.. oo Lol at the irony. I remember the first person I showed it to.. haha. I wonder what they would say to it now..? Of course I wrote countless poems following that one.. Was it one of the first times I was so inspired that I felt it necessary to leave it etched in graphite for my memory?

I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad~

So apparently my blog is advertised on now.. lol. I believe the site said that the advertisements relating to my blog would be posted at the top ..and for some reason the advertisement is for things like solar energy, "Kiva Microfinance"(www.grameenfoundation.org), which supposedly changes lives through donations.. huh.. I think that I, Myself, may check out the grameenfoundation.org stuff. It kinda caught my interest :3 So I guess they thought the purpose of my website was to change lives for the better... that certainly would be an amazing accomplisment :D As for solar energy.. I want to save those polar bears, dammit >:O Didn't you see the commercial? Those poor polar bears are running out of icebergs to sit on, and they gonna drown if you dun do somethin', son! Or run out of food. That commercial seriously made me half wanna.. meh. It mad me feel really bad. They were cute polar bears x.x Kinda reminded me of my cats, in a way. Tch, I know what you're thinking. Polar bears =/= cats. But they both have fluff, they both have ears and faces, and little noses :D And they're both cute x3 Let's save the god damn polar bears~! Er.. I guess it has alot to do with Global Warming. So that means... EVERYBODY STOP BREATHING!!11!!1!! (J/K) lmao. It's kinda silly how I'm the insensitive one when it comes to some topics, but on others.. bi-polar opposite. xD haha, bad joke o_<>
Huh. Just reading my own writing (er, typing in this case) style leads me to wonder just what it is about my approach that so many people at school find interesting. In this moment, I'm basically just typing what comes to mind.. I don't really think about what I write or type as I'm doing it, it's like a free flow from mind to print. I become so absorbed in whatever activity I'm completing that I kinda lose myself; doesn't matter too much what activity it is. Trumpet, reading, listening to lectures, watching T.V., playing video games, writing, art, testing.. anything, really. I'm curious if that's strange. Most people I ask reply that it isn't the same for them when they take part in an endeavor. But is it really so simple as "getting lost in what I'm doing", which is really how my mom described what I go through? It's almost like a dream.. and I'm watching things happening, but I'm not really there. I read a book and the picture plays out in front of me like a movie, and temporarily, I AM the character(s). All that remains in my realm of concious is the story taking place before my eyes. And the choices and emotions no longer are the characters. They become my own.. If I'm interrupted and snap back to reality, if something previously had made the character angry, I tend to become high irritated and I'm affected by different events in the plot. Same thing with games. I dive so deep into the plot that I don't even see the T.V. I see the game, and reality is temporarily forgotten. The person I truly am becomes momentarily forgotten... >.<>
Wow, time is passing by unbelievably slow. Earlier, the clock was moving at what seemed near light speed, or the like. It is at least partially my fatigue, I'm sure. Gawd, I feel as if I'mma drop. Maybe I should take my medicine to wake up a little. Haven't taken today's dose yet. It's 10:26.. Oh, I'm relieved my mother finally went to work. Spending this much time with family really was starting to become a pain in the ass <.> Yeah, sure, they're cool or w/e. They're my family, but.. movie, after movie.. show, after show... one minially scrutent task after another, you'd think I would have gotten a break. But nooo, my mom just had to take 2 weeks off, the weeks of OUR vacation. And we all knew that it was confirmation we would constantly be working our asses off with chores, or whatever she wanted us to do. I got called away from what I was doing so many times in the past 2 weeks, I wanted to punch somebody in the face >.> Or at least a hole or 20 through the wall. But I didn't. Of course I'M not the type to actually act on such fooling emotions D: pfft. haha. But really, I never did anything like that. Tbh, I never have and I never would. My parents are the ones who hit things when they're mad enough.. and my brother.. oh, especially my brother -.- Huh, my medicine's come down effect seems to be getting to me. Why am I complaining so much? oO

In any case, I'm home with my dad and siblings, and today should be more relaxing. Doctors' appointment tomorrow, unfortunately. A strange question just popped into my head oo.. if you cry, but you don't feel sad, does that make you depressed? Cause I feel like that may happen soon. It doesn't quite feel the same as depression or anything but.. it's like extremely borderline in a misleading way. I know I won't swing over to depression, but I may cry when I'm not truly sad.. bleh :x I'll prolly be perfectly okay in a while. Oh, hey.. just gotz teh email from A.E. Apparently he's readin mah posts right now.. should I leave them up? -.-; *sigh* Lol, well I don't know. Probably too late now. I tried to install aim today and didn't have much success x.x fail. Hey, I guess the email was enough to lift my spirits a bit, thanks!

I wonder if he's even gonna read that far, lol. I wrote a hell of alot just within the past day....
I bet the equivalent on paper, double-sided, would be at least 8.. so 16. At the least, I'm guessing. Why the hell am I writing this much again? It might have to do with not being on the computer for weeks. Damn, and these past two weeks have been so eventful in the sense of my actual life.. too eventful....... this is why I used to hate writing. I would have so much to say that I, firstly, wouldn't have the foggiest idea where the heck to start, and secondly, would have so much to write, in such detail, that it would take hours to get it all out of my system. Perfectionist me can be quite the hindrance at time. I feel like my spelling really sucks so far today, as well as last night. murr... God, there I just some things I would never have the time to chronicle.

I'm feeling rather inspired today..er..tonight..er..this morning. time flies oO

As you can see, I have posted several entries. I'm sitting here gaping in amazement at the final turnout for the semester's grading process. Surprisingly, I did much better than I had expected in a particular class where I had not expected to. Physics. I ended up receiving a "C"..which is astonishing considering I had enrolled in the class mid-semester, and rarely put any effort into my work. I'm flabbergasted. Given everything that has occurred this semester, I am VERY proud of myself. Everything else.. yeah, the grades were pretty much shown as I expected. Not horrible, but still yet to reflect the truth about what I gained from each subject. Personally, I feel as if my test scores are a better portal to view the summary of my progress. Everybody tells me that if I did my homework I could fail every test and receive a "C". But where's the fun in that? I'd rather test myself without having studied, just to see what I knew naturally. And then I could learn from there. Hm. Beginning the sentence with "and" is technically incorrect grammar, as I was informed by a fellow colleague.. When will they understand I truly don't give a damn? :X If I wanted to be criticized for my punctuality, I could take all my writing to my English teacher. Personally, I'd prefer not to.. she's kinda.. um.. overly friendly. Comes on kinda strong as a person, and those type of people scare me a little for some reason.. "..Monday morning!", someone just exclaimed. Why yes, I suppose it is Monday, nearly 3am on Monday morning to be exact. Most reasonable people would be sleeping, however, I am not a reasonable person. Well, okay, maybe I am a little occasionally.. but whatever. Regardless, I'm pulling an all-nighter. I really hadn't gotten the chance to write a free flow of my ideas, all due to my new found paranoia in relation to my mother and her persistence in invading my privacy. She stole a bunch of my personal writing.. in a way, my diary entries, despite the fact I informed her that they were such. All I have to say is that I'm awaiting the day I can escape my oppressive environment. Those close to me know exactly what I mean by those words. Turns out the problem involving my Father (from last years exploit) is still in longevity. Had it been an earlier point in my growth, it would have been a major hindrance in my progress, as it would have presumed chisling away at my faith and willpower. But, as I have matured past that point, it's something I am able to move past. In any case, it's not like I have a choice..

~~ Advise to someone dear to me, struggling to hold true to their idea of love~~

"Maybe it's because they see you as having new eyes, and a young soul, 'cause you haven't dated much, and they think you can't possibly know anything of what love is
but..
people who are older, or ignorant to something like this.. they don't realize that despite the fact we're younger, and we still have much to learn,what we know things to be will always be true in the moment.
hmm.. lemme think of an analogy here:
~~
A young child sees the world for the first time.
In that moment, that it was they know the world to be. Their first impression.. it can change over time, but whatever feeling they have because of that is all they know.
If it's joy, the most joy they've felt..
then an adult can't say, "you don't know true joy"
because it IS true joy, for that person..
I thought about this a long time ago.. but what do YOU think?"
~~
"Don't hesitate to form you're own idea about this.. that's what it's all about.
See things how you think they are..
You can take peoples' ideas into consideration, but it's best to take everything into perspective and form your own opinion. To me, the opinion I have formed is important because it is a direct reflection of what I have learned, who I am, and my most current call of judgement. It sets the mark for what I have personally experienced, as well as the distance I have thus far come as a person."

~~
"Another: ignorance is the worse crime one can do

Jacqui: yeah.. I don't know..
It's a lifestyle and preference.
I can understand why some may choose ignorance.. you know, the path to an accomplished understanding comes with sacrifice and peril,and some who continue learning find there's nothing more they wish to know, and ignorance.. well, it's not a true concept,
'cause as we live, we learn, regardless of our will to remain unknowledgable.
You just can't run from life unless you die.
Others just choose to learn more slowly
It prevents boredom, I guess..
I'm pretty sure that's why there's so many genius with mental issues.. did you know that?

Another: didn't know that

Jacqui : At least, that's my thought on the matter.
I dunno, because of my will to learn and question things, I stumbled across some road blocks of my own;like when you start questioning, "What's the point of all this",
and you ask, and look, and find nothing other than what you were always told.
And you still don't want to accept it, so you just get tired of waiting eventually.
Some people can't move past that..
and many people don't."
~~
Jacqui says:
well, I'm happy for living this moment.
I don't ever want to be so fixated on the future that I stare past all the opportunities given to me now
Another: and by the time we realize it, it'd be too late
Jacqui: Yes, but not even that..
even if it is a little farther into the future, if we don't live now and only discuss the future, the once the future arrives we'll be left with nothing to discuss because it will just be there, as the present.
It's just a "yup, here we are.", with nothing to show for it.
Now is the future, still. I believe we must live like it.
Know what I mean?
Another:yes, I do


~~

My idea of the meaning "Stuff and Nonsense"-By Missy Higgins

I think that it's about living in the now, pure, and in utter disregard to what may come. The idea of the future and unknown was at first more appealing than what had been the present, but as time passed, the feeling had developed into the wish for the present to remain.

"I don't ever want to be so fixated on the future that I stare past all the opportunities given to me now."

~~~

"The reason I always try to learn..

is because without knowledge and experience, what right have I to say anything,
or to form judgements?"

I honestly believe this to be my truth. I understand how people can say I am wrong in thinking things like this, but I don't understand so much the concept that another may have the jurisdiction to say that their idea is an absolute, single truth. It's also why I dare to question the ethics of the Bible. Now, I know that the manuscript is widely distributed with good intention, yes, I know. I know that it allegedly came from one of much greater worth and whose omnipresence is the origin of knowledge;our very existence as we know it.. But are these not more than guidelines? What of those who hadn't been given the opportunity to adhere to given religious standards. What about the ignorant? Should they be damned for the sole reason that fate had not granted them a chance encounter with that specific knowledge? While many say the world is small, it is truly a marvel in the grand scheme of things when you think of the multiple types of people, languages, cultures, etc... some of which no doubt remain unknown to us. The idea of one specific religion could never be taught widely among the whole population, especially if it conflicts basic human nature and survival instincts. Everyone wants to believe that there is something beyond this life.. that in the end, there will be a grand judgement, and upholding our morals when challenged with opportunities that arise in which we stand at a fork, pressured to decide in an instant whether we should waive our principles for the sake of convenience. I mean, I'd like to believe it too, but we can't know there is. So I'm just going to live to the best of my ability and do what I think is right, which may or may not conflict religions laws. I don't believe inequality for gays is just, which stems from the bible supposedly claiming "Man is made for Woman". I don't think that quote in itself is fair. After all, should love ever be banished between people, just because they aren't of the opposite sex? I firmly believe that love should be boundless and limitless as something sacred, valued above all else. That no one, no matter how respected, worshiped, w/e, has the right to determine it as void, or say it is meant to be experienced in one specific way. You can't force love.. Love is not simply aimed, shapened, or controlled.. it can be sparked spontaneously, developed through experience, understanding, and is eternal. It's similar to the ways of the human mind, as the subconcious and accompaning thoughts can not be truly supressed, or ignored. And I strongly believe that love can be shaped from an attraction through personality, attitude, actions, etc. as apposed to requiring some physical aspect to validate it. Otherwise, what is a love of parents and siblings? Friends? Pets (lol)? For me, my strongest attractions and relationships have not stemmed from what was initially a physical attraction, but what may have started as a friendship, or something along those lines, and experienced a metamorphosis over time that eventually resulted in the emergence of a bond stronger than those I had formed with most others. In fact my past crushes and infatuations resulted eventually in slow unraveling, or growing apart in my relationship between the given person. Physical attraction has been known to fade over time.. So to me, physical attraction like a crush or infatuation at the most a sign of potential for a relationship to form and develop, however, if built on nothing more than those false structure, then the relation is predestined to fall apart. In a relationship with physical attraction, it can be really hard to know where to even START x.x And things can become really awkward unless you find common ground, and just flat out fail if you don't. I'm thankful for my ability to fall in love based on personality, and attitude, and that my physical attraction for someone grows as I see certain qualities such as caring, understanding, and respect being exercised through their choice of actions; and that it can work the other way, dissolving slowly as their actions provide insight unto their true character. Honestly, it does take an amazing person to win my heart. And nobody who knows me really knows this way of mine, or that my opinion of them changes so easily. They have no idea that the choice of actions have such influence on my views of them as a person, and I suppose it may be because I make a point conceal any negative thoughts or hidden feelings I may foster towards someone, unless they hurt me in some way, which may include hurting those close to me.. I'm not very controlled in the ways I react to pain. Actually.. I'm frequently exceedingly rash, impetuous, and indiscreet in my retaliations. I can't say there haven't been situations where jumping to a assumption got me in a fix, and I was at fault for some misunderstanding or another. I can have an oversensitivity from time to time in regards to conversation, and the chance that some off-hand comment was said with malintentions, or that some sarcastic expression and jokes said by others were told purely at my expense.. I think there's a word for that that's not paranoia or just oversenstivity :\

We're all trapped in a maze of relationships the go on with or without you..

"We are living our lives/Abound with so much information/Come on,
let go of the remote; don’t you know you’re letting all the junk flood in?I try
to stop the flow, double clicking on the go, but it’s no use; hey, I’m being
consumed/Loading loading loading, quickly reaching maximum capacity/Warning
warning warning, gonna short-circuit my identity (ahhhhh)Get up on your feet,
tear down the walls/Catch a glimpse of the hollow world/Snooping ‘round will get
you nowhere/You’re locked up in your mindWe’re all trapped in a maze of
relationships/Life goes on with or without youI swim in the sea of the
unconsciousI search for your heart, pursuing my true self"

This is "Pursuing My True Self"- from Persona 4. Kinda like me.

Hm, seems a certain person deleted me off their friends list. Now, even if I don't necessarily talk to them anymore, it doesn't mean their not my friend. Even if we don't talk, in my eyes their still a friend after what had happened in our past. And I guess he might not consider me a friend anymore, but I sent a friends request. I guess I'll find out. I'd still want to remain friends, given everything, or at least to consider him as somebody who can be on good terms with me. He must think I hate him, but eh.. anger heated flames and the flares of harsh words work both ways. I'd forgiven him. Did he know? Nope, guess not. Well, I'll give him a chance :\ I wish I could let him know that I forgave him awhile back, and hopefully that request will let him know, even if he rejects it. In any case, I can survive without him, and vice-versa. It's still hard for me to lose a friend.

You know what..?

I really am just going to forget about what happened in my last post. Clearly I'm alive, so it doesn't make too much of a difference. It's not like I lost limbs or an organ, but I DO have this worrisome lump on my neck and it's not an ordinary.. uh.. well, I just hope it's not cancerous. That would flatout SUCK. But seems this vacation left me with enough time to reconsilliate as well as fully recover both mentally and whatever ailments I would have inheritted physically. Sober from everything, and as happy as I was before all thar crap started happening to me. I learned to deal with depressing things without letting the actions or resulting thoughts control me. I am my own person, have my own mind and everything. I've accepted that I have a dark side, but that it doesn't necessarily make me a bad person. Who I am lies in what courses of action I take. Not what I consider. So I've been able to rest a little easier. I also let alot of things off of my chest that I really shouldn't have been left to deal with on my own. The responsibility took too much of a toll on my health. But now it's not solely of my concern and I can breathe. :D Hope everybody's doing fine..