I don't know what's up with my head today but I'm being a bitch with what I write. I wrote things that sounded so arrogant that I began to doubt my stability. I'll write things like the following paragraph and completely disregard(until I shift back) that I had really thought any other way. This type of mentality is pretty rare for me.. well, lately it's been more occasional, but generally speaking, it is not the prominent shard of my personality. It's rather shameful, and it leaves me feeling like crap after I realize the things I said, or the way I had become. Unfortunately, it's usually after the point, and it's not like I'm truly so apathetic that I would feel this way 100% but sometimes.. I don't know. I don't know why I become this way. I just know the dominant part of who I am is not this. It has gained control before though.. seized me, but now I have the power. I know this personality shift is all I lie. I DO feel. It's undenailable.. but maybe I don't then. Is this.. DID or something? A split? I just don't like it, but I can't deny it's a part of me....
Earlier today:
I just find guys soo amusing x3
My opinion has been this way since god-knows-when, but the way they act or react to any given situation is HILARIOUS. Not that I'm that different, besides being a girl. My gender identity is pretty evenly distributed between male and female characteristics, making me more tomboy-ish than most girls, I guess. But that's something I wouldn't ever consider changing;not for any person in this god forsaken world! With my actions, intelligence, and the fact that I'm a girl, most fall right into my power. I had explained that I look at life as a game, and I guess I kinda do. It makes me want to scream with laughter when I notice somebody is attracted to me... I don't know why exactly. So many people "like" me, but they don't even know me. Still, it makes me euphoric. I'll admit, I can be manipulative and sometimes play guys' emotions like chess. I can always act ways that I know will make them like me, and yeah, I may want them to like me..but I usually don't. I often don't even like them after they like me, but the fun is in the strategy. Relationships can be sooooo boring. I don't care too much for going out, or long akward silences. I care less for making-out for the sake of avoiding akwardness. Sexual desires. Everybody has them, but the difference between me and others is that I don't let them CONTROL me. I've become attracted to people, yeah, but I only act on it if I WANT to. After I'm in a relationship, of course.. And I guess it's really the only reason I take part in relationships now, anyways. I'm not really too attracted to anyone right now, but it's funny.. after I leave I relationship, I soon start to feel the desire to take part in a new one. I've been in 5 relationships so far. I've never been broken up with. Any emotional empathy I have torwards people I become attracted to has always faded as their quirks began to knaw away at my tolerance. Of course I don't let them know that, either. I'm horrible with communication. Alot of times I'll use some excuse to break up with them, so I don't come across as the complete bitch I am, or incase I ever decide I want to get with them again. It can be painful though. It has been.. I wish I could help them understand that sometimes I just DON'T want to be in a relationship. I really hate it when the attraction fades, and I become attracted to someone else while I'm still in the relationship. It makes me feel like crap. I guess it may always end up like that, no matter who I'm with... It's almost like the only people I become more attracted to are the ones who don't fall for me. The challenge of the game increases, or something along those lines. That must be it, right? It's just that much more fun, chasing what you can't have. You can never get hurt.. well, I take that back. You can at least know that they not just using you. In relationships.. all the relationships I've been in, there's only one I can say that for. Still.. I don't know about that guy.
He's shallow in another way. They're all so shallow >.> When will I actually find somebody who doesn't have ulterior motives? They all do. Physical, personal, whatever. I mean that he was using me for the sake of reaffirming his fragile self-esteem and ego. Fishing. Does he know? JP wanted me to break his heart.. Sorry hon, I don't work well in the way of direct aggression of ANY type. I'm more passive. So I said nothing. I just watch; keep to myself. He must think I buy into his little act. Now here's the thing:
..People assume I'M shallow, and that I don't realize all those little acts they put on, just because I don't grant that part of them recognition. They think I'm so oblivious that I can't tell when they're attracted, though I may just be ignoring it, or more than likely playing coy. I'm not THAT ignorant. Oh, I notice. I focus my attention, and take mental notes. And I work with what I know. Having studied psychology so extensively.. I know a bit. Power in the wrong hands? Perhaps. Knowledge is power, though it is a power dangerous to everyone; including those in the pursuit. I have learned that lesson personally. Does love exist? Yeah, I believe so. All I have to do is look around me. Friendships, those little acts of kindness that you know will not result in any personal gains, but you do them for the sake of others. I think that's a sort of love. Maybe it involves a little sacrafice, and NEVER involves ulterior motives, unless it replaces them. I don't really think it has too much to do with physical attraction, but that's just me. I do love. I love humanity, and I want nothing more than to relieve people of any inner war they may be fighting. Having learnt through experience, I do not want others to suffer as I did. I guess even in righteous acts, there is a little bit of selfishness. But hey, I could always have chosen to remain ignorant and act for my own need, alone. I'm pretty damn sure this insight would qualify as "evil", in the eyes of some others.. I don't care anymore what they think. I've accepted now that it's a part of who I am. I kept trying to fight a pointless war against myself, denying a part of who I was, trying my hardest to turn the way and ignore it. You can put on a mask and fool others, but when you lie in bed, in the dark, alone in your room.. you can't lie to yourself. You can try, and hell I did, but it will only result in negative consequences. I tried to cut that part away, minimize it's importance 'til it was out of my sight, but in denail it grows stronger. That part become more rash, and you lose more and more control. When coup d'etat of the soul occurs, it seems like you've lost yourself. But that's only because you were never found to begin with. Self-discovery.. self-actualization. To become a better person, you must acknowledge your flaws. I.. wonder if I will ever find.. the person who is right for me. Who I can genuinely fall for, and trust.. I guess I just have a hard time trusting people. Who won't just leave me after I finally allow myself to fall for them and open up, and truly cares. Damn, why am I thinking about this so much lately? People who are physically attracted to me.. well I can tell when they are, and I can't trust them. I can't trust their intentions. I can't trust myself.
I know it's my past. I have some deeply rooted mental scars, but can I ever learn to move past them? Or will I just stay like this. I've noticed that when I'm listening to music, reading, drawing, I become so absorbed in the activity that I temporarily lose myself.. Why is it that when I come out, I am seemingly a different person?
David: From an outsider's point of view, the negatives of being a
narcissist, the inability to have mature relationships and enjoy life, may sound
bad. But does the narcissist him/herself feel bad about that?
Dr. Vaknin: Recent research
shows that he does (he is ego-dystonic). He interprets away his dystony (=bad feelings), he
invents complex narratives and employs a myriad of defense mechanisms such as intellectualization
and rationalization. In short, he lies to himself and to others, projecting
"untouchability",
emotional immunity and invincibility. However, this is all a facade which cracks
when the narcissist is faced with a real life crisis, as I did.
I have been told I lie to myself, and I can believe it to a certain extent. But it's not conciously. It's only because I don't KNOW the truth, and I mistake what isn't true to be so.
David: Can the narcissist have a meaningful life?
Dr. Vaknin: Frequently Asked Question Number 1... LOL. The narcissist feels
that his life is meaningful as long as his self-deception holds. But when a
narcissistic injury occurs (following the loss of a major source of narcissistic
supply, for instance), the narcissist is faced with the void that is his life:
the empty, dark, all consuming black hole that is at the core of his emotional
apparatus. Life without emotions is artificial intelligence. No wonder the
narcissist compares himself constantly to computers and other automata.
Fucking.. I don't know. This is how I used to be. I used to think I had no emotions.. but when I accepted that I did, they hit me with such force that I nearly took my own life. I used to deny that there were any problems in my life.. In the back of my head, I knew things weren't okay. When things got so bad, I couldn't deny it any more. So I was left with a sudden release of previously supressed emotions. It resulted in me being diagnosed bi-polar, though I admit I revert back to that state occasionally. At times like this. I want the truth..
Dr. Vaknin: FAQ #58 is dedicated to that, and it is a long one. The
narcissist is a master of disguise. He is a charmer, a talented actor, a
magician and a director of both himself and his milieu. It is very difficult to
expose him as such in the first encounter. But here are a few
signs:
1)displays haughty behaviour
2)has a tendency to humiliate,
criticize and belittle others
3)has a tendency to exaggerate, small,
unnecessary lies
4)has a tendency to fantasize about unlimited success
5)brags incessantly, to ignore you, not to listen
6)has a tendency to
idealize you much beyond the call of courtship
7)makes promises which are
incommensurate either with the event, or with his ability to fulfill them
8)has haughty body language
HOLY.. so it's.. okay,
1) yeah, I'm a trumpet. I'm pretty pompous. I'm over-confident.
2)I don't purposely humiliate people unless they piss me off, but the criticize part.. uh, it's part of my responsibility as section leader. Though I use to do it anyway. Belittle? Only do I belittle people in my head. Secretly I think I am better, but I don't act like I think it.
3)I do exaggerate, but it's to.. make it... more..... interesting oO? Er, is exaggerating the same thing as going into intricate detail?
4) Um.. I think I can do anything if I set my mind to it? Is that wrong? -.-
5)Okay, yeah, I brag. Always have, since I was like 3. It's a bad habit. Tendency. Whatever. But I'm really open, and it's hard to keep my happiness about things to myself. :\ If I don't speak about my success, then it's only to make people more interested in asking me if they find out first hand. So I can shrug it off like it's no big deal, and put on the act that it wasn't, when it may have been very difficult for me, let alone anyone else.
6)Uh.. _______. Anybody.. I often will compliment them.. ALOT. More than they deserve. Say that they have alot of potential, they're really good, have improved, or whatever, but it's not sincere. I don't really think they're great, or better than me at all. It's more to falsely boost their self-esteem so that when I take them down, or they fall, they hurt more. In my head, I laugh and laugh and laugh, cause I know they suck. I know I'm so much better, and they probably won't reach the level I'm at in the time they know me. Yeah, I know that's not very nice; again, I don't really care. But sometimes I feel like I meant those things sincerely, and that's the strange part. When I say them, sometimes I am sincere in my intent to make them feel good about themself. I want them to be happy, even if I have to lie to them for it to happen.
7)I've made promises to teachers that I'll complete assignments that I know I'll never finish, set goals for myself that it's nearly impossible for me to technically accomplish, but it increases my motivation to improve. In the end, the goals help me reach farther than I would have naturally.
8)Body language, LOL! I act. I put on a performance with my body language, so anybody who happens to look my way will get a good impression. I try to look awesome. I wonder if it's something that other people constantly take into consideration..
campbet: When
dealing with a person with Narcissistic Personality
Disorder, what tactics
can
be used to make this person take
responsibility for their
actions?
Dr. Vaknin: The narcissist has
alloplastic
defenses.
What this means is that he tends to blame others,
inanimate objects
and
people, for his behaviour. "You made me do it" is
a common sentence or,
"What could I do? I couldn't help it under the
circumstances." He is
superstitious to some extent and paranoid ("The
world/luck is
against
me").
Again, the key is simple: the
narcissist is a
vending machine.
Input
the coins of narcissistic
supply and press the
right button
("responsibility").
Example: the
narcissist made a mistake.
You want him to
acknowledge his
responsibility. Make the mistake GRAND,
unprecedented,
unique,
amazing,
stunning, and the narcissist will
immediately "adopt" it.
Narcissistic supply
can be both negative or
positive. To write the
masterpiece of all time is the
exact emotional
equivalent of writing
the
flop of all time. To be a Hitler is
identical
to being Jesus.
The narcissist
has no moral or emotional preference
between these two.
He just wants to be
considered the unique-est.Lmao it's so like me to want to be the MOST unique. I don't know if I'd go as far as becoming Hitler. No. I was actually almost gonna put "maybe", but really, nothing to that level of evil. I can acknowledge it was disgusting. Taking lifes.. I think I feel that way. Um.. I don't know what I feel right now besides disconnected. Before I had free written, mind flowing to word processing but......................................................................
I'm stuck in a rut. I don't like this post.. I don't know if I even want to post it, it's that bad. It's not who I usually am. I turn into this awful person sometimes, as this part of me comes forth. But it's not my full intention.. *sigh* But this doesn't mean anything. I also have a bad habit of looking up psychological ailments and somehow relating them to me. If I diagnosed myself, I would probably end up having every possible ailment at one point or another, if not all together; but I know it's not the case.
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