feeling of death

it's an interesting thing to be on the cusp of losing consciousness and not being sure if you'll wake up once it's gone. just one more time, won't it be? for all that I could judge, I'd say this is worth it, love is.  I figure if something  is meant to happen, it just is. I love my friends... so much... I feel like I'm being pulled down out of my body, no help within range, no energy, I can't speak, I guess I have to wake up somehow, at least I know no matter what we'll always be together. I hope this is okay later, almost can't type, ot after so far tghough, not nothing,can't keep eyes open have to close <#                        enter now,
I love you                                                        

Why do I feel so invisible?

Talk about motifs....

please, help me get out
 I can't take it much longer
 but you don't see me

I hate depression
 I hate this loneliness more
 nothing can end it

This is nothing new
 drowning but not submerged
 not much time left now

but still here I am
 staring at my ceiling fan
 no more denial

I know you don't care
I don't expect people to
 turn away from me

I expect nothing
 expectations get betrayed
 I am a shut in

what people don't know:
 I refused to ask for help
 so I've nearly died

though I once had friends
 my ties have long since been cut
 I feel nothing

I don't know why I stay
 I don't have any reason
 I can't make one up

but why should you care?
 I'm just a stupid person
 ruled by emotion

maybe I should leave
 'cuz it's all I know to be
 a screwed up nuisance

people will mock me
 but I don't care anymore
 no more can be lost

This is what I'm like
 when held by a fraying cord;
 my reality

Burden of Truth

reaching out to nowhere
grasping in the darkness
if it can't be seen
was it ever felt?

I know the night better than most
as my voice echoes through it
sometimes it seems as if it whispers
back to me the things I couldn't say

walking aimlessly, what comes with daybreak?
exposure to the difference you can't quite escape
serene and still, despite what's coming
intermediary state of twilight, between then and there

suspended above gravity, outside of time
do you wonder where your core may truly be?
Outside of yourself is one thing,
implosion into infinity, atrophy

what had yesterday brought?
confusion, pressure, necessitating direction
it couldn't have just been left as one day
peace splinters to bring about new growth

these ideas, feelings, thoughts
the grace of time's passing helps them decompose
potential returns, not yet exposed beyond that place
between the then and then lies an ever-evolving memory

is the present a gift or a burden of weight?
turning inside, away from question and strife
returning the transitory phase, not losing sight
I'll leave it for the moment to decide.

Truly and sincerely

I wish my depression wasn't returning. This is really a horrible, horrible time... but that's probably the reason it IS returning. I'm under a super-massive amount of stress... Honestly, nobody knows at all. That's... not something I have the ability to communicate. Suicidal thoughts again though... really... I just feel my shoulders slump thinking about it... if nothing else a release of tension, only to unconsciously return once I'm aware of... ._.

Meaning is something I struggle with, even still; a reason to push through the pain of the experiences... a constant battle inside of me. Some people I know are aware of that, but nobody realizes how close to the edge I frequently am. I fantasize about being beheaded, I close my eyes, lay back, and imagine being decapitated and how lovely it would feel in relativity to my current state of existence... I could just leave. I know death doesn't hurt... A large part of the issue is that I don't fear death... is that an issue? I stay for egocentric reasons, anyways... personal happiness, yeah I'm human... entitled to happiness? Entitled to suffering in equal measure... but do I want that? I'm weary of change, constantly on the run and ultimately aimless. I'm just wandering here and waiting for what I already know is going to happen.

It's funny because as I listen to "The Road To Hell Is Paved With Good Intentions" by In Fear and Faith... I listening to the lyrics talking about the funeral; I feel like half-laughing, but I hold a grimace. The only reason that'd be funny is because I don't imagine it like that at all. "Familiar faces, worn out places" as Gary Jules sang... and the future isn't even a terrifying prospect for that reason. For years this thought has lingered in my mind,

"A lifetime of this, a lifetime of this, a lifetime of this... is this what you want? A lifetime of this..."

Rarely does the looping end... it's always there in some form or another... it's so relentless, yet I have to be ever more listful, compelled forward until then end.

God, I am so tired. 

The only hope I have left, the only reason I have is my friends, depression takes everything from me, even them... It takes everything out of me, all hope, my energy, my mind... I've made damn sure that if I ever do go, people will see it coming and know there was nothing that they could have done; it's the truth.

Augh, thoughts of self-injury again... why does this keep happening lately? Is it just the stress?

...

Mental association, that one connection I had strong that was so strong... is that it? Similar qualities, post-traumatic stress, old patterns of thought brought to mind that I had been conditioned into and promoted towards? Why... does he have to come into my mind. I just don't want to think of him. I don't want him there. Is it shame? Is it fear? Why does it stick? I tried my best, I... didn't know, I ... still have trouble believing those things weren't my fault, but I can't afford to think about it anymore. Despite that, it keeps dogging me down... I don't want a brain right now... at all.

Is it true caring? Why does it have to be so terrifying? I'm trying to work past the "It's not worth bothering phase" and I knew it wouldn't be easy... I have so much trauma to work through... I suppose this could be considered normal. Even still, this is so dangerous... what I've been putting myself through without anybody being aware of it, with the aim of recovery. It's the only way. I have to do it. I have to be strong enough; it's that or death. Still, I didn't choose any of this... I'm not a victim, I still have the power to just throw up the white flag and give, and as long as I'm still living, I guess I haven't done that... regardless, I need change... quickly. Even though I'm tired, I need it so desperately, and other things I dare not confess to other people. Sanctuary? Backmasked as always, how else could I hope to be honest without such intense anxiety? A greater possibility that I will remain unseen, even though being seen is exactly what I need. I need a hand to help me out of this place, I am blind. I don't even seen the light, I need guidance... I can't pretend if I want to live. I have to get past this somehow... It's easier to give up. Just the few good things vs. all of the weight pulling me down, I could just sink. But those good things, those people...

Synchronicity again..... "I Need You Now (How Many Times?)"... a song I never heard, by chance I just saw, listening, okay... not even unusual anymore. Music always coincides, whether I have the song at the time or not... it always comes to me. I've been the hero too long...  Submerged, would I die from suffocation or hypothermia more quickly? I can picture both, the imagery of translucency... that chilling to the bones. Is it because I'm already there? Is that why, despite its quality being so opaque, the vision is so clear?

What am I supposed to do? What could I do? Should... shouldn't enter the picture, oh so ironically, but it does... shouldn't but does? Play it off, shrug... no... stop. Frozen. Am I that deep now? An airpocket, or is time, itself, freezing?

...help, please, help.....



































..............but who possible could? How could I ask, expect for there to be a possibility, hope? No more... I can't. Not now.

? when was this even

Positive spiritual development?An ever growing sense of empathy; understanding; always acknowledging our own flaws. To see all people; things as significant entities,identifying relevant ideas expressed which shape our life or shape our impressionable state of conciousness. All is one; one is all. We appreciate all details, knowing each part was necessary to contruct the specific product. We understand our potential;using our power,time,and ability for maximum efficiency.We know greater things are at work, but lament as we can only teach what we know. For example: with each ounce of pride we "earn", it was also given. So we're obliged to contribute back to society, while enjoying the pleasure that comes ienevitably as more goals are met, and positive momentum accumulates. Equal and opposite. For all pain we recieve, we have faith that there's purpose; whether it be to direct us in a new direction, or to teach us where we need to focus or have been led astray. In the midst of a great fall, you anticipate a great climb past baseline

:\ empezar

I found out one of my friends is going to be leaving Facebook soon, deactivating her account. That puts a great sadness in my heart, honestly, especially considering what she means to me. I couldn't ask for her to stay just because of my personal emotions, anyways, especially if I know that'd prevent her from being happy in the long-run. Maybe we could be penpals or something of that nature.

It's weird, because I'm not really all that used to being attached to people... Kind of figures it'd happen when she elected to be my sister, though. And I told her minutes before I'd always wanted a sister.
Such is life.