Saturday, January 22, 2011
So many pent up emotions...
I used to have writing, but I don't even have that anymore... even to work these issues out in my mind systematically like I used to is such a painful process, I'd usually rather not bother... until it overwhelms me, then I have no choice. I'm not always sad, no, I know that... I'm not always depressed... but if I was always depressed, at least I could probably get a goddamned handle on the situation. Fuck this. It's not like I don't hold things in myself... I just... never talk about it. I can't talk about it, so nobody knows... Nobody knows how many times I have been standing just a hair from plummeting over the edge, nobody. How is it that fucking trauma from 4 years ago still haunts me? How does it still loops through my mind and manipulate my emotions, putting me in a state like I'm just experiencing it in that exact moment? Still, the only way out is through... if there is even an out. Why should I care? This is a spiritual struggle, it always has been, whether I live or die or not is irrelevant if I won't reach a resolve. And I become so self-absorbed, too... what should matter? Aren't other people just a continuation of the self in some sense? So why do I direct my attention towards one part, when there's even still a bigger picture? I'm sick of standing on the edge of a breakdown, I just want to breakdown already, to get it out of my system. One day I will find an area where I am completely alone and finally let out this scream I've been saving for years... one day.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
How do things go so wrong so fast?
I'm so sick of misunderstandings tearing me apart... destroying friendships, but this time it seems different. This time, love will overcome. I have faith in her.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
It seems to me...
...like we're all looking for the same thing. That thing we are looking for, it isn't a physical object, not something with a particular size, but a concept. That concept may be peace, or contentment.
Even if somebody was to say in their lifetime, they wish only to find love, isn't it the peace they will have received after achieving their goal what they were really striving for... a type of closure? A relief from a feeling of lack? Likewise, if somebody said that their lifetime goal was to get $1,000,000, wouldn't they be seeking that $1,000,000 in order to feel validated or secure, or to again fill some sort of perceived deficiency? We are constantly striving to discover a means the would help us to achieve our end, but after we achieve that goal, we simply create a new one, and we relentlessly begin pursuing closure in the exact same fashion as we had, not recognizing the pointlessness in seeking some ideal that could never realistically be maintained, but we sure do keep ourselves busy. Maybe when we acknowledge a means as an end in of itself, we'll really have peace. Maybe when we accept we will always be seeking in the state we do unless we end our life yet persist anyway, we can fully own our existence, accept in any given moment we only continue to exist because we consciously choose to, and allow that understanding to empower us. It's like "Meno's Paradox" in the dialogue by Socrates. We all seek to be virtuous in our actions, but being virtuous means attempting to bring ourselves to our ideal state through whatever means it takes. Some people think this means carpetting the world, and people who invest the future of their happiness or ideal state on a situation they do not have control over are bound to end up in more agony when they discover despite trying their hardest, they cannot force everybody else to conform to their inner visions. Some want peace, and want to find a way to end war and conflict, but for there to be a greater peace, those conflicts must exist, otherwise you end up with an oppressive environment with even greater conflict brewing beneath the surface, ready to be unleashed and hurt a lot of people.
But we opt. for quick fixes even if they aren't permanent. It's just like how people self-medicate through periods of depression instead of learning to tolerate them in a normal state of consciousness... Yes, you may escape the problem temporarily, but when you return to that state, you're just going to be in the same position as you were before you self-medicated unless you learn new coping skills. Even if you learn new coping skills, unless you practice them, they will remain ineffective. I think that if you push through a phase of depression and tolerate it, don't do something stupid during it, the memory sticks with you so the next time you're depressed to the same extent, you can remember that you don't have to act because you had survived that state of mind before without doing so, therefore you have the capacity to tolerate at least that. But then does mood/energy level affect your capacity while you're experiencing differences in level, or does your compacity remain the same regardless of mood/energy, with both being nothing more than perception? The former seems more logical, but if it were the case, the only thing a person could really be responsible for would be trying their best to remain, and only they could know whether they did or not, and depending on the person, they may not be bothered if they didn't meet other peoples' standards of virtuous behavior. As they shouldn't be. A person's understanding of what is virtuous for themself is not virtuous for another person because they are different people with different needs. People have good intentions, but because of their ignorance, they often cause more damage to others than do they heal them. When you focus too much on other peoples' needs all of the time neglecting your own, it's difficult to distinguish when you're acknowledging a person's legitimate need or projecting your own needs or desires onto them. "The Good" is the product of virtuous behavior, and I believe it varies from individual to individual.
For myself, just what is it?
I guess the ability to live and function in a way that is more desirable than being dead. I would ask myself, "What's the point of living if you'd rather be dead." and I think the answer is that I'm waiting for something greater, hoping there is something better than what I know, and that my understanding may be wrong (it constantly shifts).
There is no guarantee that I am actually advancing forward when I will reach a conclusion time and again then not be able to be secure about it, because I forget just how I had arrived at the conclusion I did logically, and I doubt that I didn't make a mistake somewhere alone the way. I know if I finally did find my answer, whatever it is, I'd probably just start all over again, because I despise boredom. Whenever I beat a video game and accomplish a challenge, I do it again to achieve the same goal more efficiently. Part of me even realizes I have already found the answer many times and I keep forgetting it because of this implied need to keep moving, but as I said on my status on facebook:
The only way out is through. I must try to believe every step I take is positive, working towards something greater, even though it feels like I have no choice but to return to square one over & over, it's just a lie, I'm moving fowards, & I'm becoming stronger. I'm closer to the truth that was always right in front of me;all the answers lie within & the best way to not forget is to never let it leave your mind.
...and as that the lyrics of "Chasing You" by Nural said:
"Everlasting yet reaching the end, could you define this?
'Cause I know that I won't be relieved with closure, closure
Closure that never came, never will, I can't deny this
Though denial is all that could bring you closer"
I never stop and go back to reread the things I have already written, too. Maybe I'm afraid of being lost in the memory... the boundaries between memory, dream, and reality don't seem so stable, afterall.
I'm going to have to learn to convince myself that the reason I live is not just because I don't have the energy to kill myself, because it's not.
Tomorrow I will make one document of things people have said that inspired me and made me feel like my life actually has meaning and value, and that I, as an individual might have worth. I'll meditate on their words when I'm depressed and use it as a mantra to counter the inevitable negative.
Bah, I should sleep.
Even if somebody was to say in their lifetime, they wish only to find love, isn't it the peace they will have received after achieving their goal what they were really striving for... a type of closure? A relief from a feeling of lack? Likewise, if somebody said that their lifetime goal was to get $1,000,000, wouldn't they be seeking that $1,000,000 in order to feel validated or secure, or to again fill some sort of perceived deficiency? We are constantly striving to discover a means the would help us to achieve our end, but after we achieve that goal, we simply create a new one, and we relentlessly begin pursuing closure in the exact same fashion as we had, not recognizing the pointlessness in seeking some ideal that could never realistically be maintained, but we sure do keep ourselves busy. Maybe when we acknowledge a means as an end in of itself, we'll really have peace. Maybe when we accept we will always be seeking in the state we do unless we end our life yet persist anyway, we can fully own our existence, accept in any given moment we only continue to exist because we consciously choose to, and allow that understanding to empower us. It's like "Meno's Paradox" in the dialogue by Socrates. We all seek to be virtuous in our actions, but being virtuous means attempting to bring ourselves to our ideal state through whatever means it takes. Some people think this means carpetting the world, and people who invest the future of their happiness or ideal state on a situation they do not have control over are bound to end up in more agony when they discover despite trying their hardest, they cannot force everybody else to conform to their inner visions. Some want peace, and want to find a way to end war and conflict, but for there to be a greater peace, those conflicts must exist, otherwise you end up with an oppressive environment with even greater conflict brewing beneath the surface, ready to be unleashed and hurt a lot of people.
But we opt. for quick fixes even if they aren't permanent. It's just like how people self-medicate through periods of depression instead of learning to tolerate them in a normal state of consciousness... Yes, you may escape the problem temporarily, but when you return to that state, you're just going to be in the same position as you were before you self-medicated unless you learn new coping skills. Even if you learn new coping skills, unless you practice them, they will remain ineffective. I think that if you push through a phase of depression and tolerate it, don't do something stupid during it, the memory sticks with you so the next time you're depressed to the same extent, you can remember that you don't have to act because you had survived that state of mind before without doing so, therefore you have the capacity to tolerate at least that. But then does mood/energy level affect your capacity while you're experiencing differences in level, or does your compacity remain the same regardless of mood/energy, with both being nothing more than perception? The former seems more logical, but if it were the case, the only thing a person could really be responsible for would be trying their best to remain, and only they could know whether they did or not, and depending on the person, they may not be bothered if they didn't meet other peoples' standards of virtuous behavior. As they shouldn't be. A person's understanding of what is virtuous for themself is not virtuous for another person because they are different people with different needs. People have good intentions, but because of their ignorance, they often cause more damage to others than do they heal them. When you focus too much on other peoples' needs all of the time neglecting your own, it's difficult to distinguish when you're acknowledging a person's legitimate need or projecting your own needs or desires onto them. "The Good" is the product of virtuous behavior, and I believe it varies from individual to individual.
For myself, just what is it?
I guess the ability to live and function in a way that is more desirable than being dead. I would ask myself, "What's the point of living if you'd rather be dead." and I think the answer is that I'm waiting for something greater, hoping there is something better than what I know, and that my understanding may be wrong (it constantly shifts).
There is no guarantee that I am actually advancing forward when I will reach a conclusion time and again then not be able to be secure about it, because I forget just how I had arrived at the conclusion I did logically, and I doubt that I didn't make a mistake somewhere alone the way. I know if I finally did find my answer, whatever it is, I'd probably just start all over again, because I despise boredom. Whenever I beat a video game and accomplish a challenge, I do it again to achieve the same goal more efficiently. Part of me even realizes I have already found the answer many times and I keep forgetting it because of this implied need to keep moving, but as I said on my status on facebook:
The only way out is through. I must try to believe every step I take is positive, working towards something greater, even though it feels like I have no choice but to return to square one over & over, it's just a lie, I'm moving fowards, & I'm becoming stronger. I'm closer to the truth that was always right in front of me;all the answers lie within & the best way to not forget is to never let it leave your mind.
...and as that the lyrics of "Chasing You" by Nural said:
"Everlasting yet reaching the end, could you define this?
'Cause I know that I won't be relieved with closure, closure
Closure that never came, never will, I can't deny this
Though denial is all that could bring you closer"
I never stop and go back to reread the things I have already written, too. Maybe I'm afraid of being lost in the memory... the boundaries between memory, dream, and reality don't seem so stable, afterall.
I'm going to have to learn to convince myself that the reason I live is not just because I don't have the energy to kill myself, because it's not.
Tomorrow I will make one document of things people have said that inspired me and made me feel like my life actually has meaning and value, and that I, as an individual might have worth. I'll meditate on their words when I'm depressed and use it as a mantra to counter the inevitable negative.
Bah, I should sleep.
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