So many pent up emotions...

I used to have writing, but I don't even have that anymore... even to work these issues out in my mind systematically like I used to is such a painful process, I'd usually rather not bother... until it overwhelms me, then I have no choice. I'm not always sad, no, I know that... I'm not always depressed... but if I was always depressed, at least I could probably get a goddamned handle on the situation. Fuck this. It's not like I don't hold things in myself... I just... never talk about it. I can't talk about it, so nobody knows... Nobody knows how many times I have been standing just a hair from plummeting over the edge, nobody. How is it that fucking trauma from 4 years ago still haunts me? How does it still loops through my mind and manipulate my emotions, putting me in a state like I'm just experiencing it in that exact moment? Still, the only way out is through... if there is even an out. Why should I care? This is a spiritual struggle, it always has been, whether I live or die or not is irrelevant if I won't reach a resolve. And I become so self-absorbed, too... what should matter? Aren't other people just a continuation of the self in some sense? So why do I direct my attention towards one part, when there's even still a bigger picture? I'm sick of standing on the edge of a breakdown, I just want to breakdown already, to get it out of my system. One day I will find an area where I am completely alone and finally let out this scream I've been saving for years... one day.