Hallelujah...

Things have gotten crazy. And when I say crazy, I mean by my standards...

That's saying a lot.


My health is getting worse, I've isolated myself, I'm unmedicated, my parents virtually hold me hostage in my own damn household. I can't even write about it anymore. Thinking about the whole situation is too exhausting... that's as far as I could get, I'm sorry.

It's been awhile; I've been up down and all around~

Now let me tell YOU how much being 51-50'd twice within the period of the same week is... not fun. Especially with the psychiotic lady down the hall you think is speaking intelligently until you learn over closer starts making animal noises, and the ex-con in the room next to you, just after being restraited decides to piss everywhere as a way of sticking it to the man. Or who knows, maybe he really just had to take a piss at a very inconvenient time? In any case, it was not to my benefit, and I heard all the nurses laughing and gossiping, and I just wanted to scream DON'T YOU FUCKING REALIZE SOME OF US ARE HERE AGAINST OUR WILL AND WE DON'T WANT TO PUT WITH THE NOISE OF YOUR PETTY GOSSIP ANY MORE THAN THE FOUL MOUTHED MAN WHO JUST PISSED HIMSELF IN THE NEXT ROOM. But I didn't. Very rarely do I speak my true opinion. I mainly just observe others', and if we share one, GREAT, I can bring up a topic and hopefully have more than a one-sided conversation, and that topic may lead to another, and as I get a feel for their temprament, the way they will generally respond to things based upon the strength of the preferences as indicated through verbal response and even microexpression, I can poke at carrying the conversation to a slightly deeper level. This part is the one where I really start pulling things out of the other person's psych they didn't remember were there or were trying to forget, but I remember usually, these are a essential ingredient in the total unraveling of a person.

Identifying, trust, dysruptive sense of self-worth, empathy, fears, memories(personal experiences), preferences(all kinds), philosophic mindset(receptive, dejecting, comparative, compatible, reflective, Echoic in certain principles) beliefs, adherence to internet compass...

These things are what flavor what we observe in personality and observe in a "person"... But what really is the person? Holos = oneness
perhaps this is an equal amount of void as matter, or a certain amount of matter is leaving from the void, then when the cycle retracts, it will replace probably anti-matter residing on the other side of the void, or blackhole. Like some of those perpetual moving objects... the universe expanding and contracting could be just like that... meaning there may be other sides to black holes... How many other sides... how many factual universe exactly the same ordeal... a motion that only in appearance, ceases, begins, and continues... but never truly began in the first place.

I personally believe any type of order and linear time are illusions...
Time= distance x rate
Okay, besides time being an order we artificially impose on society, it does seen to reprent the rate void could be dislocated within a period of time, using different types of stardized speedometers, timed automatedly, and obstacles. The obstacle (and all of its components) that go through the change are void, and maybe void is even the tiniest substance to exist, and maybe seed of all things as perfect distruction of molecule when there's no place to move as it vibrates would cause an explosion, or even the perception of implosion in the long term, as gravity returns everything to its due place. But what is Gravity? It is a "force" ?

2:09amAh. I try not to let it bother me. It usually doesn't.Report ·
2:09amI won't try to overdramatize the fact that does on occasionbut please know I care for you as a friendand if you ever need someone to talk to, or a shoulder to cry onI'll always try to be there to the best of my ability.Report 2:10amThanks.Report ·
2:11amI feel like some people think I'm addressing them personally when I say these things.Report ·
2:11am"Addressing them personally"?.Report ·
2:12amand in a way I am, but I'm not exclusive to one person, y'know... yeah, with the things I've told them and the promises I've made.Report ·
2:13amAh. Yeah, I know. I've seen at least one of your videos on Youtube. .Report ·
2:14amI still mean those words personally to youbrb.Report ·
2:14amk.Report ·
2:18amfor years I've been attempt to pursue a path of spiritual growth.Report ·
2:18amHow's it been working?.Report ·
2:19amwell, it's hard its ups and downs, but seeing somebody was in smiling, see purpose in life again, eyes-brimmed with hopeit's because of people respect othersand one side presents a more logical or sound point than their own mind has supplied them withthey have a paradigm shift and witch perspective to match the other one*switch.Report ·
2:22amOk, you lost me. Even at the first sentence, I was confused.Report ·
2:22amI've been having a lot of ups and downs with mood.Report ·
2:23amAfter that.Report · 2:23amBut seeing somebody(else) smiiling, watching them rescognize purpose in their life again, and seeing their eyes-brimming with hopethat gives me energyand more hopeand when people respect each other (after identifying with them) if two were debating a point, and one offered a thesis that was more valid and made sense to both of them, they would then procede to synthesize their belief systems, and in a way, it becomes survival of the fittest for the simplest, most sensical theories to be valuedisn't this like brainwashing people?.Report ·
2:27amWhat does the fourth large messa- Brainwashing people who choose to be brainwashed, in my opinion.Report ·
2:28amwhat were you going to ask before?.Report ·
2:28amWhat does the fourth large message have to do with the first three?.Report ·
2:30amit's the potential of what could happen when two people have been through two similar, difficult past experieces may act upon discovering they were only as alone as they were scared to reach out.Report ·
2:31amYes, but that has nothing to do with the first three things you said or I don't see it at least.Report ·
2:31amit's all what I want to cause.Report ·
2:32amOh. Ok. People need an instruction manual for talking to you. It can kinda difficult.Report ·
2:32amespecially when I'm almost certainly maniceven in my normally typing, it tends to come out irregulardoes this all bore you?.Report · 2:34amI don't connect with it. It's not boring me more than I already am, but I can't say I'm interested either.Report ·
2:35amI know it's illogical, but I feel sadness because you aren't emotionally invested as well as mentally engaged.Report ·
2:37amltm, sorry. I don't get emotional if possible. I don't like emotions for the most part.Report ·
2:38amI've thought that before toobefore I realize how useful it can be with memoryand that not dealing with the doesn't make them go away.Report ·
2:39amDoesn't change that I don't like them.Report ·
2:43amwhy don't you like them, anyways?.Report ·
2:44amBeing sad sucks, being angry makes it more likely that you'll do things you'll regret, and happiness is short-lived.Report ·
2:45amthat may have been true for you lifeso farbut there are two types of all of those thingsand their reason for being makes a difference too, because it could be a potential issue to resolve if there is a triggerwhat's your definition of "short-lived", anyways?.Report ·
2:47amDoesn't last long.

My head burns

fuck what everybody else says, I know the truth. all I do is hurt people. people look up to me, but for what? I'm so flawed, so horrible... all I do is fucking hurt people. And they try to act nice and suppress things because I'm so fragile, but I know my fate. I'll just end up alone, and in hell, and I'll stay there. why? because I condemn myself. I don't deserve love. I don't. I deserve pain. I deserve this, yet I'm so weak, I can't even take it. people think they're not good enough for me, well I'm not good enough for them. I'm not good enough for anything. and I can't take this pain. I can't... I can't fucking take it. I'm not strong, they were all wrong... so wrong... I'm a failure, and that's all I ever will be.

And when I finally understand

it is then that I will again awake to ignorance. When I am in total ignorance once more, it is then I will again awake to understanding.

ehhhh...

This is one of those moments where I really just sit and question how the hell I ended up in the position I did. Why? What is it that I feel I'm lacking that I need to keep seeking outside of myself? Why can't I just... accept the pain that's a part of living for me and get used to it? Why do I feel like that pain isn't worth living through, even for all of the people in my life, at times? Well soon enough I'll be bombarded by reasons, and I won't have anything to do with them besides dwell.

Bring on total sobriety.

So many pent up emotions...

I used to have writing, but I don't even have that anymore... even to work these issues out in my mind systematically like I used to is such a painful process, I'd usually rather not bother... until it overwhelms me, then I have no choice. I'm not always sad, no, I know that... I'm not always depressed... but if I was always depressed, at least I could probably get a goddamned handle on the situation. Fuck this. It's not like I don't hold things in myself... I just... never talk about it. I can't talk about it, so nobody knows... Nobody knows how many times I have been standing just a hair from plummeting over the edge, nobody. How is it that fucking trauma from 4 years ago still haunts me? How does it still loops through my mind and manipulate my emotions, putting me in a state like I'm just experiencing it in that exact moment? Still, the only way out is through... if there is even an out. Why should I care? This is a spiritual struggle, it always has been, whether I live or die or not is irrelevant if I won't reach a resolve. And I become so self-absorbed, too... what should matter? Aren't other people just a continuation of the self in some sense? So why do I direct my attention towards one part, when there's even still a bigger picture? I'm sick of standing on the edge of a breakdown, I just want to breakdown already, to get it out of my system. One day I will find an area where I am completely alone and finally let out this scream I've been saving for years... one day.

How do things go so wrong so fast?

I'm so sick of misunderstandings tearing me apart... destroying friendships, but this time it seems different. This time, love will overcome. I have faith in her.

It seems to me...

...like we're all looking for the same thing. That thing we are looking for, it isn't a physical object, not something with a particular size, but a concept. That concept may be peace, or contentment.

Even if somebody was to say in their lifetime, they wish only to find love, isn't it the peace they will have received after achieving their goal what they were really striving for... a type of closure? A relief from a feeling of lack? Likewise, if somebody said that their lifetime goal was to get $1,000,000, wouldn't they be seeking that $1,000,000 in order to feel validated or secure, or to again fill some sort of perceived deficiency? We are constantly striving to discover a means the would help us to achieve our end, but after we achieve that goal, we simply create a new one, and we relentlessly begin pursuing closure in the exact same fashion as we had, not recognizing the pointlessness in seeking some ideal that could never realistically be maintained, but we sure do keep ourselves busy. Maybe when we acknowledge a means as an end in of itself, we'll really have peace. Maybe when we accept we will always be seeking in the state we do unless we end our life yet persist anyway, we can fully own our existence, accept in any given moment we only continue to exist because we consciously choose to, and allow that understanding to empower us. It's like "Meno's Paradox" in the dialogue by Socrates. We all seek to be virtuous in our actions, but being virtuous means attempting to bring ourselves to our ideal state through whatever means it takes. Some people think this means carpetting the world, and people who invest the future of their happiness or ideal state on a situation they do not have control over are bound to end up in more agony when they discover despite trying their hardest, they cannot force everybody else to conform to their inner visions. Some want peace, and want to find a way to end war and conflict, but for there to be a greater peace, those conflicts must exist, otherwise you end up with an oppressive environment with even greater conflict brewing beneath the surface, ready to be unleashed and hurt a lot of people.

But we opt. for quick fixes even if they aren't permanent. It's just like how people self-medicate through periods of depression instead of learning to tolerate them in a normal state of consciousness... Yes, you may escape the problem temporarily, but when you return to that state, you're just going to be in the same position as you were before you self-medicated unless you learn new coping skills. Even if you learn new coping skills, unless you practice them, they will remain ineffective. I think that if you push through a phase of depression and tolerate it, don't do something stupid during it, the memory sticks with you so the next time you're depressed to the same extent, you can remember that you don't have to act because you had survived that state of mind before without doing so, therefore you have the capacity to tolerate at least that. But then does mood/energy level affect your capacity while you're experiencing differences in level, or does your compacity remain the same regardless of mood/energy, with both being nothing more than perception? The former seems more logical, but if it were the case, the only thing a person could really be responsible for would be trying their best to remain, and only they could know whether they did or not, and depending on the person, they may not be bothered if they didn't meet other peoples' standards of virtuous behavior. As they shouldn't be. A person's understanding of what is virtuous for themself is not virtuous for another person because they are different people with different needs. People have good intentions, but because of their ignorance, they often cause more damage to others than do they heal them. When you focus too much on other peoples' needs all of the time neglecting your own, it's difficult to distinguish when you're acknowledging a person's legitimate need or projecting your own needs or desires onto them. "The Good" is the product of virtuous behavior, and I believe it varies from individual to individual.

For myself, just what is it?
I guess the ability to live and function in a way that is more desirable than being dead. I would ask myself, "What's the point of living if you'd rather be dead." and I think the answer is that I'm waiting for something greater, hoping there is something better than what I know, and that my understanding may be wrong (it constantly shifts).

There is no guarantee that I am actually advancing forward when I will reach a conclusion time and again then not be able to be secure about it, because I forget just how I had arrived at the conclusion I did logically, and I doubt that I didn't make a mistake somewhere alone the way. I know if I finally did find my answer, whatever it is, I'd probably just start all over again, because I despise boredom. Whenever I beat a video game and accomplish a challenge, I do it again to achieve the same goal more efficiently. Part of me even realizes I have already found the answer many times and I keep forgetting it because of this implied need to keep moving, but as I said on my status on facebook:
The only way out is through. I must try to believe every step I take is positive, working towards something greater, even though it feels like I have no choice but to return to square one over & over, it's just a lie, I'm moving fowards, & I'm becoming stronger. I'm closer to the truth that was always right in front of me;all the answers lie within & the best way to not forget is to never let it leave your mind.


...and as that the lyrics of "Chasing You" by Nural said:
"Everlasting yet reaching the end, could you define this?
'Cause I know that I won't be relieved with closure, closure
Closure that never came, never will, I can't deny this
Though denial is all that could bring you closer"


I never stop and go back to reread the things I have already written, too. Maybe I'm afraid of being lost in the memory... the boundaries between memory, dream, and reality don't seem so stable, afterall.
I'm going to have to learn to convince myself that the reason I live is not just because I don't have the energy to kill myself, because it's not.

Tomorrow I will make one document of things people have said that inspired me and made me feel like my life actually has meaning and value, and that I, as an individual might have worth. I'll meditate on their words when I'm depressed and use it as a mantra to counter the inevitable negative.

Bah, I should sleep.