Thinking on thoughts;my purpose and where I come from

This website:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/04/levels-of-consciousness/

So I went down the list for the levels of consciousness on that same website,trying to list where I was at each point in my life and when I made the transition to the next level. What he said at the end sounded alot like fixation to me, but I may be mistaken..


Shame: I would look outside of myself for a definition of "right" and "wrong", and whatever I was told, I would believe. When I was younger, I was constantly ashamed of not meeting the standards others set for me because their feelings, I believes, "should be" equivalent to my own.

Guilt: Because of my percieved incompetence, I would feel as if I could never be good enough. I tried my hardest, yet shame was only one piece of the puzzle.. Guilt came too, because I was unable to meet those standards. My character and person, I thought, were at fault. "Why can't I be good enough?" The first answer without a thought was,"I am not good enough."

Apathy: This stage came much later. Because of my constant inability to be "good enough", I not able to afford anything other than apathy. This was an important point,though, because I was left to think alot about what I felt and I began to search for the reason behind those feelings. MY reason.

Grief: In middle school I began to compare my home life to other peoples' lives.. I was shocked to learn that not everybody was treated the same way. I started to think of myself as a victim. Because of this, I felt a hopelessness,and it seemed like it would never end..

Fear: I began to feel like I was posessed soon afterwards because I was so desperate for an explanation and everything seemed out of control. I also thought alot in terms of "all-or-nothing". There was nothing I believed I could do about my current situation besides continuing to let my life go to hell. I was so scared that everybody I met would either hurt me or and up being hurt by me and subsequently hurt me when I found out.. I met "him",and initially he seemed like he really,truly could help me.

Desire: After I got past the initial sense of helplessness, I realized I wanted control of my life. I wanted to stop feeling so depressed all of the time so I began to self-medicate. Finally, I began to realize that I had a little more control over my life, and that maybe I wasn't the one who cause people to act in certain ways.. And I fell hard.. I fell for "him", the same guy who I felt could be my hero. Little did I know things weren't fated to end up that way at all.

Anger: He hurt me, and he hurt me alot. He hurt me worse than even my parents had hurt me, and he made me hate myself more than anything.. For a long time I would not say anything because it got to the point where I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells.. yet I needed him, or so I thought. I "loved" him, and honestly.. I did love him. It was unrequited. He eventually said "I don't care if you killed yourself as long as you didn't hurt me or my friends." and after a year of taking verbal abuse like that..I was hurt to the point that I broke and said "I hate you!" I was at the point of no return, and I tried to apologize, but it was in vain. The damage was done, and eventually I realized that this was something that couldn't have been helped. He was verbally/emotionally abusive towards me and after breaking me to the point of being suicidal, I needed to move on one way or another. This friend would take advantage of me no longer, and I was NOT the only one at fault for what had happened.

PRIDE: I capitolized pride because that's basically what it was to me. I had pride, but I was scared of having to much of it and becoming blatantly ignorant in my own self-absorption,almost to the point of paranoia. I think it's healthy to worry about that type of thing to an extent, but I definitely tended to obsess. "Perfectionistic" is how this behavior was recently described to me by my therapist. There is a thin line between too much and too little pride, or so I had thought then. I learned here, however, that you have no right to smile in pride if you haven't given my all, but also that all you can do is your best. If other people don't accept your best, that's not your fault or your issue to worry about.

Courage: Courage was, for me, knowing that despite your best efforts, you may be put down and rediculed and trying anyways;it's something I realize not everybody can do. The risk may seem far to great to them, and they subsequently shelter themselves, creating a different kind of neurotic suffering to which they fuel their own pain. We can't always be the best,despite our best efforts,and we can try to disregard the fact the pain lies in the future, but when we experience that pain we would be left in more pain than ever before. In that case,we'd regress into a state of constant misery.. COurage is seeing this reality we reside in for what it is,completely; not just in black-or-white, ignoraing things we don't want to see.

Neutrality: Two years ago, I thought along the lines that "What is right or wrong is relative to each individual, while objectively 'right' or 'wrong' doesn't exist because there will always exist a contrary belief or opinion." This was,at that point, the highest level of understanding I could even begin to imagine. What could be more true than the idea that there is no truth? This last thought lead me to the next marker.

Willingness: Knowing that many things come down to an opinion, I was freed from the burden of trying to align my opinions precisely with those of others. I knew this whole time I had distinct opinions, but they were allowed to exist only while being "wrong" from anothers' perspective. I,therefore,acted based upon what I believed, not claiming it was right, but it was my opinion and nobody could make me believe it was completely wrong because of that. Not a single soul would have the power to force me to believe anything. I really started writing alot about the mind, psychology in general, and I start doing a billion things at once, but even moreso. I still needed to learn how to back off instead of forcing people to accept or biasing them unduly towards my opinion so that that they could make their own decisions,unlike somebody advocating totalitarianism.

Acceptance: I started reading all I could and helping people I didn't even know and I became sure about what I am meant to do with my life. I am meant to help people,and the best way to do that was through connecting with them directly and utilizing my ability to write to its fullest potential. I reprioritized.

Reason: Ergo Cogito, Sum. While I know I have gifts and can help many people who let me, I also know I can't save everybody and some matters are simply beyond my control. I realize one day I will die, and I'm okay with that. I live life to the best of my ability each and every day and if I died, people could read my writings and carry on where I had left off. Generally, I feel these pages represent me pretty well, thought I do think much more about life,people,love, and all of their complexities than I would probably ever convey. I have nearly died on different occasions and, comparing the immediately proceeding feelings to now,with my current outlook, there isn't much of a difference. I am not superhuman, but perhaps my thoughts-
the very same the whole of humanity may share from time to time- are.

Love<3: "At the level of love, you now place your head and all your other talents and abilities in service to your heart (not your emotions, but your greater sense of right and wrong — your conscience)." I do love everybody and everything, I do love those to whom my purpose is directed. I love myself and those ways I can help the other people I love. I can do so much.. when,in the thinking stage of reasoning,I met the end to what thoughts could do, emotions were still a large part of my life. I could know my purpose, but dedicating my heart to that purpose fully took it a step farther. In this way, I cannot lose. I can only try my best at all times.. It's amazing to see the world through your eyes when experiencing such a sense of love to everybody, everything, the way it is, in all of its impefection, because otherwise it would be the way it was in that moment to make you feel the way you do about it. It's there, and what more could you possibly be grateful for? The thought of this feeling is enough to lift your mood on its own accord if you've ever known it.. We are all connected in the very same ways I've described so many times on this blog. :) This connection, the way we live on through others' hearts and memories is something that can never be broken. Once you've felt this connection, you too will see what it is I mean.

Joy: Now something I don't understand is why joy and love cannot coexist when they are so similar.. The feeling of love and joy brings the connectedness that I only break with my own will, allowing myself to become depressed again so I do not forget what it was to see from that perspective. Understanding is what I intend to do, and I don't want to let myself forget. When you feel this way,though,life is the greatest thing ever and no matter what happens in to you or the people in it, it's all good. And you'd think these two feelings coupled together would be synonomous for peace as it couldn't be disrupted unless you willed it to, but idk. And as for englightment.. it's a concept I cannot grasp, but I feel so great all the time that I don't feel the need to,necessarily. I want to share it with people, but I know people have to learn lessons on their own, even if the most I could do is touch their lives and help them get a little bit closer to it. Even then, without my help.. people have their own beliefs. The most I can help them is if they're looking for answers and when those people come to me, as they tend to, I am open armed and open-eared for the sake of relieving them from their burdens. I certainly don't look down on them for whatever crimes they say they have committed, because mistakes are an essential part of learning.. and sometimes I can help people realize what mistakes they've made. Besides, I am only human,too. Humanity is amazing. I guess by giving them an idea which way to go, they can walk the paths themselves. As far as I'm concerned, I AM at peace. I don't need anyone else to tell me whether or not that's what they consider true :3


But what about forgiveness? Doesn't this person think that forgiveness is as important as the other things? Without it we fixate, and it disallows us to move on. That, I believe, is important.. Sometimes we can forgive others, but what they need is their own forgiveness. I know I've been there before, and I feel life gives me so much I will always owe it something. It's a debt I'm happy to pay off, and for that I am wealthier than most men could ever be.