Sometimes..

Sometimes I feel my body,like I'm alive, like I can control it... Like I'm real. Sometimes I don't. During those times that I don't,I wonder if I was ever real,or if any of this was ever real,and not just a figment of my imagination.. a daydream kidnapping me from another dimension and perpetually trapping me in a state of oblivion..

Sometimes I feel the only way to wake up is to end the dream.

Sometimes I feel like a puppet.. dangling from the stings of a twisted,sadistic marionette's tool.. and I feel like I am intentionally tricked into believing there's an inkling of a chance I could grasp the scissors that are always there,right out of reach.

But I know..
I know I'm getting tired of this sick little game. I know I cannot physically or spiritually tolerate it much longer. I know if I live in the afterlife and am allowed to reflect back on all of this,it couldn't possibly lead me to an insanity beyond what I already am experiencing,because there's nothing new I would learn.. no possibility that I could consider that could make me fear change... in this moment,even hell seems like a pleasant escape. No, even now I wouldn't make a deal with the devil, but I've been gradually losing control.. But I'll continue fighting to my death.