Ahh...

Past me is the performance.. that little piece of mental hell that had so obstructed my normal mental process and brought me, once again, to the gates of my inner turmoil; all while leaving me to wallow in the midst of my depression. A surprise visit, yes, but not all surprises do I appreciate. This was most certainly a guest I could afford to have leave my presence..... But this triggered a new abstract, and slightly unsettling, train of thought... Without the occasional appearance of my hidden depression..... as unwanted as it may be.... it sustains my sanity. Illogical as it may appear, the foundation of my current state of sanity is contrued through the reasoning that I am insane. I teeter to a fro from the paranoia that I am standing in the presense of something that is far worse than insanity. And that all of this is brought upon me by myself. My choice.. and some egotistical subconcious actions that aren't as subconcious as I may wish. The acute fear of sociopathy and pathological lying... with which would be brought havoc and the collapse of all of my believes, my morals, my beliefs, my ideology -and ultimately my life. Fear that instead of these words and assimilated empathy, in combination with my new found love, are not but integrated into my mask. And the mask I had at one point believed to have control over, and the ability to reveal my true colors to myself, at the least....... has now become and incorporated (not to mention permanent) part of my person... Or if these feelings of compassion had been feigned all along, and I had only approached such a state of denail that I could not accept that I had any negative qualities that I could not fix. Basically, all that I have come to consider pure and moral aspects of my personality may be feigned, leaving me with the bitter reasoning that my true persona had only consisted of my negative faults all along. They haunt me. To rid myself of these quirks that cause damage or pain to others beside myself, I have many times attempted to solve that hidden evil through death. I know I have long had a secret agenda, hidden even to me, that was perhaps a sort of self-defense mechanism intended to take control once I have taken upon myself a certain amount of pain. Always having been forced into the position of a masochist, pain is something I had been put in a position to overcome. To ignore. To numb myself to.. while even attempting to convince myself that it doesn't take a toll on me. It's clear that while I may have been able to fool all others, when I lie alone I can not deny the pain and suffering. Which, having accumulated over years and years, can surpass any pain I may experience physically. Pain that pushes me blindly into a flurry of uncontrolled actions and a flow of unrestricted emotions. Taking all this into consideration, it should come as no surprise that I feel such extremes, or have a subconcious or concious part of my soul trying to end the pain in whatever way it knows. At first I had been frightened that I had triggered the awakening of my long known (possible)genetic disposition... schitzophernia. As I have known from such a young age is the mental distortion that resides in my blood, passed directly from a 1st degree relative; my mother. The disease had been so crippling, she has been cast away into an institution for over 16 years. But no.. I am different. As we know, I am bipolar. While bipolar may be associated with schitzotypal or schitzoid personality disorders, or the psychotic features of schitzophernia when in the wake of manic psychosis, none of it is guaranteed. I have not inherited those personality traits, luckily. If anything, I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which would not surprise me in the least bit. Dissociating, and splitting... stormy interperson relationships, believe of some other inner driving force influencing your actions or controlling your body and actions... oh yes. I know this all to well. I don't understand why I would possibly curse myself and put myself through suffering... though it is very possible that this indicates I must risk divulging myself in my own knowledge while risking a dive beneath the surface or my mind and current concious state. This has proven dangerous, and even life threatening. So I must risk a sacrafice. Still, it appears to be the only way to minimize this part of me(that hopefully really isn't T.T;). Every moment I push on, I tread dangerous waters. With the consistency and lethality of quicksand. But if I manage to surpass these challenges... I have potential for something amazing (because it will be the thing I actually gift a full comittment to; and this is something I have never been motivated to do in my life. Everything comes naturally to a certain extent, and for those things that don't, I put forth not but a thousandth of my true capability. As many bipolar people have changed the world through their gifts of genius, I have always known I was fated for the like. I know I have limitless possibilities, and no restaints.) As it stands, I'm following the current of the water, and allowing myself to be pulled up by any updraft I chance across. Nobody knows me in full. Not even myself. I know I have barely tapped into my gift. I have only continued to realize that my limits are set by my imagination. And this explains why I can absorb the skills and talents of those who surround me, and very quickly surpass them. So the more I know, the more I am capable of. I can't say what the justifying logic is behind this ability, but I won't question it in the current time. Not to say that if I do dare to question it, then I will learn it was never anything of significance, and solely the result of an optomistic mentality.. but if I try to examine to closely, this situation, well.. the windows of opportunity may close without my notice while I'm left in thought. No time to question anything. I'll run with the wind indefinetly, to nowhere specific~!