I'm sure this is true for many of us...

..that there comes a point in our life where we disobey our own moral insight. We break standards set by ourselfs or others, and we unravel;not quite sure how to respond to things as their unfolding, as we had never expecting what we had deemed unexpected to actually happen.. especially if it's initiated of our own free will! But after we cross a line, we know we can't return to how things were. We can't return that type of innocence, and sometimes we fall apart. Drugs, Sex, Violence, Abuse, Lying, Infidelity, Conspiring;and a transition of character. It seems we have lost ourself to the other,"forbidden",side. And there's nothing we can do to prevent from rolling further down hill while increasing momentum. And then we begin to dig a grave because we ignore the silver lining. We see darkness, and there's such an obvious lack of light that we recklessly make the assumption that it cannot get any darker or more distant.. But it does, as we're left free falling to the bottom of our self-made pit of faithlessness and remorse; encased within a monster of ignorance, whose lust to deteriorate hope you had fallen victim to. And the person you'd changed into -or rather some eternal fragments of your being in which you, under any means, had attempted to compartmentalize, deny, supress, or ignore; yet was always intregrated into your concious as part of your characteristic programming(or otherwise was a scar, given through upbringing)- was activated and set into motion. The whole of you perpetuates downward because you chose to fixate you're limited tunnel vision insight at the point you are convinced you'll hit, and stubbornness to look around. The world isn't ending, you're making it end! But you can't see it because you won't look out of the binoculars pointed directly at the ground long enouigh to notice all the extended hands and ropes of empathy that surround you. Nope, you are the person thrashing in shallow water screaming, "I'm DROWNING", while the person next to you is just standing there, staring at you like you're retarded. Except you don't even allow your feet to touch ground. It's right there.. you could stand and save yourself... safety lies simply a few feet below the surface, but do you? Nope. You're the one special person who actually DOES drown in shallow water, because they were too fucking stupid to stand up and just breathe while the other person had walked away, annoyed at the fact you were supposed screaming and senselessly distrupting what had previously been merely their escape to peace and stress release out of pure arrogance, with added greed. These may seem like stupid situations, or maybe you think that these type of things couldn't happen because they're just too.. improbable, illogical, unreasonable, or unlikely to chance upon. But many people make this mistake daily, or have in the past. And they think they're alone. They have thought they were solitary; standing alone in the wake their unrequited tradgedy, and with attending the funeral for what had once been their purity, all had been lost, while nothing was left to be gained or pursued as a ploy for acquiring redemption. Instead of using the concept: "If you fail, try harder to succeed", they forfeited. They gave up the large amount of power, influence, and control they had because they didn't think it could possibly be enough. Strange how they couldn't accept they were falling, admit their mistake, or confess AND accept their personal imperfection. No person is completely saintly in essence, or naturally is driven to instinctively abstain from sin or something of what the large of society might possibly consider negative. As we are raised, we are taught both "right" and "wrong",and these ideas are encoded into our continually concious ideology. But they sometimes contradict our concrete subconcious programming, instincts, or naturally impulsive physical reactions/genetic make-up. At times we may feel "wrong to be right", or vice versa, and it confuses us or scares us. Or it makes us feel isolated. But this is because the structure of what is considered a civilized society is unnatural and foreign to the raw human psyche, and clashes with our true inborn instincts. It is by law that we must force ourselves into awkward, sometimes uncomfortable or unhealthy, stances. It is the influence that our learned ethics take on us that justify it, and attempt to force us to accept it as what SHOULD be natural and who we truly are.

..this is all nice and good, but the fact of the matter is...

We Aren't That Way Naturally! We are naturally "evil". We feel emotions such as anger, hatred, spite, envy, jealousy, apathy, pride, sadness, loathing. We logically are predisposed to wish for revenge, justification, punishment. We may wish suffering and pain; others' misfortune or to act upon sadistic means to reflect what we have felt, either emotionally or physically. Even though you may want to deny the feeling that your jealous of your crush's girlfriend, and that you wish that you were in her place, you can't. You can't just try to convince yourself that "I'm happy for them. I truly am. He's happy with her so I'm happy. He's too good for me anyway. I'm too good for him. Etc..", because the feeling still remains, even if it's just buried or hidden where it can be temporarily out of sight and out of mind. That's when feelings are integrated into your subconcious and if not accepted, resolved, and dismissed, then they become an increasingly prominent influence on your actions and emotions. And it can be very confusing. Maybe you'll feel extremely depressed, angry, happy, or sad for no apparent reason. You try to deny feelings, but you can only fool your head, not your heart. And your heart can't deny emotions ..it influeces its function the most. So in to one degree, you can have emotions while understand why they could have been felt, or what might have caused them. To the next degree, denail, you can experience emotions and have no idea for what reason they originated; and you may act on an impulse that is based upon those emotions, with all of your senses of judgement compromised because of the overpowering emotional outburst is too much to deny. This could be conciously acting against what you know to be right or true, while disregarding - or even just not caring - whether or not your moral standards oppose it. At least until after you have taken,or attempted some form of action. Afterwards you may regret it, especially if it was an action based upon an emotion that you previously denied out of shame, guilt, love,empathy or fear. If it was an action impulsively committed because of emotions that you had denied to maintain conformity, because you personally prioritized conformity while leaving your own moral standards outweighted,and/or of minimized significance and as a result, pretend to agree with and overtly supporting opinions you secretly detest;the general loss of willingness to risk voicing and validating the existence of other personal opinions increases. But the power of the opposing force, the known opinion, and any unexpressed personal opinions becomes miniscule in the event of blackmail or threats made to all who publicly protest against the given dictator's forced idea of what absolute truth should be.); and subsequently, this would result in rationalizing the intentional dispelling, banishing, scape-goating the blame of the cause for, or the forced ebbing of any emotions opposing the majority's judgement to otherwise prevent yourself from being effected by some other occurance that went against your morals. To the last degree,there may be emotional numbing. This is occurs after you ignore emotions and physical pain/painful emotions for extended periods of time and build a delusional tolerance, but it damages your ability to experience positive emotions as well. It effects your health, while stealing any drive or purpose you had in living life. TO BE CON'T...