I haven't take time to write or otherwise channel my thoughts onto some impressionless medium. I wonder, no... think... no, I know it's out of some sort of fear... I have underlying anxiety issues about some truth, be it in the future or the past, by which revelation will cause my mind to unravel and descend into chaos, despite logically knowing that really, it's already there... here... but I guess most people don't see it that way.
I was reading some information about dream symbolism, particularly because my own are so strange and vivid. Dreams are an alternate reality, but just as lucid as this one, if not more so... the realm of the subconscious mind has always interested me, and time heals old wounds. I know I'm in pain somehow, but I don't know how to experience it or let it go. Part of me suggests I stop trying to analyze the situation because it objectifies it, estranging me from my emotions, but is that true? Do I try to think about it? What is it to just live in the moment and feel..?
I don't know anymore.
I'm used to disassociation and at this point it's so conditioned into me, it definitely is a subconscious coping mechanism, so why, then, do I struggle with making ends meet in the conflict between my consciousness? I accept something on a superficial level, and realize that's all I've ever had control over because of the gaping disjunction that now exists between intention and actuality. I just don't have control over some things and it's been so crucially important that I learned to accept that, but now I struggle to discern my own limits. My own understand is full of unknown... is the only true way to know myself to experience, rather than theorize about outcomes? I'm beginning to think, that as insecure and vulnerable as it makes me feel, that's 100% the truth. I fear doing things I regret and repercussions, but I'm just putting emotional weight onto the situation unnecessarily in doing so... I don't have to let things matter that much. I don't have to believe I'll be forever haunted by some ghost in my past, and I have been making assumptions for too long as I have shelled myself away from danger. Exposure. I'm not that weak. Vulnerability is crucial, bravery is its advocate; its enemy, fear. I need to find a happier medium. And I will stop saying "need".
I was reading some information about dream symbolism, particularly because my own are so strange and vivid. Dreams are an alternate reality, but just as lucid as this one, if not more so... the realm of the subconscious mind has always interested me, and time heals old wounds. I know I'm in pain somehow, but I don't know how to experience it or let it go. Part of me suggests I stop trying to analyze the situation because it objectifies it, estranging me from my emotions, but is that true? Do I try to think about it? What is it to just live in the moment and feel..?
I don't know anymore.
I'm used to disassociation and at this point it's so conditioned into me, it definitely is a subconscious coping mechanism, so why, then, do I struggle with making ends meet in the conflict between my consciousness? I accept something on a superficial level, and realize that's all I've ever had control over because of the gaping disjunction that now exists between intention and actuality. I just don't have control over some things and it's been so crucially important that I learned to accept that, but now I struggle to discern my own limits. My own understand is full of unknown... is the only true way to know myself to experience, rather than theorize about outcomes? I'm beginning to think, that as insecure and vulnerable as it makes me feel, that's 100% the truth. I fear doing things I regret and repercussions, but I'm just putting emotional weight onto the situation unnecessarily in doing so... I don't have to let things matter that much. I don't have to believe I'll be forever haunted by some ghost in my past, and I have been making assumptions for too long as I have shelled myself away from danger. Exposure. I'm not that weak. Vulnerability is crucial, bravery is its advocate; its enemy, fear. I need to find a happier medium. And I will stop saying "need".
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2 comments:
It's okay to have needs. Oxygen is a physiological need your body approves. We are helpless to stop needing food and drink. Medicine and sleep, love, freedom, and adventure--these needs are human, no matter what we think or to which doctrine(s) we pledge allegiance. Your intrigue is admirable. I wonder though how much different it is to search for answers to unknown questions in a frontier the whole conscious struggles to go? Are you not met with parallel variables there? Regardless, may you find there the power to permit yourself desire. Without it, everything is purgatory limbo.
You're completely right about the parallel. I know perception limits our ability to truly understand reality, but if I think of deep learning and quantum mechanics, I start to think maybe the only way out is literally through it all. I struggle with fear of the "unknown unknown" to a much greater extent than the "known unknown", and it's because of more recent trauma. Gotta use coping skills, I guess. I mean, if my spirit is destroyed, it's just the illusion of it. I've been thinking of how silly the ego is. It's just a bubble afraid of popping, yet that's exactly how bubbles work. Humans are much the same. Still, I have a baby girl to survive for now, so I can't just give up.
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